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silence doomed in the call the two groupmates were in, alone together.
the clock pointed two and a half in the morning. mafuyu had gone to sleep early, having to be rested for school the next day, and the demo mizuki prepared, waiting to be filled with ena’s art, had long been ready – something mizuki took as an opportunity to binge-watch some anime that had recently aired and that they had yet to watch, leaving kanade and ena to be.
just the two of them together, the atmosphere had gotten unusually tense, goosebumps taking over kanade’s whole body in reaction to the words ena had just spoken – oddly uncharacteristic of her, in context.
sharp breaths were drawn from one side of the call, getting faster and faster each second that passed.
kanade’s eyes now lacked the ability to focus on the piece of art she had been sent a few minutes ago, completely distraught by what her friend had said – a thing kanade knew very well ena struggled with, as she had either witnessed it firsthand or noticed the consequences that ensued on ena, but also that she never thought would ever be spoken towards her.
she muttered some quiet words, her voice distraught, barely loud enough for ena to pick up.
“enanan… what did you just say?”
and without missing a beat, the stronger, strained, and clearly pained voice of the brunette blew right back at her, as if the words had already been waiting at the tip of her tongue long ago.
“you don’t really think it’s worth anything, do you?”
kanade’s brows furrowed behind her screen, her face scrunching up into a worried expression that had no way of reaching ena. her chest tightened at the thought of ena’s own, of which the painful feeling she could only imagine. nothing about what kanade could hear from the other side was steady – ena was undeniably in a lot of pain, and kanade understood her behavior as a loss of control over herself.
something she was sadly familiar with herself.
the voice stormed back at her again, this time more desperate and audibly frustrated at the lack of response her previous question received.
“k?!” she started, before her words crumbled under the pain, “...answer me! answer me...”
quiet sobs followed the outburst of frustration that had built inside ena, sobs the brunette could not possibly keep down even if she had tried her hardest to. words that kanade had meant to be soft came out pained in return.
“… i wouldn’t lie to you, enanan.”
and kanade knew these words wouldn’t be able to save ena from her own thoughts, right this moment.
the designed girl muttered something inaudible in her mic, choked between cries and sobs. no further answer was given – ena was well aware kanade’s plea was genuine, deep down. she wouldn’t lie to her. ena knew that, oh so well. yet the thoughts felt like they pulled at her hair, at her skin, whispering in her ear that such thing could never be possible, as she had no worth herself to begin with.
that her words couldn’t be trusted.
and the guilt ate her up, meddling with the intrusive and invasive nature of her already omnipresent emotions.
taking the other girl’s whimpers as response, kanade reached for the white mouse of her computer, clicked on ena’s profile picture – a beautiful drawing that had caught kanade’s eye from the beginning – and swiftly opened the page meant for their direct messages. she cleared her throat, making sure not to make audible any possible unpleasant elements her voice could betray – elements ena could catch on. she needed to calm her down, to provide her with a support that was almost impossible to give through a mere phone call.
as expected, they could not communicate everything.
“enana… ena, are you free right now?”
ena’s head perked up, as kanade deduced by what she guessed was the sound of ena’s earphones rubbing against her clothes. her sobs had been put to a halt, although she was still sniffling, and she hummed a sound that testified to her confusion.
“if you are allowed to, of course…” kanade started a little hesitantly, as if just realising what she was about to offer, “…you could come over here. so we can talk. a little.”
no response. kanade’s palm got unexpectedly sweaty, which she could feel, not without a little disgust, on her mouse. a feeling she only had rarely felt coursed through her blood as her grip on the object tightened, as if a little nervously.
“...only if you feel like it, of course.” kanade added after a second.
the answer took a little time to form. ena’s voice, a few seconds ago so fiery and fragile, now felt almost shy.
“can i really…?”
a faint smile kanade wished ena could see formed on her lips. her body, which had previously gotten tense, relaxed at the sound of her groupmate’s voice, now feeling a little more confident in her decision.
“yes. i’ll send you the address just now,” she said, as quick fingers tapped on the keys of her computer, “we can stay on the phone until you get there.”
her voice broke down an octave, in kind of a ridiculous fashion, sounding slightly embarrassed.
“… sorry for offering this so late.”
and the next thing she knew, gentle knocks were heard at her door. it was now a little past three in the morning, and the girls had hung up a few minutes before ena reached her destination.
upon opening the door, kanade’s figure was met with the slightly taller one, who looked away in what may have seemed like shame.
kanade had never seen ena in such attire. the artist wore brown plaid pants that seemed a little too big for her, with a large hoodie of a similar tone that hid the shirt that went a little past it. kanade may not have had mizuki’s sense or interest in fashion, but she couldn’t say the sight was bad. she was not one to analyse people so thoroughly based on fashion, but for some reason, seeing ena in different clothes than usual somehow made her heart tickle in a way she couldn’t possibly explain.
the long-haired girl was quickly drawn back to reality as her eyes laid on ena’s face, who was still looking to the side. despite the questionable light source that was her front door, kanade could notice her eyes were swollen and sullen, a bit of makeup that had seemingly smudged still finding comfort in their corner. her lips looked like they had been bitten down upon, and, after further inspection, might have been bleeding a little.
kanade initiated the conversation, reaching her hand out for ena to grab onto.
“come on in, ena.”
the other girl’s hand leaned into the touch, letting herself get walked inside. she had come to the place twice already, but never long enough to properly take a look at everything. the house was big, with corridors opening on a line of doors ena only knew of the one leading to mafuyu’s room.
quietly, and still holding onto kanade’s hand, she finally spoke.
“thank you for having me here,” she said, suddenly looking down at her feet, “and… i’m sorry for accusing you of stuff earlier.”
her voice had gotten weak, and tears swelled up in her eyes again, dangerously threatening to fall any moment. she had barely been here for 5 minutes, damn it.
kanade, who was standing by her side, took some steps, keeping their hands attached, to face her friend. her free hand grabbed ena’s arm through her hoodie, and rubbing on it with her thumb, offered for them to go sit down in her room.
ena took a sit the closer she could to the wall, and kanade followed, sitting right next to her, her calloused thumb gently rubbing the skin of ena’s delicate hand, the thin skin of her wrist, on which she could dolefully feel the scars of a battle that hadn’t yet ended. she glided over them with as much love as she could possibly manage to show.
ena didn’t mind the mess, too distracted anyway by the horrible thoughts that kept hurting themselves against the walls of her brain. it felt never-ending. she wanted so badly to enjoy the warmth kanade’s hand radiated through her own, to enjoy the presence of the girl she loved right next to hers, but nothing was allowing her to. the world felt as if allied against her, determined to make her as miserable as possible – and as much as ena wanted to believe she could deal with it on her own, which was outright a lie, she still felt much worse knowing kanade was the one witnessing her in this state.
“i’m sorry,
the first teardrop fell as the words came gushing out of her mouth.
“i’m sorry for what i said to you,”
followed by an endless stream pouring from her eyes.
“i just can’t understand it, i- i don’t know. i don’t know how or why you would choose me above literally anyone else when i’m, what, mediocre at best? i just - i keep slowing everyone down and -”
her voice broke, and broke over and over again as she emptied her painful heart on kanade’s bed. and not without listening carefully, kanade discretely let go of her hand, which ena brought to her chest instinctively, and gently climbed behind her, slowly positioning herself as to avoid startling the other girl.
her now heated-up hands wrapped around ena’s body, sending a light shiver through her spine as one of kanade’s hands laid over her waist, the other cupping the cheek dampened by the tears she was still shedding.
“...i don’t get it, kanade.”
and she stream grew somewhat quieter, the room filled with ena’s hiccups as her hand reached for the one kanade had on her face, gripping at it as kanade kept wiping her tears away.
“i love your art, ena.”
she got a little closer to the other girl.
“it’s as simple as that. it spoke to me, that day. you know, through your drawing…”
kanade laid her head over hers, as if merging their bodies together.
“…you saved part of me too.”
and cuddled up under her, ena could feel kanade’s small body shaking ever so slightly. the thumb had stopped moving, the grasp on ena’s waist getting a little tighter.
through her own tears, and owing to kanade’s weak bodily condition, ena managed to turn around to face the smaller girl. sat up on her knees, ena looked at kanade’s crying face with what could only be described as awe. despite everything, she was so beautiful – and ena’s heart winced at the thought.
kanade looked back at her, face flushed and eyes full of big tears she tried her hardest to hold back.
“ena…”
ena cupped the cherub face with both of her hands, and as if nature had told her so, bent forward, and kissed away the tears confiscating the entirety of kanade’s eyes, time and again, until both girls were huddled together, nestling closely as if it were all they had.
kanade’s hand grabbed tightly onto the hoodie of the girl who was drinking and her tears, her pain and love away – the pathos of their existence – as they kept flowing out of both of their eyes, eventually mixing and dampening their clothes.
the mess of the hearts beating in rhythm, the creation of a melody that sounded deiform in kanade’s ears, the product of a love they shared for each other, a love that kanade finally realised.
“ena,”
kanade called her name, once again. she sounded less uncertain this time, yet the quality of her voice still felt small and fragile – not only because she was quite shaken up by what had just happened between her and her groupmate, but also because it had taught her something of great importance. ena smooched her forehead one last time before she looked at the other girl, lowering her hands off of her face and on her knees, not without a little concern.
kanade sat up on her knees as well, and standing on them, quickly kissed ena’s lips before backing down and opening her eyes again, staring right into the beautiful eyes belonging to the very red-faced and seemingly speechless girl in front of her. she smiled the gentlest smile god would have granted a human had he been able to, and whispered tenderly –
“i love you.”