Chapter Text
We sit like this for a while. Serizawa on one end of the couch and me on the other. Mob is lying between us. His head resting on my thigh. There’s a movie on. Even though me and Serizawa have been staring at the screen in silence this whole time, I can’t really see or hear anything.
I’ve been stroking Mob’s hair to calm him down but now I slowly stopped because I noticed his breathing became slightly louder and steady. His grip on my knee became weak. Mob fell asleep. I don’t want to wake him up.
As soon as Serizawa noticed my hand stopped moving he looked over to Mob, where my hand was still gently placed on his head, and then up to me. He gave me a small smile. There was a tiny bit of worry in it. But it was still warm.
I’m starting to get uncomfortable. Not because Mob is too heavy, but I couldn’t move for a while now and I’m feeling very exhausted. My knee is wet from Mob’s tears. Or drool. He fell asleep with his mouth slightly open.
Mob’s pose also doesn’t look too comfortable. My couch isn’t really made for more than two people, especially if one of them is lying down. Well you can’t even call this lying down, Mob is curled up between us. I don’t want him to ruin his posture. Maybe it’s time for us to go to sleep properly. I’m starting to get very sleepy myself. I have been tired for the whole day but now I’m really struggling to just keep my eyes open. Serizawa is still wide awake. Or it seems like it. They are both night owls, but Serizawa usually stays up a bit longer than me. When we watch movies together late at night, I’m most likely to fall asleep first. One time, I don’t know if this really happened because it’s all so blurry and I was half-asleep, I felt a warm hand around my waist and a stubbly face resting on my shoulder. Slowly nuzzling. Soft hair tickling my cheek. I don’t know. Could have been a dream. The most beautiful one I’ve ever had.
I get up slowly while trying to lift Mob up with me at the same time. Serizawa helps a little so the blanket doesn’t get tangled up and is still neatly wrapped around Mob. I have him in my arms now. I find myself throwing him a tiny bit up right before catching him again and hold him tight, just to make sure I’m really fully having him in my arms, so I can carry Mob around safely. I hate thinking about this so much but… Mob is so… light. It makes my heart feel heavy.
Serizawa usually sleeps on the couch. I offered him to sleep in my bed multiple times before. Because when I was living on my own, I fell asleep on the couch quite often. And most of the time I wouldn’t even bother to get up so I just stayed there and slept on the couch, so I’m used to it. But most of the time Serizawa stays up longer than me and he’s still sitting there finishing the movie we started. Or playing a game. We brought his old console from home here, so sometimes he’s also playing a video game. I love watching him. Sometimes he would also tell me useless facts about the game he’s playing. I think it’s cute… And yeah I usually get sleepy way earlier than Serizawa so I tell him Good Night and head to my bedroom, and he falls asleep on the couch later. We are both fine with that. I think…
Right now it’s the same as every other night. But this time I’m holding Mob in my arms.
“Good Night.” I mouth very quietly. There’s little to no sound coming from me. I don’t want to be too loud right next to Mob’s ear. But Serizawa understood me. He nodded sweetly while blinking slowly.
I lay Mob down on the mattress as gentle and soft as possible. He woke up though. Or at least a tiny bit. Mob is looking at me with half lidded eyes. But he isn’t saying anything, just taking a very deep breath, and while trying to exhale a sudden cough escapes his mouth. Is he getting sick? He also looked so pale this evening…
We haven’t changed clothes or brushed our teeth yet. But Mob seems to be so weak right now. I don’t want to make him get up again. I just want to let him sleep… But I’m still getting myself ready for bed. When I come back from the bathroom I brought a glass of water for Mob. I’m about to place it on the bedside table but I catch Mob weakly stretching his arm out. When I give it to him I get the shock of my life. Mob brushed my hand while taking the glass in his. The water was already cold. But Mob’s hands were even colder…
Mob has to sit himself upright to drink properly and it pains me to see how he struggles to do so. He took a few big gulps before handing it back to me. Mob can’t reach the table from the side he’s sleeping on. He’s quick to collapse down on the bed again. I lay myself next to him and grab the bedsheets from the foot of the bed. Mob is still wrapped in the thin blanket Serizawa put around him earlier. But I can tell he is freezing. Mob’s body is shivering. He’s curled up and is hugging himself to try and make it stop. I put the bedsheets over both of us. And hug him. Tightly. After a while I take his hands and wrap mine around his and squeeze lightly. Then I breathe warm air onto them and place a small kiss there before squeezing again. I have no idea what I’m doing Mob but I hope it helps at least a little… Before I can do it again, Mob frees his hands. But not forcefully. Then he places them on my chest and grabs my shirt to pull himself closer. Now his forehead is against my heart. He nuzzled a bit against me in a repetitive and slow motion. His movement is broken by a loud hiccup followed by tiny sobs. He’s crying into me, against my shirt. It’s getting soggy from snot and tears. But I let him.
I put my arms around him again.
“It’s alright.” What is alright? “It’s okay… Mob.” Nothing is okay.
I don’t know what else to do but rub his back a little.
“Ssshh…” I press a kiss to his forehead.
Sleep well my child…
I wake up.
It’s dark. But not pitch-black. I can make out some shapes in the room. I’m searching for anything familiar but then I finally realise that I’m not at home in my own bed. Ah, yes. I went to Reigen Shishou’s place yesterday, because… Mh. It’s hard to form the thought.
I can’t see Shishou’s face he’s lying on his side facing the opposite way.
I want to get up but I don’t want Shishou to notice. I don’t want to be perceived. So I listen carefully. I want to know if he’s awake. I wish I could just disappear completely. But he seems to be asleep. I can hear silent and slow but deep breathing.
I move carefully making sure the bed doesn’t creak and the sheets don’t rustle. I’m able to get off the mattress and then I move around the bed towards the bedside table. I notice the glass of water is still almost half full. But I take it with me anyway.
I walk through the living room towards the kitchen. Serizawa is asleep on the couch. He snores a little. The TV is still on. The mixture of sounds harms me a lot. Every step is painful but I need to move slow. I don’t want to wake Serizawa up either.
I made my way across the living room and enter the kitchen. Instead of filling up the glass of water, I brought with me, I just place it next to the sink. The door to the bathroom is right next to the bedroom, I could have just got water from there. I don’t know why I’m here. Yeah I do. Maybe I’m sleepwalking. That’s ridiculous. I move my hand along the kitchen counter. I can’t see very well. The moon shining in through the small window is my only light source. My fingers are looking for something. What could it be? I know exactly what. Oh I hope they find it. I feel a round knob and I gently pull. There’s a slight rattle. I’m very careful to make little to no sound. It takes a long time. When the drawer is finally open enough to reach inside, it feels like half an hour has already passed. The cold metal against my hand feels weirdly comforting.
Reigen Shishou’s voice appears in my mind.
“Depending on how we use our powers, they can also be deadly weapons.”
“They are like knives.”
“And what are you not supposed to do with knives?”
I hear my own voice but it sounds off.
“Point them at people.”
…
And yet I’m standing here.
When I wake up Mob is facing the wall. I’m not sure if he’s still sleeping but if he is I want to let him sleep some more. As long as he needs. I sit down on the edge of the bed and stretch myself. I stay there for a little while before getting up and heading towards the door. Before I leave the room I quickly look over to Mob again. From here I can see one of his hands has a tight grip on his other arm. I’m not sure if it’s possible to fall asleep like this. He’s probably awake. I should let him rest some more though. He deserves it.
When I enter the living room, I stretch myself again and yawn. “Good Morning, Serizawaaa.” I can’t see very well. My eyes are still sleepy but when I rub them I see more clearly and I’m surprised. Serizawa already changed and is not wearing his pajamas anymore. We usually keep them on for longer in the morning. Especially since it’s weekend.
“Ah, Reigen. Hope you slept well.” Serizawa is standing in the middle of the living room with a bag in his hand. I think he was about to leave. “I found this on the kitchen counter.” He reached inside his pocket to show me a crumpled cup lid with a messy handwriting on it. “I wanted to go buy everything before Shigeo wakes up. So we can have a nice breakfast together.”
“Aw yes of course!! That’s a fantastic idea. Hold on lemme get ready. I just need to-“
I was already walking around the room. As if I was looking for certain things. Instead of considering I might need to change first.
“No, Reigen it’s okay. I can do it. On my own I mean.”
“Are you sure?” I ask. It sounded a bit rude. Almost like I was doubting him. But I really didn’t mean it like that. I just noticed Serizawa still has a lot of trouble in crowded environments or simply going outside. And the supermarket can be a pretty overwhelming place sometimes.
“Please stay with Shigeo.” He sounded both worried and demanding at the same time. It surprised me.
“Oh. Okay.”
“He trusts you a lot.” Serizawa is looking me directly in the eyes, slightly smiling. Now he sounds softer. There’s this warm feeling again. “Do you know that?”
Yes I know that but I don’t really get why. I mean I’m just…
“It can be really hard to ask for help sometimes.” He’s scratching the back of his head nervously. “Even from the people that are close to you.” Now he’s looking at the ground.
I don’t know how to respond to that. It’s silent for a while.
“Oh I think I forgot to write that down but could you get some milk too? It’s Mob’s favorite drink.”
“That’s so caring of you.” Serizawa was already standing in front of me but he stepped a bit closer and kissed me on the lips. “You’re truly amazing, Arataka.” By the time I was able to process what had happened Serizawa was already out the door.
I find myself just standing in the middle of my own living room awkwardly for a while.
I don’t even know what caught me more off guard. The kiss or hearing my first name.
I wake up. Again. This time Reigen Shishou isn’t lying next to me anymore. Light from outside is shining into the room. My head hurts. So heavy. I can feel I slept for a long time. Too long. I can’t get up because there’s a force keeping me bound to bed. Me. I don’t want to get up. Maybe sleep a bit more. To pass some time. Wasting time. But I can’t sleep anymore. It’s exhausting. I don’t want to be here anymore. Only here? Decisions. Maybe I’ll die soon.
…
The smell of food and the voices of my loved ones are snapping me back to reality. One breeds fear the other comfort. Can they exist together? It’s my wish. My last hope.
Me and Serizawa are preparing breakfast together. We always do. It’s such a simple task but those are the ones I often struggle with the most. But when we do it together it’s so light and easy. Yeah, almost fun.
When Serizawa came back from grocery shopping I saw he bought a lot of fresh ingredients and we came up with the idea that we could make some pancakes with them. We prepared the batter together. Right now I’m holding the pan while moving it around a little. Waiting to flip the first pancake soon. Serizawa is brewing some fresh coffee. He walks over to me while he’s waiting for the coffee machine to be finished.
I feel strong arms wrap around me from behind. It’s a bit chilly here because I opened the window to let fresh air inside. But Serizawa is so warm. His head is lightly resting on my shoulder. All I want is to fall into his touch right now and melt into him completely.
“I love you…” I say.
It came out so quiet. Almost like a whisper. I don’t know if Serizawa even heard it. But before I could overthink that too much, we heard slow footsteps approaching. They sounded very dragging but also soft. Mob joined us in the kitchen.
“Good Morning, Shigeo.” Serizawa gently let go of me to walk over to Mob. He rubbed his upper arm slightly. Mob smiled at that. It makes my heart feel light.
I leave the pancakes alone for a moment to greet him as well. My hand ruffles his hair. “Hope you’re feeling alright, Mob.” I say with my typical Reigen Arataka smile, I also use when trying to be appealing to my customers. I’m not so good at comfort.
Suddenly I get the thought that Mob might have felt embarrassed about his behaviour recently and being so emotional all of a sudden. But I think it’s me who still feels a bit embarrassed about last night. But not because of Mob. No not at all. More because of my comfort attempt. I don’t really know if that was even helpful. I don’t know if I can be of great help when it comes to Mob’s struggles that I’m not even familiar with. But I want to try. I have to try. I want to be there for him. I want to be… useful.
“Um… Shishou?” Mob stares with wide eyes and points behind me.
“Huh.” I turn around. And if the burnt smell wasn’t already enough to notice, the amount of smoke said it all.
Serizawa was already on his feet trying to help.
But I push him back down on the chair he was sitting on.
“No!! I got it don’t worry.” Reigen Arataka. Greatest Psychic of the 21st century. Who am I, if I lose to some pancakes?
Mob and Serizawa sit down while I try to make us some good pancakes after my first failed attempt. But if you don’t distract me and let me do my stuff, I can actually be super focused and achieve great things. Yeah… I’m not half bad actually.
They both get along really well, as if they’ve known each other for years. Mob and Serizawa I mean. I can hear them having a conversation. The way Mob talks. It sounds like the words are smiling. And I also heard Mob weakly laugh one time. It makes me incredibly happy. Seeing Mob being so comfortable in our presence.
While making sure to pour the appropriate amount of batter into the pan. I notice Serizawa standing next to me to get the milk, we bought for Mob earlier, from the fridge. “Do you want a glass of milk, Shigeo?” He asks. Not really expecting a no but just out of politeness. “No, thank you.” Mob says. It was a bit hesitantly. As if he felt pressured to explain himself he quickly adds. “I think this is mine.” And points over to the sink, where an almost empty glass of water was resting. Serizawa went and picked it up. Filling it with fresh water from the tab, before giving it to him. “Are you sure you don’t want anything else?” Serizawa seems sceptical. As if he knows something is up. “Yes, don’t worry about me.”
Why would he say that… Now I’m even more worried…
The pancakes are done. And they are looking decent too. I hope they also taste as good as they look. But one final touch is still missing.
I put all three plates down. First mine and Serizawa’s. Then I’m getting Mob’s. When I place it in front of him. A frog is looking at him. Not a real one. I cut the pancake to have the shape of a frog. And then I added strawberries to give him a silly face.
“What do you think, Mob? Pretty creative, huh?”
“Thank you so much, Shishou.” Mob’s eyes shine. And for one moment I feel like the world is okay.
…
Serizawa and me already finished eating our breakfast. But Mob…
He’s picking at the pancake. Almost destroying it. It seems like the pancake is slowly disappearing. Even though Mob is eating very little to nothing of it.
I noticed he ate all of the strawberries that were on his plate though. Maybe that is one of his 'safe foods'. Is that what you call it? Maybe I should ask him about it… Is that an okay thing to do? No it feels wrong.
I mean we still have lots. “Hey Serizawa, could you give me some more of the strawberries?” He’s standing next to the fridge right now because he was about to pour himself another cup of coffee. He places the whole pack of strawberries on the table. I take my small knife to cut off the greens.
Mob stopped poking the pancake now but it also doesn’t seem like he would continue eating any of it. His cutlery is neatly placed on the table now as if he was finished. While grabbing a strawberry I catch Mob glancing towards the package but when I want to look at him a moment later. He looks down. Not even on his plate. Mob is looking at the ground, curling his feet around each other, both his hands resting on his lap, holding his own hand, while fidgeting with his thumb.
I suddenly get a heavy feeling in my chest. From a memory I didn’t even know I had until now. Mob was sitting here before. With me. I think it was over three years ago.
When I started the Spirits and Such Business, even with Mob by my side, there weren’t always that many clients daily. Sometimes we would have a busy day. But other times there would only be one or maybe two. Or even no clients at all.
Usually Mob would visit my office directly after school. At that time he wasn’t even part of any club yet. I can’t really remember if it was because a client had cancelled their appointment or if there wasn’t any in the first place. But I do remember I had to call Mob on his phone, the one he only has because I gave it to him, and tell him there was no need to visit my office today.
On that day I was at home alone. I didn’t feel bored. No not at all. There’s always so much to do. But I didn’t feel like doing anything. I was lying on my couch for a long time feeling both paralysed and overwhelmed. Even though I seem happy when I’m talking to clients, working is really not my favorite thing to do, far from it actually. But when I get home I’m also not happy. For the first time I actively realised how miserable I was actually doing. I was feeling… lonely.
Mob didn’t have to do this but on that day he came to visit me here. At my home.
I’m never going to forget what Mob said to me that day.
Mob told me he… missed me.
I wasn’t really prepared for having any visitors that day. So I didn’t have much to offer. But I found a box of chocolate cookies that I had already opened. And a bottle of milk. I put both on the table. Mob was so tiny back then, he wasn’t even able to open the bottle himself. I gladly helped. Even by doing this simple thing for Mob, it made me feel like I’m not just a pathetic loser who isn’t capable of anything. Mob couldn’t even wait. He was really excited and jumped a bit in his seat. When I poured him his glass of milk and he dipped a cookie inside and tried it, Mob did a tiny dance because it was so yummy. That was the cutest thing ever. I really miss Mob… What am I saying? He’s right here.
I want to take a moment to look at him. But I can’t.
There’s no spark in his eyes. Just an averted gaze.
There’s no tiny dance. Just inertia.
There’s no warmth. Just fear.
…
No.
This is not my Mob.
My son…
I miss you.
My sweet child…
I miss you so much.
Please come back…
Reigen Shishou is using the knife I was holding tonight. He’s cutting strawberries. This is the only thing you should use a knife for. He would be so disappointed in me. I’m so disgusting. I feel ashamed of myself. I’m such an embarrassment. I don’t even dare to look him in the eyes right now. Or even his hands. I used to love it. If he would tell me a story while gesturing. It was always like he was painting a picture for me to look at instead of having to hold eye contact. It was so comforting…
I’m seeking comfort right now. And find myself fixating on the strawberry in Shishou’s hand. How he twists it between his fingers before cutting the green part off, and then turning it a bit again, before cutting it in half. Shishou holds his hand out to give me one of the halves.
I love this small detail. When you cut most strawberries in half, they have the shape of a heart.
…
When I knew the time was there for me to leave, I felt an overwhelming sadness coming on. I already said my goodbyes to Serizawa at the kitchen table. Reigen was still walking me to the door. I was ready to cry. Again. But I don’t want to. I don’t want this anymore. It’s so painful. I don’t want to be alive.
Shishou’s steps became unexpectedly slower until he came to an halt.
And it stopped my overwhelming emotions to erupt.
“Mob can you…” I suddenly feel the need to look Reigen Shishou in the eyes and I notice they are glassy and red.
“Can you do something for me.” I see a tear slowly rolling down his cheek.
“Can you promise…” His words are interrupted by a big sob.
“Promise m-me.” He is only able to get these few words out. The tears and sobs are coming at the same time. It becomes so bad I fear Shishou might has trouble breathing.
Loud crying. This is way worse than the one and only time I’ve seen my Shishou cry.
I’m so shocked. I can’t even cry myself. Suddenly my own thoughts get overwhelmingly loud.
Shishou… I can’t promise anything. I’m scared. So so scared of…
What am I scared of?
I- I don’t know. What… w-what if…
Reigen Shishou hugs me so tightly. One last time. Before I go.
“Please…” He whispers into my ear. It’s so mournful. There’s so much pain is his voice. And weakness. As if he pushed out these words with his last remaining energy before becoming silent forever.
I don’t want other people to suffer because of the things I do. This is not what I want.
All I want is…
I mean what if…
Will no one take care of me anymore? If I-
…
No one cares about me .