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I feel so warm…
I think I’m floating…
My body is melting into the ground…
My nerves feel shocked out like I got attacked by a jellyfish and I can hardly even move my fingers.
The only part of me that feels so heavy is my head…
It’s still too full of thoughts and worries.
So I open the bottle again and pour more capsules into my hand.
“One… Two…”
I don’t even know what I’m taking anymore…
…
“Sayori?”
Monika knocked on her friend’s door for a second time. She was caught a bit off guard since usually, Sayori would run to the door to embrace her before she even finished walking up her porch steps. She checked her phone for the time, noon on the dot, and confirmed their plans in their texts for when Monika was supposed to come over. She shifted on her feet as she awkwardly awaited Sayori, smiling politely at walking by neighbours and fixing her shirt.
She went to knock again after a few moments before she got the idea to check if the door was locked. To little surprise, the door opened. Monika rolled her eyes and smiled as she thought of how careless it was to leave your front door unlocked, even for your friends. She entered and placed her handbag on the mudroom bench before taking off her shoes and placing them on the shelf that had her name scribbled on it. She and Sayori had decorated her shoe storage and written labels a few months ago when they started to hang out more, and Sayori had insisted Monika had her own shelf.
“Sayori?” Monika called again, hanging up her cardigan. Hearing no response, she looked around the living room and kitchen. When she couldn’t find her, she called out again. A little confused, Monika sat on the couch and checked her phone. She thought, maybe Sayori stepped out to grab the mail or run an errand. That would explain why the door was unlocked, since Sayori sometimes forgot. She was about to text Sayori before she heard a thump upstairs.
Monika called out upstairs again, standing from the couch and moving towards the stairs. She passed by a few pictures hung up on her hallway walls of her family, her friends, and miscellaneous paintings her mother collected. Monika smiled at the photo of her and Sayori hiking last month. She walked towards Sayori’s room, hesitating before opening the door. Was it a bit invading of her to just walk in?
“Sayori? It’s Monika… Your door was unlocked so I came in. Are you awake?” She asked. She heard another thump come from the other side of the door, making her jump a bit. Monika straightened herself and took in a breath before she gently opened the door.
“Oh my god–!” Monika stared agape at her friend on the floor, discarded pills in her hand, and staring at the ceiling with a dazed look.
“Sayori!” She immediately ran to her and checked her pulse, feeling a brief relief when she confirmed she was alive. She checked around Sayori to find any labels to find what Sayori took, but panicked again when she couldn’t find any. Monika swallowed down the lump in her throat and tried to control her breathing as she checked Sayori, noticing her laboured breathing and pinpoint pupils. She grabbed her phone from her pocket to dial 119.
She could hardly focus on the numbers from the shaking of her hands and the dark vignette in her vision. Once she dialled the number, she placed the phone to her ear and tried to control her breathing. She did her best to adjust Sayori to the recovery position, letting out a shaky exhale. Monika was so confused and distressed, she didn’t even process the tears rolling down her face.
“Hello? Ma'am?” Monika heard on the other end of her phone. She hadn’t even realised they had responded.
“Yes– Hello?” She stuttered out, ignoring her dry throat as she continued making sure there was nothing that could harm Sayori around.
“What’s your emergency?” The woman on the other end replied calmly.
“Hello–My friend took– she took something and she’s currently overdosing–!” Monika desperately tried to keep Sayori awake by squeezing her hand and shoulders.
“Do you have any idea what she took?”
Monika gently shook Sayori's shoulders, trying to maintain some semblance of level headedness as her best friend suffered in her lap.
“Sayori? Sayori, do you remember what you took?” She said, wincing at her own pathetic, breaking voice. “Sayori–please! Please look at me… What did you take?”
“Alright, remain calm, Miss. What are your friend’s symptoms?”
“She– Her pupils are constricted, she’s having difficulty breathing and staying conscious, her skin feels– Oh god– her skin feels cold and– and clammy…”
"Stay with her and keep her as comfortable as possible. Help will be there soon," the operator assured.
Monika put her phone down, her hands still trembling. She took Sayori’s hand, squeezing it gently. "Hang in there, Sayori. Help is coming," she murmured, tears blurring her vision.
…
Huh?
There’s a voice above me…
…Monika?
Oh—Right…
Movie marathon.
Why can’t I say hi?
Is she crying?
Don’t cry, Moni…
I want to help…
Why can’t I move?
Moni, please don’t cry…
You’re saying words I can’t hear…
Everything is foggy…
Think my brain is rotting in places…
I think my heart is ready to die…
I think my body is falling in pieces…
I think my blood is passing me by…
But… Monika’s here…
So I’m okay.
…
Monika sat in the hospital waiting room, fumbling with the strap of her bag and staring at the floor as she tried to calm her racing heart. She ran her fingers through her ponytail and kept glancing at the clock.
Everything happened so fast, her mind was still trying to catch up to the present.
“Hello Miss?”
Monika looked up at the nurse and wiped her teary eyes before standing from the chair.
“Can we get you anything? You must have had a big scare seeing your friend like that.” The nurse said as she handed Monika a visitor’s card.
“No thank you, I’m alright.” Monika smiled halfheartedly. “How is Sayori doing?”
“She’s going to be just fine, she’s just talking with the doctors and then you’ll be allowed to see her.”
“Alright, thank you.” Monika wandered to the waiting hall of the room Sayori was in after showing security her card. She took a seat on the bench and took out her phone to check the time.
4:30 pm.
She sighed and rested her head back against the wall, distracting herself with the posters on the walls.
After about 10 minutes, a doctor came out of the room Sayori was in, smiling sympathetically at Monika.
“She’s alright to visit now.” He said.
Monika stood up, not minding the slight wobble in her legs, and entered the room. Her heart ached in her ribs when she saw Sayori in the bed, hooked up to different monitors and pale.
But nothing shattered her heart more than the ashamed and distraught look on Sayori’s face, so deep in her own head that she didn’t even notice Monika came in.
“Sayori?” Monika said gently as she slowly walked to the bedside, making Sayori’s head snap up.
“I’m sorry–” Sayori started, but Monika cut her off, sensing her panic.
“Shh, it’s okay–” She gently hugged Sayori and combed her hair with her fingers. “You’re okay.”
“But I worried you so much!” Sayori cried as she hugged Monika back. “I’m sorry, Moni!”
Monika hugged Sayori tighter and sat with her in her hospital bed, pulling her to her chest and closing her eyes. In truth, she was so worried. She was so worried she felt like her heart was in her throat and her hands hadn’t stopped shaking since they had arrived. She should’ve been mad, she thought, for Sayori doing something so reckless and dangerous. But Monika knew Sayori better than that, and knew there was something she didn’t see.
“You’re okay…” Monika said as she pulled Sayori’s hair bow out of her pocket. The doctors had taken it off when they brought Sayori in and gave it to Monika to hold onto. She gently placed the bow back in Sayori’s hair before hugging her again. “Can I get you anything? More water?”
Sayori shook her head and kept hugging Monika, slowly calming down. She sniffled and pulled away gently, looking to the floor, ashamed. She adjusted her bow and fixed her hospital gown. Monika could tell she was still upset, understandably, and still in her own head. So, she rested her hand on Sayori’s shoulder.
“Can you tell me what happened?” She asked quietly.
Sayori sniffled and rubbed her eyes before nodding.
“My… My cousin invited me over last week for a gaming night, like Mario Party and stuff. It was really fun, and she showed me these cool games she bought on her trip to America. After a bit, we went to her room to get me some pyjamas so I could sleep over, and she told me to just look through the drawers to find anything that was comfortable.” Sayori paused, scratching the back of her neck.
“ She left so I could get changed and… I looked through her drawers like she said to. But she just got new furniture and I didn’t know which drawer had what, so I opened her junk drawer by accident. I was going to just close it, but I saw a bottle of something. I picked it up—and it was Fentanyl. Y’know, that drug that they give patients in a lot of pain?
“Well, I heard her coming back down the hall, and I stuffed it in my pocket on an impulse… I didn’t mention it or anything, and I kind of forgot about it until I got home. On Monday… I was so tired. My head was racing and telling me all these nasty things, being a bully like always. So, I just tried one. It definitely fogged my head, and I felt a small amount of relief for the first time in years.
“And today, I was so excited to hang out with you. But my head just kept saying mean things to me that I tried so hard to ignore, so I took another one. It didn’t work the way it did the first time, so I took more. After a while, I had taken almost half the bottle, and all I could hear with this static in my head that made my vision blurry and my hands cold. I didn’t know what to do other than take more…”
Monika was biting her tongue so harshly to hold back her tears as she listened to her best friend, and she didn’t even realise she was digging her nails into her own thigh. She sighed heavily and rested her head on Sayori’s shoulder, holding her hand. There was so much she wanted to say, she didn’t know where to start. She wanted to reprimand Sayori for being so careless, she wanted to apologise for contributing to her worry, she wanted to comfort her and tell her she was worth more than her head told her. But her throat was so dry, she was struggling to even breathe. All she could say—
“Sayori, you are the most unique person I’ve ever met. You treat everyone around you with so much kindness and patience, but you don’t save any of that empathy for yourself… Even though, I think you deserve that kindness more than most people. I could sit here and just list everything I love about you, but that would take too much time. You bring so much light into everyone’s life and help others feel so loved, but—you forget to shine light on yourself.”
She was rambling at this point. She wanted to comfort and help, but her worry was taking over and speaking before she could. Sayori paused her by squeezing her hand.
“Moni, you don’t have to feel bad for anything.” She said,
Monika was a bit shocked that Sayori could tell, but she should’ve guessed she would. Sayori was amazing at reading people and what can cheer them up. Of course she could tell Monika felt guilty, even when it wasn’t really her fault.
Sayori took a deep breath before continuing, “I know I messed up. Half the time—I think my fate is losing its patience and my heart races so hard in my chest that I think its ready to die. But all I know is… I want to be better. If not for myself, then for you. I think…
“I think if I gave up on you, I wouldn’t know how to be alive.”
Monika nodded, feeling a sense of relief wash over her as Sayori spoke. She knew her friend had so much more on her mind than Monika could reasonably help with in one sitting, but it eased her heart to hear that she wanted to get better.
“I’ll be here for you, regardless of what happens,” Monika said softly, squeezing Sayori’s hand in reassurance. “We’ll get through this together, I don’t want you to hide from me anymore.”
In that moment, as they sat together in the hospital room, Monika knew that no matter what challenges lay ahead, their relationship would always be a source of strength and support for both of them. Together, they could find a light in a world that seemed to hide its glow. Because in truth, Monika had much stronger feelings for Sayori than just a friend. Sayori as incredible—a beacon of light in the darkest of times, guiding her towards a brighter tomorrow.
As they held onto each other, they knew that no matter what obstacles they faced, they would always have each other to lean on, and to love…