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It would be so easy to pick up that pen. One signature, and his life could on continue as planned. Yun exhaled, ignoring the slightly anxious gaze of Ms. Hong. He could practically imagine it; the future that that signature would promise. He picked it up, watching as a drop of ink splashed against the desk.
He wouldn’t have to work as much, as there would be no more visits to the hospital, and food would only be needed for himself. University would actually be a feasible option, and he knew that his friends would be supportive. Would probably be ecstatic, in reality. If he signed those papers, he might have a chance to be a normal teenager. Be able to hang out with his friends, slow down and enjoy his life. Inez was always begging him to tag along after them more often. But it didn’t matter.
Yun could feel Her, even now, sitting in Ms. Hong’s office. Staring into the back of his skull. Reminding him of the cockroach that he was. He put the pen back down on the desk and turned his face up to meet Ms. Hong’s. He held out the papers to her.
“I can’t,” he said, watching the flicker of disappointment come across Ms. Hong’s expression. She didn’t seem very surprised though.
“You know the government will force us to expel you, right?” she asked. Yun didn’t respond. He understood perfectly well and she knew. Part of him felt sorry for her, since she had been the only teacher who had actually bothered to check up on him and at least pretend that they cared. The silence stretched on, causing her to sigh. The shadows in the room danced as Ms. Hong stepped aside from the front of the window and came around the side of the desk. Hesitantly, she put her hand on Yun’s shoulder and gently squeezed. “You know that I don’t blame you, right? I know that you’re trying your best.”
Yun didn’t trust himself to respond. Instead, he grabbed his bag, slinging it over his shoulder as he made his way into the hallway, eyes burning. It was crowded, but everybody took care to steer clear of him, although their gazes lingered for far too long. Everybody knew. He felt heat crawl up his neck. Reaching into his bag for a cigarette, Yun stopped dead in his tracks. A girl with short hair clutching several books to her chest met his gaze. Inez.
Shit.
He picked up his pace, barely hearing her call out to him over the pounding of his head as he headed for the doors. The bright rays of the sun had just hit his face when a small hand landed on his shoulder.
“Yun! Please, just listen to me!” Inez cried, stepping in front of him without taking her hand off of his shoulder. He stopped, staring down into her face, feeling numb. He let out a breath of smoke, causing Inez to cough and step back. Suddenly he felt guilty; it wasn’t fair to leave with no explanation. Especially not to Inez, who had tried to be so kind to him. They met each other's gaze.
“I didn’t know that you smoked,” murmured Inez, frowning slightly as she watched the smoke drift off into the sky, like long, pale fingers reaching towards the sun. Yun took another drag.
“I haven’t been for very long. It’s just, you know, with everything…,” he paused letting his words trail off. He still couldn’t say it. And he could still feel Her eyes on him. Watching silently from just a few feet away, gaze penetrating deep into his skull. Inez looked sad. She reached out her hand as if she wanted to put it back on his shoulder, but seemed to lose her nerve at the last moment, and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear instead. Part of Yun wanted to cry and beg her to touch him again. The other part wanted to scream at her.
They both looked up as a flock of birds flew overhead, heading in the direction of the harbour, away from the city. Yun suddenly wished that he could fly. To soar blissfully away from all of his problems. It was the perfect day for flying too; not one cloud in the sky. But he was a cockroach, and cockroaches had to crawl upon the ground.
“I’m being expelled,” he said abruptly, turning away from Inez, not wanting to see her reaction. “I don’t know where I’ll be going, but I won’t be able to come back here.” He kept his eyes fixed on the ground, unsure of what to do or say next. Inez didn’t say anything, although he could hear the hesitant tap of her shoes as she stepped closer to him.
“So is this goodbye? You don’t want to see m- us ever again?” Inez sounded angry and hurt, but she hadn’t been able to completely cover her slip. Yun looked back up at her, seeing her flushed face and wide eyes, horrified to notice the tears that were brimming in them. Her hair had somehow untucked itself from behind her ear and he had a strange desire to reach out and brush it back. To hold her hand and apologize for all the times that he had ignored her; had hurt her. He longed to reach out and comfort her, but he couldn’t. Inez deserved so much more than his pathetic attempts at friendship. Still…
Yun knew that he didn’t have to completely cut himself off even though he got expelled. He could find another school, stay in contact, and maybe he and Inez would be able to become something more than friends. But even as he looked at her pretty face, full of anger and sadness, he knew that that had never been an option for him. The path forward was becoming more clear to him, even now. He took a step back.
“It’s not that I don’t want to see you guys. I care about you, and Lou, and all the rest. You guys are my friends. It’s just…,” he paused, not knowing which way to do this that would hurt her the least. “I need to fix this. And I can’t do that if I stay here. With you. So I guess you’re right. This is goodbye.” He forced himself to look at her the entire time he spoke, even when a small tear crept out from the corner of her eye and slid down her face. Yun exhaled, trying not to choke on his guilt, watching as the smoke curled up towards the sky. Inez was looking at him as if her heart was breaking.
“Yun,” she pleaded, her voice cracking as she said his name. Suddenly it was all too much. The bright, clear sky, the chirping of the birds; the way that the light breeze made her hair flutter around her shoulders. Without another word, Yun left, striding down the path that led out of the school grounds, not looking back once, even as a choked sob rang out behind him.
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Despite being the middle of the day, throngs of people crowded Anwei’s streets. Vendors hawked at passersby, and exhausted looking mothers dragged their young children into shops. Yun watched idly, feeling oddly detached from the whole scene. He stepped out of the way of a group of laughing pre-teens, obviously caught up in the rush of playing hooky from school. Water from the river splashed onto the nearby docks as fishermen clambered out of their boats, lugging in their catch from the day. Yun’s gaze traveled further up the river, his eyes squinting against the glare from the sun. The water was calm, tranquil. He continued walking, stopping at the harbour for a moment, taking in the vast memorial site.
People were still devastated over the explosion, and crying could be heard across the sea of candles and flowers. Yun swallowed, clutching the bouquet of flowers he was holding tighter. He had a grave to visit too.
Digging into the bouquet, Yun pulled out a single flower, and reached down to place it next to a photograph of an Eversteid boy he didn’t recognize. He looked to have been the same age as Yun.
Straightening up, Yun tipped his head towards the sky, pretending that he didn’t feel the eyes boring into the back of his head. He couldn’t put it off any longer. Turning away from the harbour, he noticed a strange figure lurking among the memorial site. Whoever it was wasn’t crying or arranging flowers like the others paying their respects. They were just staring. Straight at Yun. A chill swept over him as he left the harbour.
Xuan’s grave was in the woods, set slightly farther away from the others. He hadn’t been able to afford anything more, but the peace of the woods distracted him from Her. He arranged the flowers around Her portrait, desperately trying not to look up. It was impossible, the things that he was seeing, and he had to act like nothing was wrong. Maybe if he just looked at Her once, the apparition would vanish, be swept up with the smoke and drift into the clear, blue sky.
Taking a deep breath, Yun looked up, straight into the dead, black eyes that he’d been so grateful to see shut for good. She said nothing, just stood there looking down upon him. Looking down upon the cockroach. He didn’t know whether she was angry or sad; whether or not she felt guilty for leaving him on his own. But it didn’t matter.
As they gazed at each other, an idea began to take hold in Yun’s mind. An image of an Anwei where people weren’t trapped in endless comas, where magic was free for all to use. It wouldn’t be easy, but as he stared into his mother’s eyes, he knew that it was up to him to make his country whole again. To create a world that had only ever existed in his dreams.