Work Text:
There was never a place I really fitted in
Since I have memory, I was always left alone.
my parents, my friends, my siblings. Everyone was never really interested in me
so, when I was fifteen, I left everyone behind.
I focused on being the best
Maybe that way God would notice me and wouldn't leave me for myself like everyone else did.
And I was right.
They were there for me, my mentor, the only one I could trust.
I promised myself that I would never let them down
Yet, there were times I felt so suffocated.
Since I became a nun, I started hearing the most horrific things.
How was I supposed to keep things like that a secret?
Why would God forgive that kind of confessions?
Yet, I kept my mouth shut.
If God was able to forgive things like that, then I should as well.
And now, I feel like that was a mistake.
Since the first time you came here, I felt my heart warm up.
We weren't that different after all.
Both of us wanted to be appreciated, heard and loved
three things that God could give us.
That they could give to you.
But why was I the one that wanted to give you that?
It was wrong, so wrong I started to hate you.
I hated your smile
I hated how your eyes brought warmth to my chest like I never felt before
I hated how your hair shone under the church windows every time you prayed
I hated how you were as close to them as me
And how hard you tried to be near me and be my friend.
No matter how hard I pushed you away
treated you with coldness
or even be mean
you were always there
why?
It didn't make sense
you didn't make any sense to me.
Neither did my feelings.
It was in that night of May
that fateful night that all I ever promised to myself was shattered to pieces.
I couldn't sleep
and I guess you couldn't as well
we were alone
the only light that illuminated the small room was the one of the moon
and then you said it.
“I'm in love with you”
Why did you have to say it?
Even as a confession, whether of love or sin
Why would someone like you love me?
Why was I feeling like this?
Why was my heart beating so fast?
It was all your fault.
You were the one that made me sin
and yet I couldn't despise you for it.
No, I despised myself.
I still remember the next morning after our encounter.
That was the first time in a long time I had told God something
and also the first time I wish I never did.
Next I knew you were gone.
The smell of fire
the sound of people yelling
I couldn’t understand what was happening
I couldn’t understand why they did this to you.
And neither could I understand the tears falling down my cheeks.
It had been years since I had last cried.
This was my fault, wasn’t it?
Was this God’s punishment for our sin?
That doesn’t matter anymore
The smoke around me is blinding me
I can hear the sound of the old walls of this church cracking
the smell of burnt wood around me is disgusting.
And yet, I can only think of you.
My dear, Nyra.
I hope that, if God allows us, we can be together in another life.
…