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As a child he wondered what it meant. It was always used to describe him in some form, whether it be his personality, appearance, or circumstance. He wondered how a single phrase could describe so much of him, so he looked it up.
자연스럽지 않은 [unnatural]
- adjective
1. contrary to the laws or course of nature
2. at variance with the character or nature of a person, animal, or plant
3. at variance with what is normal or to be expected
4. lacking human qualities or sympathies; monstrous; inhuman
5. not genuine or spontaneous; artificial or contrived
6. obsolete. lacking a valid or natural claim; illegitimate
Although some of the words confused him, he knew there was something that wasn’t right with him. Boys weren’t supposed to like playing dress up; boys weren’t supposed to have doe eyes and pale complexions; boys weren’t supposed to be delicate and fragile.
He set out to be the most natural boy all of South Korea could ever have. He made a list.
Natural list:
1. follow all rules (even when he really didn’t want to eat all his vegetables), because then he would follow the “law or course of nature”
2. he would never do any harm to another person, animal, or plant (except for the things he eats, because he tried not eating and it gave him stomachaches)
3. he would act like a boy—no more dress up with his sisters, no more hand-me-down dolls, no more picking flowers (unless it was Mother’s day); now he will play sports with other boys, play with cars and robots, play in grass fields ignoring the flowers
4. he would have “sympathies” for everyone
5. he would be “spontaneous”
6. he would be “legitimate”
He wasn’t sure what all the words on the list meant, but he was determined to accomplish everything on the list. He thought that he’d come to know what it all meant when he grew older. For now, he’d do as much on the list as he could.
He pumped a fist into the air yelling, “Fighting!” and mustered as much enthusiasm a ten-year-old could muster.
For his efforts, he was rewarded with praise by his parents and neighbors. His inclination to please and follow their guidance endeared him to the older generations. His sisters especially liked that he was so compliant to their requests and made him into their personal servant. They weren’t cruel and demanding, but asked him more often than not to help them with household chores when they were otherwise occupied. He never made any complaints or played any pranks on them for it either, strictly following rules 1, 2, and 4.
At school, he was popular with the students and teachers alike. He was the model student, following rules and being responsible. Although he would sometimes respond to questions with strange answers, it added to his charm. The students, or at least the female students, liked his kind nature and found his quirks to be cute. They attempted to get as close to him as they could, but he never showed any of them preferential treatment much to their disappointment.
The boy students were of a different opinion of him. Some admired his steadfast perfectionism and his willingness to share his games, but a large portion considered him a thorn in their side. They couldn’t accept that someone like him could be so popular. What kind of guy looks like a girl and speaks as softly as one? Why did everyone like his stupid inclination to blurt out random things? What kind of guy is surrounded by girls all the time and doesn’t try to cop a feel? He was unnatural from the way he looked to the way he acted.
For all his determination to stick to the list, he was extremely tired all the time. The more he pleased his parents, the more they expected out of him. Adding to the pressure of being the most natural boy, his sisters’ requests ate up the time he could be relaxing. He didn’t begrudge them, but it was difficult to cope under that pressure all the time.
Acting like the perfect boy was very trying for someone who daydreams as often as he does. He might have fooled everyone else into thinking he was concentrating in class, but he often misheard questions and blurted whatever answer he could come up with on the spot. He needed to spend more time than others to keep his grades up, but girls never seemed to understand his need to study.
The boys were a complete challenge. He didn’t understand the contempt many of them held for him. Although some of them befriended him, the vast majority either ignored him or bullied him. Smirks greeted him whenever he tried to join in sports and players purposely antagonized him. Taunts of looking like a girl constantly followed him. As he got older, speculations of his sexual orientation joined the vicious insults the other boys threw at him.
However, none of those things exhausted him as much as keeping a part of himself a secret from the rest of the world. He knew that his inclination was definitely not normal, what he found attractive was unnatural for boys his age. He figured if he didn’t think about it, if he didn’t acknowledge it, it would go away as if it never existed. He worked himself into fatigue daily to escape this part of himself that remained stubbornly unnatural.
Through it all, he kept telling himself that it was all worth it. The pressure, the expectations, the barbs, the constant hiding; it was all worth it to be acknowledged as being natural. He would endure it all. If he could endure it all, he would be loved and find happiness. Love and happiness, right?
When he got into the most prestigious high school in Seoul, his family spent the entire weekend celebrating. They lavished him with praise and boasted of his accomplishment to neighbors making him red in the face with the many congratulations sent his way. At that moment he knew very clearly that his efforts were worth everything he endured.
It was arranged that he would live with a couple of his sisters also in Seoul for work or university, that way they would take care of him and the family could save money. The reality of the situation was that he ended up taking care of his sisters who were tired from working all day or studying all night.
He didn’t complain because enjoyed the freedom of living away from his hometown. Here in Seoul, no one taunted him for his unnatural beauty, no one questioned his strive for perfection, no one asked why he wasn’t interested in dating.
He didn’t fit in completely at school since he was a scholarship student, but the other students weren’t openly antagonizing him like they did in his old school. The students didn’t welcome him with open arms, but he expected that kind of treatment. He kept mostly to himself and was exceedingly polite to others when addressed directly.
It wasn’t until a couple of months later that other students began to warm up to his quiet charm and respect his tacit strength. He was made into the student body president and held responsible for organizing events around school.
His focus and busy schedule made him unaware of the reality under the surface. They weren’t viciously planning his downfall, but they were amusing themselves with his complacent nature. Although they were used to people bending to their demands, they’ve never had someone do so so willingly. Very slowly, they were testing his limits.
It was the muffled voices in the deep of the night that first attracted his attention. He was trying to sleep, but the persistent voices wouldn’t let him rest. Getting out of bed, he followed the voices hoping to ask them to continue their conversation in the morning.
Reaching the door to his sisters’ room, he raised his hand to knock only to pause when he heard his name. Stunned, he let his fist hang in the air while the voices continued to filter through the door.
“Freaking Jaejoong always gets everything just because he’s a boy!”
“I can’t believe they’re spending your college money for his schooling!”
“I know. I worked by butt off to get into SNU and now they want me to transfer to some college so they can get him a laptop1? What the hell does he need a laptop for? He’s only going to high school!”
“That’s ridiculous. We had to use the computers in the library. He can too!”
“I know right. I hate it! Why does he have it whatever he wants just because he’s a boy? He’s not even related to us! It’s not fair!”
He dropped his fist down to his side and quietly returned to his room. Once he reached his bed he collapsed on top of it making sense of what he just heard. ‘He’s not even related to us!’ He didn’t get back to sleep the rest of the night.
He was greeted at the door by both of his parents, faces drawn tight and expressions severe. He had expected this greeting for weeks now. He hadn’t been doing so well in school since he overheard his sisters’ conversation a month ago and his grades were starting to suffer from it.
“What have you been doing? Your teacher said you’ve failed a test again!” shouted his father.
“Hello to you too appa.” He also expected the palm that greeted his cheek, but it didn’t make it sting any less.
“What is the matter with you?! Get your act together. You can’t afford to lose your scholarship.” He stormed out of the apartment before his son could respond. His mother laid a comforting hand on his shoulder before following her husband out.
Releasing the breath he didn’t realize he was holding, Jaejoong slid down to the floor hugging his knees close. He willed the tears gathering in his eyes not to fall and focused on breathing deep.
It was around this time that the students at his school were starting to see his breaking point. He wasn’t the model student that the teachers used to dote on. He didn’t exude that charisma that used to come naturally from his smiles. He didn’t have that natural beauty he was known for.
Many shrugged it off, finding other people to interest themselves with. Some found his deterioration fascinating and continued to push him to the edge, wondering what he would look like when he finally broke. Whispers stirred the hallways, echoing that he was getting what he deserved for not understanding his natural standing in life. He didn’t belong with the elite. His unnatural beauty might have taken him this far, but his real capabilities were lacking. Getting left behind was natural for someone whose family background was like his.
He would never be one of them. He didn’t belong here. He wasn’t wanted here.
He heard and took it all in silence. It didn’t hurt any less and he began to question his list for the first time since he made it. What was the point? He didn’t belong anywhere, not in the suburbs he came from, not in the city. His family didn’t see him as one of their own despite it never being said out loud. He was still as unnatural as they came.
He took the list out and viewed each item again.
1. follow all rules (even when he really didn’t want to eat all his vegetables), because then he would follow the “law or course of nature”
He scoffed. Following rules didn’t necessarily mean following the course of nature. Nature had no rules to begin with, following arbitrary rules wouldn’t help him reach that.
2. he would never do any harm to another person, animal, or plant (except for the things he eats, because he tried not eating and it gave him stomachaches)
He followed this one well enough. What he got in return was still resentment from his siblings and a scarred heart for allowing them to hurt him instead.
3. he would act like a boy—no more dress up with his sisters, no more hand-me-down dolls, no more picking flowers (unless it was Mother’s day); now he will play sports with other boys, play with cars and robots, play in grass fields ignoring the flowers
He tried, but the boys never accepted him as one of them. He was always an outcast no matter how much muscle he built and how many points he scored in a game. He could act like a boy all he wanted, but he knew that he wasn’t like a boy in the whole sense. Boys weren’t attracted to other boys, no matter how manly or weak they acted.
4. he would have “sympathies” for everyone
This perhaps made his heart ache the most. He was prone to taking in other people’s pains if it meant lessening their burdens. He felt heavy with all of the bruises he carried with him.
5. he would be “spontaneous”
This rule made him even more unnatural in the eyes of others. Being spontaneous made others regard him as something strange and unusual; not something that they enjoyed.
6. he would be “legitimate”
He debated the meaning of being legitimate. Certainly he was “legitimate” in the way he assumed he was adopted. Who knew if he was a bastard or not prior to the adoption?
He wondered the point of continuing his life in this manner. He wasn’t happy, he wasn’t accomplishing his goals. Why did he persist? For once, he couldn’t convince himself it was worth the effort he put forth.
When the other boy confessed to him, he was utterly confused. Boys didn’t do that. Boys didn’t attract other boys, boys weren’t attracted to other boys. How could this person just do so with such confidence?
He was dumbfounded and couldn’t respond with consent or rejection; he was too caught up in the act to think about the results. Because of his inattention, he didn’t see the ugly look cross the other’s face. Before he even knew what was happening, he was pulled by the boy towards the ground. He landed on top of the other even more dazed by the change of his equilibrium.
A camera clicked in the background, capturing the compromising position that was bound to destroy everything Jaejoong had worked for.
He didn’t understand why he was called into the principal’s office a few days later, or the smirks that followed him out of the room. When he saw his parents waiting outside of the office, he knew what would follow would not be good.
He was seated between his parents before the principal pulled out the picture of Jaejoong lying on top of another student. The other student’s face was covered by his arm. Jaejoong only realized then he was set-up by someone.
The principal asked for the identity of the second student, which Jaejoong couldn’t give him because he honestly didn’t know the other student. He explained as much to the disbelief of the adults in the room. His explanations sounded incriminating to their ears.
The principal asked that he keep his vulgar activities out of school and his unnatural inclinations somewhere else. His scholarship was revoked and he was effectively expelled from the institute.
His father waited until they reached his sisters’ apartment before turning to Jaejoong and spat out “You’re no son of mine. For once I’m glad of that fact.” Shocked, he could only watch in silence as his father started throwing his belongings on the floor.
“Yeobo! What are you doing?!” his mother shouted.
“He’s no son of mine. Why should we house a stranger with our daughters?!”
“Yeobo!” his mother tried to stop her husband from destroying Jaejoong’s belongings.
“Fine!” he stopped throwing things and whipped around to Jaejoong again. “Jaejoong-sshi, we’d appreciate if you’d move out as soon as possible. In fact, do it tonight.”
The feigned politeness broke Jaejoong more than the anger ever could. He was only a stranger now. “Yeobo! You can’t just kick him out! Where’s he going to go?! What’s he going to do?!”
“I understand.” Jaejoong cut his mother’s protests off. “I’ll leave. Please give me a couple of days to move.”
“You have until the end of the week. I’ll come back to check then.” Without another wasted word, he left.
“Jaejoong-ah. I’ll talk to him, you know how his temper is. I’ll try to—”
“It’s ok um—” he cut himself off before he could finish. The hurt that flashed through his mother’s eyes made him ashamed.
“U-umma. I will always be your umma.” She took a hold of his hands, “Umma may not be able to do much, but you are still my precious son and I will always love you. No matter what.”
He tightened his grip and sobs wracked his whole body. “Umma, it’s true. It’s all true. I didn’t know who that boy was, but I-I like boys. Umma, what am I going to do? Umma…”
She held him close as he wept his years of secrecy and misery away, patting his head and letting her tears fall silently. There wasn’t anything she could do for him but give him love the best she could.
By the end of the week, he was packed and ready to move out. His sisters tried to keep him and his mother tried to convince his father to let him stay, but he was a man of his word. If he said he was going to move out at the end of the week, he would move out.
It was difficult finding a place since he was just a few years shy of the age of majority. He ended up selling his laptop to a college student in exchange for a place to live. Luckily the student felt bad for him, so didn’t ask for rent. He wasn’t in the habit of freeloading though, and sought a job. It wasn’t a glamorous place to work, but the night shift in the local convenience store was the best solution he could come up with.
As for school, he was lucky that the private school was held in high esteem. He was readily accepted into a local high school with just his transcript and didn’t need a letter of recommendation, not that he would have gotten one. If anything, he was glad that the elitist school didn’t try to dissuade the high school from accepting him as a student.
It wasn’t actually that difficult for him to make the adjustment to his surprise. He was already used to doing most of the household chores, so it wasn’t like he needed to learn how to be independent. When school started, his schedule didn’t present as much as a problem as he assumed. Since he was a bit ahead of the public school system, he didn’t have to waste his night studying like he did previously; instead he could work and not worry about his grades.
He wallowed in self-pity the first few weeks before his now-hyung punched him in the arm for being pathetic. “What’s the use of it? It’s not gonna fix anything. You just need to stop thinking and just have some fun. It seems like you’ve never learned how to have fun your whole life.”
Thinking about his hyung’s words, he decided that he would throw his list away and live without those rules. He’d followed them as long as he could and nothing good happened; in fact, he was unhappy, expelled from school, and essentially disowned by his father. If being “natural” wasn’t what the world wanted, then he’d do everything in his power to be “unnatural”. The society’s delicate sensibilities be damned, he’d live the way he wanted.
The next day, he got his first piercings in his ears. Eyeing the studs in his ears he felt a piece of himself change under the surface. He’d never considered doing something that was deemed unconventional by his father, but he realized how simple it was to shake off the unspoken rules applied to him. For once he felt like he was living life, not the half-life that he created for himself. He began to push all the limits he placed on himself.
His life continued as such for a few months. He got even more piercings, even ones not in his ears although those weren’t for public viewing. He flirted with the idea of tattoos, but couldn’t find one that he would want to keep permanently under his skin. His hair underwent several transformations, starting with the cut and eventually to the color. It was when he bleached his hair blond that he landed a job at the bar and lounge.
His job at the bar was much more interesting than he thought possible. The owner of the bar seemed split with what he wanted to do with the establishment, and so made the place with two separate environments. One side was for patrons that wanted a place to unwind and served food along with alcohol. The other side was for customers wanting to have a bit of fun after a long day. The two areas were separated by the kitchen and bar set in the middle of the bar.
Being underage as he was, he didn’t serve any of the alcohol. He was relegated to serving the limited food and snacks the bar offered and cleaning the place. This arrangement didn’t hide him from the drunken customers and they often chatted with the beautiful boy. He was exposed to all types of people at the bar that he never would have otherwise spoken to. From businessmen to college students to alcoholics to call girls to rent boys; he saw all types of people and those people never passed up an opportunity to attempt to get him drunk.
He learned that he had freakish tolerance for someone his age. He never let himself get drunk enough to get taken advantage of, but he understood the joys of riding a drunken buzz. He was bold and went to hotels with someone different every night. It was a pity no one he went to the hotels with could ever remember the events of those nights, because he never divulged any secrets.
He calculated every move and step he took in the “unnatural” direction. Although the teachers didn’t like his piercings or hair, they couldn’t fault him because his grades were still stellar. He wasn’t disruptive in class either, but he did take others’ attention away from lessons just by exuding his natural charms. He knew that this apparent oxymoron of being the rebel while doing well in school would confuse the teachers and their black and white views of “good” and “bad” students.
Parents were confused about him as well. He looked like a delinquent, so they assumed as much; but he was always there to lend a helping hand when children were lost or students needed tutoring. He looked like a spoiled brat with no respect for others, but he was always polite and greeted elders accordingly. He flirted with everyone, but never broke any hearts. His appearance made the parents want to “straighten” him out, but they found he was already a very independent and organized person.
Students were torn between liking him and being jealous of him. There was a constant buzz surrounding him; girls wanting to flirt and boys wanting him to pull favors. He remained rather elusive, however, choosing to converse with people at random and somehow knowing everyone by name. He was a mystery they couldn’t understand and while most were intrigued, others were wary.
His family situation became even more strained. His father, upon seeing his new appearance by chance, declared that he was relieved to be rid of such a disappointment. His mother kept silent, but he could see her shock at his transformations. His sisters tried to dissuade him from working at the bar, but he shook off their concerns. For all he loved them, he couldn’t help but feel distanced from them. He knew they resented him when he was part of their family and he couldn’t stand their pity when he was disowned. He himself resented them a bit for using them all those years for their convenience even if he knew they cared for him. It was a problem that he’d rather not think about most of the time. Distancing himself from his family would be better for him peace of mind, if not his heart.
He smiled prettily if not emptily at his new lifestyle. He was no longer in his cage, but he remained trapped in his determination to defy norms. Although it wasn’t as tiring was being the perfect all natural boy, it felt incredibly hollow at times. He questioned his choices. Was he happier than before? What was he doing this for? What was he trying to prove?
He’d lived “naturally” and was miserable. He’s lived “unnaturally” and was empty. He had no answers, only a life to continue living.