Chapter Text
"Geez, it's easy for you to speak. Come on, you don't have that guts."
"Yea..." A young guy gently stirs a straw in a cup of bubble tea, softly answers, he's starting to regret having confided in his friend.
Because there will be no one who understands him like he does. They will laugh at him, or assume that he is overreacting. Yeo Hwanwoong, twenty-two years old, the only child in a well-off family, lacks almost nothing materially. So what's there to be sad about?
Why is he sad?
He wants to tell him, but then he doesn't want to bother the older anyway, Youngjo is busy enough with life out there.
He can still stand it, right?
Even though every panic attack strikes, even though the voices in his head are crazy loud.
Two o'clock in the morning, Hwanwoong wakes up in the middle of a nightmare, his heart rate is increasing and his arms and legs are shaking, a feeling of tingling like ants crawling from the tips of his fingers and toes to his chest, his stomach churning as if he wants to vomit. He curls up, closes his eyes tightly, purses his lips, clenches his fists, moving his thumbnail over his index finger, hoping it would all go away quickly, yet his eyelids can't hold back the tears. Youngjo is breathing steadily next to him, he can't be noisy. Seven more hours, he has delayed so many days, seven more hours will be nothing.
Until he gradually fell asleep from exhaustion, the sun comes out and Youngjo kisses his forehead before going to work. When Hwanwoong opens his eyes, it is late afternoon. He sits down at the table tiredly, pulls out a piece of paper and started writing:
"After I'm gone, if one day you read this letter from me, please let me apologize one last time, because I can't keep my promise to you. I love you very much, but I'm so tired. Thank you for everything you've given me, I was so happy. Goodbye."
Suddenly, his phone vibrates on the table, he lifts his head, eyes drawn to the screen as a new message pops up.
‘Is my Hwanwoong aegi at home yet? I'm waiting to buy us dinner.'
Hwanwoong's breath catches in his throat as he reads Youngjo's tender words. The phone vibrates again with a follow-up message:
‘Wait for meee’
In this moment, the tender concern radiating from Youngjo's words cuts through the darkness clouding Hwanwoong's mind. He feels a glimmer of warmth amid the all-consuming despair he's been wrestling with.
"Wait for me," Hwanwoong whispers, his voice cracking. The thought of leaving Youngjo behind, of abandoning their plans for a quiet evening together, suddenly feels unbearable.
With a shaky exhale, Hwanwoong pockets the phone. He knows he has a long way to go, but these messages have reminded him that he is loved, that he matters to someone. Perhaps, just maybe, there is still hope to be found.
*
When did it all start? Hwanwoong doesn't want to remember - every time those memories resurface, they are like thorny vines wrapping around him, and he desperately fights back. However, the recollections will still naturally come to him, noisy and annoying. They whisper ghostly words in his ear, making him want to destroy everything.
"Yeo Hwanwoong, you're borrowing someone else's happiness."
"Yeo Hwanwoong, why are you continuing? You're useless, you won't get anything even if you try."
"Yeo Hwanwoong, you know what the outcome of this is. You're so annoying, who can stand it?"
"Hwanwoong, even if it's not like that, why don't you look at your future and see what you've done?"
At first, he is angry. He is angry at himself for being useless and unable to escape. This is not him. Hwanwoong was always optimistic and brilliant, had hope for the future, and had many ambitions. Yet, day by day, everything that used to be his favorite gradually faded away. Dancing doesn't make him happy, and waking up feels like he is forced. There's an invisible, stuffy stuffiness pressing down on him, making him want to go crazy and break out. But no matter how much he screamed until he was hoarse in the cramped cage, no matter how many times he slashed his thighs, no matter how many times he scratched himself until he bled, he was still stuck.
Then, when he wakes up, he keeps falling, falling forever in endless space. Hwanwoong doesn't feel like he belongs anywhere in this world. Once he is pulled back to the real world, he will again find a way to hide his wounds from Youngjo. Wounded, in both senses.
*
Today, Youngjo suddenly comes home because he finished work earlier. It's lucky for him, but bad for Hwanwoong, because the younger's eyes are still swollen. Youngjo is stunned for a moment, then regains consciousness. He hugs Hwanwoong tightly and takes him for a walk, hoping that the fresh air by the lake will make the younger feel more comfortable.
The two don't say a word to each other. Hwanwoong secretly thinks that if only he didn't love Youngjo so much and the older wasn't the gentlest person in the world to him, things wouldn't be so difficult. He stops walking and leans on the railing of the windy lake, looking down at the dark water covered by darkness. Even the street lights nearby can't make it bright.
Hwanwoong closes his eyes, contemplating how deep the water is down there, wondering if it would be enough to swallow all his troubles.
His left hand has a strong grip, pulling him back to reality. Hwanwoong slowly turns his head and meets Youngjo's worried eyes. The older seems to feel something. His voice seems about to break, but he only says, "It's cold, come here with me."
Even though Hwanwoong loves Youngjo very much, there are still times when he thinks about leaving. This is not because Youngjo is lacking in any way, nor is it just due to Hwanwoong being tormented by evil thoughts. Rather, it is because Hwanwoong sees that the person he loves can overcome whatever happens, even without him.
Hwanwoong believes Youngjo is strong enough to persevere and move forward even if they were to separate.
Hwanwoong thinks that by leaving, he will be freed from the thoughts that torture him. He believes that while Youngjo may be sad at first, ultimately the older man will, as he has taught Hwanwoong, overcome the difficulties. Youngjo's life will go on, and one day he will look back with pride at having overcome what seemed impossible.
However, Hwanwoong doubts whether he himself has the same ability to overcome challenges.
The image of the last time he stood at the edge often appears in Hwanwoong's mind. In these moments, he wishes he had the courage to look back at Youngjo one last time, smile as beautifully as when they first met, and embrace his lover's silhouette before dropping into the abyss. Hwanwoong hopes to be reunited with Youngjo completely in another life.
Later, Hwanwoong realizes that true courage lies not in ending his life, but in daring to continue living through the hardship.
*
Hwanwoong writes another unsent letter. He can't even count how many he's written, but he hasn't gone through with it yet. Cowardly, right? He doesn't want to break Youngjo's heart, but he also doesn't want to continue torturing himself. Every day, Hwanwoong wakes up thinking about how much he hates living, imagining how this life will end so he won't have to suffer anymore. He hates himself, so much.
"In the end, it is my choice that led me to this end," Hwanwoong writes. "I don't blame anyone, and I don't want anyone to blame others or themselves. I'm sorry for hurting you, and I can't heal you myself. I'm sorry for dragging you into my mess."
Hwanwoong turns the paper over and is stunned to see two hand-drawn roses on the back - one neat and beautiful, the other smaller with clumsy strokes. Once, he had asked Youngjo to teach him how to draw roses. This was definitely the model Youngjo had drawn for him. Though Hwanwoong enjoyed drawing and painting, his artistic talent paled in comparison to his perfect dance moves.
Hwanwoong remembered the day he got frustrated with his poor rose drawing, until Youngjo took his hand and helped him draw another flower next to the older man's work. Youngjo had then happily pointed to the two roses, likening the bigger one to himself and the smaller one to Hwanwoong, as if they were a "famous painting."
Hwanwoong desperately wants to be Youngjo's rose - beautiful, strong, and deserving of being displayed with pride. On his previous birthday, he had meticulously tried to draw a small picture of Youngjo with a rose, a gift that could never be exchanged for any currency but was truly priceless to the older man. Youngjo had pinned the painting right next to his desk in the studio, so he could see it every day.
Staring at the roses, Hwanwoong felt a bittersweet mix of longing and regret. He knew that if he were to go through with his plan, Youngjo would lose that precious artwork, along with so much more. The thought of causing his beloved such unimaginable pain made Hwanwoong's heart twist with anguish.
Hwanwoong's heart ached as he thought about Youngjo's unwavering warmth and love. The older man showered him with gifts, constantly telling Hwanwoong he loved him, afraid the younger would forget. Youngjo's actions and words made it clear he wanted nothing more than to make Hwanwoong happy.
During those long, tormented nights when Hwanwoong wrestled with dark thoughts, he couldn't help but feel that Youngjo somehow sensed his inner turmoil. The older man would tenderly hold his hands, rubbing his worn joints, and plead, "Stay with me, please." Every time Hwanwoong tried to leave, Youngjo would pull him back into a tight embrace.
Even when Hwanwoong was fed up with the world, Youngjo's presence was the reason he stayed. He hated how people mocked his suffering and pressured him to stay alive for their own reasons. But deep down, Hwanwoong desperately wanted to be saved by Youngjo.
Hwanwoong had heard people say that someone as mentally unstable as him shouldn't love anyone, that no one would be able to save him, and that he might even drag Youngjo down with him. The thought of that broke Hwanwoong's heart - no matter how many times he may try to end his life, it would never be enough to make up for the pain he would cause Youngjo.
Hwanwoong didn't even dare utter the word "breakup." The mere idea of it sent shockwaves of agony through his chest. How could they ever break up when they loved each other so deeply? Their unspoken feelings, much like the unsent letters in the drawer, would always be there, a testament to their profound connection.
As selfish and greedy as it might be, Hwanwoong couldn't help but wonder - wasn't there someone in this world, deep down, who just wanted a happy ending for themselves?