Work Text:
The clothes you were wearing last night were crinkled when you downed them again, courtesy of the man sleeping on the bed. You’re careful as you pace around his apartment, scared that you might wake him up.
Leaving before he wakes up is always the hardest part. You’re not sure how to face him every time you sleep together, after all.
You’re gone before he wakes up.
You looked up when you felt the first drop of snow. For a second, you almost want to go back to where you came from, but your buzzing phone reminded you to breathe and continue on your way, and so you did just that.
The bouquet smells nice. You smelled it again. It’s vibrant, too. The chrysanthemum, pink carnation, and tulips look so beautiful.
Your phone beeping made you pause in your thoughts. It was a message from him.
Look to your right.
Sure enough. There’s a black car to your right. The window rolls down and reveals him, casually waving his hand.
“Hey!” he greets, completely ignoring Ijichi’s complaints about being late to a meeting. “Where are you headed?”
You look at the bouquet and at him, unsure. You’ve never had the guts to tell him that you always visit Suguru’s grave.
You couldn’t tell the expression on his face when you told him the place you’re going to. Ijichi sighed, used to being ignored when Satoru told you to hop in.
“How are you, Senpai?” Ijichi asked as he drove.
You’re grateful for the distraction from Satoru, whose fingers mindlessly draw circles against your leg. “I’m fine. How are you?”
“I’m good, thank you. Could be better,” he muttered the last part, obviously aimed at Satoru who’s mindlessly looking outside. “We really miss you! It’s been so long since we last saw you. The students are always asking about you, especially Yuta, because of what happened back then-“ he stops, eyes wide.
You swallowed. It’s been so long. 2 years is so long. 2 years of make believes, of promises, of mourning.
“Anyways! Where are you working now?”
You smiled, but you’re aware that your smile is tight. It hurts. It hurts that you’re avoiding talking about Suguru. Like he’s not a big part of your lives. “Just a boring office job. I… I can’t really work as a sorcerer now.”
Satoru squeeze your leg. You’ve never felt his presence that strongly until now.
Shoko used to say that it was grief and the devastation that came along with Suguru’s passing that made you like this... an empty shell of yourself, a useless sorcerer that can’t use a technique. You’ve essentially become a civilian. A monkey.
They tried. They all tried to help you get better, but you can’t. It was like your body was rejecting your curse technique. It was as if you were rejecting the part of yourself that connected you to him now that he’s gone.
Do you… do you think he knows?
He looks at you, waits for you to elaborate.
About us? About this? You gestured toward the space between the two of you.
I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not.
What do you think his reaction would be… if he were here?
He laughs, but there’s a lack of humor there. It’s sad.
If he were here, then there’s really no need for the arrangement.
Oh.
He’s right, and you’re so stupid for bringing it up.
You let the silence continue until he offered to drive you home.
Ever since you brought it up, you couldn’t help but imagine what Suguru’s reaction would be.
Which was extremely foolish because why were you even thinking about your relationship with Satoru? Satoru is right. It wouldn’t even exist if Suguru was here.
For his part, Satoru seems to not let your (stupid) question get to him.
“Suguru’s dead,” Shoko casually says while drinking sake. It’s Friday night, and she dragged you all here to celebrate because she decided to stop smoking.
(“So you decided you want to be an alcoholic now?” Satoru jokes. He’s here, but he’s not drinking.)
It took you a moment before you answered. “I know.”
She smiles. “Don’t you think there’s really no need to choose if there’s only one choice left?”
She looks at Satoru, who’s looking at you both from across the room.
You swallowed. “Our relationship is… not like that”
She smiled, small and melancholy. “Does he know that? Do you know that?”
You don’t reply because Satoru is already standing up, eyes locked on you.
“You’re sick?” You look around his apartment. It’s clean, and you have no doubt that his family’s attendant came to clean this place up for him. “For how long?”
He sneezes. “A while.”
“How did you even get sick?”You asked, moving around the kitchen as you prepared lunch for him. You turn to look back at him when he says nothing. “Well?”
He says nothing. Just stares at you as if he can’t believe you’re here.
Unbelievable.
You suppose you’d let him get away with not answering you since he looks really sick.
“Go inside. Hurry.” You shoo him towards his room. You rolled your eyes when he didn’t move and walked towards him, almost pushing him to his room, then his bed. “Go to sleep. I’ll wake you up when lunch is ready.”
He nodded. His nose is red, and he’s breathing heavily. When you turned to leave, he grabbed your wrist. “Stay the night. Please.” Your heart aches for him. He wouldn’t ever let you or anyone else see this vulnerability.
And so you did.
Are you feeling better now?
Yes. Did you miss me?
You rolled your eyes playfully, so used to his antics.
I heard you’re investigating something in the Kanagawa. You paused. Would it overstep your boundaries? You don’t think so… you were friends before you propose that stupid arrangement, right?
You read it again and again before deciding to send it before your courage leaves you.
Take care.
Your phone beeped again and you force yourself to finish the report your boss assigned to you.
It was only right after work that you decided to read the message he sent you. You smiled despite yourself when he sent a picture of him posing in a peace sign, too.
Yes, I’ll be back with your souvenir soon. What do you want? :p
Strangely, that started your message exchanges with him.
Ijichi is so funny. He’s red in the face and he keeps on glaring at me.
You smiled. Stop making fun of him.
Eh. I don’t want to.
You’re so full of it.
:P Shoko’s asking where you are.
He sent a group photo with them next. You swallowed, her question about your relationship ringing in your ears.
Does he know that? Do you know that?
You stop replying.
An old memory resurfaced.
Maybe it was the alcohol, but you really couldn’t stop yourself from acting out. You’re so angry at everyone. You’re so angry that you lost everything you worked hard for and now have to start all over again as a boring office worker. You’re so angry that you lost him twice (one when he fled, one when he died), You’re angry that his idealism was worth more to him than you, or his parents, or his friends. Most of all, you’re so angry that you can’t be angry at him.
If he asked you to, would you have abandoned your whole belief system and loved ones to join him? You don’t know, and you’re scared of the answer.
It was Satoru who bailed you out of jail after you caused a scene at a local bar.
He was quiet on the drive back to his place after you told him you didn’t want to go home.
“Make me forget.” you sobbed into your hands. “Make me forget him, Satoru.”
He pried your face away from your hands, beckoning you to open your eyes. “Okay.”
He made you forget that night and the following nights after that.
This time, it was him who sought you out.
You didn’t even got to ring the bell before you’re dragged inside his apartment. It was the first time you saw each other again after you stopped replying to his messages.
This is just a release. That’s what you both told yourself at the beginning of whatever this is…
You know it’s a lie now.
But no, he’s not Suguru. Satoru doesn’t kiss quite like him, and he doesn’t hold you quite like Suguru does.
(He’s not Suguru.)
But despite that or maybe because of that, you love him. You love him.
You love him so much that you’re willing to continue this charade. This mistake. This sin.
Because he doesn’t love you, does he? This relationship started only because you both wanted to fill the void Suguru left.
If Suguru could see you now, what would he think?
Will he think you’re useless and good for nothing? For using his name to fool around with someone he considers his friend, his brother?
You wish Suguru would walk through that door; you wish he would take you back; you wish he was alive because you know that’s the only way you can stop this insanity from controlling you.
And when he pulled you by your nape, lips kissing every exposed skin, you arched your body so used to him that you had no idea that somebody could make you feel again after Suguru’s passing.
You closed your eyes if only to stop yourself from crying—from muttering stupid apologies you both know have been useless since the beginning—that you know would only be a burden to him. You both know this was wrong and that this was a mistake.
He stops, his mouth kissing the tears in your eyes. “Open your eyes.”
You don’t. You're scared he'll see right through you.
“Open your eyes. Look at me.”
There was something primal in his tone. Something vulnerable, and you opened your eyes to see him looking straight at you. And you search his eyes, searching for the answers only he can give you.
When you found the answer, you reached out a hand to his face, and he leans against it. When he leans in, you kiss him back.
No more mistakes.
Cause in his eyes, you found the strength to stay.