Chapter Text
New beginnings always filled Nozomi with a sense of excitement and anticipation, and starting university was no different. Along with several other friends like Natsuki and Yuuko, Nozomi enrolled in a university within Kyoto. Life as an undergraduate felt different from being a high schooler - she was staying on her own for the very first time, lectures were conducted in massive halls with hundreds of students, and the campus grounds were so much bigger in size. With her warm personality and natural charisma, Nozomi quickly integrated into campus life and formed many friendships in school.
Despite all this, for the first few weeks of university, Nozomi still couldn’t get Mizore out of her mind. The quiet and reserved Mizore who always clung onto her had enrolled in a music college in Tokyo, moving out so far away on her own, and Nozomi often worried about her. Would she be able to adapt in a new environment? Would she be able to get along with her coursemates? Would she make any friends?
To make sure Mizore didn’t feel lonely, Nozomi made it a point to send a text to her almost everyday. Most of the messages were trivial, like pictures of her meals or activities around campus, and Mizore always answered back with her own pictures or texts in response.
“- and then he said he wasn’t able to finish his part because he had a competition next week! Like, seriously? How is this a group project when I’m doing all the work?” Nozomi lay in bed as she talked to Mizore over the phone. They had conversations like these at least once a week, talking about their life in school and airing grievances if they had any. Most of the time, it was Nozomi doing all the talking though.
“That’s because you’re too nice, Nozomi.” Mizore responded placidly.
“I know, that’s what everyone says too.” Nozomi picked up a plushie on her bed and gave it a squeeze with her free hand. “But I’ve had enough, I’ll have to raise this to our course instructor tomorrow.”
“Mm.”
“Anyway, enough about me! How about you? I remember you mentioned you’re about to start preparing for the freshmen concert?”
“Yes, we’re performing Scheherazade .”
“Oh, that’s exciting! It’s going to sound so grand with the full symphonic orchestra!”
Most of the conversations between the both of them followed the same pattern - Mizore rarely talked about her life in music college unless Nozomi asked her for specific details. From what she could gather, amidst the technically demanding music programme, Mizore was coping well and managed to mingle with a few coursemates from the Kansai region as well. With the knowledge of that, Nozomi felt a sense of relief - despite letting Mizore fly so far away from her, she was able to survive and even thrive in her new environment.
Their first semester break arrived, and along with all her friends, Nozomi went back home to Uji for the summer. The four of them - Nozomi, Mizore, Yuuko and Natsuki - seized the opportunity to meet up as much as they could, catching up on each other’s lives after spending all that time apart. This evening was one of those days, where they gathered in Mizore’s room at her parents’ house, sitting around the low table and chatting over snacks and cold drinks.
“One more thing I wanted to mention!” Nozomi piped up. “Remember that percussion guy from my university’s amateur concert band? We’ve recently started dating at the end of the semester.”
“Oh, he asked you out?” Natsuki asked, popping a potato chip into her mouth.
“No, I did.”
“Wow, that’s pretty rare!” Yuuko commented, casually slapping Natsuki’s hand as she reached for her iced lemon tea. “I thought you’re pretty popular with the guys, so they'd be confessing to you instead.”
“He’s a bit more shy, so I made the first move.”
“Interesting,” Natsuki nodded. “So what attracted you to him?”
“He’s a nice guy, I guess?” Nozomi smiled bashfully. “Even though he’s soft-spoken, he’s really goal-driven and intelligent. Also, he's really cool when he plays the marimbas, hehe.”
Laughter filled the room as the three of them laughed at how silly Nozomi’s lovestruck giggle sounded.
“You’ve been awfully quiet, Mizore,” Yuuko interjected. “Not interested in this topic?”
Mizore briefly looked up from her phone - she had been playing her rhythm game on mute for the past few minutes.
“The event is ending soon, I just need to grind a few more tokens.” Mizore calmly responded.
“What do you think, Mizore?” Nozomi asked her directly. “About me dating him?”
Even though Nozomi and Mizore were nothing more than friends at that point in time, Nozomi approached the question with a hint of trepidation. She knew Mizore loved her dearly and was emotionally attached to her, and the idea that she was going to be someone else’s “special person” might be potentially upsetting to her.
“I’m happy for you, he seems like a nice guy,” Mizore answered, not looking up from her game.
Nozomi said nothing as she stared back at Mizore. Her expression was enigmatic as always - was she truly happy for her, or disappointed, or indifferent? At that moment, Nozomi hoped that Mizore’s words matched what she felt in her heart.
About four months and a half had passed since then.
The glow of the moonlight peeked through the clouds, faintly illuminating the park bench below the student accommodation blocks. Nozomi sat on the bench alone, staring at a message she had just sent to Mizore a few moments ago.
“Are you free for a 5 minute video call right now?”
Not long after, a reply came in.
“Yes”
Nozomi rang Mizore, and she promptly picked up.
“Hey Mizore- Ah! Are you busy right now? Sorry to disturb you, I didn’t know you still had rehearsals at this hour!” Nozomi quickly noticed that Mizore was taking the video call in her music college campus.
Mizore shook her head. “It’s alright, we’re on a 15 minute break right now, so I have some time. What’s the matter?”
Nozomi forced out a weak smile. “Nothing really, I just wanted to hear your voice.”
“Hm, you’re all alone? Not with your boyfriend?”
Nozomi’s lips trembled for a moment. “We’ve… just broken up.”
“Really? Why? What happened?” Mizore was visibly concerned at what she had just said.
“Don’t worry, it was an amicable break-up,” Nozomi explained. “As we dated, we realised we weren’t compatible with each other. We didn’t have much in common to talk about other than concert band, and our values and goals in life are vastly different. For example, he’s determined to go abroad to pursue his doctoral studies and stay put overseas, doing research full-time. But at this point, I’m not sure about my own future and whether I’m willing to stay abroad long term with him, so we decided to end the relationship to avoid further heartbreak.”
Mizore listened in silence, nodding along as Nozomi spoke.
“Nozomi, are you crying?”
“Crying? Of course not-” It was then when Nozomi realised the tears that had involuntarily streamed down her cheeks the entire time. She wiped those tears away with the back of her palm. “Well, just a little, perhaps.”
“Um… If you’ve said so, it’s the best choice for the both of you, even if it hurts right now…” Mizore tried her best to offer her some comfort, despite being awkward with her words. “I’ll be there if you want to talk, okay?”
Nozomi sniffed. “Thank you for listening, Mizore. That’s all I really need right now.”
As the semesters and years passed in university and Nozomi started to get settled into university life, she and Mizore became used to their distance and gradually reduced their weekly phone calls, till it averaged to once a month - it always revolved around the same few topics anyway. Nonetheless, they still maintained a close friendship, rarely going for more than a few days without hearing from each other via text messages.
Their final semester of university was fast approaching, and Nozomi found herself being consumed by the anxiety of the job hunt before graduation. Needless to say, during their final semester break in Uji, this was the topic on the forefront of her conversations with Mizore when they met up in person.
“How about you, Nozomi? What are your plans after graduation?”
“Well, I’ve sent in a few applications for graduate positions to companies mostly in the Kyoto metropolitan area. Though, there's this one position that I’m really hoping to get.”
“Really? What is it?”
Nozomi pulled up a webpage on her phone and excitedly showed it to Mizore. “It's in an international consulting firm. They have an office in Tokyo of course, but the role I applied for is in the Osaka office.”
“So you’re willing to find a job outside of Kyoto?”
“Well, Osaka’s a much bigger city, so there are way more opportunities there. Seeing you aim to become a professional musician, I couldn't help but be inspired to aim for greater things for myself as well.”
“Then why not… apply for a role in the Tokyo office?” Mizore gripped the hem of her sweater.
Nozomi knew what Mizore was trying to imply as she said those words. “I did consider the role in Tokyo, of course - it’ll be great if I could join you there. But I thought I had a better chance with the Osaka office, it's definitely less competitive than Tokyo by a long shot. Also, since Osaka is closer to Kyoto, travelling back home to visit my parents will be more convenient too.”
Nozomi watched as Mizore the brief glimmer of hope in her eyes faded away, replaced by a polite smile. “I see, all the best. I hope you’ll get the job.”
After the gruelling process of online assessments and several rounds of interviews, Nozomi finally received the news she wanted to hear - she got the consulting job in Osaka. New city, new job, new opportunities - it filled her with trepidation at first, but the thought of starting a new chapter of her life in a completely new environment also filled her with excitement.
Moving to Osaka was overwhelming for Nozomi in the beginning. Compared to the rich, historic culture of Kyoto, Osaka was loud, bustling and filled with dense skyscrapers, much more so than the Kyoto city itself. Being one of the few people she knew in her friend circles that relocated to Osaka for a job, Nozomi had to get used to being alone and building connections from scratch again. Of course, joining the graduate program in her company meant that she was able to form friendships with other fresh graduates her age, but these friendships felt nothing like those she formed in high school and university. After all the team dinners and drinks at the izakaya , they rarely hung out with each other on weekends or outside of work-related activities. They were colleagues after all, and everyone kept their personal lives separate, Nozomi included.
Nozomi wasn’t completely alone in Osaka though. Knowing that she was moving out to the city for work, a university senior introduced her to a mutual friend, an Osaka native who lived and worked in the same city as her. She formed a quick friendship with him, but soon, one thing led to another and they eventually started dating each other. In fact, when Nozomi went back to Uji during the extended Golden Week holidays, Hiro even followed her along for the first few days of her trip.
It was the final night of Nozomi’s trip back home to Uji. Hiro had gone back to Osaka a few days prior, leaving Nozomi to spend the remaining time with her Minami Middle school quartet friends at a family restaurant.
“Nozomi, about your new boyfriend…” Yuuko quipped.
“So how do you find him?” Nozomi asked. Just a few days prior, the four of them had met up for lunch, and Nozomi took the opportunity to bring Hiro along to introduce him to them.
“I don’t know…” Yuuko muttered. “I didn’t know guys like him were your type?”
“What do you mean?”
“He’s kind of flashy, don’t you think?” Natsuki interjected. “A bit too loud and glib. He seems like a guy that flirts with girls way too much.”
“Really, is that so?” Nozomi rubbed her chin pensively. “I thought people in Osaka tend to be on the loud and outgoing side, so it’s not just him.”
“He’s the total opposite from that guy you briefly dated in university though,” Yuuko continued, then glanced at Mizore sitting diagonally across her. “And also…”
“He’s really nice to me.” Nozomi firmly replied. “Even before we started dating, he always looked out for me while I was alone in Osaka.”
“If Nozomi is happy with him, we should respect her wishes.” Mizore spoke, her voice soft and low.
“You’re always on her side, Mizore!” Yuuko responded. “Natsuki and I don’t mean to judge, but we come from a place of concern as long-time friends.”
“But Nozomi still knows him better than all of us,” Mizore replied.
Nozomi looked into Mizore’s eyes, silently thanking her. Ever since the topic of Nozomi’s new boyfriend was brought up, the tension between the group had become palpable, so she was glad that Mizore was the only one who didn’t express doubt or dissatisfaction towards him.
Nozomi didn’t realise it, but that dinner in the family restaurant would be the last time the four of them met up together like this in a long time. It was not due to any argument, falling out or ill feelings when they parted, but simply put, life had gotten the better of them. It was an inevitable fact - while Yuuko and Natsuki lived and worked in Kyoto city, Nozomi was based in Osaka and Mizore was in Tokyo. The distance between the four of them and their hectic schedules as young working adults meant that carving out time to meet became an impossibility, and so they settled with occasionally one-on-one meetups, which eventually lapsed into texts in the chat group every now and then.
As Nozomi picked up the ropes in her job, work gradually consumed her life. Working overtime was a common occurrence for her, and when she was not spending evenings in the office, she was at the local izakaya socialising with her colleagues. She would often arrive back at her small apartment completely deflated, wanting nothing but to sink into her bathtub and go to bed thereafter. Weekends often passed by in a flash too - when she was not busy running errands, buying groceries and cleaning her house, she sometimes found herself on her work laptop at home, catching up on emails and work even during her off-days.
At the same time, Nozomi continued her relationship with Hiro, though she always had that nagging sense of guilt within her that she was not putting in as much energy and effort as they both wanted in the relationship. She did try her best to meet their physical and emotional needs for the most part, but she was mostly too exhausted on weekdays, so she mostly could only squeeze a precious few hours on weekends to spend time together with him.
“You know, sometimes I feel like you’re married to your job and I’m the third party in this relationship,” Hiro sighed, playing with a strand of Nozomi’s tousled black hair as they lay in bed together.
Nozomi rolled over, drawing circles with her finger on his bare chest. “That’s just my personality for you. When I’m committed to something, I can’t help but to throw myself completely into it.” This was completely true, a trait she possessed since she was a young girl in her teens. If not, why would she have become the president of Minami Middle school’s concert band, or the principal flautist in her third year in Kitauji High school, or committed herself to a professionally demanding consulting job in her early twenties?
“I wish you had the same level of commitment to us, though.” Hiro whispered, nestling his head into the crook of her shoulders.
Nozomi gently nudged him away and slipped out of the sheets. “I’m sorry, but I have to go back first.”
“You have work to do? On a Sunday afternoon?”
Nozomi bit her lip and nodded. “I have a slide deck pending review with a senior colleague tomorrow morning. I’d still like to make a few finishing touches before that.”
With that, Nozomi picked up her clothes strewn across the sofa, changed back into them and left Hiro’s apartment for her own.
So when Nozomi found out Hiro was cheating on her for the first time, as much as it came as a rude shock to her, she also felt it coming all along deep inside her bowels.
It was a complete coincidence how Nozomi discovered the truth about his infidelity, just a little more than a year into their relationship. She was over at his place when she happened to see an incriminating chat message pop up on his computer screen, which he cared not to lock when he left for the bathroom. It was a rookie error, really, turning on notifications on his desktop knowing that he had been exchanging flirtatious messages on his messaging app with several girls behind his girlfriend’s back.
Nozomi confronted him about those text messages of course, which he desperately tried to deflect. But his empty words were futile no matter how much he tried to explain - the evidence was as clear as day.
After a heated argument between the both of them, Nozomi stormed out of his apartment, deciding to end things between the both of them. Tears streamed down her face as she mulled over their exchange on the train back home. However, instead of anger, the emotion that overcame her the most was an overwhelming sense of shame and guilt. If she had listened to him more often and prioritised their relationship over her work, perhaps he wouldn't have looked to other girls to fulfil what she couldn't provide to him. Yet at the same time, she felt a sense of indignation - why would she have to sacrifice her own life and career aspirations just to keep him happy?
Nozomi thought back about her conversation with her high school friends in that family restaurant in Uji over a year ago. Natsuki and Yuuko’s intuitions were spot on. They had their reservations about him, and they all came true.
As for Mizore… Nozomi definitely knew Mizore was not completely convinced about her relationship back then as well. But Mizore was a girl who seldom spoke frankly about what was in her heart, and Mizore was also a girl who wanted nothing but to maintain the peace they had between the both of them as friends. At that moment, Nozomi desperately wanted to speak to her again. To hear her soft voice saying “It's okay, I’m there for you”.
Nozomi's finger hovered over the “send” button for a few moments, before she eventually deleted the text message she was about to send to Mizore. She was extremely busy, going on tour with her orchestra around the major cities in Japan. Why would she have the time to hear Nozomi cry about her failed relationship yet again?
Nozomi eventually did meet up with Mizore, just two weeks after that incident happened with Hiro. She happened to be in Osaka for the tour, and managed to catch her for lunch while in town.
As usual, Nozomi began to catch Mizore up on her life, which mostly revolved around her work. Mizore would typically quietly follow along, nodding her head as she listened. But this time round, as her conversations started to be peppered with corporate jargon and concepts foreign to a professional musician, Nozomi could sense Mizore’s eyes glazing over the more she spoke.
“Oh, I’m so sorry, I spoke too much about my work again!” Nozomi remarked sheepishly. “Let’s talk about something else.”
“Don’t worry about it. How are things going with your boyfriend, then?”
Words were caught in Nozomi’s throat. She hadn’t told Mizore about their falling out, and she was still under the impression that they were still happily together.
Nozomi stared back at Mizore. She looked especially elegant and refined with her immaculate posture, lightly permed hair, sipping daintily on her cup of hot earl grey tea. From the way she carried herself, it was obvious between the both of them who was the professional musician so used to the dazzling lights of the stage.
“Um, just the usual, we’re both doing well together,” Nozomi managed. A blatant lie. She did not know why, but she couldn’t bring herself to bare her heart to Mizore. Perhaps too much time had passed, and the distance between the both of them had grown since they had last met.
“That’s good.”
“How about you then, Mizore?” Nozomi leaned forward, quickly steering away from the topic. “Are you seeing anyone right now?”
There was a brief pause, then Mizore responded. “Nope, I still want to focus on my music.”
That lunch with Mizore was the last time Nozomi met her in person before they drifted apart. They did text each other occasionally, but conversations were often brief and mundane as they ran out of common topics to talk about, and eventually all they only exchanged were birthday and new year’s greetings.
In a move which she thought was extremely foolish in hindsight, Nozomi got back together with Hiro not long after their break up. He repeatedly apologised and begged her with tears in his eyes, and she eventually relented, thinking he was a changed man. After all, he was one of the few people in Osaka that she was genuinely close to, and she found herself still emotionally attached to him even during their time apart.
As the years passed and Nozomi got used to the humdrum of corporate life in Osaka, she felt that her relationship with Hiro was beginning to stagnate. Sure, they still regularly saw each other and they were comfortable in each other’s presence, but she always felt there was something missing between the both of them. Were they too used to each other? Or were they growing apart but they never actually realised it? Nozomi dared not broach the topic whenever they met, and Hiro avoided the conversation as well. Even as the both of them reached the age when most couples started to talk about marriage, the topic was never on the table for the both of them. They were treading a fine line with their relationship, and all it needed to take was a small nudge to push them over the edge.
And that push finally happened just shy of Nozomi’s 28th birthday.
“I’m coming over to your place right now.” Nozomi sent out a quick text message to Hiro as she walked to the train station after work. She originally intended to work overtime that evening, but with deadlines being pushed back by a week, she decided to leave office a little earlier and spend some time with Hiro. They hadn’t met for over a week, so she thought of surprising him by showing up at his place that evening.
Nozomi noted that her message was still left unread when she arrived at the train station next to his apartment complex. It didn’t surprise her - he had been tardy with reading and replying to her messages lately, and perhaps he was in the shower right now. She hoped she did not have to wait for long when she arrived at his unit.
Nozomi rang the doorbell. To her surprise, she heard footsteps and the click of the door almost instantly.
“Who’s this?”
The moment the door opened, Nozomi felt her stomach drop and the blood drain from her face.
An unknown female a few years younger than her had answered the door, dressed in one of Hiro’s oversized t-shirts.
“I’m Hiro’s girlfriend.” Nozomi responded coldly, forcing out those words from her dry throat.
The girl tutted, and turned her head back towards the apartment, hollering. “Hiro-kun, your girlfriend is here!”
Her head began to spin and Nozomi wanted to throw up. But she steeled herself and grasped tightly on the strap of her work bag till the whites of her knuckles showed.
Hiro came to the door, his hair in a tousled mess and his face pale as a sheet.
“N-Nozomi! Why are you here? I thought you were working overtime today?”
“We’re ending it here right now.”
After she said those words, Nozomi slammed the door to his apartment and stormed away by herself for the second time. Gone were those feelings of guilt and shame from the first time he cheated on her. As she ran back towards the train station, blood started to rush back into her extremities and she started to bubble with anger. Anger that he had wasted all these years of her life on a relationship that was built on lies. Anger at herself for trusting his empty promises and getting back with him after the first time. Anger at the both of them for continuing to be together even though there was no longer love in the relationship.
Nozomi wiped away the hot tears that threatened to smudge her eyeliner, but she didn’t care. She was going straight home anyway. In a time like this, she would have dialled one of her friends to complain, but she had none right now that she could really feel comfortable confiding in. Those that she was in recent contact with were emotionally distant from her, and those that she used to be close to hadn’t been in contact with her for ages.
She didn’t even think about calling Mizore, the one friend that had promised to always be there for her. Her last conversation with her was near the bottom of her chat logs - a message from years ago.
“Happy 25th birthday Nozomi.”