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Regulus had never been very good with words. Sometimes he feels like there was a secret manual on how to articulate your feelings that everybody had except him.
He’d been asked how he was feeling a lot lately, and he was never quite sure what to do with it.
Even the night he had been tortured he couldn’t have told you what he was feeling. Was he angry? Was he sad?
Whatever he was feeling, all he knew was that it was bad. And it wasn’t getting better.
The doctors had called it MDD. Major Depressive Disorder.
He supposed that sounded right. Everyone had said that made sense.
The doctor had asked him if he felt numb. Maybe he did, maybe that’s why he couldn’t describe what he was feeling for the life of him. But if he was numb, why did he feel all this bad inside of him?
The bad at his core where it ached and it ached. It hurt he supposed. That’s a feeling. One he knew well.
When the doctor came the first night he had painted the floor red, they had asked him how he felt when he did it. Regulus had blinked up at the man from the squeaky hospital bed and shrugged. There was no answer for that question. Not one that he would ever find.
They asked if he wanted to die. It was a strange question regulus’ supposed. Did he want to die?
Maybe. Maybe a little. But that wasn’t why he did it, no not at all.
He didn’t know why he did it, but it wasn’t that. He would never leave sirius behind. No matter how much the allure of death and peace called his name.
He’s not sure why he started, or why he couldn’t stop, but all he knows is that painting the bathroom red is what he does best. And no matter how much people wanted him to stop, he just couldn’t.
The potters were nice about it. They never complained about the hospital trips. The long nights in the emergency room. The psych evaluations and appointments. They said it wasn’t his fault. That they would be there through it all. Regulus feels the guilt in every inch of his soul.
He apologises for hours. But he cannot bring himself to stop.
James had once asked him if the pain bothered him. It had been a late night in the emergency room and regulus had found James awake and in the kitchen.
They talked for hours about nothing and everything. Regulus thinks it might have been the night he fell in love with him.
Eventually they had fallen silent and regulus began to pick at the bandage wrapping around his wrist, deep purple scars poking out from the white layers.
James had looked at him in such a way regulus knew there was something he needed to ask.
“You can ask, you know?” He told him.
Regulus didn’t normally like people asking questions about his ‘problem’, but this was james, and for some reason regulus knew he would answer anything asked of him.
James eventually seemed to work up the courage to ask as he took a sip of his tea he had made.
“Does it..” he hesitates, “does it hurt..like, a lot?”
Regulus sits in quiet reflection for a moment.
“I suppose it does” he speaks eventually.
James doesn’t force him to continue, he knows what it meant that regulus even answered his question.
Months will go by and regulus will not kick the habit. He will end up in the emergency room again, after painting the floor red. But this time, after it all, James will be there.
He will be there with a cup of tea and a gentle voice for when regulus cannot calm himself down enough to go to sleep just yet. He will be there every time.
One particular night, regulus is in the hospital for longer than expected. The sun will be rising when regulus and the older potters walk through the entry to the house, eyes drooping with sleep.
Effie stops just before she makes the trip up the stairs and pulls regulus into a hug. Regulus is cradling his arm to his chest but wraps the other arm around her instantly.
Regulus does not usually allow himself touch. But tonight he does. And James will smile at him kindly when he pulls away, gesturing to the couches where they have sat on many mornings like these before.
Moments later regulus is curled up on the couch , with a cup of tea and a blanket on his lap.
It didn’t take all too long for James to notice that tonight was worse some how, and that the way regulus’ face was red and the way his eyes were glistening with tears, were not simply tricks of the light.
In the end James only had to meet eyes with regulus before he dissolved into tears, quiet sobs loud in the quiet of the potter manor.
James ached as he watched the boy he loved hurt, and he wished more than anything that he could comfort him, as he slowly moved to sit next to the crying boy, fingers twitching as he ached to hold him.
All he could do was whisper quiet reassurances, hoping that regulus could hear him.
“You’re okay reg, whatever it is.. we can fix it. you’re alright”
Regulus continued to cry softly, rocking himself back and fourth as he cried, hand coming up to bite at his nails anxiously.
James sat with regulus as he calmed down, and as he eventually stood to grab regulus a glass of water, a hand grabbed his wrist.
“Please don’t go” regulus begged, arm holding James in place.
James simply smiled at the boy, sitting back down a little closer than before,
“Sorry love, was just going to get you some water but I’ll stay, it’s okay” the endearing term slipped out and james almost bit his lip after registering what he had said.
Regulus nods firmly at that, shaking his hands out infront of him as he calmed himself down a little further, then wrapping his arms around himself tightly, and squeezing.
James waited until he was done before speaking,
“Would you like a tight hug?” He asks a little self consciously, “it’s just that.. Sirius said sometimes big squeezes helped you and,” he hesitates “I don’t know it was just an idea”
James looks anywhere but regulus’ face, hit cheeks tinted pink, but out of the corner of his eye he manages to catch regulus nodding his head.
“Yes please” regulus hiccups quietly, and james immediately pulls him into his chest, squeezing as tightly as he could without hurting him.
They stay there for a minute before regulus pulls away, (James would never pull away first) a calmer look on his face then he had, had before.
The room is silent and james can almost hear his own heartbeat as regulus sat back, before he pushes himself into James’ side. The need for comfort overwhelming the voice in his head that told him he didn’t deserve it.
Regulus’ mind was screaming at him but he was screaming back louder. He wanted this, he deserved this. But his mind was loud. It always had been.
Eventually entangled with James on the couch, he let his head drop onto the older boys shoulder. Screw the voices, they had already taken so much.
The pair sat quiet until the birds sung and regulus got the confidence to speak.
“Do you think I should have a good reason to do this.. to,” he hesitates, “to hurt myself.”
James is silent for a moment.
“I think you’re in pain” he whispers eventually, and regulus nods against his shoulder.
“And- can I be honest with you reg?” A nod and a pause.
“I’ve scoured my brain for a reason you might do it, but in the end it’s just how you survive, and I think that’s reason enough”
Regulus feels a tear slip from his eyes and he wipes it away hurriedly, “you really think so?” He hiccups, and he finds a gentle hand against his own.
“Did someone say something to you tonight? You don’t have to tell me, but if you want to I’m here”
And regulus can feel the love he has for James grow a tenfold, he thinks it happens everytime he sees James, yet this time it’s different. He thinks that maybe James is the only one who might actually understand.
“They wouldn’t let me go until I told someone a good reason for why I do it” regulus whispers into the cool morning breeze, and he doesn’t know why he feels so safe around James, but what he does know is that he would answer anything he asked.
“That’s unfair, I’m sorry.” James whispered against his ear, and regulus tightened his grip on his hand. He knew James wanted to ask more, but wouldn’t if only to keep regulus like this.
Eventually, regulus let out a sigh, “you can ask, it’s okay” he whispers, fiddling with James’ fingers with his other hand.
James nods but stays silent for another few moments, deep in thought. Regulus takes deep breaths as he waits, felling calm in James’ presence despite the topic of conversation.
Eventually, James breaks his silence with a reassuring squeeze of his hands. “Can I ask what you told them?”
Regulus scrunches up his face, pulling away from James’ shoulder to look him in his eyes. And when he did, he didn’t find pity or disgust, he found the comforting gaze of someone who loved him very much. And so he continued.
“I know I might sound crazy here so just give me a minute to talk, okay?” Regulus murmured softly, anxiously fiddling with James’ hands in his own. James nodded his head softly, giving him a reassuring smile as regulus began.
“I don’t know how to explain how I feel. All I know is that there’s this pit inside of me that makes me do things I shouldn’t. And I know that sounds weird but I don’t know how else to describe it. I don’t hurt myself because I like the way the pain feels or because I feel like I deserve to hurt, I just do it. I don’t like blood. I don’t want to be like this. I just don’t know how to stop. Why am I like this james? What’s wrong with me?”
He’s crying by the end of it and james has carefully pulled him into his chest, rocking them back and fourth until regulus’ cries die down.
“There’s nothing wrong with you reggie I promise, you’re in pain and you’re trying your best to stop it, that’s all.”
Regulus is a mess of sobs, babbling different things but James can make out one repeated sentence.
“Something is rotten inside of me” regulus cries. “I have to find it and cut it out.”