Chapter Text
The door slammed behind him as he stepped into the hallway of the dorm building. And that was when it finally hit him. Everything hit him like a truck and he felt himself break, stepping forward to lean against the wall across from the doorway as tears made their way down his face. How could he have been so wrong? He had thought that he’d finally gotten it right, he’d finally been happy…god, he had been so fucking happy.
“I can barely tolerate you.”
“You’re so touchy.”
“So needy.”
“I can’t believe you actually thought I could love someone with you.”
He slowly made his way down the hall, away from the rooms so he didn’t wake anyone. He bit his lip, trying to keep the sobs from emerging as he got back to the main entrance of the dorms. His hand had already gone to his phone and he was calling the one person he needed right now.
“Kuroo?”
“Bo--” Kuroo’s voice cracked, his chest ached. He couldn’t catch his breath.
“What’s wrong? Where are you!?” Bokuto was immediately concerned and Kuroo heard Akaashi’s voice as well, “Kuroo, what’s wrong?”
“Can I come over?”
“Of course you can.”
“Okay.” The walk was slow and he had to keep wiping his eyes so he could see the sidewalk in front of him. Soon enough, he was right outside Bokuto’s apartment and the other boy was opening the door for him, eyes wide in shock when he saw him. Kuroo had a feeling he didn’t have to explain himself…he could tell from the barely contained anger on the other boy’s face that he knew that something had happened between him and Kei. But thankfully, that wasn’t what his best friend started with. Instead, Bokuto grabbed him and pulled him into the tightest hug he’d ever gotten and Kuroo clung to him like he was the only thing keeping him afloat since he’d fallen off the boat. He couldn’t hold the pain back anymore and he cried, burying his face in his friend’s shoulder, soaking his t-shirt in tears but the other boy didn’t move away. A hand came to hold the back of his head and the other one rubbed his back.
“Akaashi…can you get a blanket from the closet?”
“Yeah…shit….”
A few minutes later, Kuroo was on the couch with both of them, sitting in between them with a blanket over his shoulders. Everything hurt….he just didn’t understand. How could Kei be such a good actor that he’d faked everything? How could he feel so strongly about hurting Kuroo that he’d go through all that? He’d won though. Kuroo was broken, he knew he was. There was nothing left of him. All of his pieces had been picked up and put together by Kei, only for him to be the one to shatter them all again when he felt like it. And it destroyed him inside.
Kuroo had loved him….he still loved him, that was the worst thing. He had fallen so hard for the blonde, had been head over heels in love with him since he met him…and he had really thought that the other boy had felt the same way. Every touch…every kiss…every moment they’d spent together…all his memories with him had been destroyed. His breaths were hitching in his chest and he could feel the panic attack starting to rear its ugly head. He hadn’t had one in so long, but his vision was blurring and his breaths were picking up. He couldn’t get enough air. He was too much, too much…too much. He was always too much. But Kei…oh, Kei had been wonderful. He’d been everything in Kuroo’s light, his sunlight, his moonlight, the person that Kuroo wanted to spend every moment of his life with…Kei had been his boy…and Kuroo had been his…and now…now they wouldn’t be a damn thing….
“Kuroo….,” Bokuto’s hands gripped his shoulders, “Tetsurou, come here…back to me, bro….I’m right here…you’re safe…it’s alright…”
Kuroo blinked a few times and realized that his fingers were digging into Bokuto’s arms as he gripped onto them while the other boy pulled him out of his panic attack, “S-Sorry…”
“It’s okay,” Bokuto said softly and Kuroo glanced up at him, realizing the other boy was crying too, “God, Kuroo, I’m so sorry….”
“What happened?” Akaashi asked softly.
“It wasn’t real,” Kuroo said softly, “None of it was real…he just…I don’t understand I….I told him I loved him and he…he said….all these things that he hated about me, that it was never about us being together, that he thought I was too clingy and too touchy and too…..too much…”
Bokuto clenched his jaw, “I’m going to kill him….”
Kuroo swallowed hard, “I thought we were happy…I thought…I thought he felt this way about me too….I don’t understand what changed….what happened, Bo? Did I….Did I do something wrong?”
“No, no you absolutely did not,” Bokuto hugged him again, “Absolutely fucking not. This is not your fault, Tetsu….”
They talked…trying to come to understand everything and by the time they finished, it was one in the morning and Kuroo was exhausted. They still didn’t understand any of it, but they were too worn out to continue talking. Kuroo was leaning into his friend, head on his shoulder, face finally dry because he couldn’t physically cry anymore. His eyes were half closed and he was only half listening to Bokuto talking to Akaashi about something. The group chat he had with the guys lit up with text messages but he didn’t have the energy to check. Tsukki hated him. He hated him, and Kuroo didn’t know what he’d done wrong to make him feel like that…but right now, all he wanted to was go to him, curl up in his arms and wake up the next morning with it all being a bad dream. That was the thought as he dozed off…all of this was just a nightmare….and he’d be okay in the morning.
……
But it wasn’t a nightmare, it was real, and it was awful. There were no texts, no teasing, no dates, and Kei didn’t show up for volleyball practice. The rest of the guys knew now, it had been a few days. He still felt sick to his stomach every time he thought of Kei, which was a lot. Everything reminded him of Tsukki. The hoodie hung in his closet, the keychain laid on his desk, taken off his keys. The pictures on his phone were still there….he couldn’t bring himself to delete them. He and the guys had unfollowed him on Instagram. He didn’t want to see any of it….didn’t want to see him. There was still a box of strawberry pocky in his car that he kept in case Kei wanted to eat while they drove wherever they were going.
Not even volleyball could help him. The spring tournament was getting closer, and Kuroo had been planning on having Kei play with him on his team, but he couldn’t even think about that anymore. There was no way they would ever be able to play as a team again. He had to throw himself into working with Lev. Thankfully, the university team came by to play games with them so they had good practice…and he was surrounded by his closest friends. He spent a lot of nights at Bokuto’s, who was completely fine with it. Akaashi was cool with it too, and he really appreciated them. He needed company.
“Ah, shrimpy,” Kuroo approached him, “Your tall friend who came by to watch….is he coming back?”
“Ah, I dunno,” Hinata shrugged, “He doesn’t really like volleyball. He said he used to play though. I told him to! But I don’t think so…”
“Ah…no worries. Could definitely use another strong blocker on the team though…let him know there’s a spot open for him if he wants it….”
What a mistake that had been. He should never have expressed his interest. He never should’ve kept asking after him….and he never should’ve pursued this….even if it had made him happier than he had ever been. He organized the matches for the day and then stepped back on the court to play with Oikawa and Iwaizumi as he usually did. They were playing Bokuto and some of the other university guys. His head wasn’t really in it, but he tried hard not to think about the ache in his chest, as hard as that was to do.
“Tetsu…”
“Hm?” Kuroo mumbled as he felt fingers slide through his hair. He glanced up at the blonde who was watching him.
“You fell asleep in your notecards again.”
“I can’t help you’re just so comfy…” he smiled as he watched Kei try and resist rolling his eyes, “Besides, I studied all morning.”
“Then why did you call me for a study date?”
“I really just wanted the date part.”
“You don’t have to trick me into going out on a date with you, you know.”
Kuroo grinned up at him and leaned up to kiss him, “I know….”
He was drawn out of his thoughts by the echoing sound of a spike and the ball hitting the wooden floor with tremendous force. He glanced over, watching Wakatoshi, straightening up, glare on his face, and he frowned, glancing over to where the ball had gone and stopping in his tracks. Oh….Oh no. Why was he here? The gym was silent as Kuroo watched Kei keep moving. And then Iwaizumi lost it, storming past Kuroo and towards the blonde. Oikawa hurried after him, trying to grab him and hold him back but the other boy was having none of it.
“I can’t believe I trusted you! I can’t believe I fucking helped you! How could you use me like that?! I gave you information on him because I thought you fucking cared! You used me to hurt one of my best friends, I should fucking--”
Kuroo swallowed hard when Iwaizumi’s voice broke and Oikawa grabbed him, pulling him into a hug and turning them away. Bokuto had already moved to stand closer to him. He wanted to look at Kei…wanted to see if he could see any break in his face…something that would tell Kuroo that things would work themselves out somehow….please….please let them fix this….but he couldn’t. So he kept his eyes on his shoes.
“Kuroo--” Kei’s voice broke his heart and Kuroo bit his lip. He would not cry…he would not start crying in front of him again.
“You should go,” Bokuto said, shifting to stand in front of him and Kuroo was thankful the other boy was talking for him.
“I just need a min--”
“Go. Now.”
It was silent and then Kuroo heard footsteps retreating, the door opening and closing and Bokuto let out a sigh of relief, turning to put his arm around him, pulling him close. Kuroo leaned into him gratefully, taking a deep breath of his own. He hadn’t expected to see him here today….it had brought everything flooding back.
“Let’s split up and work individually for a while,” Bokuto called out, even though it wasn’t his team, but the other boys nodded immediately and got to cleaning up and then dividing out among the courts. He grabbed his water bottle and took a drink, letting out a shaky breath and running a hand through his hair. He couldn’t keep doing this. Just seeing Kei had that effect on him. His best friend glanced at him and then crouched in front of him, “Kuroo…”
“I can’t keep doing this, Bo,” Kuroo choked out and he heard the noise in the gym die down again as all the attention turned to them but he couldn’t even be bothered to care, “I can’t keep seeing him…I can’t…”
“I know…,” Bokuto frowned and settled on his knees to reach up and hug him, “I’m sorry, man…”
Kuroo dug his fingers into the other boy’s jersey, holding tightly to him for a moment. He hated how fast Kei had broken him apart. Kenma had hurt a little bit when they broke up…but it had been for the best. The two of them dated because they knew each other forever and thought maybe their friendship might be something more. It wasn’t and that was okay. They were still friends and Kuroo was kind of happy to see Kenma looking so happy with Hinata. And then he’d met Kei….and oh, Kei had been wonderful for him. He was angry and annoyed at everything Kuroo did and Kuroo had never fallen in love so fast. But he held back, just enjoying their outings as friends, while all his friends insisted that the blonde had a huge crush on him when he wasn’t around. He didn’t believe them.
And then Tsukki kissed him outside the gym and Kuroo had felt like his heart was going to explode. He’d done everything he could to learn about what the other boy liked and then took him out to the museum and watched him the whole time. And he got to see Kei smile and laugh and actually enjoy himself and Kuroo knew that if the other boy had gotten down on one knee and proposed to him right then and there, he would’ve said yes. Because he wanted to be the one to make Kei smile every single day of his life.
He’d done everything he could for Kei, and got so much of it back to him that he couldn’t believe how perfect of a boy he’d met…only to have it thrown away in one stupid argument…one huge misunderstanding…one stupid plan…to break his heart….and oh, Kei…you did such a damn good job. Kenma had told him what happened. It only made it hurt more. Nothing from the other boy’s point of view had been real. They were all a means to an end and Kuroo….he’d never felt so gross and used. How could he fake all of that? Kuroo had sworn that those moments between them were real…but here he was…alone, hands shaking as he gripped the water bottle in his hands and everyone in the gym stared at him, waiting to see what his next move would be….and Kuroo didn’t know.
He’d loved Kei. He’d loved him for so goddamn long and it had been thrown away and he’d been such an idiot to believe that anyone could care for him like that because he had friends but he’d never kept a boyfriend for that long. Tsukki had been right. He was clingy and needy and no one could ever deal with that forever. He was the captain of this team…he had to keep his emotions in check…they were relying on him and counting on him to be their rock. And he always had been. He always had been the one to be there for every single one of them when they needed him and they returned the favor the few times he needed them in return. He’d always kept everything bottled up and shoved down because this is what he needed to be for them. But the silence in the gym was deafening and his thoughts were drowning him. But he wasn’t panicking…
“GOD FUCKING DAMMIT,” he threw the water bottle he had at the wall, his voice and the sound of it hitting the wall echoing around the silent gym. He kicked over the chairs sitting at the side of the court he was, each one falling and hitting the hardwood with another clang in the silence. The cart of volleyballs next to him was the next victim, tipping over and all the balls rolling over the floor, and then arms wrapped around his waist pulling him back against his best friend.
“Kuroo…”
“Get off me!” Kuroo snapped, struggling in his grip, “Get OFF, Koutarou!”
Bokuto tightened his grip a little bit, leaning his forehead against Kuroo’s back, “No.”
“Goddammit, listen to me,” Kuroo managed. He wasn’t going to cry. He was angry. He was pissed. What had he done to deserve this? “LET GO OF ME.”
The grip loosened on him and he jerked away from him, breathing hard. He could barely see but he wasn’t letting the water in his eyes fall. He wouldn’t. Not anymore. He’d hold it in…that’s what he had to do. It’s what he always did. He knew he was making a scene, but he didn’t care. He was angry and upset and heartbroken. He lashed out, aiming for whatever was closest to hit which happened to be the net post and he winced at the ringing of the metal. His knuckles ached from the impact but it was such a small pain compared to what he was feeling right now. He clenched his jaw, the row of chairs on the other side of the net meeting the same fate as the ones he’d kicked over earlier and he reached up to hold his hair, fingers pulling on it harder than he should. It hurt…but there had to be something that could take his mind off this pain he was feeling.
A hand settled on his shoulder and without even thinking about it, one hand swung out in a wild punch only to be caught in the grip of the same person holding his shoulder. He glanced over his shoulder to see Ushijima Wakatoshi standing there, holding his wrist and his shoulder with light but firm grips. The other boy’s expression was soft, a little sad. Kuroo didn’t need pity, he didn’t want pity. He wanted to be angry because that was easier than being sad. All he could hear was his heavy breathing, echoing in the gym while everyone watched him lose his mind. He tried to shove the other boy away with him, but it turned into him hitting him half-heartedly as he tried to get away from him.
“Get off me, Toshi,” he managed. The other boy didn’t say anything, but he didn’t loosen his grip on him either, “Just let me fucking do this!”
No response and for once Kuroo wished he would just say something so Kuroo could get angry at him for it. He hit him repeatedly, fist meeting the other boy’s chest several times as he tried to pull away.
“Let me GO. Let me go! Let me g--” his voice broke and the tears finally spilled over again, as he squeezed shut. The grip loosened on his wrist and both his hands came up to try and push away from him but a strong arm wrapped around his back and pulled him against the ace.
“I know.”
It was said so softly, in his deep voice, and he didn’t know. He didn’t know a goddamn thing, but all it took was those two words to make the fight leave his body. He felt someone else hug him tightly from behind, and he figured it was Bokuto. Then there were more. Akaashi, Oikawa, Iwa, even Tendou. And Bokuto was crying, and so were Iwa and Oikawa and Kuroo couldn’t hold it back anymore. It was ugly and it echoed across the gym just like everything else but his chest was tight and he could barely get any air as he sobbed into Wakatoshi’s chest. There was nothing to say, there was nothing to do…no one could pull him back from how far he’d fallen. His hands reached for his friends as they grabbed at his fingers but it was too late. He’d already fallen and shattered into a million pieces. Like broken glass.
And he never should’ve fallen in love because love was stupid and painful and the worst thing that had ever happened to him. He didn’t want to even think about doing it ever again. How could he after this? Maybe Tsukki had never loved him, but not only had Kuroo’s love been misplaced, but his trust was too. He’d trusted Kei with things that he’d barely told anyone else. And the other boy had taken that and used it against him to break his heart. It was awful, that when the other boy had walked into the gym today, he’d hoped, just for a moment, that it really had been a bad dream. That Kei was going to come back to him and they could be happy…and Kei would tell him that he loved him…but no. No, it hadn’t been a nightmare, even though it felt so much like one. The horrible thing was…Kei’s feelings for him might’ve been fake, but Kuroo’s weren’t. Every single thing Kuroo had done, he’d done from his heart for the other boy. Everything about them was real to him, and the realization hit him as his breath hitched in his throat while he buried his face in Wakatoshi’s chest.
“I still love him.”
“I know.”