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Where have you gone?
Jawn hasn’t seen Lucas all day. This isn’t necessarily unusual. Lucas works a full time job, and Jawn sleeps all sorts of weird hours to try and work around his pain. Sometimes their schedules don’t match up. They don’t see each other for days at a time.
Except, Lucas is home right now. He’s in his room, not answering the door.
It's been seven solid days withdrawn
Lucas has been acting off for a few days now. He has some time off work, and he spent a little of it with Jawn. Watching old sitcoms, making out, their normal hangout things. Then, suddenly, radio silence. No response to his texts, no answer at his door.
Jawn feels a little abandoned. He spends a full day sulking in the living room until Awsten boots him out to watch a film with Otto. Travis tells them that if they have sex on the couch, he will be angry. Otto points out that it’s his couch and he can fuck whoever he likes on it.
As Jawn reaches the third floor landing, he decides he’s done being miserable and lonely. If Lucas doesn’t want anything to do with him, he can say it to his face. Not that they ever talk about anything, but whatever.
And no, see, I don't care
Jawn walks straight into Lucas’ room - his door is never locked, not to Jawn - and turns on the light when he finds it dark. Lucas hisses, actually hisses, and shields his eyes from the light with his arm. He’s sitting on the floor, surrounded by an alarming amount of whisky bottles.
Great. He’s drunk. Again.
I just want to know you're unimpaired
“How long have you been drinking for?” Jawn asks with a sigh. He doesn’t expect a coherent answer.
“Dunno.” Lucas mumbles, pressing the half empty whiskey bottle to the side of his head. “What day is it?”
“Wednesday. The nineteenth.”
“Ugh.” Lucas rubs his hand over his unshaven face. “I don’t know why I asked. Dunno when I started.”
“Well, it’s time to stop.” Jawn tries to take the bottle from Lucas, but he snatches it back. “Dude.”
“Let me have it. It makes it stop.”
“Makes what stop?” Jawn doesn’t know what could compel a person to want to be drunk all the time. He shouldn’t be getting so frustrated with him, but he’s sick of this.
“It’s- I-” Lucas starts, then he bursts into tears.
It's okay, take your time
“Okay, okay, you don’t have to tell me honey.” Jawn soothes. He’s panicking a little - Lucas never cries. Neither of them do. It’s like some sort of unspoken rule.
“‘M sorry.” Lucas sobs. “I wanna, but I can’t-”
“It’s okay.” Jawn pulls Lucas into a hug, which gets him close enough to take the bottle from him and put it aside. Lucas clings to him, burying his face in Jawn’s shoulder. His tears soak Jawn’s shirt, but he doesn’t mind. “There we go. You’re alright. I’ve got you.”
Our restraints are still aligned
“Sorry, sorry.” Lucas pulls away and wipes at his eyes desperately. “I gotta stop crying.”
Jawn wants to tell him that it’s okay, he can cry as much as he wants. He himself, though, rarely cries in front of people. The whole idea of it is mortifying to him. Crying in front of someone, admitting he has feelings like that? Absolutely not.
Maybe it would be good to be vulnerable in front of someone for once. Lucas might be a good place to start. Someone he trusts, arguably the person he’s closest to. Jawn doesn’t have any family. His pack are hard to talk to - the only thing they really have in common is being werewolves, and Jawn doesn’t like to think about that if he doesn’t have to.
We're the product of a crowded youth
Neither of them have had very easy lives. Lucas doesn’t have the support of his family and Jawn never had one. Something else clearly happened to Lucas, something he won’t talk about, that has turned him to this. When Jawn thinks about all the group homes he himself was shuffled through, the foster families who couldn’t handle him, he feels like he turned out okay. The fact that neither of them are dead is a miracle.
They got thrown through the shit cycle and came out the other end, one seriously depressed and the other an alcoholic. All things considered, it could be worse.
And though I'm vain, full of pride
“You’re alright.” Jawn pats him on the back. He’s solid and warm under his hand, shockingly real. “You’ll be alright.”
“Of course I will. I’m always alright.” Lucas chuckles, even though he doesn’t sound like he believes it.
Strictly cavalier inside
Maybe they should take this more seriously. Get Lucas real help, but that’s hard to do without Lucas wanting to get help. Jawn could force him, but he doesn’t want to do that. It wouldn’t work, and it wouldn’t be fair.
This all sort of results in it looking like Jawn doesn’t care about Lucas’ health, which he does. He cares so much about Lucas that his heart hurts. It makes it difficult to think straight about him sometimes. The sun shines when Lucas smiles, and all Jawn’s thoughts go away.
I'd scratch all that I amounted to
Jawn would give up everything for Lucas. That might be stupid, considering they haven’t known each other for all that long. Jawn has never been the smartest person in the room, but he knows Lucas. He knows he would be worth it.
I don't ever wanna let you go
Neither of them are going anywhere. Jawn will stick with Lucas to the end, whatever that entails. They’ll both be alright. Even if they never figure it all out. They have each other whether Lucas likes it or not. Jawn is not leaving.
You're the only one who lets me in
“Thanks for coming to check on me.” Lucas mumbles, leaning his head on Jawn’s shoulder.
“Thanks for not immediately telling me to fuck off.” Jawn says. Awsten does that a lot.
But every time I try to hold my own
Lucas laughs. “I wouldn’t. I like having you around.”
“I like having you around too.” Jawn says softly. It’s the closest to I love you he has ever gotten.
Yeah, I can never seem to get a grip
“Why?” Lucas asks. “I’m a mess. I’m always doing shit you hate.”
Jawn sighs. “You get drunk sometimes. You’re relatively harmless when you do. I wish you wouldn’t, but it’s not the end of the world.”
And I don't ever wanna give you up
“I don’t know why you put up with me.” Lucas sighs.
Because I think I’m in love with you. Instead Jawn says, “You’re my friend, dude. We look out for each other.”
I always say I'll get ahead of it
“I’m gonna sort it out. Or figure it out. I don’t know. I’m going to stop all this.” Lucas promises.
He always does this. He says he’s going to get better, and then he doesn’t. Jawn honestly thinks that it will take something awful happening for Lucas to actually quit. Lucas isn’t stupid enough to get himself into any bad shit while he’s drunk, though, so they carry on.
But every time they try to fix me up
“I’ll help you. Anything you need, let me know.” Jawn always says that. He should know better - Lucas never asks him for help.
“Thank you.” Lucas cuddles further into Jawn. “I don’t know where I would be without you.”
“A ditch, probably.” Jawn wraps an arm around him. Lucas laughs.
I get addicted to the medicine
“Can I have one more drink?” Lucas asks, reaching for the bottle.
Jawn snatches it away. He never changes. “Absolutely not.”
Lucas will get better, even if Jawn has to force it on him.
But now, I'm shook
Weeks later, Lucas sits on his bed, staring at the closed door of Jawn’s room across the hall. There’s no sign of movement from inside, no light under the door, even though it’s early evening in winter and already pitch black outside. If Lucas didn’t know any better, he would think there was no one in there.
But he does know better. He knows Jawn has been in there for hours, unmoving. For all Lucas knows, he’s dead inside.
He doesn’t like the idea, that none of them would realise. That they wouldn’t realise one of their own was gone.
It's been seven solid weeks withstood
Jawn hasn’t been acting right for weeks now. Everyone else keeps saying to give him space, and Lucas has tried, but it doesn’t feel right. Jawn shuts him out sometimes, sure, but not like this. Not for so long.
It isn’t like Lucas has any privilege to barge into Jawn’s room and demand an explanation. He can do that with Travis - they’ve been best friends for long enough - but Lucas isn’t Jawn’s anything. At least, not as much as he would like to be.
And babe, from what I've heard
“Have you seen Jawn today?” Lucas asks Otto, in the kitchen.
Otto is in a good mood, because it’s winter and his waking hours overlap more with Awsten’s. Those two have a much more traditional relationship than Lucas and Jawn ever have, however traditional a partnership between a mortal man and an eight-hundred year old vampire can be. Sometimes Lucas feels jealous, although he doesn’t know where that comes from.
“No. Haven’t seen him for a while.” Otto shrugs, like it isn’t a big deal. “Is he home?”
“Yeah, he’s just sitting in his room. He hasn’t left for hours.”
“Ah, he’s probably just sad. Leave him to it, he’ll be alright.” Otto waves it off as if it’s nothing.
I'll admit that I'm a bit concerned
Lucas doesn’t think it’s nothing. Jawn isolating himself like that can’t be healthy. What if he’s sick? What if he’s in pain? Lucas doesn’t want him to go through that alone.
He resolves to find out what’s going on.
Now it's grave, now it's plight
Jawn’s bedroom door isn’t locked. They don’t really do locked doors in this house. It isn’t a rule, or anything. The housemates are all so used to each other that they can wander in and out as they please with minimal issue. Otto can’t come in without being invited anyway.
The room is dark, the only light coming from the streetlights through the open curtains. Everything is a mess, as usual. Clothes strewn across the floor, a pile of CDs knocked over, a pile of blankets on the bed under which an unmoving Jawn lies. He’s alive, at least, breathing softly. For a moment, Lucas thinks he might be asleep, but then he sniffles and Lucas wonders if he’s crying.
Instead of speaking, Lucas knocks on the door as he closes it behind him.
I regret all of the fight
“Go away.” Jawn mumbles from under his comforter. His voice is muffled but, yeah, he’s crying. Lucas doesn’t think he’s ever seen him cry before.
“No.” Lucas says firmly. “Talk to me.”
Jawn seems surprised that it’s Lucas that has come to drag him out of bed, but he doesn’t budge. “Fuck off.”
Lucas doesn’t like fighting with Jawn. Not properly fighting - they bicker like any other set of friends, almost as bad as Travis and Awsten. Sometimes Lucas and Jawn get into awful, petty arguments that amount to nothing but feel like the end of them at the time. One of them inevitably storms off, and eventually they make up and act like nothing ever happened.
That can’t happen this time. Lucas wants to get to the bottom of this.
I spent milking every ounce of truth
“No. Tell me what’s wrong.” Lucas sits down on the end of the bed, next to where Jawn’s middle is. He reaches out and touches what he thinks is Jawn's shoulder, but turns out to be his face. “Just so I don’t worry.”
Jawn tugs to blanket down from over his head so he can look at Lucas in the dim light. He blinks as his eyes adjust. There’s dark circles under them, tears tracks on his cheeks.
“I’m fine.” He mumbles.
“Liar.” Lucas puts his hand back on Jawn’s face. His skin is slightly damp. “I don’t need you to be fine. I need you to tell me when you’re not.”
With a huff, Jawn says, “I feel like an awful useless terrible person because there are so many werewolves who can live normal lives even with the lycanthropy symptoms, and I can't. I end up stuck lying on my floor in agony because I can’t just suck it up and get a job. There, happy?”
He pulls his comforter up over his head again as Lucas sits there in stunned silence.
You are great, you are bright
It seems cliché, but Lucas has never thought anything like that about Jawn. He is, genuinely, one of the most brilliant people Lucas has ever met - second only to Travis. The way he thinks about everything, the resilience he shows in dealing with the bullshit life throws at him, how much he sucks at video games - it's all Jawn and Lucas loves it.
He’ll admit that. He loves everything that Jawn is. The dumb fights and the carnage of their lives be damned. No one will ever measure up to Jawn.
Strictly radiant inside
“I think you are the bravest person I’ve ever met.” Lucas says slowly. Jawn stares at him, incredulous. “Seriously! It’s incredible how much you do do with how much pain you have. I don’t- obviously I don’t get it, because I’m not like you, but I don’t think you should beat yourself up just because other people are doing more. Those people are either burned out as hell or not in as much pain as you. Not that it’s a competition, obviously.”
“I know all that.” Jawn curls around Lucas and thunks his forehead against Lucas’ thigh. “That doesn’t make me feel less stupid.”
“Well, I’ll keep saying it until you believe it.” Lucas runs his fingers through Jawn’s long hair. “Because I- because you’re my friend and you’re… important to me.”
Jawn stares at him again, something like disappointment flashing in his eyes. Then it’s gone, and Jawn rests his head back on Lucas’ leg.
I should've worshipped every ounce of you
Lucas thinks that maybe they should give it up. This stupid cat and mouse thing they’ve got going on where they never admit that they like each other. Maybe Jawn doesn’t feel that way about him, though, which is why Lucas won’t say anything. He doesn’t want to ruin what they do have by saying something.
I don't ever wanna let you go
The last thing Lucas wants is to lose Jawn. Sort of having him is better than not having him at all. Lucas has already lost everyone he loved once. He won’t let it happen again.
You're the only one who lets me in
“Let me in.” Lucas tugs at the comforter until Jawn relents and lets him climb under it.
They snuggle up together, Jawn with his head on Lucas’ chest. Lucas runs his hand up and down Jawn’s spine gently. Jawn sighs, comforted, and presses a kiss to Lucas’ collarbone.
But every time I try to hold my own
“I keep trying to get through it on my own, you know. Trying to be independent.” Jawn rolls his eyes a little bit at the last word.
“I get that. You sort of get used to doing it all yourself.” Lucas says. He certainly did, after his parents threw him out.
Yeah, I can never seem to get a grip
“Sometimes I think I have a handle on it, and then all of a sudden I don’t. It comes out of nowhere. One minute I’m fine, the next I’m just not.” Jawn sighs deeply. “I don’t think I can deal with it by myself anymore.”
And I don't ever wanna give you up
“You aren’t on your own. I’m here. Otto and Awsten and Travis are here for you too.” Lucas squeezes him in his arms.
I always say I'll get ahead of it
“I could lose all of you. Like I did my parents.” Jawn squeezes his thumb in his hand. “I should figure it out for myself.”
But every time they try to fix me up
“I’ll always be here for you. You won’t lose me.” Lucas promises. “You aren’t alone.”
I get addicted to the medicine
Jawn smiles at him. “Thank you.”