Chapter Text
I don’t remember when my life just became one of tragedy. To be fair I don’t remember much of my parents either. They died when I was possibly around five or six years old. I remember we were talking about birds in class, everyone was sharing their favorite bird.
“A canary!” A wide smile on my face. Of course everyone somewhat agreed when the teacher called on someone behind me for a fun fact.
“I learned that Canaries were used in the mines back when we used to mine for things. They would be put in cages and then when they died the miners would know it’s time to leave.” Morbid but it is strangely comforting to know this fact, little six year old me who had no idea what was to come. I was called home early that day and never returned back to that school. We, myself and my two older brothers, moved in with an uncle of ours, somewhere decently far from where we originally came from. It was going to be a while before we were even out of that small town, Martyn being the one to leave as he was only 15, being the first to turn 18, leaving with a promise,
“One day, I’ll be back.”
He kept that promise too. I was in school, about eleven years old, when I was called down to the office, not knowing that it was going to be the last time myself and Grian were ever going to be there. Martyn was standing there, just outside the office itself. Grian was sitting next to him on the little bench outside. I wasn’t quite sure what was happening but Martyn explained that he had to do some legal stuff that included their uncle, not like I was paying attention to whatever the hell it was, that means they were under Martyn’s custody and that Martyn was the one who had to take care of them. That night was amazing. We went out to dinner, Martyn of course being the one to pay, hanging out like we used to do with me just talking as any child and both Martyn and Grian. Grian said he was smiling so much that his cheeks hurt. I loved it honestly. It was a feeling that I didn’t even think any other person had ever experienced in their life. Nothing bad could ever come our way after this. Right?
Right ?
right ?
Things fell apart in High School. I was in my second to last year, a junior, when it happened. Halloween was just around the corner, just a few days away, and here I was planning something with Grian, who was actually visiting us at the time, since he was trying to obtain some property with a house in some town in the middle of nowhere, the most fun from this was actually teasing Grian about this crush of his on the town’s doctor. We heard a groan, knowing that it came from Martyn, as the eldest came out of his room and walked into the kitchen living room area where me and Grian were. We both watched as he cursed a fair bit about his job, which was understandable. From what he told us, it was a really boring job and Martyn just seemed to hate it. Already hearing the complaining, I couldn’t help that my lips formed a thin line. It was tiring to listen to Martyn give the same spiel over and over again about his job. So I responded as anyone would.
“If you don’t like the job then just leave.” I followed him from the table, leaving Grian alone, and stood at the end of the hallway, watching as Martyn put on his shoes. He stood up to me, clearly debating how to respond to me, before just shrugging, using his hand to comb his hair.
“Well, sometimes in life, you don’t have a choice, you can’t always choose. It’s hard to do so and with how this world works, you have to let go of choice to try and bring in whatever money you can.”
“Then why not find a job that you like that also brings in money then.” My face slightly frowning while Martyn looked at me before smiling softly. He moved closer to me to just ruffle my hair, a whine escaping my lips as I did my best to remove his hand from my hair while he just laughed. It was strange as I watched his smile go from happy to something slightly somber before he spoke again but in a much more serious tone.
“Jimmy. You’ll find happiness when you learn to enjoy yourself. And I pray everyday to whatever is out there, that you find it before there are other tragedies in your life.” He patted my head before yelling a goodbye to Grian. I didn’t really register the door closing in front of me as something in my stomach felt…
Wrong .
I wish I said something more to him before finding out just how much I hate hospitals.
The rest of October was silent and unnaturally quiet. Neither of us really spoke to the other, deciding to keep quiet versus actually speaking. For a week I didn’t go to school, although I had to quickly since I was missing so many things.Christmas was quieter. We only needed to buy gifts for each other and even then, we didn’t even get anything. We decided in the end to buy a vase and put some flowers in it as a gift to Martyn instead of getting anything else. Chinese food for dinner that night and for a day or so. I just wish junior year went by faster so that I could just be done with all of this.
Our birthdays weren’t any better either. Grian didn’t want to do much so we just got a cupcake and I wished him a nice birthday. But that was it. No surprises, no presents, no nothing. Just a cupcake, a candle and a small happy birthday. I barely blinked when my birthday finally arrived. There wasn’t anything special done for my birthday either. Although Grian did get me a gift, which was surprising. He insisted that I opened it at the table as I only gave him a look of pure confusion. Green packaging in the shape of a small box. Slowly I took off the red ribbon holding it all together before removing the green packaging to reveal a box. Just what? Oh . A necklace was found inside. I recognized it as-
“How?”
“It’s not entirely the same but Martyn gave it to me a little while back before he uhm,” Grian gulped and looked down to the table, “left. He told me he wanted you to have it so, I hope it’s a little something to remember the two of us. If you decide to wear it, that is.”
“It’s amazing Grian. I’ll. Yeah. I’ll definitely wear it.” Sucking in a breath as I moved the watch that Martyn wore all the time around his neck. Martyn’s secret clock that he’d always talk about using and having somewhere on his body that we just never knew where. Opening it there was a picture of the three of us together when I was probably just entering highschool or right before. My heart clenched before closing it and getting up to hug Grian again. I could feel that he was surprised but did hug me back as it turned into us sobbing in each other's embrace. From there It was Martyn’s birthday where we did the small celebration of placing a new bouquet of flowers, ones we thought he would enjoy before going onto what could be summer.
But summer felt like it was passing by way too quickly. August just rolled in when Grian told me his plan to leave. He finally was able to get the house and wanted to stay at it for a bit, especially since he was going back and forth and stopped because of Martyn’s death, but I could see that he wanted out of this place, this city. I wouldn’t be lying if I said that I wanted out too. I’m glad he told me then or else we wouldn’t have been so prepared. Talking and figuring out what the plans were, mainly just money stuff with the apartment and phone bills,we had to do a job search. It was scarier than I ever admitted to Grian. During this time we bonded more than we ever had before. He began teaching me how to drive, being more useful than school and showing me all the things related to what taxes I might have to do. It was overwhelming for sure. Especially with the fact that I still had school stuff piling on top of everything.
Christmas was just starting to roll around when I was finally able to get a job. A small local cafe with a few other people working there as well, around the clock at this time so the hired help was needed. It was slightly chaotic getting used to the work there, with so many people in the environment but I got used to it eventually. There was massive help in the form of a female called Shubble. Not only did she help and teach me anything I’d need to know as a barista, which is something I would never think to say myself. But it was a little more between us, especially with how chaotic things were getting. Since everything was also baked in house, there were a few times Grian was snuck in before opening so I could put on an extra pair of clothing that wasn’t covered in flour, or dough. From there it was New Years and then days were quiet. I’ve gotten to know Shubble better and even she got along well with Grian. My favorite moments were always to tease her whenever her crush walked into the cafe and left with their drink. It was nice getting to know her, visiting her apartment a few times. It was all so fun, but at times I couldn’t help wonder but think about Martyn. His opinion on my job, on Shubble, me in school. One thing led to another before the depression took hold that it just made me realize that,
It just wasn’t the same without Martyn .
Grain left in September. My heart felt like it was breaking as I watched the bus leave the station to this town, leaving myself to fend for myself at the ripe age of 18. The apartment never felt emptier. And it wasn’t going to be the only empty thing found in the area. Despite working so much, I needed more money and had to look around for another job.
My second job was an office job, requiring me not only to come in but also work in a cubicle, the nine to five life which I honestly hated. While it only began as a part time job, they were very quick to accept me in a full time position since the cafe shut down.
It sucked to see that happen to a small business and it hurt even more having to say goodbye to Shubble as well. I can’t help but call her my sister with just how close we were. She said the same thing before our final hug. My depression might have been alright but it seemed to have gotten decently worse. Grian was gone, Shubble was gone, and I had this job that I hated and was stuck there with no vacation and no sick days. The only things that cheered me up were the updates I kept getting from my brother. They were all just adorable. Grain ranting on call about his crush or what he’s been doing with the farmland he acquired, talking about what he plans on building next, I wish I was there with him other than being stuck in the city. I never thought Grian would get engaged honestly, and the way he poured it down on me, it was kinda funny. It was a video call, me in the kitchen and Grian somewhere in his house and while our conversations would last for hours on end, he began to get quiet before I saw some flush rise to his face.
“I got engaged.” Bombshell that had my mouth wide open. “We plan to get married next year. It seems really good and nice but…” Grian didn’t have to say it to hear the elephant in the room.
“Grian, don't worry about it. I’m sure I’ll get to see him eventually. My job barely even gives me time off, I wish it did, but don’t worry about it.” I smiled then and made sure the conversations ended. Although, if I had to choose a set of words to ever regret saying, it would be those. But no one could warn us about what was about to happen.
Grian coming back felt like there was light in my world again. It’s ironic almost because he came back on His birthday, surprising me. If anything I should be the one surprising him. I took him out to dinner though, being shown his rings which I knew I could steal anyway, the two of us catching up.
When my birthday came up, it being my 21st, Grian bought a few drinks for the two of us, drinking and laughing, taking a few shots in honor of Martyn. The food we had as well was just normal take out that I would normally get, but it just tasted so much better. We were both still somewhat mourning Martyn but it was over, we were okay. And I really believed we were gonna be okay, be okay and happy.
August rolled around and everything felt wrong. Nor did anything feel real. Especially when I found myself in a hospital. It’s been around four years since I was last in one, since Martyn’s death, and here I was again, running into the ER asking about Grian. I didn’t even feel like I was really there. Everything felt blurry almost. I was put down to sit for a bit as I waited on some news to be heard from Grian, bouncing my leg up and down, probably bite my nails a bit before I heard my name and stood up quickly before being taken to a room. Grian looked… bad. Let’s just say he looked bad. I. I don’t want to go into details. It still hurts to see him look like he was on the bed.
“Hi.” My voice cracked, making me wince at how bad it sounded. Tears in my eyes just looking at him look so helpless .
“Sorry.” I was quick to be at his side, holding onto his hand tightly before shaking my head.
“Don’t be. You can’t control what other people do. You’re gonna be okay. Alright.” Never have I seen Grian look just so tired. A tight smile painted my lips.
“In case-”
“Don’t.” Grian looked over. Brown in brown. He offered me his own smile. Soft but at the same time saddened. I didn’t want to look into his eyes.
“In case of anything, there is a letter on my desk. Its in my room so you’ll see it. Just promise me you won’t open it until you feel like it is necessary. When you feel like you can’t handle it anymore, then open it. Alright. I know the next few months are going rough but its going to be okay.” I felt him grip onto my hand, squeezing it weakly.
“I-I promise Grian. I won’t touch it until I need to alright. Just” The words left as soon as I opened my mouth. The tears spilling out from the already known truth.
“Don’t cry Tim.” Grian’s voice croaked with something wet before he continued on. “Everything is gonna be fine. Here.” I watched as Grian moved his other arm and hand to take something off. My mouth went dry as there was a slight beeping noise in the background. I felt it as Grian placed something in my hand, cold to the touch and slightly heavy. “A little namesake. I’m sorry for everything Jimmy. You don’t deserve this.” Grian’s breath got slower and heavier as he looked away from me. Closing his eyes before continuing, “You deserve to be happy. I’m so sorry.” There was a little bit of a small silence before Grian spoke again and the tears fell from my face. “You’d think I’d see Martyn again?”
The beeping of a heartbeat faded from my mind as it was replaced with a tone. People rushed in, pushing me away as I held on tightly to Grian’s rings as they seemed to yell at each other while someone took the time to take me outside and sit me down. I couldn’t help the tears as they fell before the doctors only came back to claim what I basically already knew.
He was gone .
I wasn’t allowed the time off to mourn, losing hours just for the sake of a one man burial and I couldn’t invite Grian’s husband since I knew nothing of him with no way to contact him either. I brought that letter with me just about everywhere I went from that point on. October hit even harder. Without having Grian there to comfort me through Martyn’s death and the anniversary. I called in sick to work for a week, getting some angry messages but caring less. Life felt so empty. My final straw was just getting yelled at work for something that wasn’t even my fault. Christmas holidays were coming up and being the only one not doing anything to celebrate, people came to me for help. Some even invited me to events that they were having. At least my coworkers cared about me and wanted to make sure I was doing well.
It was about midnight in late December when I opened the letter and even then, I hesitated. I saw Grian’s rings on my hand, one on my ring finger the other on my pointer. I moved over to the kitchen and took a deep breath in and a deep breath out. Okay. I can do this. I will do it.
Hi Jimmy,
It’s Grian. This might sound weird but I just have this feeling in my gut that I’m not gonna make it very long in life. It might sound weird I know but our family is surrounded by tragedy. First our parents, then Martyn. I came back only to leave you again, it’s so unfair. I know you’ll probably see my eye on that too.
The reason for this might sound strange if anything. I don’t think I’ll get any of this done. The legal stuff with my marriage. The property I have, this farm, the ranch, I leave it to you. Do with it what you please, except sell it. Although knowing you and knowing how you feel when reading this you're probably just going to pack up and move. I did it so why wouldn’t you? It, it really was a good decision. You saw how happy I was, I am.
I only pray that no more tragedy comes to us. Comes to you. You deserve the best and I’m sorry that I had to leave the way I did. If you see my husband in Hortensia tell him I’m sorry for leaving him as well. If it is true and I do happen to die, make me a little grave somewhere in town. Somewhere private.
Just know that I love you Jimmy and I hope you find the little secrets I’ve left in the house.
With Great Care,
Your older brother,
Grian
P.S here’s the number for the mayor. He’s excited to meet you!
(xxx)xxx-xxxx
If being with Grian taught me something is that crying is no weakness. I spent the rest of the night crying my heart out. When I finally calmed down, with noodles mind you, I looked at the time on my phone. It was just about to be three am. I opened it up to my home screen and sent the number a message.
Hello there.This is Jimmy Forest.
I’m Grian’s younger brother. I’m sending this because of some
Stuff
has happened.
I was given your number through a letter that he left to me about the property he owned in your town.
If you are the maror
I don’t mind giving you more information, I would prefer to do it over a call. I hope you have a good one.
Jimmy
[Delivered]
Well that was nerve racking. I left it to be until whenever the mayor would respond. It was actually later that day. I was still slightly tired from my midnight breakdown session, coworkers actually checking up on me, even offering snacks. It brought me out of the tiredness for a second and scared the life out of me. I quickly grabbed my phone and opened up my messages to see there was a reply.
Hello Jimmy! The name is Xisuma. I hope the both of you are doing alright.
Of course I don’t mind calling and talking about things.
The property itself has seen some slightly better days.
Weeds have been growing around with bonus trees,
But I’m glad to hear from you!
I do hope you're doing well. Stuff’s been alright.
What would be a good time to call?
It’s better to explain what happened over the phone rather than just texting it all to you.
I’m usually available at all times of the day.
If you want we could do a call right now.
How about tonight?
I can send you a message when im available
Of course. I hope you have a good day til then Jimmy!
You as well.
[Seen]
Boy that night couldn’t come any sooner. It was almost exhausting and I almost just slept on the couch when I decided to look at my phone. You know what, might as well do it. Shooting a text, making sure I had a profile name for the account, starting up the call while then sitting up on the couch, waiting patiently, biting my lower lip. I almost decided to put it down and give up when I then heard a voice.
“Hello?”
“Yes? Hello?” I quickly placed it back next to my ear, panicking that the mayor would then end the call.
“Is this Jimmy Forest?”
“Ah, yeah. If I remember correctly you are the Mayor of Hortensia Town? Mr. Xisuma?” I heard what was probably slight laughter on the other side. There seemed to be a smile on his face by the sound of his voice.
“Yes it is! I’m glad to finally be able to talk to you Jimmy. Grian has talked about you so much during his time here.”
“First time I’m hearing about this.” I couldn’t help but feel slightly flustered. It was never something Grian ever mentioned and I could never think that he would mention me at all.
“Yes! He was very excited to have you come around and visit! I know Grian is taking a while but you two are sure to come soon, correct?” The call got quiet. It hurt to hear the excitement in the mayor’s voice.
“Grian isn’t going to be joining us. Uhm, back in August he was in an accident. I wish I could say that he was left in rough shape but” The air felt tense as the silence felt deafening. I cleared my throat before speaking again. “The letter I told about was his deed to the property. Grian decided to give it to me, leaving it before he died. Since August it’s been tough.”
“And you’ve been alone since?” I was going to nod before remembering, ah yes this is a phone call. I just hummed out a yes. “I remember Grian said October was already a pretty harsh month.” A pause. “Are you alright?” I once again just shrugged before remembering to speak.
“Oh. Uh, I’ve been alright. Yeah October is a bit harsh for other reasons. I wish my job at least gave me some time off. Especially in August when everything happened, but I’m alright. Just peachy.”
“They don’t give you breaks?” I actually couldn’t read Xisuma’s tone that well. It sounded slightly angry but also worried.
“No they don’t. It was something both Grian and I hated about the palace and why I wasn’t around for his wedding. Even then, I think it’s time for me to move on and I guess I saw my way out with the letter leading to our currentish conversation.”
“So you want to move into your brother's house and just start a new life here? In Hortensia? Are you positive about this? It’s a big move with an even greater risk.” Of course I was going to say yes anyway, but I had to think of it from his perspective. He wanted to make sure that I Wanted to do this. I would be packing up my things and moving out to live in a town that is basically in the middle of nowhere. Was it the best decision? Oh absolutely not, but the decision felt right.
“Never in my life have I ever felt more certain about something.”
“Alright. I’ll see how to get things settled.”
Everything felt like a blur. I don’t remember much of December after that, or January either. February was filled with packing really and writing my resignation letter. I had what was probably too many bags. There were about four suitcases, two for myself, one containing Martyn’s items, a few of them dusty, and another containing Grian’s things. It kinda felt weird to move out. I’ve been living in the apartment for about eleven years, coming here only being eleven years old. Remember decorating the room, adding up different posters, changing old ones for new one’s, fanart of things I was into. Seeing the barren walls hurt, but it was worth it.
I took a day near the end of February to head to the bus station and look at the schedules. So many buses were going out, but I didn’t see one for Hortensia Town. Unless it was in a different area in the station? Terminal? But I’ve dropped Grian off here multiple times and even watched when Grian left on the bus to go live in Hortensia. Someone must have seen my confusion as I jumped at the voice behind me.
“Hello There! May I help you?” Spinning around to see who this person was before recognizing them almost immediately. No one here really walks around with a mask, much less one with details of the sun.
“Hi. You scared me there.” Trying to gain some composure before facing the shorter male fully. “I was just looking for a bus schedule, I know I’ve seen you for the one I’m looking for with Grian. Do you know where the Hortensia schedule is? Or where I can find it?” A small smile, clearly from nerves, found on my face from the scare and just hoping he might help me.
“Would it be wrong of me to say that you missed it?”
“Oh…”
“She might kill me for that. You're about a year too late. The Hortensia Town bus leaves only once a year and the main reason is because it goes past the town to a few other places before turning back. After that she won’t be going out again until about a month later. Of course you still have to buy your ticket here before even getting on anyway.” He offered me a soft smile which helped calm my nerves.
“Thank you. I wanted to see if I could buy the tickets but I can’t really seem to find them. Do you think you could help point me in the right direction?” His face seemed to radiate sunlight as if he was the sun.
“Those tickets aren’t available online weirdly, especially since no one really takes that bus.” That explains why I couldn’t find them. “It is something you can only do in person and tickets aren’t going to be sold until next month. It’s when she returns. From there she takes a bit of a break for another month or two, at most three but you will be updated, either by call or email, depending on what you tell them at the front desk.”
“Thank you…”
“Sol. I hope it helps you to some degree.”
“It really does. Thank you a lot Sol.” He gave me a smile and a wave before leaving the building, doing the same a few minutes later. From there it was the next order of business, quitting my job.
Out of all the things, I thought this was going to be the easiest. I knew I had to write some sort of letter of my reasoning why or just to have on file that I’m leaving, but none of the words looked right. But honestly though, why should this letter need to look nice and neat? I hated this job, a simple Fuck you would also do. It was a bit weird how I managed to fit time in for packing and buying things. That day at the office, I just dressed up in a pretty simple office outfit before knocking on the bosses door, before walking in, slightly apologizing and then putting a paper on his desk. He didn’t bother looking that much at the paper before looking at me with some slight confusion.
“What’s this?”
“That sir, is my resignation letter.”
“That's good and all but why do I need this?“ This son of a-
“It's just to let you know that I am quitting.”
“Pfft. Quitting? As-”
“I am not asking for permission. I am telling you that I am quitting and I am leaving this company. I’m tired of not having days off, to be sick, or to even miss important things that have happened with family. I’m taking the choice to live life. So I’m done being here, being in the mindset that all of this is okay. It wasn’t a joy to work with you at all. Do not bother with contacting me, the numbers will be blocked, I am no longer your employee. And if you need me to spell it out for you, D O N E. Done. Goodbye.” I quickly left the room as he began to yell. I knew he was going to come out and try to drag me back in so I Quickly made my way out, going around people with a huge smile on my face. It felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders as I got on the elevator and began my descent down.
It felt…
Weird .
The apartment was basically almost empty, the last things to pack were the things in both Martyn and Grian’s room. My own things were by the door, just a few important things to be left out for the backpack I’m going to use or might use. Most of them are things that I need until the day I leave on the bus. Here I stood outside the door that I knew to never enter. I was nervous to go through, debating to knock even though I already know nobody is behind the door. I did it anyway though, knocking, and then waiting a few seconds before sucking in a breath and entering the room. It was dark for a second before the light was turned on. There was dust just about everywhere from where I could see. Probably won’t be healthy for me to inhale any of it, as if it's going to matter though. The suitcase I had, bought green especially for Martyn as it probably belonged to him anyway . I was quick to cover my face with my hand, who knew dust had a smell.
I moved my hand to be behind my head so that my face was in my elbows. From there I just went and headed over to the boring curtains that Martyn had, ones that I had insisted that he should change to something else so his room would have a bit of pizzazz. Opening them, getting more dust in the room, and then opening the window, I began to vent out the room itself. I moved onto Grian’s room, which had a decent amount of dust in it, so I let them air out, waiting in the kitchen at the island, eating some cereal while scrolling on my phone. A slight feeling of dread began to spread after taking a gulp, turning off the screen of my phone and putting it down. The thoughts seemed to come all at once. Was I really doing the right thing? Wouldn’t leaving here just basically be leaving my siblings behind?
God these thoughts made me wanna throw up. I just decided to down my cereal and forget about it. Or, well, try to forget about it. The feeling of dread stayed with me while I washed my bowl and then returned to Martyn’s room, sucking in a breath outside the not as dusty room. Everything was going to be as he left it, clean yet slightly messy. I couldn’t honestly remember when I was last here. Probably around the time of his death. Weird to be back. I went back out to grab the green suitcase that I set aside, rolling it in and placing it on the bed, opening it up.
I took a good look at the room and suddenly felt, bad , for doing this. The room has been left undisturbed for so many years. If ghosts were real, I’m praying Martyn doesn’t come back to haunt me in a bad way. It’s better than just leaving them and selling them off. Maybe in a way I could fix things in the house that Grian left so that hopefully as well I don’t just leave them in the suitcase itself.
Moving this around and making sure everything is at least somewhat safe is that I realized just how many accomplishments Martyn had. There were multiple medals with some small trophies on some shelves next to his collection of books, a mix of his own stories and those prewritten. I vaguely remember back when we were living with our uncle that if he could, Martyn would want to write a story, just one, for fun and have it go out. Of course that wasn’t the case as I began to grab them, sitting down on the bed as I began to read the descriptions on the backs. I won’t lie when I find it slightly funny that any of the ones that he wrote always included three brothers going on adventure, sounding just like the three of them. It was funny just how much they actually were our original trio of siblings that when I flipped and looked through some of the pages, there were multiple moments in different books that came from moments I remember happening.
Weirdly, I don’t remember him ever showing us. Even when we, myself and Grian, first moved in he did have a bunch of stuff and would talk slightly about writing and we honestly told him to continue and go for it but he was just so, out of it ? It’s like he didn’t want to pursue his dreams and the gut feeling came back because, while Martyn and possibly Grian couldn’t pursue their dreams, what the hell is gonna happen to me? What would I ever do differently that would cause my dream to die. I don’t even have a dream to follow, what makes me so different from my siblings.
It’s stupid Jimmy. You aren’t going to get anywhere in life just moving to a place your brother was in just because he left it to you. Moving your entire life to some town in the middle of nowhere it’s stupid. You’re not gonna be doing either brother any favors. This is just gonna be a total bust and you're gonna be crying and sobbing back into the city as some homeless guy with no money and nowhere to go.
Deep breath in. Hold.
.
.
.
.
Exhale.
I repeated the exercise a few times before standing up and putting the book softly in the suitcase. From there in silence, I just began putting things away, medals, books, small trinkets that he had. Some clothing that could possibly fit me and just did that for the rest of the day.
Grian’s room was harder.
A new day meant a new dawn which meant it was time to pack for Grian as well. So, I stood outside his door, red suitcase by my side. My heart, or that area of my chest, felt like I was getting stabbed with a dagger. Nerves were the worst when I needed to be calm and alright. I could continue to wait until the day got close for me to leave, as if I bought the ticket yet , but then I’d be rushed to put everything away and sooooo much of it would be ruined. The weird feeling was back while I just sat there, on the couch, looking out into the hallway that contained the bathroom and the sleeping quarters, one now officially empty. What would Grian think about all this? It’s only natural to wonder while I just pull my legs up so I can rest my chin on them. Grian was probably the one who had something going out of the two of us. I never really felt like I had much to live up for and going to this town in the middle of nowhere, just to live in a house and area that he was working so hard to rebuild just so I could join him.
Guilt settled in my gut just thinking about that. I was basically stealing Grian’s thunder. Everything started to feel too close as I then began to hide my face into my knee. I just wanted a way to escape everything. Wasn’t that the same reason why Grian left me on my own? To escape everything here in the city? The noise, the reminders. Grian wanted to get away from everything. Me wanting to escape isn’t new either if he had plans for me to join him as well.
It calmed me down slightly to do so, wiping away some tears that had fallen, using the sleeves of my hoodie. Mainly just wiping whatever is on my cheeks before taking another shaky deep breath. I just sat there for a little bit before grabbing my phone. I debated what to do while just sitting on the home screen, looking at the amount of just sheer notifications I had from text messages, to social media stuff that I just barely even checked nowadays. Hopefully this nowhere town would prevent me from checking it much anyways. I debated for a bit to even check anything before opening my messages.
I didn’t expect many people to have texted me. Most were probably coworkers, unironically multiple from my boss who was basically begging me to come back, including his assistant who was talking about having me terminated, as if I’d go back to that old job . Those numbers were quickly blocked. It was such a weight off my shoulders to finally block my boss, and his assistant, from my phone. It was so nice to just not worry and keep getting those texts and calls. I’m surprised I still haven't even bothered with removing all the voicemails he left me. The other number that stood out was [sunshine]. Someone who I confined in for the longest time, and at the same time haven’t talked to for about half that time. I had a slight feeling of guilt wash over me with that realization. I haven’t talked to her since…
Well since Grian’s death in…
The end of August.
The end of August. I was quick to leave my phone on the couch and rush over to the kitchen to look at the calendar, hitting myself on the corner of the island. Probably gonna get a bruise from that as I held onto that side of my hip, waist, stomach area. Looking at the calendar that was on the fridge…
And on the wall next to it. I didn’t even realize we had two calendars. It’s strange but that doesn’t matter at the moment. I had to figure out basically how long it’s been since I last even talked to-
It’s been almost 8 months since I last contacted them, so I couldn’t help but cringe. So I guess it was finally time to work on Grian’s room. So I just, well, left my phone on the couch and walked in the hallway and began to move Grian’s suitcase towards the room. I hesitated to even go in the room before shaking it off, all over my body and making a stance as I let my arm go out towards the doorknob and held the cool metal against my warm hand.
Deep breath in.
Deep breath out.
The knob is turned, and a door wide open. The room of course is however Grian left it, which was decently organized despite the messes that were made in the outer rooms, unless that was mainly my own messes. Or Martyn’s. Not like either mattered, the outer rooms were pretty clean as of now anyway for obvious reasons. It might have been that Martyn was gone first that his room seemed empty, but Grian’s room still looked…
Lived in. Honestly, it’s kinda creepy. And distracting, onto the task on hand. First it was to roll in the suitcase and place it open to lay open on the bed to just somewhat stuff it. I still had to be careful with everything, making sure things were still neat, clothing out of the closet and placed on the bed to donate somewhere, although I had no idea where I could even find a place in the first place. In the bag went all these little trinkets Grian has collected over the years, little memories of everything that happened between us, in his life, it felt like watching a movie almost. There were pictures of myself when I was younger, our entire family before my- our parents apparently passed away. The ones that hurt had to not only be the one of us together at my graduation, but the one of Martyn’s death, us wearing all black..
I want to throw it out. It’s the first picture that the two of us took together after Martyn died and the last one we took together was almost a year old. The thought of that made me anger, staring especially at how the two of them were also just so close together as well especially with just that being almost basically the same year so I just-
The moon was high in the sky when I woke up again, meaning that whatever I did, I passed out on the very uncomfortable couch, and didn’t wake up till now. It wasn’t the most productive day, Martyn’s room was at least done. I don’t know what caused me to just act out. It’s weird that I would even do that, I mean unless anyone were to look at the sofa. The sofa has stains from where I probably just placed my face down. Cringing came very easy before I eventually got up, trying to whip the stains off my face before just going into the bathroom. There were two choices, starting a shower or just cleaning my face and ripping off the bandaid that was Grian’s room. The second option then. Grabbing one of the few washcloths that was still out, running some cold water since the probability of me ever going back to sleep again for tonight, was just not going to happen. So there I stood once more with a dry face and a very, very, very heavy heart, shaking everything off, it was time to finally finish up.
Time..
Time wasn’t real leading up to the day that I would finally leave. Grian’s room was all finally packed, having to buy another suitcase to fit everything he had. Most were memories, some of myself, others of Martyn, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. The entire process is probably just me learning how to heal in some slight way. Processing is something that's been happening throughout this entire ordeal, especially as I stood at the door of the apartment. Around me and throughout the hall were just so many different suitcases lined up, my blue ones, the singular green one belonging to Martyn’s stuff, and two red ones for the amount of things Grian had. As much as I would love to say that so few days were left and this was just early preparation, but, it wasn’t. The owner of the complex and a neighbor are helping me get all the suitcases and myself to the bus port. The apartment itself looked so empty from where I stood. Everything was clean, with some slight dust rolling around in the sunlight of early spring. There was weight on my heart seeing the place I called home for what felt like so long, I was leaving. Everyone has to move at some point, especially in order to heal. Taking that to heart and trying to let go, I let the door close to my past in order to make way for the future.
The car trip was pretty silent. There was a very small conversation about the new place and how I was even getting there. To be fair, not much could be said. All I knew was that it was a long bus route and that I would probably be the only one on it at most. They both said their goodbyes to me and from there, I just had to walk in and get my ticket. More like show it but it didn’t really matter. Not really anyway. Most people didn’t go on that bus. Most of the clerks never really understood why and there was a slight rumor it was for the kids of the town when they were younger, but at this point they're all the same age as me or possibly older. Gossip and rumors were always something Grian was interested in. But no matter, the time had come as he went to sit in the lounge, remembering that someone was supposed to come up to him so that he wasn't just waiting for the bus, or the clerks were just pulling my leg.
An hour passed. Then two. I couldn’t even complain when the third hour almost passed when two people walked in, chatting and laughing. The blond I recognized. Just how many months ago was it that I came in here to ask about the bus that left to go to Hortensia. There was, what I could assume, either his partner or sister. Her White hair seemed to reach probably past her waist, although it was all in a sort of ponytail or bun, or a mix of both. It was hard to even see what it was in. He looked over to the blond (was it Sol?) just as he looked over at him, a pretty wide smile on his face. He waved towards me, so I sat up and she looked over at me and wow. They HAVE to be siblings to look that similar. Both have freckles but I could see him in her, same face, eyes were different in both shape and color. I never really noticed he had freckles before. Both of them walked towards me, meaning I had to get ready quick. All the suitcases were to my sides, extending to the other seats next to him, his own backpack on one of the chairs.
“So you must be our lucky rider. I’m Lune.” A soft smile on her face. “I’ll be your driver to Hortensia. Let’s bring your bag to the station, my bus should be there. Need help?” My smile was probably somewhat fake and probably a bit on the nervous side before actually understanding her question.
“Oh! Uhh yeah that would be nice. Thank you.” together we each took at least two suitcases, I say at least since I was taking three. The bus was found all the way at the end of the port. Since it stayed here apparently during the months that the driver was staying in the city. The three of us went outside, eventually standing to the side of the bus while the driver opened the door, unlocking the bus, and then starting up the engine as well. From there she opened up one of the hidden suitcase compartments, whatever it’s called, and placed the suitcases I had, in. I stood next to her brother watching before she seemed satisfied with her work, closing the doors, yes she used one or two others so nothing in the actual suitcases got broken. It was very considerate of her, but it probably was also the fact that I was the only passenger on this trip so my suitcases could have just been one in each. Then, she gave me a nod.
“Alright. You can head on in the bus. I’ll tell you a bit more once we’re both on and ready to go.” I gave her a nod before hopping on. The bus, obviously empty, meaning I could basically sit anywhere. Thinking back, Grian would tell me to sit in the front in case of something and Martyn would suggest the back for the sake of, its fun. So I just went to sit down somewhere in the middle, next to the windows that would be to the right of the driver or anyone sitting down in a seat themselves. My backpack was now next to me, a sweater on with my headphones and phone in my pockets. Thinking back to myself and my backpack itself, there was a blanket incase I were to get cold, extra snacks and water, Everything I really needed was on m- oh wow I was nervous, palms sweaty.[ arms spaghetti ] Rubbing my hands off on my pants, I just leaned on the window. Instead of just staring into the seat in front of me, I looked out the window. Sol, I still think , was talking to the driver, I should probably call her by her name . It hurt to see them talking to each other. I watched as they talked, communicating with these big stories it looked like form her, before it seemed to go onto something more serious. Her back, the Driver[Lune], was turned to me, meaning I could see Sol’ face. His expression went from one to wonder to hurt before they hugged. He looked… alone when she turned to the bus, catching my attention when she spoke.
“From here to Hortensia Town is about a two to three day trip. I make about one other stop and stay there for about half a day if you wish to use the bathroom and eat there. It’s just a rest area but it’s worked in the past. I won’t have any music on since I just like being in the silence which means if you want entertainment you should have it. Now that that’s out of the way, I do hope you enjoy the ride.” The smile on her face was bright as she moved from facing towards me into the driver's seat. Looking out and leaning on the window I saw her brother's face as he stood watching from the sidewalk as the bus began to move. His face looked somber while he waved at the bus. From there the ride was silent before I eventually slipped on my headphones and scrolled around for a good playlist I had downloaded before leaning once again onto the window and looking out at the moving terrain as music started to play, finding comfort in the beats, the steady rhythm of the bus and the outside moving past.