Chapter Text
“Sunday, you can’t be with a man no matter what. The harmony will reject you if you do so Sunday. You can’t throw away our reputation and status for a boy. Everyone will see what you do and everyone will know everything if you try to keep it a secret.” That’s what my father told me when I was younger. I couldn’t be with a male in any circumstance. Unluckily for me, it’s the only rule I have ever broken.
I obey every other rule my father tells me to follow except for this one. I only seem to have found an interest in men. I don’t know why or how this has come about but I do. Master told me to be a gentleman to these ladies so they’d like me better and that I would find a wife. But, I just can’t seem to bring myself to like women romantically. I never knew why I don’t just that I never have.
I walk around the dreamscape and look around myself. No one talks to me because they’re scared of me or because I’m the head of the family. No one but these two can’t seem to leave me alone. Aventurine from the IPC and Dr. Ratio from the Intelligentsia Guild.
The two are together and I know that, but there’s still a mystery to them. Aventurine is clingy and somewhat of an outgoing person. Ratio however enjoys having his own piece of mind and being alone in general. I don’t understand how the two got along or even managed to get together in the first place but it just happened. I remember the day clearly, Ratio ratted Aventurine out of his tactics and I was able to send him to a death sentence. For that reason alone I can’t seem to fathom how they got together.
I hate my guts for this but I really do like the two in a romantic sense. They’re easy to be around and they aren’t scared of me. They enjoy my company and they always include me in activities or just walking around. I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me though. I would always think that they’re only hanging out with me because they know I don’t have many friends or any social circle to be in. Although it’s true, I believe that’s not the reason they like to be around me.
I beat myself up every time I’m around them though. I let my guard down around them and let myself be free. I’m able to speak my mind freely and laugh with them. I can express myself without being scared that I’ll be shut down immediately. I can show them my interests and how talented I truly am. They believe I am talented and do ask me sometimes why I don’t show my talents to the world like my sister. It’s hard to explain to them why I can’t do all the same things as Robin. If I were to tell them though, would it be worth it? No, I can’t tell them about how I’m not as free as her. It would show them how messed up and cruel The Family truly is.
Why I’m not meant to be free is a different story. I wasn’t meant to be free at all and I didn’t understand why when I was little, but now I do. Birds are free because they can fly right? Well I’m not one of those free birds. I’m stuck on the ground and can’t fly up at all. If you’re asking why I feel this way then the answers are simple. My wings are clipped. It’s not the situation of where they’ll grow back. They won’t and they can’t grow back at all. I can’t learn how to fly because I can’t get off the ground. So again, I can’t be freed because my wings aren’t big enough for me to spread and fly with.
I’ll look in the mirror looking at my too-small wings and remember the exact moment. "Father, please! Don’t clip my wings! How will I be able to fly!” Tears running down my face as I was held down by these large men I don’t recognize. “P-please! I want to fly with Robin! I want to fly with my sister as well!”
My mouth was forced shut, I was silenced by a hand that nearly suffocated me. The white glove on my mouth that was also blocking my nose almost stopping me from breathing felt itchy and uncomfortable. I then heard the clippers cutting my wings. I felt the pain of the clippers cutting too close to me. It hurt but I couldn’t scream, yell, or shout. I struggled to leave their grasp but they were too strong against my small fragile body. It was hopeless anyway. I was a little boy with no room to speak or have opinions of my own. Once they finished tears were dripping down my face and I was sent to my room never to speak about it again.
Once Robin did see my wings clipped and she looked horrified for me. I reassured her it was my decision even if I was forced to do so. Master told me that I had to maintain Robin's happiness and in doing so I had to clip my wings. He said it could show her that I could be alone and that she could soar out into the world without me. I hate that analogy now and I won’t ever understand what he meant.
Father told me I wasn’t destined to be a star like my sister was. I loved painting when I was younger but I was told to stop focusing on my silly dreams that weren’t gonna happen. I cried when father told me that. Why could Robin pursue her dreams and I can’t? Why do I have to be the one to be the head of The Family? Why do I have all of the responsibility? Why do I have to be this person I’m not for the world who barely gives a shit about me? I always thought it was unfair but now I do know that I was meant to be where I am today.
I heard my phone buzz on my desk. I walked to it and looked at who it was that texted. It was Aventurine, I found myself smiling at my phone for no apparent reason and frowned at myself. Why was I smiling at a message from a stupid guy I can’t be with? I’m smiling at a text from the senior manager of the IPC. Am I truly so blinded by this guy that I can’t think with my head but only with my heart?
I started breathing heavily at the thought of this. Why was I smiling around him in the first place? Why do I even let my guard down around this gambling blondie that doesn’t give a damn about this world! Why would I even think about him? I can’t fall in love with him, I just can’t! The harmony would never accept me if they knew! I can’t love Aventurine, it’s a sin. Master told me this already, if I were to ever fall in love with a boy everything would be ruined!
I start hyperventilating at my overthinking. Why, why do I ruin my purity and my mind with this nonsense? Why do I keep trying to persuade myself that this whole thing is okay?
I then remember when I told father about my first crush. Father looked at me disapprovingly and slapped me. He dragged me to the priest and threw me at him. The priest had me pray and go to church every day to get rid of the demon that possessed me.
I was forced to go to a place that told me that what I was, was unacceptable. They looked at all the people that were similar to me with disgust. I didn't understand why it was so bad but I was scared into this mindset that it’s horrible.
I’m breathing heavily as I remember my childhood memories all over again. I grabbed a new blade and stabbed it into my hand. I didn’t feel anything but the blood dripping from my hand. The red that oozes out of my hand makes me wonder why it didn’t hurt me at all.
I picked up my phone and read the text, my eyes started to widen as I did.
Aventurine: Hey Birdie! So, Veritas and I wanted to stop by your place! Do you mind if we spend some time with you?
Fuck, Aventurine and Ratio want to come to my house?! I look down at my hand and I gasp a bit realizing what I just did. I quickly ran to the bathroom where all my first aid materials were and started bandaging it up. Once I finished bandaging up my hand I cleaned up the blood on my desk. I looked at the bloody mess and started crying. I’m so stupid for my actions.. Why was I so stupid to hurt myself over something so little and stupid like this?
I looked at my phone and sighed as I started typing.
Sunday: Yeah of course, just text me when you get here!
I look around my house and try to clean up any other mess I have around here. I’m not someone who has their purity whole and is kept safe from the world. I’m everything but if I can be honest. It should be obvious from the start due to everything that happened when I was little but I know people think about other things. I have my private thoughts of my own but I don’t act on them.
As I finish cleaning I sit on my couch waiting for the two to come over and text me whenever they would arrive. I’m minding my own business on social media and I come across a photo of Aventurine and Ratio together. A slight jealousy comes over me and I breathe in and out. I’m not jealous of them, of course I’m not! Just that they can be so free out in public. They can kiss and just be close without any repercussions! It just makes me so upset that I’d never have that freedom. I’d never have the freedom to do that with them..
I wish it would be easier for me to express myself. I stood up to my art room where only Ratio and Aventurine had been in and look at all my paintings. I go into the corner of the room where I find the paintings of the two of them that I drew in my free time. I swore to myself that I would only draw them once and that was it. But I couldn't help myself, I drew them separately, together, sometimes in the background of my other paintings. I don't know why I've grown to love them so much but I just do. It's shameful of me to do so but I can't stop. I've pushed them away but I've always gone back to them no matter what I did they never left my mind.
I look at my phone and see a notification from Ratio telling me that they're here. I cover all of my paintings and turn off the lights locking the room. I go to the door and open it seeing the two with a bouquet handing them to me. "What's going on..? Why are you giving me this..?" I was in utter confusion and worried for how this outcome would turn out.