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Buck felt tired, exhausted. Not physically, though, since, as shifts go, this was a pretty calm one, Q-word if he was being honest. No, his exhaustion was mentally. He had no idea how he was supposed to deal with all of that for how long it took for them to reinstate Bobby as Captain of the 118. It made him question things, to want to risk everything just so he didn’t have to look at that man in the eye ever again. He knew, deep down, that it wasn’t worth it.
He let out a deep sigh once he entered his apartment building and thanked the heavens for the next 48 hours free of Gerrard and his snarky comments that offended everyone and everything and should not be repeated to anyone ever.
Buck opened the door to his loft and was greeted with a very nice smell of something cooking that made his stomach twist inside. He looked around confused as to how he had missed the song playing in the background and that smell that was everywhere – which pretty much showed him how off he had been feeling.
“Hey, sweetheart,” greeted Tommy from where he was in front of his stove. Buck looked at him, still confused and with the door still opened. The pilot looked at him, offering one of his smiles that made Buck’s entire world disappear, his insides melt and some of the tension of the day disappear. Buck still couldn’t move, still lost at what was going on in there. It did seem pretty simple, but his brain had been so stuck on all of the bad things, his entire mood had been soured over the last couple of months that he just couldn’t process the basics of anything.
Tommy seemed to sense that, turning off the stove and approaching him with caution and worry in his eyes. He closed the door behind Buck, grabbed his duffel from his shoulders and put it on the floor. Buck just let him and let out a breath of relief once Tommy embraced him. His strong arms wrapping him in; his smell engulfing him, trapping him inside a Tommy bubble were everything was perfect, there were no pricks, and no bad thing was allowed to happen. He could feel the tension leaving his body for good as he sunk into Tommy’s arms, his big hands coming to cradle his hands and mess with his hair the way it made Buck almost purr every time he did it.
He had no idea how long they stood there, with Tommy holding him and Buck melting in his arms, feeling all the negative feelings leave his body. Some still clouded his mind though and Buck could sense that they weren’t leaving anytime soon. But that felt like something he should talk about, take it off his chest and dump on someone who would understand perfectly what it feels like. They’d definitely be doing that at some point later, but not now. Now Buck wanted to be inside this bubble forever.
“Talk to me, Evan,” asked Tommy, tone of voice silent, calm, patient. If there was anyone in this world that could understand what was going on with Buck, was Tommy. And he almost cried at that. Because it was so unfair that Tommy knew exactly what he was feeling; that he probably went through worse all those years back. At least now Buck had people by his side, but from what little he knew about Tommy’s past under Gerrard, the pilot was alone.
“I don’t know how you did it,” confessed Buck, his voice muffled by how his face was buried in Tommy’s chest. He wasn’t moving away from there, it was soothing. He could feel and hear Tommy’s heartbeats, the movement of him breathing so calmly, helping Buck to focus and relax. “It’s just… It makes me question everything. If it’s all worth it.” Tommy’s body tensed just a little bit and for such a short time that Buck wouldn’t have noticed if they weren’t so close and if he wasn’t paying attention to everything his body did to help him. He knew what that meant. “Not this. Not you. Not us.” He was quick to make sure Tommy knew that not a single brain cell of Buck ever questioned them. If anything, it was the complete opposite. Buck moved enough so he could look Tommy in the eyes. “Never you.” He held his gaze until he could see Tommy believed in him.
“I know, sorry.” Tommy said, smiling ever so briefly. “I know how he can get to us, to mess with our heads. And you’re still figuring stuff out...”
“Hey, no… This is not something I’m still figuring out. I’m sure of this. Why do I keep saying this? I’m sure of us. You and me for however long and hopefully forever.”
“Forever, huh?” Tommy asked and Buck had to smile, feeling his face blushing profusely.
They’ve been together for just a couple of months, it might seem early to be having those thoughts of forever, let alone actually speaking of it, but if it served the purpose of making sure Tommy didn’t question if Buck was certain of this, then he would do it.
“I need something to get me by during shifts, right?”
“So, you fantasize about forever? With me?” Tommy asked, not seeming creeped out by the idea, just amused.
God, Buck loved how easy it was between them. How easily they navigated serious, tense problems and went seamlessly into lighter topics. If there was one thing, or someone, saving Buck’s sanity over the past couple of months, that person was definitely Tommy.
“Wouldn’t you like to know,” joked Buck, untangling himself from Tommy to finally find out what he was cooking for them. “What you’re doing that smells so good?”
“Thought you’d be more curious about why I’m here,” said Tommy, following him.
“Well, I did give you a spare key.”
“For emergencies.”
“Is this not an emergency? Me loosing my entire sanity because of your former boss?” Asked Buck, looking at what Tommy was up to in the kitchen. It did smell good. Tommy’s silence made him look back at the man. “You’re not seriously worried about this, right? Like, I honestly don’t mind you being here.”
“I mean, we never actually talked about it? And we never did anything like that for each other?” It was cute, Buck thought, seeing Tommy so uncertain. He still remembered the first time he talked about the pilot to Maddie, so many months ago. The first thing he gushed about was his confidence, and over the past few months Buck had a front seat to all the moments Tommy felt anything but confident. It was endearing, seeing that armor of a man, who could pilot a chopper like no other and take him down on the mat during their Muay Thai sessions as if he weighted nothing, feel uncertain over making a surprise to his boyfriend after a hard shift.
“There’s a first time for everything,” Buck brushed it off. “I would’ve suggested, actually, but I thought you’d be working?” Their schedules were a mess, and it was the biggest struggle of their relationship to align their off days so they could do something.
“Lucy asked to switch. I thought it was a nice opportunity to come and surprise you.” Tommy said, still quite uncertain. Buck smiled.
“Mission accomplished. So, what’s that? It smells delicious, my mouth is actually watering.”
“Just some ratatouille,” Tommy said, approaching him. “It needs some time in the oven though, so you could go and take a shower? Wash away what’s left of your worries and tension?”
“Sounds good.” Buck agreed, he waited for Tommy to be near him. “Hey,” he said, two fingers resting on Tommy’s chin, forcing the pilot to look at him. “Thank you.” Buck kissed him gently, feeling his body relax under his touch, Tommy finally accepting that he wasn’t mad at the non-emergency use of his keys. “I’m really happy you’re here.”
“Always.”
“Always, huh?”
“If you can think of forever, so can I.”
And Buck really liked that. In the past, with his former girlfriends, the mere idea of forever sounded terrifying, but ever since things started to work with Tommy and he felt more at ease with himself, more confident in his own body, that didn’t sound like such an abstract idea. Maybe they could actually do it.
“Careful what you wish for.”