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“My wife is virtuous and beautiful, a real noble, gracious special someone who I’ve liked ever since I was young.”
Hua Cheng’s words kept replaying themselves in Xie Lian’s head as he sat in the shade by the field ridges. His mind, already made fuzzy by the harsh sunlight, whirled into a jumbled mess.
The memory from the other day resurfaced. Memory of Hua Cheng “proposing” to him on the skeleton step-litter.
“Gege, want to get married?”
Xie Lian vividly remembered how dazzlingly handsome the Ghost King looked when he said those words, how his eye was filled with playful adoration (which Xie Lian quickly learned wasn’t directed at him), and how much Xie Lian wanted to just throw all caution to the wind and say ‘yes’. Still, it took only a moment for the spell to break—Hua Cheng had told him then it was merely a joke, that Xie Lian should forget about it altogether.
How could he though? When all he wanted was to stay by Hua Cheng’s side, to keep basking in the undivided attention that Xie Lian knew he was underserved of? Was Hua Cheng simply teasing him, wanting to see him flustered? Or perhaps Hua Cheng was practicing on Xie Lian, so that one day he could propose to his special someone on the same step-litter?
There was a sudden tightness in his throat. He swallowed hard and tried to push it down, only to leave a tinge of bitterness on his tongue, a heaviness settled in the pit in his stomach. What was this feeling? What was he expecting exactly? That he was Hua Cheng’s “noble, gracious special someone”? That Hua Cheng had been secretly in love with him for years and had been pursuing him in the past few months?
Yeah, right.
Xie Lian might be inexperienced in romantic relationship, but he wasn’t naïve and delusional. However close the two of them seemed to be to other people, Xie Lian understood very well that Hua Cheng only saw him as a friend. Friends bantered and made jokes for laughs all the time. He should be happy and honored Hua Cheng was comfortable with him enough that he’d joke about something like that, and trusted that Xie Lian wouldn’t take offence in being the recipient of such a harmless jest.
And Xie Lian didn’t mind, truly. Felt proud to be riding on the step-litter alongside the Ghost King, even. But why did it also feel like dozens of needles were jabbed into his heart, completely unlike the pain inflicted by Fang Xin centuries ago?
He was so lost in thought that it took him a while to realize Hua Cheng was hovering above him and waving his hand in front of his face, blocking the sun shining high in the sky.
“-ege…Gege?”
“H-huh?”
“Is everything okay? Gege seems…troubled,” Hua Cheng asked, concern written on his young, handsome face.
He was always like this. Being considerate of Xie Lian’s feeling, almost unbearably nice. Not only that, he was powerful, smart, mischievous and loyal. Even if it was as Hua Cheng had stated, that he was still in the middle of courting this special person, Xie Lian was sure it would only be a matter of time before his beloved learnt how amazing he was and returned his feeling. They would soon become a couple and eventually tie the knot. And once that happened, there was no way Hua Cheng would be spending this much time with Xie Lian anymore. His beloved would be the only one worthy of his attention, and Xie Lian would be alone once again…
His throat closed up at the thought, his stomach weighted even heavier.
“Gege?”
Still in a bit of haze, Xie Lian blinked and stuttered out, “I-I’m fine! Sorry San Lang, it’s just--ah, it’s hot!”
Hua Cheng’s brows drew closer, his attentive eyes never strayed from Xie Lian’s face for a second. All of a sudden Xie Lian found the gaze too much to handle. Averting his eyes, he masked his distress by wiping the sweat from his forehead.
“It’s scorching hot out here! I think I’ll go inside and rest for a bit!” He managed to squeeze out, but couldn’t stop his voice from wavering nor the prickle at the corners of his eyes. Without waiting for a response, he fled the scene and all but ran back to Puqi Shrine, leaving a perturbed Hua Cheng standing on the spot.
The shrine was thankfully empty at the moment, with Guzi probably out in the backyard attending to Qi Rong. Xie Lian hastily shut the door behind him, heart pounding and face hot. He flopped down on the straw mat and took a few deep breaths, hoping to calm his racing heartbeats. He did calm down slightly after a few, but the ache in his heart and the urge to cry wouldn’t relent an inch. If anything, they kept building. Hua Cheng’s yearning expression when he talked about his special someone refused to leave his mind alone.
Why was he being so petty? He should feel happy for Hua Cheng. He was so, so good, and he deserved all the happiness in the world!
But I wish I was the one giving him that happiness.
With a small gasp, a single tear finally broke free of its restraint and meandered down his cheek. He bit down on his lower lip, trying to stop more tears from falling and failing miserably. That was when a small voice came from behind him.
“Gege…”
Xie Lian whirled around, and sure enough, Hua Cheng was standing by the door. He had shifted back into his true form. Xie Lian hastily looked away and rubbed at his face with his sleeve before turning back. It was clearly too late though, as Hua Cheng’s expression crumbled at seeing Xie Lian’s state.
“Oh, S-San Lang…I’m just—something has gotten into my eyes…”
“…Gege, what happened?”
“Ah…that’s nothing. Pay me no mind, please!” He struggled to find an excuse, and settled with laughing awkwardly. Even without a mirror he knew how he looked—a wary, crooked smile on a flushed, tear-stained face. How ridiculous. “This old god is simply…I don’t know what’s gotten into me, hahaha…”
At his words, Hua Cheng’s expression withered further. Slowly, as if afraid of startling a wounded animal, he stepped into the house and crouched down before Xie Lian, his worried gaze never leaving his face. Seeing his distress, Xie Lian’s chest was wrought with ache again, a new wave of tears threatening to burst out.
Wonderful. Now he had made Hua Cheng feel he was at fault for his messy state.
“Gege,” Hua Cheng started, voice barely above a whisper. “Your Highness…did this one do something to upset you?"
Xie Lian shook his head fervently. “N-no, not San Lang’s fault—”
“It was about something I said to the villagers, wasn’t it?”
“I, you…”
“Please tell me what’s bothering you, Your Highness, so that I can make it right.”
Xie Lian had everything intention to decline, yet he couldn’t seem to lie to Hua Cheng’s face, not when he was looking at him like this. Taking a few breaths and clenching a fist into the hem of his robes as an anchor, Xie Lian said with a shaky voice, “I guess I’m just…caught off guard? It’s the first time I heard San Lang has a special someone, and I’m happy for you—I mean it! I really am!” He held onto Hua Cheng’s gaze, hoping to convey his sincerity.
“B-But I also...I can’t help but think once that person knows how San Lang feels about them, San Lang would…He might not want to spare time for me after that…or he would leave without saying goodbye. I completely understand if you do though! San Lang is of course free to come and go as he pleases! It’s selfish and presumptuous of me to think you’d stay forever, and San Lang has already given me so much, and I—”
His breath caught in his throat when he caught on a succession of emotions that passed through Hua Cheng’s face—guilt, sadness, confusion, shock, and for a second, there was something akin to hope in his stormy eye. Xie Lian found himself entrapped to that. He yearned to learn the reasons behind every sentiment Hua Cheng was feeling at the moment.
“San Lang…? Um, have I said too much? I’ve been babbling, haven’t I? I’m sorry—” Xie Lian resumed, only to be interrupted by the unexpected cool touch of Hua Cheng’s palm placed gently over his hand still clenching onto his robe. Xie Lian was startled, but didn’t shy from the touch. If anything, he found it welcoming, and couldn’t help leaning toward it.
“Your Highness,” Xie Lian watched as Hua Cheng swallowed thickly, seemingly nervous and almost fearful by some reason. “Would you…may I ask you a question?”
“Un,” he nodded. “San Lang can ask me anything.”
“Could it be…I apologize if this offends Your Highness in any way, and Your Highness can tell me to leave if he wishes so…but,” Hua Cheng cleared his throat and croaked, “What if, that special someone I was talking about earlier…is, is Your Highness…?”
Xie Lian stared. It could have been a few seconds, or a whole incense of time. He couldn’t tell. He only snapped out of it when he felt Hua Cheng’s hand stiffened and started shaking slightly.
“Ah hahahaha…San Lang shouldn’t say something like this. I know you don’t mean to be mean, but this old god can’t handle more jokes…Not to mention, your beloved will probably get upset if they know you said this to someone else other than them.” He retracted his hand to gently pat the back of Hua Cheng’s hand—to comfort himself or the other, he wasn’t quite sure—only for the other to grasp it again in a tighter grip.
“But Your Highness, I am not joking at all. In fact, I’ve never been more serious in my mortal life and afterlife.”
This time, Xie Lian froze entirely. With unblinking eyes and bated breath, he waited for a “but” to come. For the hammer to drop. For the spell to break. Hua Cheng had to be making another joke, just like the other night.
It never came.
He searched Hua Cheng’s eyes for any hint of playfulness or falseness. There was none of those, only sincerity and a deeper shade of uncertainty as if Hua Cheng was the one waiting for rejection.
Heart still fluttering madly, Xie Lian stuttered out, “Y-You’re saying—I’m your—s-special person…?”
“It’s you, dianxia. It has always only been you.” Hua Cheng raised his free hand and touched Xie Lian’s face in the tenderest way, using his thumb to wipe away the wetness on his flushed cheek. Oh, when had he started crying again?
“But…how? Why…?”
“How could it be anyone else?” Hua Cheng’s smile was small, yet full of affection and admiration. “Taizi dianxia is virtuous and beautiful, noble and gracious. I’ve been in love with him ever since I was young. My dead heart sings when he so much as looks at me. My fallen soul rallies whenever he talks to me. It was because of him that I could carry on for so long and became who I am today. I’m still trying to win him over though, and I hope one day he will deign to return my feeling. Even if not, that he’d allow me to stay by his side to protect him.”
That was all it took for the dam to break. Tears ran down Xie Lian’s face freely as a swell of emotions swiveled within his chest.
“S-San—L-Lang, I—I—” He wanted to respond to Hua Cheng, to tell him how he felt, how much he adored him and wanted him to stay by his side forever too for so much more than keeping him safe. But words failed him and more tears spilled out and all he could do was clutching onto Hua Cheng’s hands. When Hua Cheng pulled him into his strong arms, Xie Lian all but melted into them and let his tears out.
“San L-Lang…”
“Shhh…it’s okay, gege. You don’t have to say anything. San Lang understands now.”
They spent a long while like that, Xie Lian crying his heart out with his face buried in Hua Cheng’s chest, a hand cradling the back of his head and the other rubbing soothing circles on his back. It wasn’t a sob stemmed from sorrow like it usually was for him—it was a good kind of cry. In fact, he hadn’t felt this happy and contented in the longest time.
At long last, his tears stopped and his brain went back up. Xie Lian pulled back just enough to gaze into Hua Cheng’s warm eye. This time it was him who raised his hand to cup Hua Cheng’s face, touching the spot just under the eye-patch. He longed to see what was hidden under it, but it was not the time yet. He would wait for however long for Hua Cheng to feel comfortable to reveal it himself.
Still, he couldn’t help but ask, “San Lang…I’ve said this before. I feel like you’re someone I’ve known for a long time. For decades—no, even centuries, but I don’t remember when I have ever met a character like you…Will you tell me who you are, really?”
“Does gege trust me?”
“I do,” he answered without missing a beat. “With my life.”
Hua Cheng sucked in a breath even though ghosts didn’t need to breathe, his eye widened in awe.
“Gege…” he whispered. “You really…will be the death of me.”
And before Xie Lian could respond, cool lips were pressed gently against his. It was unlike anything Xie Lian had ever experienced—warm, syrupy, euphoric, addicting. He found himself looping his arms around Hua Cheng’s neck and deepening the kiss, unwilling to let it come to an end.
Even when it finally ended because of the God’s need for air, their bodies were still pressed together, their foreheads touching as they continued to share the same breath.
“Tomorrow, I will tell you everything you want to know. I promise. For now, will gege indulge San Lang and give him one more kiss?”
“Un, as many as San Lang wishes.”