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“If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it shall be done for you."
Liar.
Drip Drip
There's something dripping and echoing throughout the room. Leaking.
The wet sound, consistent and repetitive, it calms you a bit.
Doesn't it?
Drip Drip
"Are you really going to react this way? I haven't even touched you . . . "
It's no use crying over it now. . .
But when am I going to be allowed to express my feelings? If ever?
Drip Drip
What happened this time? Was I bad again? I don't think so, not really.
"Everything happens for a reason . . . Maybe It's all part of His plan", "You need to find Him."
Mama said that bad things happen to bad people. Everything will work out in the end.
Drip Drip
It's true, everyone knows good people have good things happening to them.
If something happens, it will be at His will.
Why did you say that? I trusted you.
It hurt. Why did I have to suffer all by myself? Why is He more important than me? You are supposed to be on my side.
Drip Drip
Was I really that bad of a person? You said you loved me.
Do the bad things only happen to bad people?
Drip Drip
I tried to find Him. I really did.
You promised He'd protect me.
Drip Drip
I have a secret, mom.
Drip Drip
I asked him to kill you.
"I fucking hate people that kill themselves, they are so selfish! Why not donate their organs and then kill themselves at least?"
"I had it worse and I'm completely fine, you are just too damn sensitive"
"Don't you think I should be the one crying here?"
"What? Are you going to say you are upset? Should I give you something to cry about?"
"YOUR SORRY DOESN'T FIX ANYTHING!"
. . .
"I'm sorry I hit you that much, you just made me too angry. Don't you feel better now?"
"Why do you never tell me anything?"
"That never happened. You must have dreamed of it."
"Why do you never trust me?"
"I never did that. Are you feeling okay?"
"You need help"
Drip Drip
Maybe I am a bad person, maybe that's why he didn't answer when I begged him to make all of you go away.
"I don't want to! I'm scared!"
"Why are you hitting me?!"
"Stop shouting at me! What did I do?"
"Why are you are being so mean to me . . ."
"Stop touching me!"
"I said no . . ."
Drip Drip
At least he did take dad away . . .
I was happy about that.
I couldn't stand him hitting and screaming at me anymore.
Drip Drip
I don't really care if I die, I don't believe there's a place I'll be punished for trying to kill myself.
But I don't want to die yet . . .
Drip
I remember looking up and seeing Him against the wall, arms all spread and looking down on me.
He was there when I was being hit, when I was being called all those horrible things, when those people used me, when they . . .
He didn't do anything when I was begging for help. He either didn't want to or couldn't.
Either option means He's not what everyone thinks he is.
And still they won't open their eyes, they crave suffering and they all wept at his suffering.
What about mine? Are my tears not as valuable?
Even now, He won't stop me from pouring everywhere, I'm all over the place. Just like Him.
I wonder if He enjoys the show or if He truly doesn't care at all . . .
I don't believe in god anymore. And I thought I hated him.
he never did anything for me.
he was there hanging from the wall all the time, and he never did anything to help me.
he won't do anything for us.
D r i p
Or maybe he does. Since I'm still here, despite everything.
he doesn't help me, but he won't let me rest.
Maybe he's the one who hates me and no the other way around.