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The door closing, for Eddie, felt like being shot with a large caliber round all over again, the sound of the latch clicking sending a wave of hurt through his chest. He didn't know that watching his son leave him would bring this much of a physical pain; he didn't know how he would keep on living like this, for however long Chris stayed away.
All of a sudden, he felt a hand on his shoulder. Eddie had completely forgotten about Buck's presence. Eddie didn't react. He couldn't.
Buck's hand squeezed his shoulder. At that, Eddie couldn't keep it in any longer.
Turning back towards Buck, Eddie felt a tear slip down his cheek. "Buck..."
"Eddie, I'm here." Buck opened up his arms, pulling Eddie in. Eddie wrapped his arms around Buck, trying to hold Buck as close as he possibly could.
"I don't know what I'm doing... Buck, stay, please," Eddie begged, looking directly at the floor. He could imagine the sound of Christopher's crutches tapping around the house, something he wouldn't be hearing for the foreseeable future.
"Always, Eddie."
Eddie gripped the back of Buck's shirt, crying softly.
"Eddie, will you tell me what the purpose of seeing this woman was? I just want to understand." Helena Diaz looked her son in the eyes, her hand resting on his. The two of them were sitting at the dining table, Christopher asleep in his room, Ramon picking up a few groceries, Buck at his loft.
Eddie shook his head. "I don't know, mom. I don't know what I was thinking." Helena rubbed his hand with her thumb. "I guess I was just blinded by her appearance, you know? She... she just looked so much like..."
"I know you miss her. I understand. It's just... she's not Shannon. No matter how much you wanted her to be."
Eddie looked away.
"Baby, I want you to be happy. I know you miss Shannon, and I know you don't want to let Chris go, but it's what's best for him. He needs some time to deal with his grief on his own, and so do you." The expression on Helena's face was one of sympathy.
"I don't know if I can be on my own," Eddie's voice broke, his eyes burning.
"Oh, honey." She stood up to hold her son close to her. "You are strong. You can make it through this. I know you can." Helena held Eddie's shoulder's, forcing him to meet her eyes. She smiled. "Plus, you have Buck."
"I– ...Yeah."
"...We can talk later.... ...Tommy, l have to go." Eddie listened as Buck sighed and hung up his phone.
Eddie sat on the couch, looking up when Buck walked into the room holding two steaming mugs. He handed one to Eddie.
"Thanks." Eddie attempted a smile. He took a sip, burning his tongue on the hot tea.
"Are you feeling a little better?" Buck asked.
"Not really."
Buck offered a small smile. "Well, I'm here for whatever you need."
"Thank you."
The two of them sat together on the couch. Buck turned on a brainless show and they relaxed together long into the night, keeping both of their minds off the events of the day.
While Eddie couldn't be more awake, Buck was steadily dozing off. Eddie let his eyes drift over to his best friend. The sight of Buck so relaxed made Eddie feel slightly better. He turned back to the show, some celebrity was renovating a mansion, or something like that; Eddie wasn't sure exactly what was going on.
All of a sudden, Eddie drew in a quick breath when he felt the weight of Buck's head on his shoulder. He turned off the show, and for a moment, Eddie savored the situation. The feeling of closeness to Buck warmed him, although he knew he should probably go to sleep soon, too. After a few minutes, Eddie gently nudged Buck to wake him.
"Hm?" Buck said. "Sorry, did I fall asleep?" He sat up and rubbed his eyes.
"It's okay," Eddie said. "I was just going to head to bed..."
"Alright. I'll see you in the morning." Buck paused. "Eddie, you know, everything is gonna be okay. I know it will." Buck stood up to get a pillow and a blanket for the couch, but Eddie reached out and grabbed Buck's wrist.
"Wait." Eddie didn't know what he was doing. He was running completely on instinct at this point.
Buck stopped, meeting Eddie's eyes.
"What's up?" Buck asked, fully awake at that point. "Are you okay?"
"I... uh, you-you don't have to sleep on the couch... if you don't want to."
"What do you mean? Do you want me to go back to the loft?"
"No! I mean, uh, you could sleep in the bed. With me." Eddie didn't know why he felt so nervous; this was his best friend, someone with whom he had spent a considerable amount of time with over the past six years, someone whom he trusted completely, with himself and with his son.
"You want me to sleep in the bed?"
"Will you? Buck, I don't want to be alone." Eddie looked away, eyes stinging.
"Of course, Eddie, I want to be here for you. I'll always be here for you." Buck squeezed Eddie's bicep and smiled. "Let's go to bed, then."
They headed towards Eddie's room, Buck going to get his toothbrush from its place in the bathroom. While Buck was out of the room, Eddie slipped into some sweatpants and an old t-shirt, getting some clothes out for Buck to sleep in, incidentally Buck's own clothes that had been left there on another visit to the house.
Once Buck was done brushing his teeth, they traded spots, Eddie brushing his teeth while Buck changed.
"How are you feeling now?" Buck asked when Eddie came back into the room.
"I'm feeling better, I guess. As better as I can feel."
"That's good." Buck sat down on the bed. "I'm gonna miss him too. He really is special."
"Yeah."
Eddie got in his bed next to his best friend, turning off the lamp and quickly falling asleep. He had a restless and dreamless sleep.
The sound of his phone ringing woke Eddie up. He rubbed his hand over his face, blindly reaching over to pick up his phone. Suddenly, he remembered that Buck was sleeping next to him. Not wanting to wake his friend up, Eddie left his bedroom with the phone, finally answering the call.
"Hi, sweetheart," Eddie's mother said. "Did I wake you up? How are you this morning?"
He cleared his throat. "Um, no, I'm–I'm okay."
"Yeah? I'm glad to hear that. I just wanted to let you know that we're all here safe." The smile in Helena's voice was evident.
"Thanks."
"Do you have work at the station today?" she asked.
"Yeah, not until la–" Eddie held his phone away from his ear as Buck walked out of the bedroom, hair messy and endearing. "Hey. It's my mom," Eddie whispered. Buck replied with a thumbs up, heading to the bathroom. "Sorry, uh... oh, right, uh, I'm not on shift until later."
Helena stayed silent for a moment. "Is someone there?"
"Y-yeah. It's, uh, Buck," Eddie said.
"He spent the night?"
"Yeah."
"Ah, I see. I'll let you go and get your day started. You can call me anytime. I'll try to get Christopher on the phone with you, but no promises. Tell Buck I say hi. I love you," Helena said.
"I love you, too. I'll talk to you later."
Eddie hung up his phone. He walked into the kitchen, where Buck was already getting coffee started.
"Good morning," Buck said. "How do you feel?"
"I'm fine. Mom says Chris is good. I just still can't believe he left," Eddie muttered.
"I know." Buck put his hand on Eddie's shoulder, squeezing gently. "He just needs some space to heal. You do too." Eddie rested his hand on Buck's arm.
They stood there. Eddie let out a shuddering breath. "Thanks for staying."
"I'll always stay. I'm here for you."
Eddie looked into Buck's eyes. "Thank you."
After their shift, Eddie and Buck walked out of the station towards Eddie's truck. The shift had really helped keep Eddie's mind off of the situation, but now that it was over, the thoughts were filling up his head once again. They got into the truck together, Eddie sighing. "Are you ready to go home?" he asked.
Buck looked over to him, saying, "Oh, I thought– I thought you wanted me to stay?"
Eddie's voice stuck in his throat. "Uh, sorry, I meant... my house."
"Right, right." Buck smiled. "Yeah, let's go home."
Unlocking the door, Eddie let Buck in. Buck immediately set his things down and headed for the kitchen. Buck said, "You should relax, I'll get dinner started."
"Okay," Eddie said, smiling.
Eddie honestly did not know what he would do without Buck. Without someone who would take care of him, of his son. Someone who loved him.
All of a sudden, it clicked.
The way Eddie felt when Buck was around was so significantly different than how he had felt with Ana, with Marisol, hell, even with Shannon. With Buck, he felt complete in a way none of those women had made him feel. Not even his wife.
Oh, God. This was more realizing than Eddie wanted to be doing at the moment.
Trying to put the thought out of his mind, he went to his bedroom to change into more comfortable clothes.
In his room, he sat on his bed gazing at the framed photo of him and Shannon on the beach. He had loved her, right? Yeah, he had loved her.
Did he love Buck? Yeah, he loved Buck.
Was that a life-changing realization? Yeah, a bit. Eddie didn't fully know how to feel about it.
He had been sitting on his bed for who knows how long when Buck stood in the doorway telling him that dinner was ready.
With a start, Eddie looked up at him, a newfound feeling making itself known within him. Shakily, he stood up and followed Buck to the dining room.
"Okay, I hope you like it. I didn't want to make anything too crazy tonight; I just wanted to get something made, you know? So, uh, enjoy," Buck said.
"Thank you."
Another realization Eddie was beginning to have was just how many times he had thanked Buck in the past few days. Buck was such an overarching presence in Eddie's life, and it was a little bit scary to suddenly feel like it was all changing. Eddie had never before considered that he might not be as attracted to women as he had previously thought. That was scary in and of itself, but the idea that he had been in love with Buck for however long it had been was even scarier. And now he had to pretend that everything was normal and that his world hadn't just been turned on its head.
Sitting down at the table, Eddie smiled at his friend.
"You good?" Buck asked yet again.
"I'm good."