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My dear Moony,
before I was send here, I never really thought about the effect a dementor has on a person. I was quite distracted in DADA classes by your adorable laugh to ever pay much attention, but sure, I knew that they stole your happiness. That is very vague. I wonder why they didn't teach us about the process in a little more detail. Well, maybe they did...
Now I have first hand experience. I would rather not, but we both know that I made some mistakes that warrant a punishment far greater than this. Anyway, dementors – they do not steal your happy memories. I can still recall Harry's face on Christmas morning, or riding a broomstick for the first time, or endless nights in our dormitory with you, and James and Peter...
The memories are still there. But the dementors, they dull them. When I think about holding Harry for the first time, there is love and protectiveness, but the happiness, it feels far away. Like it is hidden behind a veil. It doesn't warm me anymore. I think of these moments in my life, the moments that I have always treasured so much, and more than anything else there is emptiness.
But you, Moony ... my dear Moony, always so smart and beautiful and unmistakably you. Did I ever tell you which memory I use to conjure a patronus? I think about the first time I managed to make you smile. It took me several week, back when we were both 11 and scared and barely knew each other and still I knew that if I could only make you smile, somehow, everything would be alright. So I behaved like a complete prat – I'm afraid that ever since, I never quite got that characteristic out of my system again. I got plenty of detention, but I didn't get you to crack. Then, one day, we were walking back from dinner and I stumbled on the stairs and there it was. Like your face breaking open, eyes bright, absolutely delighted. It was like looking at the sun. Worth all the effort and better than I had imagined it to be. You helped me up, of course, because you are you. It was such a small moment. I couldn't have possibly been any happier.
What I need to tell you, my dear Moony, is that your smile is magic. Because no matter how close the dementors get at night, no matter how hard they try to leave me cold and empty, there is always your smile, and it always shines bright. I haven't lost a single bit of the warmth that spreads through me whenever I think of that moment. They really should update the textbooks, because surely patronuses are quite effective when it comes to dementors, but oh, they haven't met you yet.
Please know that I am heartbroken because of what happened with ... because of what happened that night. Every single second of every single day I wish that it was me instead, that I told you, that I was a better wizard, someone who could have prevented... I know that there isn't any use in dwelling on it, and that breaks me even more.
I also know that for the last couple of years, I have been a very lucky man indeed. I was the one you allowed to make you smile. They are all tucked away safely in my heart, your smiles. Every last one of them, warming me now. It doesn't make sense and I don't deserve it, but still they do. They are like you, in this way. Treating me as if I deserved to be happy.
My dear Moony, please know that you are loved, that you have been loved from the moment I met you and until the moment I breathe my last breath. I am sorry this love comes from such a flawed man. But it is pure, and it is real, and you deserve every last ounce of it. Much, much more, actually...
So when you think of me, hate me all you want, it is rightfully deserved. But don't think the love wasn't real, don't think that you got what you deserved. Moony, you deserve the whole wide world. I'm sorry I couldn't give it to you.
Yours eternally,
Sirius
P.S.: Peter killed them. Please be careful.