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“Makio, I want you to meet someone.”
She turned her head slightly, only to see behind her shoulders. The stool cried with just a single move, which annoyed her.
“This is Iwakura-san,” Juno had their usual playful smile, the one that Makio wasn’t a big fan of.
The lighting inside the bar had a dirty-yellowish undertone, but it was still easy to see the woman’s bright red lipstick and stylish clothes. She had a clean haircut that rested not that far below her chin and eyes that sparkled. Makio wasn’t so sure if they would have too much in common.
“Please, call me Nao,” she extended her right hand for a hand-shake, forcing Makio to finally turn completely. “Jun-san told me a lot about you, Koudai-san.”
“If I’m going to call you by your first name, please do it too. I’m Makio, hope Juno didn’t bash my image so much.”
Juno scoffed. “Oh please, I only say great things about you.” They heard their name being called and were out of the way as fast as they arrived. “I’ll be back soon, please don’t mind me and talk.”
They were all gathered to celebrate the new film based on Juno's latest book. It wasn’t common for Makio to accept invitations like this one, but staying inside the house meant having to deal with the painful doubts she started to feel regarding her own feelings about her niece, which she wasn’t quite sure if she was ready to face it yet. That and also the fact that Juno called her at least 5 times the night before demanding her presence.
“So,” the tall woman said, as she sat down next to Makio. “What are you drinking?”
“Fitzgerald or something. It was listed as a drink one of the characters would ask if they were here,” Makio pointed at the framed flier in the middle of the counter, which caught the woman’s attention. “Don’t ask me what’s on here because I have no idea. Besides the lime.”
Nao laughed and called for the bartender to order the same thing. “Well, since we do have a lot in common, maybe I’ll like it too?”
Suddenly, a memory invaded Makio’s mind and she remembered Juno talking about this friend of theirs that was left to raise her niece, just like her — however, if her mind wasn’t playing tricks on her, it was not due to tragic circumstances, but free choice. It was all fuzzy. At the time, Makio barely listened, way too interested in the dumplings they were sharing at their favorite chinese restaurant.
“I’m sure you’re going to love her,” Juno’s faint voice echoed inside her head. “I can see a little of you on her.”
Now, seeing Nao in front of her, flesh and bones, Makio doubted that Juno was serious about that.
Nonetheless, she sparked her interest. There was a very charming aura surrounding that mysterious and beautiful woman. Her movements were precise and very delicate; not quite like a cat, but there was still a feline undertone to it. With painted nails adorning long fingers, she carefully grabbed her new glass and took it to her mouth, tasting it.
It was hypnotic, almost sensual.
“It’s good!” She said, licking her lips. “I’m normally not a big fan of gin, but the lemon adds a balance to it.”
Makio just nodded, even though her knowledge in drinks wasn’t the best. On her late nights with her friends, she would normally drink the cheap wine they brought or grab a couple of cold white beers to enjoy with some snacks. She chose that one mostly because the name caught her attention since she remembered it from a book she read not that long ago. It was sweet before it turned bitter, once the gin started to slide down the throat.
“So how did you meet Juno?”
“I’m working with them for the movie,” Nao grinned from behind the glass. “I’m in charge of the styling for the whole production.”
Makio’s eyes got bigger, same as her curiosity. “That’s impressive! Bet it was a challenge to meet Juno's ideas.”
She shook her head. “It was very easy, Juno is fun to work with. I read the book before and really liked it. So when I heard they were in need of a stylist, I decided to apply.”
“Do you usually work on movies and stuff?”
“No, not really. This one was my first time working in one,” her drink wasn’t even halfway done but her smiles were already free. “I couldn’t let this opportunity go and I’m glad Juno trusted me with this challenge.”
“I admire you,” Makio answered, playing with the lemon wedge at the corner of her glass. “I’m not someone who’s very up to challenges like that.”
“You should try it. We lose way too much time thinking when we should just be doing it.”
Her confident glow made Makio's skin shiver slightly. She felt that, underneath those words, there were thousands of stories to be brought up and her hands were itching to grab at least one of them. But, somehow, she felt like the one who was being read was her.
“Is that why you let your niece come live with you?” Makio cleaned her throat when Nao’s left brow got up. “I don’t know much of it, just what Juno told me.”
She laughed. “So Juno-san talked about me too, huh?”
“Oh you know…They were very excited to introduce me to someone who is just like me, you know, a “30 something woman having to take care of her niece”.”
She had a faint but glowy grin covering her whole face. It was almost as if talking about her niece out loud made her whole spirit soar. That new expression made something bubble inside Makio — what exactly was was hard to explain. Admiration was definitely one of the feelings mixed inside this new sensation, but there was a sour aftertaste too hard to ignore.
It was jealousy. She was jealous of a woman that felt such tender love for the daughter of a sibling. Jealous of someone who was brave enough to open up and let herself crash into this new experience that was raising a human. Jealous of Nao, who wasn’t scared of straying from her orbit and drifting away.
“Maybe,” Nao answered, eyes vague, mind definitely elsewhere. “At first, when my brother called me to ask if Mitsumi could stay with me while she was in Tokyo, I felt some type of…” She chewed on a block of ice before answering, fetching for the right word to say. “Resentment I guess?”
“Bad relationship?”
She sighed. “Not really. Not with him, at least. More like…With the whole situation, I guess? It’s not that I don’t love her, it’s impossible not to. Omitsu has such a kind heart that affects you in some ways, makes you want to be a better person,” she let out a light laugh. “When I lived with my parents and could follow her growth closely, I had so much pain inside me that it became difficult to have a close relationship. I was so afraid of affecting her in some way, of saying something wrong that would end up hurting her. And yet she still had this love for me that revealed itself in such innocent ways.”
“So why the resentment?”
“I guess I envied her, somehow.” Nao looked at Makio for a brief second before signing to the bartender, asking for another drink. “She was having the chance to live what I wanted to live when I was her age, with parents that encouraged her and friends that she would call every night…It wasn’t obvious at first. It grew while she lived with me for a month, but something in me tells me it all started with that first conversation with my brother.”
“It was as if he was asking you to live with someone you always wanted to be.”
“Silly, right? But I’m glad I said yes. Now, I can honestly say I'm helping to raise my favorite person in the world.”
She had the most beautiful expression decorating her features. There was a tinge of pain hidden inside her eyes, but her mouth shined with a smile and her cheeks were already flushed from the alcohol. The love she felt for her niece was undeniable, so vivid that Makio could almost touch.
A shiver ran through Makio's spine as soon as she realized that, after years of denial, she had a faint understanding of that emotion. It was hard to unroll after avoiding for so long, but deep down she could finally relate to the feeling of being proud, of caring so much for another human being that you would do anything for her. Of feeling her roots growing after so long, of being tied down by someone else other than her own self.
That feeling before wasn’t jealousy, it was comprehension, proximity. And that scared her. Scared her to death.
“I think I get where you’re coming from,” Makio gulped down the last few drops of gin mixed with lime juice and melted ice, letting it burn her from inside out. “But sometimes I wonder if I’m allowed to.”
Nao was confused. “You think you’re not allowed to love her?”
“I don’t think I’m worth it .”
Makio blamed the alcohol for making it so easy to open up to that complete stranger. It could also be Nao’s almond eyes that got glossier as the night went by or for her comforting aura, her arms that called for a hug. It was different from Daigo, who felt almost like family, someone who was always in the background of her memories, or even Kasamachi, who shared a more intimate and delicate connection, recomforting but demanding at the same time.
Nao was a new curiosity she acquired as the bar became more lively and the drink started to dissolve inside her mouth. She was a brand new journal, with fresh pages begging for inc. She wanted to drag Makio’s stories out of her, make her bleed, make her open up for good, make her wish she could run away now to hug Asa and never let her go. Nao was a mirror and a completely different person, at the same time. Someone who knew what it was like to have her own flesh and blood walking around the house barefeet, texting her best friends about the most trivial things, but also someone Makio could never be.
Nao was a cold glass of fitzgerald and a fresh bite out of a slice of lemon.
“You must think I’m crazy,” Makio laughed when she noticed Nao’s concerned eyes. “First day and I’m already saying selfish things.”
“Not really. I’m mostly concerned,” a beat. “And curious, I have to admit.”
“It’s hard for me to explain, really,” she said, words mixing with her sigh. “I was never present in her life and hated her mother with all my heart before she died. It was hard for me to see Asa for herself and not a shadow of my sister, or even to understand her grief completely. But something changed after a while.”
“She started to feel real…”
“Or I started to allow myself to feel things I didn’t know I was able to. I've lived my whole life being so independent, just living with myself and my writing, never having to worry about anyone else,” Makio felt like vomiting. “And now I’m scared of anything ever happening to me because Asa would be all alone. One simple mistake could be eternal, could make a huge mess.”
“And you hate it because you start to understand how your sister felt.” Nao’s suave tone made her flinch.
“Hearing it out loud sounds a little bad.”
Nao sat a little straighter and let her eyes wander. Makio could see she was trying to find the right words to say and that already made her feel like shit. Maybe it wasn’t the best idea to get out of the house to meet new people when you aren't quite sociable. It always ends up like this: Makio will say something that sounded way better inside her head and, in response, all she will receive are shared glances and unsightly smiles. It was time for her to let subjects that relate to Asa be shared only between the ones who already knew how her brain worked.
“I think you do have a point, in the end.” Nao brought her back to reality, but not the way she expected to. “It is quite painful to see yourself relating to someone who hurted you in some way or you swore never to be similar.”
Makio didn’t answer, far too uncomfortable for it.
The woman giggled. “Look, I’m not going to sit here and pretend that raising someone is the easiest job in the world, especially when that said person isn’t even your own child. It’s hard, even frustrating. We can love that person to pieces and still wish they shut up for a few seconds after a long day at work,” she brought her glass close to her mouth. “You’re allowed to feel those things and still love them. You are worthy of love, Makio-san. Of loving too.”
Her whole body started to melt, skin detaching from her muscles. All thanks to that acid feeling that embraced embarrassment and relief. It was comfortable to hear what we craved the most — however, when it comes from a voice that you’ve just started to get used to, the line between believing in it or calling it a bluff starts to get blurry.
“I don’t think you would repeat that after living with me,” Makio let her tongue do the talking rather than her conscience. “Talk to Asa and you’ll find out.”
“Have you ever asked her that?”
“Ask what?”
“If it would be ok for you to love her,” Makio scoffed, but Nao kept going. “Ok, fine, an easier one: ask her how she feels about you and how it feels to live with you.”
“She might think I went crazy.”
Nao’s hearty laugh resonated between them, so strong that it was hard for Makio not to smile. “Well, wouldn’t it be fun? Being the crazy aunt, the one she tells her friends about.”
“Oh, I can already tell her friends think I’m a little weird. At least their mothers do, I’m sure of it.”
Nao’s cell phone started to vibrate before she could answer. With a polite bow, she excused herself to take the call outside, giving Makio the chance of being kind enough to pay both of her bills. When she came back, her cheeks were flushed and her hair a little messy because of the wind. It was her boyfriend, she said, and Makio can’t deny that there was a tinge of disappointment after hearing those words.
“He told me he’s almost here to pick me up. I’ll take you paying my bill as an invitation for another round of drinks sometime.” Makio didn’t have an answer for that, so she just shrugged. “Give me your phone, I won’t let you off the hook so easily.”
“We can take our kids to the playground one day,” she said, after obeying Nao’s order. “I bet they would get along.”
“Omitsu will love it, I’m sure of it.” She started to turn back when she stopped. “Let yourself feel other things than fear, Makio-san. Don’t forget that.”
Makio just waved her hand, telling her to hurry up and go.