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Heeseung likes the way Riki smells, in a non-weird way of course. They're all men whose job is to sweat and Riki is also one of the members who frequents the gym. Yet, even before showering Riki never stunk, instead he had a natural musky scent. The smell wasn't strong, even after sweating that much, and sometimes Heeseung had to bury his nose in the youngest's neck to inhale the scent.
So yeah, maybe it was a little weird, but honestly Heeseung didn't mean it that way. Riki just had a natural clean smell and it was very relieving to be around. It was funny to think about how much Riki's scent had changed. It had gone from smelling sweet courtesy of Jo Malone's floral cologne when Riki was just a boy to the almost twenty year old's natural musk.
Riki would always try to impress them when the group was first formed. He would do things like wear lots of expensive cologne, beat them at video games, teach them new dance challenges, or really anything where he could show off. Heeseung had found it endearing and the other members would tease him about how much he doted on the younger.
The Riki standing in front of him was nothing like that loud, adorable, rambunctious boy from five years ago. Riki had grown into himself a lot more, discovering what he liked and disliked as he transitioned into adulthood. It was startling how big of a change that had been.
He was taller firstly, having grown to the tallest member in a short period of time. All of the baby fat that surrounded his face had disappeared instead forming a sharp jawline and high cheekbones. Yet the least noticeable change was his eyes. Maybe it was because Heeseung observed him so much, but his eyes were the first thing the eldest member noticed.
They used to be bright and so full of innocence, the eyes of a child who was just happy to be around. Heeseung isn't sure when they changed, he remembers just looking at Riki one day and seeing how dark his eyes had become. He was always watching, eyes calculating all the people around him. They weren't dark in a cold kind of way, just in the way that meant he put his walls up.
Right now they were having their weekly movie night and Riki had decided to wear a tank top with his pajamas. Now Heeseung didn't care about what any of the members wore, especially around the house but Riki had begun to bulk up. The tank top, that probably used to fit him perfectly was now snug against his chest. It made his chest and biceps bulge so much that Heeseung physically froze.
"Oi, Niki-ya when did you get so big?" Jake teases, his hand pressing against Riki's chest.
Heeseung swallows thickly as he watches the members crowd around Riki to tease him about his muscle gain. Something prickles in his chest and he cant figure out why he needs them all to move and he needs it immediately. He doesn't dwell on the feeling and instead clears his throat to get their attention.
"We have an early schedule so we can't be up all night, should we start the movie?" He asks.
Heeseung isn't the leader by any chance, but he is the oldest and Jungwon is a part of the younger members, which means sometimes he indulges in maknae things. He once told Heeseung that he liked when the elder shouldered some of his burden, especially since everyone respected him as the oldest. Now he can see how sheepish Jungwon becomes as he nods with red cheeks.
They all gather on the sofas, except Sunghoon stretches his limbs on the short sofa leaving Riki to sit on the floor. The other four are sitting on the large sofa together and Heeseung is in the sofa chair. There's room for two people in the chair, he and Jake sit comfortably together all the time, and without a second thought he calls Riki over.
"Ki, come sit with me, the floor is hard," Heeseung calls.
Riki looks up shyly as if he hadn't been expecting Heeseung of all people to offer. Sunghoon has turned the air on, always running hotter than everyone else, probably from years of being around ice, and Heeseung watches Riki shiver in his tank top.
The youngest member stands up and makes his way to the sofa chair. His ears have gone red as he waits for Heeseung's instructions and Heeseung tugs him into the chair effortlessly. They move around, the leather of the chair screaming under their weight, which Sunoo glares at them for.
It's startling, the moment Heeseung realizes he might not see Riki as his sweet little dongsaeng anymore. Riki's eyes are steel as he watches the movie, Godzilla vs Kong is what they had decided on, but Heeseung can't tell you a thing that's going on. He's only watching Riki and the way he frowns when a character he doesn't like appears, or the way he throws his head back laughing when Jay gives funny commentary.
Heeseung knows he's staring and he knows Riki can feel it, but he's too busy trying to get his thoughts together. Everything seems to be making sense now, the way Riki grabs his attention the instant he's in the room, the constant need to take care of him, and most of all the staring.
At first Heeseung had thought it was all because he wanted to take care of Riki, and while that was still the case, he couldn't deny that it was probably something more. Heeseung wasn't unfamiliar with crushes, he probably even had the most experience out of everyone, but this was more than that. He had never fallen so slowly in love with someone that he hadn't even realized he was in love until it was too late.
And he was in love with Riki. The realization slaps him in the face and his breathe hitches, a quiet gasp escaping his lips that only Riki can hear. He turns his head in adorable confusion and pouts at Heeseung, resting his hand on the older's shoulder.
"Hyung you okay?" He whispers.
Heeseung can't speak, suddenly his mind is filled with so many different thoughts and emotions as he tried to process what he just realized. Afraid to speak, he simply nods his head and forces himself to face the television. He can feel Riki staring at him still, probably in confusion but he does his best to look at the movie, even if he might not care about it or know what's going on.
Realizing that he loves Riki doesn't change anything however. They still follow the same routines and Heeseung tries his best to keep things the same between them. He's older than Riki, which is a blaring red flag reminder every time he stares at the younger for too long. If it were Jake or Sunghoon, maybe even Sunoo that Heeseung loved, he would've confessed already.
Yet it wasn't, this was Riki, the Japanese male who looked up to Heeseung, probably like an older brother and nothing more. There were so many things that could go wrong, starting with the fact that Heeseung didn't even know if Riki liked boys. Yet it was like a burning inside of him that begged him to tell Riki how he felt and it was starting to weigh down on him heavily.
Right now they were playing a korean word game, Sunghoon's choice because he liked to make fun of Jay and Jake. They were all seated in a circle and to all of their surprise, or maybe not, Riki was doing really well. Usually Jake and he struggled the most with these games, but he was actually doing good this time.
It was adorable, how every time he got a word correctly he would glance over to Heeseung who would give him a soft smile and nod his head as if to say 'good job'. Yet Riki wasn't perfect, he still messed up, like when he used the korean word for stove instead of gas making them all coo. Jake's hand ruffled his hair and Jay pinched his cheeks making the youngest member blush.
"Our Niki-ya is so cute," Jay says.
Heeseung feels something that can only be described as jealousy bubble up inside his gut and he tries his best not to yank their hands away from Riki. Riki is cute, that's a fact, but Heeseung should be the only one ruffling his hair or calling him cute and making him blush. He bites down hard on his lip to stop himself from snapping.
"Jay-hyung let him go," Jungwon says laughing as Jay pulls Riki into his chest giving him a heat pat with affection. Heeseung does his best to focus on something else, anything but the fact that Jay is too close to Riki. At one point Riki is blushing so hard as they compliment him and tug at his cheeks that Heeseung stumbles out of his chair quickly and leaves the room.
He slams his room door closed and locks it while trying to get his thoughts together. He realizes at that moment, he had to say something to Riki before it's too late. Either his feelings will consume him and make him depressed or the jealousy will cause him to do something he regrets. If he confesses he can at least give his thoughts a break and when Riki rejects him he'll be able to get over it.
He stays in his room for the rest of the day as he tries to figure out what to say to Riki. He ignores the members knocking on his door to check up on him as he sits in his bed with his head buried in his knees. He feels so childish for hoping that by some stroke of luck that Riki won't hate him, for liking men or for being in love with him.
He waits until about midnight, when everyone is gone to bed, except he can hear shooting coming from the television in the living room, which means either Riki or Jake is up playing games. He prays that it's Riki and then makes his way out of his room. All the lights in the halls are off, a sign that people are sleeping, so he moves slowly as not to disturb anyone.
When he enters the living room, it seems that fates have heard his cries because Riki is sitting on the sofa alone, in his pajamas and he's got League of Legends fired up. Heeseung sits on the sofa leaving a great bit of distance between them as Riki pauses his game to see who had entered.
"Mind if I join?" Heeseung asks.
Riki's face lights up, immediately passing a controller to Heeseung and starting the game back up. Heeseung waits for that round to end before joining in. They play together for a good two hours, until Heeseung is sure they're the only people awake in the house. He sits his controller down and then grabs Riki's as well. The younger pouts, ready to complain until he sees the seriousness in Heeseung's eyes.
"Hee-hyung?" Riki calls softly.
Heeseung isn't sure why his eyes get glassy or why it feels as if he suddenly can't swallow or breathe, he has no right to cry. Riki frowns and without hesitation, he hugs Heeseung. This somehow prompts the tears to actually fall, how could Riki be so sweet and why was Heeseung so selfish.
"This hyung has failed you Ki," Heeseung says softly.
Riki frowns harder if possible, his large hands resting on the side of Heeseung's face as he wipes the tears away. Heeseung laughs humorlessly as he sees how much the younger cares about him, but probably not in the way he wanted. Riki waits for Heeseung to continue speaking and Heeseung indulges in the younger's affection for as long as he can.
"I don't know why I feel this way Riki-ya, I'm supposed to be someone you can look up to, and yet I feel like this," Heeseung says.
The gaming system in the background serves as white noise as Riki looks to Heeseung with confusion. The older is no longer crying or on the verge of tears much to Riki's relief.
"What do you mean? I don't get it," Riki says.
Heeseung takes a deep breath before pulling Riki's hands into his. He intertwines their fingers and then looks at his lap. He can't look Riki in the eyes as he confesses, he doesn't want to see disgust or hatred in the younger's eyes, it'll break him for good.
"Hyung loves you Ki,"
"Huh? I love you too hyung,"
Heeseung clicks his teeth in frustration.
"No, I'm in love with you Ki. It sucks, and I don't even know when I started feeling this way. I just know that this is what I feel. I always want to be around you and every time we're in the room together I can't help but seek you out. I'm drawn to you and my head becomes clouded with you and you only. I'm so sorry, I know you're younger than me and I don't expect you to feel the same I just needed to tell you before it got worse," Heeseung rushes out.
Riki's hands have cone to rest on his lap and absentmindedly Heeseung plays with the younger's fingers. It's silent for a suffocating minute before Riki squeezes Heeseung's hand.
"Can you repeat that please? Maybe just a little slower," He asks.
This time Heeseung looks at him as he does. For the first time in a long time, Heeseung can't tell what Riki is thinking. He doesn't see the emotions that flash there at all, Riki just looks so blank.
And then, he smiles.
It's startling, to see Riki smile after the bombshell that Heeseung dropped on him.
"Hyung, you really like me? Like for real, this isn't a joke?" Riki asks.
Heeseung raises an eyebrow, still completely unsure why Riki was so happy about finding out his eldest member seemed to be taking advantage of him or something.
"Why would I joke about something like this Riki?" Heeseung asks.
Riki blinks slowly before pressing his face into Heeseung's shoulder, giving him a hug. Confused and unsure, Heeseung hugs back while waiting for an explanation. Riki is all smiles as he looks at Heeseung adoringly.
"Hyung, I've liked you for so long, it makes me really happy that you feel the same way," Riki says.
It's like a slap in the face. Riki likes him too? What about their age difference? Shouldn't that be a problem between the two of them. Heeseung asks as much and Riki simply shrugs it off like it's no big deal.
"Hyung as crazy as it seems, I am an adult now and I know what I want. I don't think you're taking advantage of me and I want to see where this goes, if you'll have me." Riki says shyly.
Heeseung knows they need to talk about this more, figure out what to do, how to tell everyone else, boundaries need to be set, but at the moment all he can feel is relief. He's so happy that Riki feels the same way.
"Can hyung kiss you?" He asks.
Riki bites his lips and looks down shyly as he nods. Heeseung asked the question but he still isn't sure if he should be the one to make the first move. Riki must see his hesitation because he's the one to lean in first and Heeseung shyly meets him in the middle.
It's neither one of their first kisses but they're both cautious at first. Riki's lips are soft, and Heeseung becomes greedy upon noticing. He bites at the younger's lips and kisses him until they have to break apart for air. It's not a long break since Riki gets right back into it, kissing Heeseung like he needs it.
They startle apart when a sleepy Jake clears his throat, completely surprised at what he's just stumbled upon. He looks like he wants to ask but then he just shakes his head and turns around heading back to his room. Heeseung can't help but giggle to himself once Jake is gone and Riki follows along until they both cant breathe from laughing.
Yeah, they're going to have to explain this new development between them, because Jake is the worse at keeping secrets, but Heeseung looks at Riki's smile and thinks it'll all be okay.