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Kawase didn’t think he'd ever be the kind of person to “enjoy a nice stroll outside.” He hated wasting time, and he had a lot on his plate to fulfill.
This was one of many things that Kawase wasn’t used to doing, but being put in different situations has been more of the norm recently ever since he started spending more time with Minakami.
After a day of being cooped up in the university library, Kawase studying while Minakami read from the table across from him, Minakami suggested taking a break by going on a stroll together. Kawase wanted to scoff and ask “ What are we, old ladies? ” But he's gotten ahead on his work, and he didn't have anything better to do. So Kawase let Minakami drag him to even more unfamiliar territory.
Despite having known Minakami for most of his life, Kawase couldn’t ever say they were close. Sure,he had seen him naked and spent a lot of uncomfortably close time with him, but he couldn't tell you his favorite color, his favorite food, what his hopes and dreams were, his likes and dislikes. None of their conversations were riveting, and Kawase never bothered to try to get close to Minakami. It wasn't in his nature to want to get close to anyone.
But there weren't many people Kawase could call his friend. And even if Kawase found Minakami strange more than anything, that made him interesting to be around. Minakami was a freak and a weirdo, but at least he was a freak and a weirdo he felt comfortable with.
His only other “friend” was busy frolicking around with his new lover. Kawase’s disdain about their relationship was what connected him to Minakami in the first place a year ago. He wanted to know what Minakami thought about their relationship too, since Minakami also knew Tamamori since they were children.
“The nerve of that guy to act so entitled to Tamamori-kun, even though we’ve known him longer than he has.” Kawase spit out exasperatedly before taking a big puff of smoke and blowing it out, not caring at all about the other patrons in the cafe or Minakami across from him.
Minakami was hearing Kawase complain about them the entire time they were here in the cafe, while occasionally looking up from his book and making noises of confirmation that he was listening. At the last thing Kawase said, Minakami let out a chuckle and finally put down his book.
“Hikawa-san must have really captivated Tamamori.” Minakami replied amusedly. There was never a hint of malice or irritation found in Minakami every time he spoke about them. Not even sadness. It made Kawase think, especially since he knew about Minakami’s feelings towardsTamamori.
“Tamamori gets bored easily, but Hikawa-san is a genius in his field and also a fan of literature. There doesn’t seem like there would be a dull moment with him.”
“Pfft, what would Tamamori ever want with him?” Kawase sneered, “I bet he’s only using him for money and to get his stupid stories published.”
“They both seem like they’re very happy together. I think that's all that matters.”
It wasn’t like Kawase didn’t want him to be happy, but Tamamori ending up that guy was too unacceptable. He doesn’t understand why Minakami didn’t feel that way too.
“Well, Minakami, are you happy?” The question fell out of Kawase’s mouth before he could realize it.
“I am happy. Are you, Kawase?”
Kawase didn’t respond. But Minakami didn’t press him further about it.
It wasn’t like Kawase ever needed any company in particular, but after that, he found himself spending more time with Minakami without meaning to. He was just around since Tamamori no longer was. They went to classes together, ate meals together, drank alcohol together, and Kawase would even indulge Minakami everytime he asked him about his medical studies.
Kawase always hated that he could never read Minakami or even guess what he was thinking, especially since Kawase was normally really good at that with others. So, he took this time to learn and study Minakami as much as he could. Minakami was a different beast altogether since he was very reserved. Kawase would go out of his way to closely pay attention to things like how long it took him to read a page from a book, or how his face would react when Kawase purposely tried to provoke him with a variety of topics. Tamamori had always been his favorite person to watch and study because of the novelty of his reactions, but now Minakami became his favorite specimen. He enjoyed the challenge it took to examine him and take him apart in his mind. It’s important to know your enemy inside and out after all.
But any threat he ever felt with Minakami slowly disappeared the more he spent time with him. You couldn’t really call someone who dragged you to watch plays and shop at stores an enemy.
And soon enough, Kawase knew that Minakami’s favorite color was blue (but green had started to grow on him recently, apparently), his favorite food was plums, and his only hobby and passion was reading. Minakami wasn’t a particularly ambitious person, and as a result, he didn’t have many goals or desires. His only desire was to read as many books as possible in his lifetime.
Being more comfortable around Minakami meant that the idea of touching him didn’t seem so disgusting, especially since he knew how neat and tidy he was. Kawase always noted how much taller Minakami was than him, and how much sturdier he was compared to him and how much broader his shoulders were. Minakami wasn’t a beauty like Tamamori, but he was by no means unattractive. And Minakami being in love with Tamamori meant he liked men, right?
Knowing all those things, plus how often they were together, and paired with Kawase’s needs as a man, it was a recipe for instincts to take over him more easily. First it started with their hands occasionally brushing against each other while they walked, then it was them sitting closer and closer to each other the more drunk they got, but the thing that drove Kawase the most insane was watching Minakami drink from Kawase’s cup.
“Why do you always do that? That’s disgusting.” He snapped at Minakami, watching him drink from his sake cup. Despite how disgusted Kawase sounded, he continued drinking immediately after Minakami finished.
“You can’t pour my cup fast enough.”
“You being so proper about that doesn’t match how unsightly you’re being…But aren’t I disgusting?”
“Eh? Of course you’re not disgusting, Kawase.” Minakami got up from across from him and sat down next to him closely. Kawase noticed how red Minakami was, but he didn’t look any different than usual. Minakami was pretty good at holding his liquor, but he was a little too honest when he was drunk.
“You’re so beautiful, Kawase.” Minakami said matter of factly, asif he was saying the sky was blue. Kawase nearly choked on his alcohol. “And you’re so intelligent and hardworking, it won’t be long until someone will want to marry you.”
“What the hell are you saying?” Kawase choked out.
“It’s true. Make sure you settle with someone who loves you for you, and not just your fortune.”
“I’m not going to worry about marriage, it’s not for me. And besides, if I got married, I probably won’t be able to see you as often.”
“Would you be sad if we couldn’t see each other as much?” Minakami asked.
The question left Kawase physically unable to respond, any words he had stuck in his throat.
The next thing he knew, he was in Minakami’s arms and kissing him. He didn't know how he got in this position or who made the first move. Maybe they were like magnets who couldn’t help but be pulled to one another.
One thing led to another, and their relationship officially became physical. It wasn’t an uncommon occurrence for Minakami to sleep over. Adding sex to the mix didn’t make things awkward between them. It was as easy falling into that habit as seeing Minakami almost everyday. Though Kawase guessed it was because there weren't any complicated feelings about it: They were just two guys with needs, and Minakami happened to be the only person Kawase didn’t hate.
Minakami flinched as Kawase trailed his fingers down Minakami’s neck and chest, bites littered all over it. When they were in the midst of it, it was hard for Kawase to hold back. Also, he couldn’t help that it was so amusing to see Minakami try to hide the wounds during the day, and for other people to gape at them when he couldn’t.
“I’ve had people comment that it looks like an animal attacked me…you don’t play nice do you, Kawase?”
“Foolish of you to think I would.”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
When Kawase’s wandering fingers finally landed on the prominent vein on Minakami’s neck, he couldn’t help but press on it. It was a vein that everyone had, a proof that he was alive.
“Underneath this vein is something called a carotid artery, it’s the main way your body supplies blood to your brain.” Minakami hummed inquisitively.
“....should the artery get cut or ruptured, a lot of blood would come gushing out, it could projectile out even, especially if you have high blood pressure. It wouldn’t take long for you to die from blood loss.”
“........well that’s not good.” Minakami responded simply, not sounding upset at all.
Kawase burst out laughing. Any normal person would probably be horrified being told that, maybe even shiver since he was pressing down on the vein. But that was a very Minakami answer.
“There’s definitely something wrong with you in the head…cutting you up and examining your brain would probably be a worthwhile medical endeavor.”
“I’m not sure why the subject of cutting me open comes up often, but to be honest, I don’t dislike the idea of you doing that to me.”
It wouldn’t be inaccurate to say that Minakami and Kawase lived in their own little world the past year. Kawase’s entire world became just his studies and Minakami. He never thought in a million years that he would ever have this kind of relationship with him. Truthfully, the bitter part of Kawase that didn’t trust people had always thought that Minakami didn’t even like him all that much, that he was just tolerating him for Tamamori’s sake. That sentiment wasn’t far off for Kawase himself in regards to Minakami.
But now, Minakami had become a steady and comforting presence in Kawase’s life, in a world where he couldn’t help but often think of the end.
It was a warm spring day outside. It wasn’t too hot,and flower petals were blowing in the wind softly. Many flowers were in full bloom this time of the year, but it was only for a short period. Soon, they would disappear, and only people’s sweet memories of them would be proof they ever existed at all.
Moments like these, with peace and stillness, were stressful for Kawase. He could still remember the nights that he needed to self medicate to sleep, his thoughts and memories plaguing him. “Peace” and “Happiness” were two concepts very foreign to Kawase after all.
Kawase, who was walking beside Minakami, shifted his gaze to his, and their eyes met. Minakami said nothing and just smiled at Kawase before opening his book to read it while they walked.
Silence wasn’t uncommon between them, neither of them were particularly chatty people, both content leaving the babbling to Tamamori growing up. But the silence between them was never uncomfortable, Kawase didn’t want to read into it too much but it always carried the feeling of You don’t need to say anything, I just want to be with you.
Is it okay to be here with me?
Minakami wasn’t looking at him anymore but Kawase couldn’t tear his gaze away from him. Minakami became an essential part of his daily routine. Minakami, who liked his coffee with just milk and no sugar. Minakami, who gifted Kawase things like an expensive fountain pen and a men’s ring. Minakami, who liked it when Kawase bit that one spot on the back of his neck.
As they continued walking, they approached a bridge, a river flowing below it. Kawase suddenly stopped right at the beginning of the bridge, not even stepping on it, while Minakami, who was absorbed in his book, kept walking forward, crossing the bridge.
Kawase was used to letting things go. Anything that was in his grasp would always eventually escape, pouring out of his hands like if he was trying to hold water. He didn’t want to ever have regrets, nor feel too attached to anything he will lose. As a result, Kawase never felt the need to want much of anything, his soul couldn’t muster up the energy to entertain the idea that he won’t always be alone.
Kawase watched as Minakami walked across the bridge, slowly leaving him behind as he approached the end of it, his attention still on his book. The farther he was from him, the more a heavy feeling in his chest grew. All he had to do was continue walking and catch up to him, maybe even call out to him and chastise him that he should be more aware of his surroundings. But his legs felt like lead, holding him down at the beginning of the bridge. A knot forming in his throat prevented him from being able to say anything.
“How did this even happen?” Kawase mused out loud, sitting at the dinner table with Minakami. On the table were rice balls and soup that Minakami had prepared for them. Neither of them were as good of cooks as Tamamori, but between the two of them, Minakami was the most decent.
Kawase never asked Minakami to cook for him, but Minakami often insisted, saying how thin Kawase was. Kawase didn’t care enough to turn him away.
“How did what happen?” Minakami questioned, looking at Kawase for an answer while he stirred his tea.
Kawase didn’t mean to say that question out loud, but he decided to go along with it.
“Why do you bother spending so much time with me? Why did you even start spending time with me at all in the first place?”
“Do you not want me to be here?”
“.......I didn’t say that.”
Minakami smiled his usual serene smile at his response. “I’m glad about that at least.”
“Sometimes it sounds like you don’t think I like you, Kawase.” Minakami continued.
“You’ve always been closer to Tamamori. And Hanazawa always favored you more than me.”
“You’ve never opened your heart to me though, all those years we were together. I’ve always been disappointed by that.”
“You were paying attention to someone other than Tamamori?”
“You would have noticed if you also didn’t just have eyes for Tamamori.”
Kawase was taken aback by his response. They both knew the kind of feelings they had for him but never took the time to talk about it.Truthfully, he didn’t want to start now. Minakami took his silence as a sign to continue.
“I always thought that maybe if I had a mind like yours, maybe I would have been able to live a more dignified life.”
“I didn’t know you thought so highly of me…but anyway, that’s your own damn fault. You were born into a good family, and you have an impressive mind that memorizes even the smallest details. And even so, there isn’t anything about you that’s dignified.”
Minakami just laughed, used to Kawase’s sharp words. Kawase picked up a rice ball, and when he realized it was the last pickled plum one, Minakami’s favorite, he broke it in half and shared it with Minakami.
Kawase wasn’t sure what Minakami thought of him. Sure, he liked him enough to hang around him all the time and sleep with him, but a part of him doubted Minakami needed him. And Kawase desperately didn’t want to admit that maybe he did need Minakami too.
Kawase had zero desire to meet other people or form relationships with others. He was perfectly fine being with his childhood friends, the ones who know about the filthy Kawase. And if they no longer wanted him, he was fine being alone the rest of his life.
But it wasn’t like he wanted to be alone. I didn’t realize how good it feels to wake up with you in the morning. I never realized there’s actually a lot I like about you. I’m only just realizing that I don’t know what I would do if you weren’t around anymore. Or if you left.
When Minakami finally stepped at the end of the bridge, he realized Kawase wasn’t next to him. He shut his book and spun around to look for him. “Kawase?” he called out. He walked to the middle of the bridge and stopped there, holding out his hand to Kawase.
“Do bridges bring back bad memories? It’s ok.” Minakami called out to Kawase again, still holding his hand out to him.
They were never particularly touchy in public but if they were, it was always Minakami who initiated it.
Kawase knew he knew better than to trust someone with his heart. He knew that nothing good would come out of letting himself fall. It would be inevitable that whatever they had between them would come to an end one day, Kawase couldn’t help but always think of the end.
But even if that was inevitable, there was a tiny, foolish part of Kawase that said, “ Maybe it will be worth it in the end, when I finally reach the end of this miserable life. I can proudly say that at one point, I loved a man named Minakami, and he made the pain of existence worthwhile. ”
The heaviness from his legs and chest disappeared, and Kawase walked across the bridge to take Minakami’s hand. Hand in hand, they walked together across the bridge.