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it was dark in the alley as remus lupin, teenage detective werewolf superhero, crawled through the night to find the worst criminal in hogwarts city. the man in question, figor farkarof, was a nasty man with a nasty temperament. he was known for his terrible pick-up lines and the fact that he wanted to destroy the city. and remus was going to stop him.
behind him, remus heard the sound of a trash bin being knocked over and a quiet 'ow!' that followed. luckily, it was blanketed by the sound of passing cars - remus only heard it because of his super senses. still, mary should've known better than to make mistakes like that.
"macdonald!" remus hissed.
"sorry," mary answered. "there was a cat, and- oh, it doesn't matter."
remus rolled his eyes. mary macdonald wasn't afraid of a lot, but cats still managed to put her on edge every time. it was because she'd lost her husband to a cat attack, many years ago. sometimes, she still had nightmares. "it's fine. just focus."
no reply came, but remus knew that she had heard him.
the two continued through the alley toward figor's lair, a dark and extravagant castle that looked ominous in the light of the moon.
remus shielded his eyes from the giant cheese ball in the sky. it was a full moon tonight. he would transform soon, and he needed to be in the castle before it happened.
"all right, the duck," remus squinted toward the giant spike wall that they would need to cross in order to get into figor's castle. "throw me in."
mary nodded, summoning up her great rage to breathe the strength that was her superpower.
mary picked him up by the leg. "ready?" she asked. remus nodded. she whirled him around and threw him over the wall. it had been years, but remus would never get used to this. it was like a carnival ride, an uncontrolled tilt-a-whirl. he landed with a thump on the other side. checking his ribs (after he went into battle with broken ribs once, he swore to never do it again), he stood up and whispered "all clear" into the comms unit.
there was a whistling noise as mary took her mighty leap over the wall and landed next to remus.
"that was easy," she commented. "you'd think a super villain would have a better security system."
remus shrugged. "maybe he's a welcoming person."
"he's a super villain," mary reminded him.
"maybe he's a nice super villain."
"he wants to destroy the city," mary reminded him.
"maybe it's a not nice city."
"you live in this city," mary reminded him.
"maybe i'm not nice."
"you're not."
"thank you."
"you're not welcome."
"you've wounded me."
"shut your llama and jet inside."
remus' heart heaved a heavy sigh. mary didn't welcome him. "fine," he answered, but he would never forget this moment.
they creeped toward the front door, which was wide open. of course it was. super villains often left their doors, however large and spiked, open for the heroes. it was common courtesy.
they continued in through the door, slowly, slowly, keeping their eyes peeled for any movement or sight of figor.
they did not see him until it was too late.
he was sitting in his throne, which was, of course, pink and constructed from melted doll heads and spaghetti. it was elegant and grand, just like figor. the lights flickered on and his laugh erupted from all corners of the room.
"hello there, puny heroes," he thundered. "i am figor farkaroff, and who are you?"
"i'm moony," said remus.
"and i'm the duck," finished mary.
"why the duck?" figor asked, confused.
"you know, like macDONALD DUCK," mary said in a thundering voice, sounding very much like r-dawg.
figor tapped the side of his head. "smart."
mary smiled in a triumphant way. "i know."
figor's smile dropped and remus laughed. what a silly thing for figor to say. of course mary knew that she was smart. she was the duck.
to his credit, figor recovered quickly. "why have you come here?" he asked.
"to stop your evil plans," remus answered.
"you are puny, how will you do that?"
right on cue, remus felt his body begin to tingle. it was wolf time. "you know why they call me moony?" he asked.
"why?" figor replied.
"because of this!" hair grew on his body. his teeth became canines. he became a wolf man.
figor shuddered in fear, but he did not back down. "fool!" figor answered. "you still cannot stop me. leave my castle."
"fine," remus said, turning to leave because figor was being difficult.
"wait, no! don't leave me, like my mother!" figor cried.
"wow," mary said. "mommy issues much?"
"many years ago," figor said, beginning his villain monologue.
"TRICK. she's old. i don't care," mary laughed.
figor made an enraged noise. "that's it! destroy the city!" the destroying machines began slowly driving out from the darkness. very slowly. like turtles. figor frowned. "faster!"
"this is the fastest they'll go," someone else answered. remus wasn't sure who it was, but that was fine.
"you take the machines and i'll take farkaroff," remus said.
mary nodded and hopped toward the machines. many people thought that she waddled, like a duck. but that would be ridiculous. she hopped like a rabbit, of course.
figor looked once again confused. "why is she not waddling?" he asked.
"that's ridiculous," remus answered.
figor made his offended noise. "well fight me then. square up."
remus put his square in the air like he just didn't care. figor screamed like a bull and charged.
this was boring. figor was not nearly as powerful a villain as folph festrange. remus yawned and bit into figor's neck as figor came close, injecting the werewolf curse into his veins.
"NOOOOOOOO!" figor yelled as he slowly shrank down, becoming a tiny flower atop a plate of spaghetti.
"ha. ha." remus answered. he turned to mary, who had already obliterated the machines.
"fast," he commented.
"it was easy. i pulled the plug." she gestured to the wall, where a plug was out of the wall socket. remus scoffed. there wasn't even an extension cord. what was this, amateur hour? "and then i smashed them."
that would explain the tiny smithereens of machine that were scattered on the floor. "good work, the duck," he said.
"thanks," mary answered. "you too."
and as the rosy stretch of dawn turned to the brightness of day, remus returned to his home and mary to her turnip garden.