Chapter Text
Jackie POV.
I turn my phone on, afraid of what I would see but knowing I have to face the music. Danny, Uncle Richard and I arrived in New York city early this afternoon, and they both have already turned in for the night. My phone screen lights up and I have several texts and sixteen missed calls from Alex, and a single text from Cole. I also have a text from Katherine as well. I decide to start with that.
Katherine: Whatever happened with you and the boys, we want you to know that it doesn’t change how much George and I love you. It will be okay, give me a call when you're settled in.
Tears sting my eyes. I don’t deserve them. They took me in under horrible circumstances and this is what I do to their family. I tore it apart. Then ran away too afraid to face the aftermath. I finally break down, I sob into my pillow curling into a ball holding my phone to my chest. I sob because I want to talk to Lucy about this, to my mom, I want a big enveloping hug from my dad. I sob for Alex and the heartbreak I’m going to and probably already have caused him, for the inevitable loss of my friendship with him. I bawl for Cole and the confused feelings surrounding our tenuous relationship. I cry for the guilt I feel over allowing myself to care for the boys so much that it takes any of my emotional energy away from missing my family. I shed all my tears for my family, and the new family I feel like I lost with my poor decisions. After several body wrenching sobs I eventually just lay there shaking.
Alex’s crushed face after I didn’t say I love you back flashes behind my closed eyelids. I couldn’t say it back because I knew I didn’t mean it. The kiss with Cole only further emphasized it, but Alex was, no is, the safe choice. He’s comfortable. Yet, my body doesn’t tingle when he looks at me, and sure kissing him is nice but it doesn’t light my entire being on fire. I didn’t even know that could happen until last night. Suddenly Alex’s face is replaced with his older brother's intense gaze after he pulled away from our kiss.
“Jackie we can’t do this, Alex will never forgive us.” his words echo as if he’s still in the room whispering them again. I wonder if Cole told him, or if Alex figured it out on his own. I groan. I really made a mess of my life with the Walter boys.
I wake up the next morning with my phone still in my hand, I never changed into pajamas, my head pounding nearly as badly as the day after I got drunk on Lucy’s birthday. An emotional hangover I suppose. A light knock on the door forces me to sit up massaging my temples.
“Hey Jackie, any chance we could talk.” Danny is standing in my door frame with two steaming mugs of coffee in his hands.
“As long as one of those is for me.” He nods and moves into the room taking a seat on the end of my bed. I take one of the mugs gratefully but I can’t seem to make myself meet his eyes.
“Cole called.” He starts. I set the mug down and rest my head in my hands hiding my shame. “He gave me the cliff notes of what happened after you left our room.” I peek at Danny between my fingers. He sips his coffee patiently but doesn’t seem to be angry.
“I don’t know what I was thinking, Danny.” I groan.
“I don’t want to make any assumptions but maybe that’s just it, maybe you finally stopped thinking so much and just let yourself feel.” I remove my hands searching Danny’s face for any sign of negative emotion but there’s only what I might call affection with a touch of sympathy.
“What do you mean?”
“Anyone with two functioning eyes can see you and Cole share something special, Cole and I don’t have a lot in common but he’s still my twin and we share a lot with each other. I’m usually the only person that he lets see past the facade he wears to protect himself, then you showed up and saw right through him. It scared the hell out of him. I might be over stepping but it seems like he understands you better then any of the rest of us. So, you tell me Jackie, why did you choose Alex?” Danny asks, crossing his lengthy legs getting more comfortable.
“Come on, are you serious?” I say with a little laugh, when he only raises his eyebrows I sigh I guess we're having this conversation. “I think we can both agree Cole isn’t exactly the definition of stability and after everything that happened Alex was…” I hesitate trying to find the right words.
“Safe?” Danny offers. My shoulders slump because I know he’s correct. Alex was the safe choice, he was consistent and grounded, the opposite of Cole’s wild and dangerous.
“I didn’t mean for everyone to get hurt.” I whisper, last night’s tears threaten to make a reappearance.
“I know Jackie, but running away and avoiding it all together isn’t going to make things any better. They’re not perfect but they’re my brothers and they at least deserve a conversation.”
“Alex told me he loved me yesterday.” I admit. Danny lets out a breath. “I didn’t say it back.”
We sit in silence for a while, it’s not uncomfortable, both of us apparently lost in thought at my confession. After a few moments Danny finishes his cup of coffee standing up.
“Whatever you decide to do, you should at least talk to him.”
It isn’t until after he leaves that I realize he never specified who but I immediately assumed I needed to call Cole.