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He couldn't remember when the warm feelings started taking control of his thoughts and making him weak in the knees.
He couldn't remember when the faint stabbing in his chest evolved into agonizing pain that wracked his whole body, squeezing and contracting.
In fact, the only thing Iwaizumi was certain of, was, a) he was very in love with his very male best friend, and b) He was so screwed.
Hajime put his head in his hands and rubbed his temples, cursing the gods for placing him in such a cruel position. He was currently tucked away in a glade of trees deep in the public park's woods, pulling grass out of the ground from around his feet and relishing the peaceful serenity as a place to think. He was leaning against a large Oak tree that had become so familiar over the years, giant limbs stretching out and reaching for the sky. Vibrant wildflowers and tall cattails grew at the edge of a small pond that rippled in the soft wind. The faint sound of dragonfly wings and rustling leaves helped to comfort Hajime. He leaned his head back and sighed, looking at the overhead branches and how they seemed to weave together, only showing part of the cloudy sky beyond. He frowned, slightly disappointed that the weather was so gloomy.
This was our special place.
He shook his head, trying to clear the sad haze that had washed over him. He frowned deeply, nostalgia and regret began to overcome him.
If only he could go back. To when he didn't have that tight feeling in his chest whenever his hand or shoulder would brush the other's. To before the tips of his ear would heat up when Oikawa actually smiled at him, not his fake grin he'd put up for his fangirls. To When he didn't find himself incredibly sad and restless on school nights because he was so confused as to what caused the pain in his heart. Back to when he would wake up early to get ready for school and hurry over to Oikawa's house to walk with him to the bus stop, talking about their plans for after class the whole way.
God, he missed it. He missed the innocent cuddles when they were kids, no matter how many times he would deny it. He missed swimming in Summer and catching bugs in Spring. He missed leaf piles in Autumn and snowball fights in Winter.
He remembered when they were 7, Oikawa caught a cold after falling into their pond on a particularly cold day, and no matter how hard they tried, their mothers couldn't keep Iwaizumi from sneaking in through the window to comfort Oikawa. (He later caught whatever Oikawa had and they spent their sick days snuggling to keep each other's chills away.)
He remembered the day in middle school where Oikawa gave him his first perfect toss after training for months. Out of the corner of his eye as he jumped he could see a flash of wonder in caramel eyes and he couldn't help but feel like he could fly, even if he had spiked hundreds before. When he slammed the ball down, winning the point, he couldn't help the biggest grin from forming on his face, even giving Oikawa a compliment on his form. The look on the setter's face was priceless.
He looked back down at the ground, a small smile painted on his face. Most of all, he remembered their time together here.
Summer nights spent playing with the fireflies, secret hand shakes, playing pretend, hide and seek. He recalled Oikawa's favorite thing to do was to climb to his special branch in his favorite Oak tree and watch the stars on clear nights. (Iwaizumi used to think it was stupid, now he secretly thinks it's adorable when Tooru gets into his space facts and alien theories. He never really could understand his fascination with it though.)
Iwaizumi's smile immediately vanished when something caught his eye. The white stood out from the lush green of it's surroundings. He slowly got up and rested on his haunches, leaning over the last foot to grasp the stem and tug. A dying flower, or rather, a Dandelion.
He held the flower right in front of his face, closely inspecting the white fluff. He could see the small connectors and where they were attached at the spongy center.
Tooru loves Dandelions.
"Iwa-chaaaan! Iwa-chan look!" 8 year old Oikawa called to his best friend, hand hiding something behind his back. "What? and I told you not to call me that..." Iwaizumi grumbled, knowing that his protests wouldn't change the nickname. Oikawa revealed what he had been hiding, and Iwaizumi was not impressed.
"a bunch of dead flowers?" he scoffed, turning away. He didn't even have to look back to see Oikawa's pout. "They're not just dead flowers, iwa-chan!" he protested back, taking hold of Iwaizumi's shirt and tugging it. "my momma says, if You make a wish and blow all the petals off, then your wish will come true!." Iwaizumi froze, debating whether or not he should give in and show he was interested.
"R-really?" He turned back, in a way admitting he had been defeated. Oikawa grinned and nodded, holding one of the dandelions out to the other. Hajime gently took it, as if it was the most precious thing in the world. His mind was still reeling.
What do I wish for most in this world?
He watched in wonder as Oikawa blew on his and sent the white fluffy seeds spiraling into the air. The wind carried them higher and higher until they disappeared into the bands of light that painted the sky.
I know.
Iwaizumi closed his eyes and took in a deep breath, concentrating.
I wish...
I wish me and Tooru could be best friends forever!
He opened his eyes and blew as hard as he could, causing the tiny parachute like seeds to take flight. He smiled then. Oikawa turned to him, bouncing with excitement. "Iwa-chan! what did you wish for? I wished that one day I would meet some aliens!"
"Stupidkawa! Everyone knows if tell someone your wish it won't come true!" Iwaizumi scolded, giving Oikawa a light punch on the arm.
"Ow! Mean Iwa-chan!" Tooru had whined, rubbing the spot he had hit.
Of course Hajime would never admit he just wanted an excuse to keep the meaningful wish to himself.
The flashbacks over took him all at once and before he knew it he was crying. Hot, salty tears rolled down his face and his vision blurred, causing the Dandelion in front of him to distort. He let out a strangled hiccup and closed his eyes, sucking in a breath.
"I w-wish..." he hiccuped again, the sound catching in his throat. "That he would forget his fangirls... and pay attention to his best friend again." Iwaizumi whispered.
"I wish we could go on more adventures, just like it used to be." Sobs wracked his body, and never before had Hajime felt so small and vulnerable.
"I wish Oikawa would still watch the stars with me, and cuddle with me, and make me feel like I'm at home." For the first time in years he was crying.
"I wish he loved me back"
Iwaizumi sucked in a breath and blew, the gust of air disconnecting the seeds from the flower. The gentle breeze that had occasionally brushed past Iwaizumi's face was nonexistent, and Hajime watched sadly as the fluff slowly sunk right out of the air, coming precariously close to touching the ground.
He sighed shakily, wiping his eyes, which were still streaming uncontrollably. Even when he went looking for a simple reassurance, stooping as low as a children's game, he still wasn't even allowed to have the faintest sense of hope, was he?
Then, he felt it.
A strong gust of wind flowed past him, ruffling his hair. He stared in shocked wonder as his Dandelion wish was picked up from certain death and brought up into the air, streaming through the trees and into the sky. His eyes were stretched wide as the wind persisted, lips sightly parted.
He looked up and watched as the mass of gray clouds slowly broke apart, dissipating into nothing.
For the first time all day, the sun was shining.