Chapter Text
This happens once every few lifetimes
These chemicals hit me like white wine
Barbara had been sitting at her dining room table, glass of Pinot Grigio in hand, twirling it mindlessly as she watches the liquid slosh inside the glass. She had just finished another useless session of couples counseling with Gerald, who insists on "working through" this "rough patch" in their marriage. The thing is, though, this isn't merely a rough patch. She had finally had Melissa in the way she's wanted since she first met the woman. There's a difference between being quietly in love with someone, and actually loving them out loud. There's no possible way she can go back to loving her in secret. You see, when Barbara Howard loves someone, she loves them out loud; loves them freely. Life is simply too short to put restrictions on Love.
To make things worse, during couples counseling when they were told to journal their feelings, the only thing she had repeatedly wrote on that paper was "Melissa". She knew before they even started these sessions that there was only one way this could end: stitches undone, two graves, one gun.
It had been two weeks since she last saw Melissa, two weeks since their accidental tryst. When they had awoken that next morning, they had gathered their belongings in the quiet of the morning and spent the car ride in awkward silence, neither woman knowing what this will mean for them going forward. Sure, they had told each other they loved the other, but they always do. That was normal. What was abnormal was facing the weight of the world in limbo, not knowing if they just screwed up the most important relationship in both of their lives. Not getting to be their usual "Work Wives" selves at work had taken a toll on Barbara, and she wasn't sure how much longer she could bear it. Not to mention the loss of sleep she was struggling with.
Worst sleep that I ever had
I circled you on a map
I haven't come around in so long
Getting up from the dining table after throwing the rest of her drink down her throat, she walked over to the end table by the couch and picked up her journal. After flipping aimlessly through the minimal pages she had actually utilized, she finally found the one that gave her the most insight for what to do next. It was the only logical option honestly, and she knew toying with all three of their emotions would only cause more heartbreak. The only thing that has halted Barbara from reaching out to Melissa is the fact that she would be leaving her previous life behind. Over forty years of marriage over in the span of a singular conversation. It was simply too much.
Trying to breathe through the iron cage that was tightening around her heart, she reaches over and grabs her pink sharpie to circle the last 'Melissa' on that page.
It wasn't that she was unsure of Melissas feelings for her, she had known all along if she was being honest with herself. She knows Melissa would marry her right this second if she just asked her. Melissa wasn't the problem. She was the problem. Leaving her good life and her good Christian husband meant leaving behind everything she knew. She had always been a good girl, obeying her parents, obeying the Lord, and never talking out of turn. She was always at the top of her class, lead the Youth group at Church, and even married the boy her parents had wanted her to at a very young age. Everything had a place and everything had a reason. Her life was always incredibly structured, but her love for Melissa was harrowingly unstructured. Her love for Melissa terrified her.
Sighing, she quietly says to herself "the only way out is through". A mantra she repeatedly tells her students. And Janine. She knew what she had to do. She had to tell Gerald that their marriage was over, and that it had been for quite some time. So that night when Gerald finally came home and found his wife sitting quietly at the table, face clean of makeup and eyes swollen, clearly anticipating his arrival, she needn't say a word. He already knew.
She would try to beg and plead her case with him, choking out sobs as she attempts to explain her love for Melissa, but he never said a word back to her. Kept his back to her the entire time as he packed his belongings up to leave and never come back.
As he carried his bags down the stairs to head out of their- her- front door for the last time, she throws her arms around his side, sobbing into his coat as she apologizes profusely over and over again.
Through uneven rapid breaths she whispers "please don't hate me..."
Heart shattering into a million pieces in his chest, he wraps his arms around the only woman he has ever loved and kisses her hair twice, telling her he could never hate her. That she was a good woman, the best woman. A perfect mother and the best wife Melissa could ever have.
Prying her arms off of himself in a final attempt to save the last brittle pieces of his heart, he kisses her wrists and shuts the door as he goes.
Turning around to violently slam her back against the door, Barbara starts sliding down it as her sobs overcome her once more.
Leaning over to lay on the floor as she cries uncontrollably, a panic attack grasps her by the throat and relentlessly squeezes as her world goes black. Clutching her knees to her chest, the weight of knowing she just gave up her former life invades every inch of her being.
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After spending the rest of the week and the weekend trying to get her affairs in order, she only has two things left to do: tell her daughters and talk to Melissa. Neither are going to be easy, but nothing in life ever is.
When she finally gets home after spending the day with her divorce lawyer, she looks at herself in the mirror and sees something she hadn't seen in a long time. Fearlessness. Swallowing thickly and practicing her breathing exercises, she picks up her phone and sends one text message: "Melissa, I would like to meet with you for dinner tonight if you are available. I think a talk between us is longer overdue, and I am so sorry to have kept you waiting for this long, sweetheart."
Sitting her phone down on the bathroom sink, she turns to go back into her bedroom to start getting ready, hoping that Melissa will want to see her. But when her phone dings nearly instantaneously and she reads what Melissa has wrote back, her nerves start twitching and her breathing becomes uneven.
"Actually I'm at your front door, so please open up".
But I'm coming back so strong