Archive of Our Own ^beta

The start

For most groups, their name doesn't mean much. Most of the time, it's just something to sell, something that sounds good enough to get people interested, and that's all. For boynextdoor, though, it really fits. Especially the boy part. 

All that to say: even though they make an effort to seem cool and interesting and professional, at heart they're just boys. They pull stupid pranks, they make bets, they tease each other. Sure, when you're on the receiving end of it, it can get pretty annoying; but there's no denying that it can be fun too. To Jaehyun, it's kind of a relief that they still find the time to be kids. Things can get tense, especially when they're preparing for a comeback, but if they still get to have silly fun, that's good. 

Well, on a normal day, it's good. But not today. Today it kind of sucks. 

See, with the comeback approaching, all six of them are really busy. There are practices overlapping with other practices, endless programs, lots of preparations. And yes, it happens sometimes that they end up being late to their schedules -- that's a problem they all share, as careful as they are. It's mostly the normal schedules, like vocal and dance training — and if it's just the six of them, no teachers, well then you can bet they'll spend half the time waiting on the last members to arrive. 

Until Dance Captain Riwoo said No More, and decided to launch a challenge: the last two people who get to dance practice will suffer a penalty. At first they didn't really want to agree, but Leader Jaehyun had to step in and say that it's actually a great idea, because then they’ll put in more of an effort to get there in time and that's good, guys, come on! And then Leehan pointed out how for the last two schedules Jaehyun slept in and made everyone wait, and so who is he to talk; and Jaehyun, caught red-handed, could only end it with: well that won't happen now, will it — not with the penalty. 

Anyway, guess what? It happened again. 

Dance practice was set at 16:00. It's 16:13 and Jaehyun, sporting a very stylish bedhead, is currently running down Hybe's hallways to get to the practice room as soon as possible. 

Technically, he's not even that late. Only 13 minutes? Pfft. That's nothing. Everyone knows it's only rude after 15 minutes, so actually, he's good for two more minutes. But this isn't about being rude, it's about being last. 

At least he can count on Woonhak coming in later than him. He had school today, and he never takes a taxi because it's too much money, so if he comes by bus that'll take twenty minutes from his school to the building, which is definitely a few minutes after Jaehyun. So, at the very least, he won't be the last one. But even if he comes in fifth, he still gets a penalty. 

What about the others, you might ask? Well. Sungho isn't crazy-competitive, but last time he lost a bet they made him do aegyo for five minutes straight, and Jaehyun is pretty sure he won't let that happen again. Leehan? He doesn't usually care about stuff like this, but he knows how embarrassing these penalties can be, and he probably won't want to risk it. And Riwoo is definitely the first guy at practice — he's the one who launched the challenge, he knows he'd never escape the teasing if he was late today. 

He might have a chance with Taesan. He said he was going to work on his music for a bit, before Jaehyun took his quote-unquote short nap. Taesan always loses track of time in his studio. 

He finally reaches the practice room and runs in as fast as he can, because even though the hallways are completely empty, who knows if a member will appear out of nowhere and take his place? 

Once he's inside, he takes a look around. The members that are already here sitting together, dressed in practice clothes and ready for, you know, practice. Jaehyun sees Riwoo (of course) and Sungho (no surprise there) and Leehan, and… Woonhak. 

Damn Woonhak is here too. Which means that Jaehyun is the fifth member at practice, second to last, which means that he gets the penalty. 

He groans, but he can't do much more, still out of breath from all that running. Dammit, if he knew he was too late anyway, he would’ve at least stopped for coffee. 

The members don't waste any time to make fun of him. The moment the door closes and he walks to them, they all cackle like witches. 

“Myung Leader, where were you, huh?” Woonhak asks, pointing at him. 

Jaehyun checks his watch — it's 16:17, he's not even that late. And besides, there's no way Woonhak's bus got here so early. 

“What the hell are you doing here so fast?” Jaehyun shoots back, laying on the floor to cool down. 

“I ditched my last class.”

“You what?” 

“I told him not to do stuff like that,” Sungho says, sounding not mad, just disappointed. 

“Meh. It was just music,” Woonhak shrugs. 

“It's not just music, it's school! And you're literally an artist, you do music for a living,” Jaehyun says. 

“Yeah. So I already know everything they tell us in class — so, it doesn't matter.” 

Jaehyun scoffs, mumbling under his breath. 

“So me and Taesan will get the penalty, then?” 

“Yup. Want to know what it is?” Riwoo asks. 

"You've decided already?” 

“We had lots of time before you decided to show up,” Leehan says. Jaehyun glares at him, but Leehan grins, to show it's all just a joke. And yeah, Leehan can joke about it, Leehan is safe anyway so he doesn't even care. 

“Let's hear it.”

Woonhak rubs his hands together, like a supervillain revealing his master plan. “We decided that you and Taesanie will remake the Troublemaker choreo for the comeback show.”

Jaehyun groans, hiding his face. 

“Can't you change it?” He pleads. 

“No,” Riwoo says. 

“Then can't you let me off the hook this time?” 

“No,” Sungho says. 

“What if I do aegyo?” 

“Tempting,” Leehan says. “But no.” 

Jaehyun sighs, admitting defeat. 

The punishment isn't so much of a punishment, actually. They already decided that they'll do some covers for the comeback show, so it's not, like, a huge deal. But it's just annoying, you know? Now they have to remake a whole-ass choreography. With the comeback, they've already used up all their brain power trying to make the best dances for their own songs, so using even more creative energy will be a nightmare. Even Riwoo wants to sing instead, and Riwoo loves dancing the most, so you can figure how the rest of them feel. 

The others will probably do, like, ballads and hip hop, maybe throw in one of Zico's songs, because their fans love it when they do that — but either way, something easy, you know? Meanwhile, Jaehyun will rot in this practice room with Taesan until they manage to create something that isn't half bad out of a song that already has a great choreography.  

Jaehyun closes his eyes, already bracing himself for the next three weeks until the comeback show. He keeps on laying there like that, tuning out the other guys when they start to chat because, honestly, he's still kind of sleepy from his nap. 

He only gets up when the door opens, Taesan walks in, does a quick headcount of everyone, and lets out a loud: “Fuck!” 

*

So, yeah. Two days later here they are again: Jaehyun and Taesan, all alone in the practice room. And things are not going well. 

See, when he first heard the penalty, he didn't think much about it other than the fact that it's a dance. But he did some research on his own — the Troublemaker choreo is pretty… suggestive. And kind of risky for a rookie group like them. And maybe even a little embarrassing, if he thinks he'll have to do it with his oow group member in front of their other — very infantile – members. 

But maybe his problem wouldn't be so bad if only he and Taesan could see eye to eye about something: that is, who gets to be the guy. 

Normally, Jaehyun would be all for the girl part. He knows he can be cute and pretty just as much as he's handsome, so it's not a problem. And Taesan probably wouldn't mind it so much either — he likes dancing to Queencard now and then, he even does the twerking part unironically, so you know he wouldn't mind a few twirls on stage. 

But it's one thing to dance to a girl part and a complete other to be the girl and have a guy partner. And it's even worse knowing that if one of them is the girl, then the other is the guy and they'll have to do the sexy dance together — the two of them, Jaehyun and Taesan. It gives Jaehyun chills just to think about it. 

“I don't understand why you won't just admit that I’m better than you,” Jaehyun says after a whole half hour they've spent arguing about this. 

“It doesn't make sense! You have a softer face than me.” 

“That has nothing to do with it and you know it,” Jaehyun says. “And if that's your problem, then don't worry — they're putting me on a diet before the comeback so by then I'll be as sharp as you.”

Taesan frowns. “I'm taller too.”

“You look better in a skirt.” 

“I'm absolutely not wearing a skirt for this stage!"

“You don't want to give the fans a good show?” 

“They should be focusing on dancing, not the outfits — and besides, everyone knows you're better at doing the girl. You have the hips for it.” 

“Hey! I'm older, so you have to listen to me!” 

Taesan gives him a long look, completely straight-faced. “When has that ever worked for you?” He asks, and Jaehyun grumbles under his breath, knowing that he's right. The only ones who care about age hierarchy are Riwoo and Woonhak. 

“What if we tell them we'll do another dance?” Jaehyun asks after a while, tired of all the arguing. 

“Hyung, they said they want us to do this dance. They clearly want to humiliate us.” 

“Bastards.”

“It wouldn't be a penalty if we didn't suffer a bit.” 

To Jaehyun, there's enough suffering just talking with Taesan about the choreography, let alone actually doing it. 

He groans, deciding that enough's enough, and since he's the leader and all then it's his job to get things moving. 

“We're being silly. We can figure out the details later, let's just do the choreography for now.” 

He plays the song and starts to move to the beat, very pointedly not watching the performance in an attempt to come up with his own original moves. Taesan — who's not much for dancing anyway, who usually prefers to sit out on stuff like this — stands nearby and bobs his head, looking lost and, truth be told, a little cute. 

Now that he's not fighting for his masculinity, it's easier to notice how good the guy looks. Jaehyun used to be totally jealous of him, because who ever wears sweatpants and a simple t-shirt and still looks like a rock star? But by now, years after they first met, that jealousy has melted into deep admiration and a liiittle bit of awe. 

Plus, you won't believe how good he looks after a long dance practice, when he's a little sweaty and his hair is sticking in all directions and then he goes to drink some water and you can totally see his Adam's apple and… yeah. It's probably obvious by now, but Jaehyun is in trouble. 

Crushes are totally normal, of course. These things just happen. Most of the time it's no big deal and they just go away and that's all. Besides, Jaehyun has had crushes on his friends before — when he first met Riwoo, he was all over him for three whole months. Then one day Riwoo said a reeeeeally lame joke (like, honestly, it was so bad) and just like that, poof!, it was over. For a guy so full of feelings as Jaehyun, crushes aren't things to worry about. 

But with Taesan it's not so simple. It's not just a crush like wow he's cool, it's like wow he's cool and can we spend the rest of our lives together? And it's been going on for a while. Not sure how many days exactly, but one night two months ago Taesan got out of the shower shirtless and Jaehyun literally started choking, so it's been pretty long. 

He snaps out of it when the song is over and Taesan gives him a long look of any ideas? And no, Jaehyun doesn't have any ideas actually — he just spent half the song salivating over how cute Taesan is — but he can't just say that, now can he. 

He clears his throat and looks away, trying to come up with something on the spot, doesn't matter if it's good or not. 

Finally, he says, “What if we do something like this? Like —” he does a twirl and stops close to Taesan, avoiding with all his might to look him in the eye. “Maybe the two of us can do it at the same time, going in opposite directions. That would look cool, right?” 

Taesan nods slowly. “Yeah. Or — look, do that again?” 

Jaehyun does the move again, and Taesan catches him in his arms, and… Oh god. 

He likes to think he's holding it together well, but maybe he's overdoing it. Maybe he has a good thing going and with this dance, he'll just ruin it. Even if it doesn't make sense — he'll find a way. And he can't afford to let that happen. 

Jaehyun jumps away and rubs his arms to get the Taesan feeling away. He looks down, then, and goes to grab his water bottle just to have an excuse to walk away. When he's cooled off, a minute or two later, he asks:

“What if we change the vibe of the song?” 

“What do you mean?” Taesan asks, giving him a short look before he, too, grabs his water bottle. 

“The original choreography is like a push-and-pull between lovers, right? What if we make it like we're cool guys, like we're the troublemakers? You know what I mean?” 

Taesan shrugs, looking into his bottle without actually drinking anything. He closes it again and puts it back in his bag, and then he sits on the ground, not looking at Jaehyun for a while. 

He only talks after a few minutes, and when he does, his voice is a bit fragile. 

“I think we should keep the original idea.” 

“Yeah?” 

Taesan looks him right in the eye, his ears just a tiny bit redder than normal, but otherwise completely confident. 

“Yeah, hyung. I think that would be good.”

Well, shit. 

*

One thing about Jaehyun is that he's a very perceptive guy. When people around him have a lot of emotions, his F personality shines through and he can help them out. He knows when someone's sad or angry or when they need help or — anything. That might be the whole reason he was voted as a leader in the first place, because he can always, always tell how his members are feeling. 

Another thing about Jaehyun is that he can always tell when someone has a crush on him. 

So. Taesan has a crush on him. 

It still sounds like a dream, even now, days after they first started working on the choreography. He lays in bed at night, unable to fall asleep, and thinks about it. Taesan has a crush on him. Taesan keeps finding ways to hold him during private dance sessions, when it's just the two of them. Taesan tells him the weirdest stuff with a clear voice and fully red ears. Taesan stares at him through the mirror and looks away quickly when Jaehyun looks back. 

And then Jaehyun goes on with his day like nothing happened, but when he tries to sleep — even as Sungho starts snoring in the other bed and his clock shows that he only has so many hours until he has to wake up and go through another day — all he can think about is the deal with Taesan. 

FACT: Taesan is shy when it comes to feelings. 

Or maybe not so much shy as closed off. Even though he talks a lot and makes a big show of writing love songs and acting lovey-dovey with the fans and being clingy with his friends and so on — make no mistake, Han Taesan is a feelings snob. When it comes to the important things, he keeps everything on the inside with the mentality that he'll deal with it by himself. 

Jaehyun can't imagine him ever confessing to a crush. Which is unfortunate, but then again:

FACT: Jaehyun is not shy at all about his feelings — or shy in general, at that. 

In fact, he loves talking about his emotions. It's the healthy thing to do: if you have a problem with someone, you tell them and sort it out. If you're unwell, you seek help. If you're happy, you tell other people and you'll be happy together. 

In all his previous relationships (a grand total of three, one of which was in the 2nd grade) he was the one who confessed first, and everything turned out well (ignoring the fact that one time he was cheated on and one time she ghosted him out of nowhere). But if he makes the first step now, with Taesan, he wonders what'll happen — because:

FACT: You never know what's going through Taesan's mind. 

He's too impulsive and (dare I say it?) even reckless sometimes. And when he's confronted, his reaction is to be defensive, no matter what. 

Who knows what would happen if Jaehyun went up to him and said, yah, Han Taesan, I think you're hot. Let's make out. Obviously Jaehyun hopes that his response would be hell yeah, come here, but it might as well be what the fuck did you just say to me or even umm okay byeeeee! 

So that's something he'll need to think about very hard before he makes a move. 

But then again, who knows if he'll ever make a move. Because there's also the undeniable:

FACT: They're in the same group. The same rookie group, at that. And Jaehyun is the leader, which means that he should definitely. Absolutely. Know better than this. 

The tipping point

The next time something happens is at the worst possible moment, which is: during a show. They're promoting their next album right now, which is going great. People are talking about them, and they're invited to different interviews, and they're going viral on all the big platforms. Wherever they are, people treat them nicely. Like right now, see, they got the comfy chairs and some staff gave them coffee and soda during the break and it's just — you know, just nice. Like all their efforts to create this album haven't been for nothing, because here these people are, recognizing what they did and praising them for it. 

The hosts (two middle aged men who spend their breaks shoveling cigarettes like dentists aren't expensive at all) are making the atmosphere good too. Jaehyun feels right at home here, except for the smell of cigarettes. But it's still casual enough that everyone is acting natural, all their inhibitions gone. 

One of the hosts says, “With your comeback in two weeks, I'm sure you have some interesting things planned for the comeback show. Would you be willing to give us any spoilers?” 

That’s off-script, but Jaehyun knows they can just refuse and they'll edit it out later; then again, why? It's no big deal. Even their manager nods at them to show that it's all fine. 

Riwoo smoothly picks it up, noticing their manager’s nod too. “Well, this is a bit of a secret, but we're actually preparing some cover stages.” 

“Oh, really? That sounds fun,” Host #1 says. 

“Could we see some snippets?” Host #2 asks.

After the manager gives them another nod of approval, Sungho and Riwoo sing a few lines from Love wins all by IU, which gets them big praises from everyone; then Woonhak and Leehan go through the chorus of Skipping Stones by TXT, a song they've been practicing so much that Jaehyun is almost sick of it. But there's no denying that they sound awesome, so all the hard work paid off. 

And then it's Jaehyun and Taesan’s turn. He thinks about making a joke, saying that they can't reveal it just yet so they can look all mysterious, but he knows that's not an option. But here's the problem: since they don't have a choreography yet, he has no idea what they should do. 

“Let's do the original,” Taesan whispers to him as they stand up. 

Jaehyun nods, because what other options do they have anyway? Good thing is, they've watched the original so much they both know it by heart.

Taesan leans in and says, “Just follow my lead.” 

He starts to dance, even though there's no music and he looks kind of silly; Jaehyun joins him, recognizing the moves (and also realizing that Taesan is making him do the girl part, but that's something to argue about later). 

He kind of follows mindlessly, focusing just on getting the next move right. Until Taesan leans in close, so close their noses are almost touching, so close it's like they're about to… you know. 

Jaehyun stares at him in shock, his heart racing, wondering what the hell got into Taesan; then he realizes, for fuck's sake, that this is part of the choreography. Taesan is just doing the dance. 

This means nothing. 

Except that they keep on standing there, looking at each other, probably longer than they should. Jaehyun swears he doesn't even realize it, can you believe it? He keeps on staring into Taesan’s eyes, and for a moment there's no cameras, no hosts, no show, not even the other members — it's just the two of them. Dancing to no music, so close to each other that Jaehyun can see the pimple on Taesan's cheek that they covered up with concealer and (goes to show just how down bad he is), he swears, that just might be the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. Because this is Taesan — not the idol but the real person; and Jaehyun is himself, or at least he feels like himself. They're both here, they're together, and things are good. 

Then the hosts clap, which breaks the moment. Jaehyun stumbles a little, just now realizing that he can barely feel his legs. When Taesan tries to help him, he snatches his arm back and walks towards the rest of the members, keeping his head low. He doesn't look back, even though he knows Taesan is still standing there, even though he knows Taesan must feel like absolute shit right now. 

The hosts move on like nothing happened. In the next segment they have to try different smoothies and guess the ingredients, and as they send Woonhak to the front to do it first — and Jaehyun absolutely does not look at Taesan, the whole entire time — Leehan leans closer and whispers:

“What the hell was that?” 

“Nothing,” Jaehyun says, trying to convince himself as much as Leehan. 

“Hyung, you have to be careful.” 

“I know.”

Leehan gives him a long look, then adds: “That looked really… intense.” 

“Yeah.”

Woonhak cringes comically, presumably because the smoothie tastes really bad, so they both laugh; but it's Leehan's fake laugh, not the real witch-like cackle he does when he's actually amused, and to be honest, Jaehyun isn't feeling it either. 

The fallout

Leehan was right. Jaehyun can't take it to heart, can't be mad that one of the members — one of the younger ones, at that — told him off, because he's right. Jaehyun needs to be careful. Things can't go on the same way. 

In an ideal world, maybe. Maybe it would be acceptable for idols in the same group to be a couple, and maybe it would be fine for Jaehyun and Taesan too. They'd write music together, like they already do, and some of it would be about each other, like it already is, and they'd do photoshoots and interviews and performances together, like they already are. 

They'd go home at night, their shared home, but they would never sleep in different beds. They'd get jealous and fight and then they would make up the next day; they would spend hours playing video games or learning to cook or going on walks or checking out the new cafes that open close to their apartment. They would spend all their time with each other, just the two of them, and nobody would bat an eye. 

On paper, it sounds like there wouldn't be much of a change, because they already do so much of that anyway. But Jaehyun knows: no matter how much he wants to, he can't be Taesan's boyfriend. Not in this world. Because if he were, then people would hate it, and what's most important for their job is the people. 

So he knows what to do, even if it breaks his heart. Before, he managed to keep things under control just fine, but everything got messy after they started working on this goddamned choreography together. That has to stop. Jaehyun needs to do it alone. 

So that's what he does. He stays up late, one night after vocal practice, and does the whole damn choreography. It's not his best work by far, but it's fine — it's acceptable. And he doesn't need to make something impressive anyway. The others will have better stages, and so what? That's okay. It's just a cover. 

He goes with his idea to make it cool instead of sexy. He tells himself it's because this will save it, will make it original in some kind of way. There are some highlights, like when he and Taesan need to jump far and land on their knees — that's a bit tricky and a little dangerous, but it goes well with the camera — and so it's not like he didn't put in an effort. People will appreciate it. 

He can just imagine the stage: the lights will be dark blue, he'll make a special request to see that it's like that. Him and Taesan will dress in some nice outfits. Since Taesan dyed his hair oreo it's even easier for him to look cool, but Jaehyun will make more of an effort to fit the concept. Maybe they'll wear leather and heavy silver jewelry. 

They'll walk on the stage from different corners and they won't even look at each other; they'll follow the choreography, wink at the audience, stuff like that, and that'll be it. And they won't touch at all, Jaehyun will make sure of it. 

When he's done and somewhat satisfied, it's already super late at night; he might just be the last person in the building, and that's telling something. 

By the time he gets home he tells himself he needs to be extremely quiet, because everyone is probably asleep. So he opens the door as slowly as he can; but — surprise surprise — guess who's on the couch, completely awake? 

Taesan and Sungho, playing video games. 

Jaehyun frowns at them, making no effort to keep quiet anymore when the games are way louder anyway. He throws his shoes off and enters the living room, when finally the two notice him. 

“Oh, hey, you're back,” Sungho says. 

Jaehyun keeps frowning, making a show of pulling his phone out of his pocket to check the time. It's an ungodly hour and they have an early day tomorrow, so what are these two idiots thinking, staying up late to play video games? 

“Why aren't you asleep?” He asks. 

“Taesanie wanted to play.” 

Jaehyun looks at Taesan now, who has been quietly winning the game the whole time. “Where were you, hyung? It's really late.” 

Jaehyun sits on the floor, not sure how to say it. He knows it's not such a big deal — hell, Taesan should be thankful, at least he doesn't have to bother with this anymore. But that's just him lying to himself, because he knows Taesan loved spending time together, just like Jaehyun did.

He sighs, deciding there's no way to do it other than to just say it: “I actually did the choreography.” 

Taesan turns to him, not even noticing that his car fell off the track in the game. 

“What does that mean?” 

Jaehyun shrugs and laughs, hoping that'll make it all seem casual. “I thought it's been long enough. So… yeah. I'll send you the video and if you have any suggestions you can tell me, but I think it's nice.”

“But we were supposed to do it together.”

Taesan doesn't show much, but Jaehyun can tell he's upset. He can always tell. The way he's not looking at Jaehyun directly, but at something on the ground just by Jaehyun's foot. The way his voice is so low. The way he keeps his lips pressed together. He won't say it, and maybe he's not actually mad — but he's sad. 

Jaehyun is sad too, but this is for the best. Jaehyun is the leader, and he's older, and he knows enough about the industry to know that no relationship like what they want could ever survive. It's bad enough that they have feelings for each other — that's one sin they committed and they have to deal with it somehow. But it can never go past that. 

“Taesanie, if you think the others will bother you, I can just tell everyone we made it together. Sungho, you won't tattle, right?” 

Sungho shakes his head, but Taesan doesn't stay to discuss it further than that. He drops his console on the floor and instead of picking it up, he goes to grab his shoes. 

“No, that's great. Great, great, great. You did the choreo, now I just have to learn it — I guess that's the end of our practices. Good! Now I can… yeah, thanks, I guess, hah. Yeah, so it's really late, I'm going to…” 

He stands there, holding his shoes instead of putting them on, his back turned to Jaehyun. 

“Taesan?” Jaehyun calls out, and Taesan flinches, but he doesn't turn around. 

“Okay, so, good night.”

“You don't want to stay and finish the game, Taesan?” Sungho asks, probably feeling bad for the younger. “You were totally beating my ass.” 

Taesan shakes his head, even though only Jaehyun can see him. 

“No thanks. Bye!” 

With that, he runs out the door. He slams it behind him and it echoes through the room for a minute. Then, with a sigh, Sungho closes the game and starts to clean up. 

“Why did he get weird all of a sudden?” He asks as he folds a blanket. 

Jaehyun says nothing, pretending like he doesn't know either. Sungho is right, Taesan was weird. But this time he'll just have to suck it up.

“Should I help you?” Jaehyun asks after a while. 

Sungho shakes his head. “No, you should go wash up. Let's go to sleep already, Jaehyun, I'm exhausted.” 

“Why didn't you go to sleep earlier?” 

“I told you, Taesan wanted to play.” Sungho shakes his head. “Kept me up so long and he didn't even finish the game, that damn kid…” 

Jaehyun chuckles, but mostly because he doesn't want to let this get awkward. Then he goes to wash up, just like Sungho told him to. 

As he brushes his teeth, he thinks: yeah, Taesan is definitely upset. But that's okay. Things will get better one day, and until then — until this, whatever this thing between them is, passes — they'll just have to pretend like they don't care. At least they don't have private practices anymore. 

*

Guess what Jaehyun is just now learning: even though he and Taesan don't have private practice anymore, that doesn't mean they don't still live together! 

Jaehyun stops going upstairs altogether and Taesan doesn't visit so much either, so it's pretty weird for a while — even though, as the leader, Jaehyun knows he should be better than this. He should be professional and keep his cool and be there for Taesan, because he's obviously not feeling great these days either. 

But whenever he sees Taesan, it makes him sad. His mind keeps coming up with these scenarios — these unachievable scenarios that will never in a million years happen, of things that maybe… could have been really nice. You know? It could have been incredible. 

He still feels guilty. He offered Taesan no explanation and now he's doing everything he can to disappear and it can't be easy for him either. He wonders sometimes, when he lays in bed unable to fall asleep, just how much percentage he should be Responsible Leader And Caring Hyung and how much he should just be human. He always thought he had that ratio figured out but now… stuff keeps happening, and he's not so sure anymore. 

The biggest problem is that the others are starting to notice. 

Right now, Jaehyun is playing video games with Riwoo in their living room; since Sungho is at vocal practice, Leehan is buying fish or stuff for his fish, Taesan is allergic to being in a room with Jaehyun and Woonhak is probably, who knows, trying to learn to play basketball even though he swears he's a pro — for all those reasons, it's just Riwoo and Jaehyun. 

For like an hour, that is — maybe less — during which Riwoo wins twice, Jaehyun declares the game stupid five times, and there's an almost-tie when Riwoo has a coughing fit. And now, when Jaehyun is finally doing okay and he swears this time he'll win, Woonhak comes to distract him. 

He enters the apartment in a very Woonhak way, meaning: loud. He picks off his shoes and throws them away, which Jaehyun knows without even watching because he knows him, and then he stomps over and sits on the floor next to Jaehyun, probably hurting his butt a little with how hard he does it. 

“Hyung,” he says, pulling Jaehyun’s sleeve. 

Jaehyun tries to ignore him, focusing on the game, while Riwoo lets out an evil cackle for his misfortune. 

“Hyung,” Woonhak says again, pulling harder. 

Jaehyun shushes him and pulls his hand back, not even looking towards him. 

“Hyung!” 

“What?” Jaehyun snaps. 

“You've got to make up with Taesan, he's crazy!” 

Hearing the name, Jaehyun pauses the game — Riwoo straight up screams, but he ignores him — and looks at Woonhak. His friend seems sad, with the way his mouth keeps turning downwards in a perfect semicircle, and it makes Jaehyun feel bad along with him. 

“What do you mean?” 

Woonhak sighs, standing up to walk around the room like he does whenever he's really, really upset. 

“Don't tell him I told you this, okay, guys? My life is on the line.”

“Okay, okay.”

“Good.” He stops in the middle of the room, hands on his hips, and takes a full minute to gather his thoughts. Then he says: “Okay, so, right now — I wanted to come downstairs to see you. He was painting his jeans so we weren't doing anything together anyway, and I could tell he'd like some alone time, so I thought… But he asked me where I was going, and I told him I wanted to play a game with you or something, and he got really mad.”

“He got mad at you?” Jaehyun asks, not even knowing whether to believe it or not. Woonhak wouldn't lie but still, he can't imagine Taesan being so upset at Woonhak for this — like he's expecting people to take sides, or what?

“No, he didn't get mad at me. Not exactly I guess. He was just… mad. He was huffing and then he ignored me when I asked if he's okay, and then he said he's taking a nap and locked himself in our room. Even left his paints out and everything.” 

“That… doesn't sound like Taesanie,” Riwoo says. It doesn't sound like an accusation, but Woonhak insists he's not lying anyway. 

Jaehyun sees where Riwoo is coming from, though. It's really not like Taesan to do stuff like this. Which means that maybe Jaehyun hurt him more than he knew. 

“Why did he do that?” Riwoo asks out loud. “Jaehyunie, do you have any idea?” 

Jaehyun shrugs, not sure if he should tell them anything about this. If he does, then it'll become a Big Deal among the members — it'll spread to the whole group and they'll talk about it, talk about him and Taesan, and it's just. Weird. 

But it's already a big deal. Jaehyun didn't know how much but — look! — the other members are involved already and it's even worse, because they have no idea what's going on. 

There's no way out of this. But, who knows — maybe it's better if his friends know it too. Maybe they'll even help him figure it out. 

“There were some… tense moments, I guess, when we were preparing our cover.” 

“Did you get in a fight?” Riwoo asks. Jaehyun winces, then shakes his head. 

“Not exactly. More like… tense, as in, I realized he's really pretty.” 

Riwoo gasps, although, for how empathic he claims to be, Jaehyun is surprised he didn't have it figured out already. 

Woonhak doesn't get it just yet. 

“Well, yeah, he's pretty, but what does that have to do with anything? What's the big deal?” 

“Woonhak,” Riwoo says sternly, and Woonhak shuts up. Then he gives Jaehyun a long look, and that's when he understands, because he says: 

“Oh.”

He sits again next to Jaehyun, putting a hand around his back, and Jaehyun, determined not to make this moment awkward, pulls Woonhak in for a big, big hug. It goes to show how much Woonhak pities him that he doesn't try to pull away, doesn't even groan or yelp or make so much as a noise. 

“If it helps, I think he likes you too,” Woonhak says. “He always talks about you at night. You know he can't sleep.” 

Jaehyun nods, but doesn't say anything. 

“Woonhakie, that's not the problem,” Riwoo says, reaching out to hold Jaehyun's hand. “The problem is, we can't do stuff like this. It's not allowed.” 

Woonhak makes some noise, then hugs Jaehyun back. Jaehyun forces a laugh, trying to save some of his dignity. 

“It's not a big deal, anyway. Just a little crush, on both our parts. It's awkward now but it'll be better.” 

“Okay,” Woonhak says, sounding like he doesn't actually believe him, but Jaehyun couldn't care less. 

“You said you wanted to play something?”

“It’s okay, we don't have to,” Woonhak says. 

“No, come on, let's team up,” Jaehyun says, giving him the controller. He cracks a smile and adds, “Maybe now I'll be able to beat Riwoo.” 

Riwoo laughs, “Like Woonhak's any better than you?” 

“Hey!” Woonhak shouts. 

“Why are you getting offended?” Jaehyun asks him, and Woonhak stammers something or other, clearly not wanting to upset Jaehyun any further. 

They lose, if you really want to know. They lose horrifically six times in a row, and then they send Woonhak to bed because he has school tomorrow. But at least they're not talking about it anymore. Jaehyun doesn't think about Taesan for a single second, and he doesn't imagine that beautiful life they could've had together, and he doesn't think about how he's here downstairs and Taesan is upstairs all alone, and how maybe it's better this way but that doesn't make it any easier. He doesn't think about any of that and just focuses on the game, or at the very least, he tries to. 

He's really better than Riwoo usually. Way better. But this is probably an off day, and that's all, and there's nothing more to it. 

The do-over

Things between him and Taesan kind of settle down, once the comeback preparations become too crazy. They have so little time to themselves lately, they can't even hold a grudge. Which, everything considered, is kind of great. 

Something that's also good is that lately they're always on camera — whenever they're on camera they have to act natural and friendly and whatever is going on between them, they have to put it aside for the sake of the fans. These days they're having so many shootings that at some point, without them noticing, it transfers to real life. Like when Leehan brings Jaehyun an apricot even though he didn't ask for one, and Jaehyun gives him his fake smile even though he's not that hungry. 

Or like right now, at dinner. 

It's their first dinner together, just the six of them, in months. They always say they should do this more often but most of the time they're not home at the same time, so it remains just a nice wish. Now here they are in the downstairs apartment, and it's a somewhat reasonable hour, so they decide to take advantage of it. Namely, Sungho decides, because he says it's good for them to spend time together (to be fair, he's right). 

They don't even order takeout or anything, because they want to do it right from all points of view — an A-class family dinner, as if they're actually a family. So Riwoo cooks, with Woonhak and Taesan helping out, while the rest of them will have to take clean-up duties (tip: don't play rock-paper-scissors ever again, especially when the stakes are this high). 

It takes them about an hour to be done with everything, during which Sungho, Jaehyun and Leehan play rock-paper-scissors again to decide who has to wash the dishes. Jaehyun loses again (pro tip: for fuck's sake, stop playing rock-paper-scissors!!). 

Before long Taesan calls out to them, saying, “Guys, dinner's ready! Hurry before Woonhak eats everything.” 

“Hyung, that's not fair! Everything smells too good, I can't help it,” Woonhak whines, carrying some plates into the living room.

“Did you or did you not almost finish the pork belly?” Riwoo asks, walking into the living room after him. 

“There's, like, a ton left!” 

“Guys, let's just eat, I'm starving,” Sungho says, helping them to bring out the plates. “Unlike others, I haven't had a bite yet.” 

“Hyung!” Woonhak shouts. 

Jaehyun chuckles, going to help too. Since the kitchen is so small, they eat in the living room where they can all be together. As they sit down, Jaehyun sees there's one empty spot between Leehan and Taesan and one next to Riwoo. Now, usually, he loves sitting next to Riwoo — he always notices when a plate is empty and takes it upon himself to fill it up, so all you have to do is eat the food that keeps on coming. 

This time, he decides to try out his luck, and sits next to Taesan. Things are still kind of tense with them, but definitely not as bad as they were — and with the comeback show in just a few days, he really wants the two of them to be friends again. 

Much to his surprise, Taesan doesn't have any reaction. He doesn't shoot him weird looks, doesn't pull away, doesn't do anything at all to show that he wishes someone else was next to him. Jaehyun takes that as a win. 

They turn the TV off so there's no distractions and they chat. Mostly they eat, though — it’s been a long day of shooting for a magazine and they're all starving. Jaehyun feels a bit awkward, being so close to Taesan after they've barely talked lately, but he cracks some jokes and that makes it bearable. 

Plus, not counting about the Taesan deal, it's pretty nice that even though he's not sitting with Riwoo, Leehan still gives him an extra bowl of ramen. 

And then, the greatest thing happens: 

Taesan gets up, saying he's going to get a glass of water, and asks: “Does anyone want anything from the kitchen?” 

Jaehyun doesn't, actually, but this is his chance to test the waters, so he clears his throat and says: “Um, yeah, could you bring the salt?” 

Everyone stops eating, even Woonhak, and watches the interaction instead. Jaehyun can feel the tension in the air but instead of focusing on the rest of them, he focuses on Taesan. Taesan doesn't say anything but he pours himself some water, he grabs the salt shaker, and comes back. 

As he shows Jaehyun the salt shaker, and Jaehyun goes to grab it, Taesan sneaks in a loud: “Paw!” 

Jaehyun only realizes once he has the salt shaker in his hand, and before he can say a thing, Taesan scratches his chin and says, “Good boy!” 

Jaehyun stares at him as he sits down, and then Taesan gives him a look — something mischievous, something a little nervous — and Jaehyun pulls himself together. 

He glares at Taesan, grumbles the usual “I'm not a dog,” then sprinkles some salt over his food. Leehan laughs and scratches his ear, joining in Taesan's game, and then everyone starts eating again, and that's it. Just like that, things are back to normal. 

The silent agreement / The end

The comeback show comes and goes. Even if he tried, Jaehyun couldn't for the life of him tell you what happened that day. He woke up at an ungodly hour, he went to hair and makeup, he talked to onedoors, he performed their new songs, and then the day was suddenly over and the six of them were together in the living room, eating their first actual meal of the day and crying for a successful comeback. 

And now, a few days later, they’re again in the same living room, fighting for the good spots in front of the TV to watch their comeback show for the first time. 

The premise is pretty good. The beginning is interesting and they start off with the first song on the tracklist, a performance they've perfected for weeks and weeks. Then it goes into an interactive segment where they talk to onedoors in the audience and at home, and then they're doing another performance. 

Then it's the covers. 

They all had to MC for this part and introduce the stages in pairs. Leehan and Woonhak introduced the first stage, which is Sungho and Riwoo’s cover. 

Their decor is good, their voices are the best they've ever been, the stylists went all out. Even through the screen, they really brought the performance to life and it's electrifying just to watch. They did the high notes flawlessly and it's clear they practiced a lot, because the emotions they convey feel genuine, when Jaehyun knows for sure that neither of them has ever had a real girlfriend or boyfriend, just barely a few crushes now and then. When it's over, Jaehyun can swear that this will go viral. Maybe even the queen IU herself will see it — how awesome would that be? 

Next is Jaehyun and Taesan's cover. Jaehyun sits up to see better, hoping to everything on earth that they didn't mess it up. This is his first time watching it — he was way too nervous back then, and afterwards he kept telling himself that it's better to wait until it's on TV. 

The stage is beautiful, despite his worries. Just like Jaehyun wanted it — that's one good thing about their team, they always listen to their ideas. The stylists too, they did everything Jaehyun asked, and it looks really good. If the idol thing doesn't work out, he should totally switch to being a creative director for the rest of his life. 

During the performance it was a bit tense, Jaehyun can't lie. Things with Taesan are okay — normal, at the very least — but it's undeniable that there's still some history between them. 

Usually Jaehyun can forget about his problems and do his job without letting anything get to him, but for this one performance, when it was just him and Taesan on the whole stage, doing a choreography that they both hated just because it would've been too much to do anything else, and with everything that's been going on… Both of them were filled with emotions, and not one was about being a cool guy. 

They look overwhelmed, but in a way that makes the performance more intense, like they're putting themselves out there raw. Everything they've gone through, everything they've felt for so long, it wasn't for nothing: they came together and put on a good performance. An amazing one, actually. For the three minutes it lasts, Jaehyun can't take his eyes off the screen at all. 

Only once it's over does he realize that he has tears in his eyes, but he blinks hard and they go away. He looks at Taesan, then. Taesan is looking back, something heavy in his eyes too. 

Jaehyun smiles. 

“We did a good job, Taesanie.”

Taesan presses his lips tightly together, then nods. “It looks great.” 

“Yeah… We're awesome.” 

It feels like more — right now is the kind of moment where Jaehyun almost forgets about everyone else and what's going on around him. But nothing actually happens. It's just that one long look, and it stays at that. 

Then Taesan looks away, abruptly, like he's snapping out of it; Jaehyun turns to the TV too, where Leehan and Woonhak's performance is starting, and the night goes on like normal. 

Whatever was between them — whatever still is, because feelings so deep can't go away so fast — won't ruin what they have. They're members of the same group and, more than that, they're friends. 

That pretty fantasy of being together, openly in love — that will never come to life. Things will keep hurting for a while, until they both move on, but all the while they'll still be friends. For now and as long as they can. That's the price they have to pay for being idols, because nothing will ever come close to the love they have for the job. 

As different as Jaehyun and Taesan can be, at least they have this in common.