Chapter Text
It was a fairly average day at the penthouse of Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated. Heinz Doofenshmirtz was traumadumping to a platypus, as usual, the sun was shining through the skylight onto the vaguely purple concrete, as usual, and there was a large clunky ray-gun-looking thing being pointed at Agent Perry himself... again, as usual.
The platypus wasn't dodging, instead staring straight at the mad scientist as if to say “Well? Isn't this the part where you explain what this thing does?”
So he did, naturally. He straightened his posture only to hunch right back over, grinning his comical grin and watching as Perry buckled down for the next blast of information. And also the blast of the whatever-this-was-inator. Dr. Doof had been quite vague about what it was, but of course, that was about to change.
“You see, Perry the Platypus, I've always wondered what you'd look like as a human. And then, maybe, we could sit down for a chat. I got to say, it's been nice catching up with you.”
Perry had, in fact, been invited over - through OWCA, no less. He hadn't been retired, but since Doctor Doofenshmirtz got a job as a college professor, it had certainly felt like it. So of course Perry came, just once, for old times' sake.
“And so, here, I unveil my latest creation-”
Here it comes.
“THE HUMANIZINATOR!" Heinz shouted triumphantly, whipping off the white canvas that concealed what Perry THOUGHT would be another ray gun style contraption - it was very much not.
It really looked more like a freestanding elevator, a glass chamber with a metal control panel embedded in the outside along with a screen, presumably for diagnostics.
Perry clapped drily, putting his tiny little platypus paws together with just a hint of faint amusement.
”What do you think, Perry? You want to give it a try?“
Cue one blue, furry eyebrow raise, then, after a bit, a shrug.
”Oh! Perry the platypus! Before I forget. You have to take off your hat for this, I don't want you coming out the other side half hat. Don't worry, I bought you a human sized hat beforehand.“
Perry gave a sigh of relief, handing his hat off to Doofenshmirtz as he walked past him into the chamber.
Heinz gave him a thumbs up in return, hand hovering over the big red button that would make everything happen. He always did like big red buttons, Perry thought, looking back on his time with the man and snickering faintly.
”You're ready, right, Perry the platypus?“
A teeth-chatter of assent was audible, but the platypus wasn't visible, just because of his position fully behind the metal cabinet-style control panel, and the fact that he was for the moment still a platypus.
That changed in an admittedly very painful flash.
Chapter Text
Perry had been through some awful things, having been an animal spy, and this was on par with the worst of them. What, you think transforming into a human from a platypus body isn't going to be painful? Think again.
It was an ugly, ugly shriek, one that made Heinz blanch to the color of his namesake's mayonnaise, to say nothing of covering his eyes and pulling an impressive wincing grimace.
”Oh, oh goodness. Oh, shit.“ Heinz's voice was fairly weakened, faint, a little quavery. Comically so, as per his usual.
Perry heard a faint retching noise. He wasn't sure whether he made it or Doofenshmirtz did - quite possibly both of them - but he couldn't blame anyone either way.
It appeared to have been both of them, from the fact that Perry's mouth was still slightly ajar, heavy breaths making his wide, dark chest rise and fall fast.
Doofenshmirtz turns back to Perry after a little bit, beginning to stare at the platypus-turned-human with increasing triumph. ”Perry the platypus, it WORKED!! IT REALLY WORKED!“ He snickered, sounding still quite evil though he hadn't really had it in his sights to destroy or otherwise inconvenience the tri-state area for several years now. ”Wow, you're huge.“
Perry chuckled weakly, supporting himself against the glass, leaning back. He was, in fact, now quite massive a man - he'd been disproportionately strong as a platypus, so it stood to reason he'd be the same as a human, looking like he’d stand easily almost over six feet tall if he were to stand up, and wide as hell too. His head fell back against the glass, making a muffled thonk. Doofenshmirtz was still rambling, as he was apt to do, and Perry hadn't really stopped listening even though he was in fact very much in pain.
“Of course you still have blue hair, I figured you'd do that - I used an aboriginal gene base for you, did you know that, Perry the platy- plat… human? Well, I just thought it would be appropriate, seeing your species came from Australia, and you know, native animal, native people, it just seemed right, you know.“
The former platypus nodded, crossing his arms over each other and clicking his tongue twice in a manner highly reminiscent of the form he'd just vacated.
Heinz picked up on that immediately.
”Oh my god what if I just made the biggest mistake of my life. Perry the platypus, platypus, not really supposed to be as intelligent as I thought you were - what if you were just really really well trained? Of course, I was raised by ocelots, so I can't really say anything on the matter.“
Right on cue, Perry's eyes glazed over, dark vaguely bluish irises staring off in two different directions, the effect completed with his signature “grgrgrgrgrgrgr”.
“Oooohhh SHIT-” Heinz's voice grew about eight times whinier, approximately, as well as raising an octave in panic, before Perry snapped back to a far more human expression, that is to say, the crinkled eyes and wide beam common to a human laugh. It was booming, deep, and showed Heinz that he'd effectively been suckered.
“Aw, fuck you, Perry the platypus.”
Notes:
Hope y'all like this as much as I do >:]