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It takes Taekwoon close to a year before he gets used to how raucous it gets being in the group. He still avoids being in a room when all five of the others are being – themselves, often scuttling off when things get a tiny bit too loud, but for the most part he loves spending time with the members. The kids mostly leave him alone, and even Hakyeon knows when to give him space after a while.
It takes about two years before something in him changes.
He still craves solitary time, but somewhere along the way he keeps longing for one presence, one company, one voice to fill his silence.
He doesn’t know exactly how it happened except how it completely blindsided him, this new emotion crashing into him from seemingly out of nowhere. At first he convinces himself that it’s merely admiration, until one day the fondness and fascination engulf him whole and he’s helplessly drowning.
The first time it hits him, they’re flying off to Japan, hours of idle waiting and minimal sleep turning the boys even rowdier than usual. It’s always easy for Taekwoon to smile at Jaehwan’s antics, all of them familiar now to how Taekwoon will openly laugh at him, like nobody else has ever made him laugh before. Today is no different – his lips are curled in a loose smile as he watches Jaehwan hop and twirl around the waiting lounge, oversized sunglasses shielding his eyes. He’s doing an impression of someone covering another person’s song and he’s being obnoxiously off-key on purpose, as always. Hakyeon giggles next to him, and that’s when Taekwoon’s mind starts tuning out the noise and everything falls silent.
Jaehwan has always been unconventionally cute, Taekwoon thinks, but lately that dull, objective attraction has a knack of knocking against his heart a little forcefully, deep-set yearning strumming on his heartstrings. The early morning sun is glancing off the angles of Jaehwan’s face, his wide, pink lips mouthing words Taekwoon can’t even register, sooty eyelashes fanned across his sculpted cheekbones. He blinks and his hearing goes live again, only to discover that Jaehwan’s singing the same song, only in earnest now, voice so clear and sweet, the melodic lilt of it making Taekwoon sigh.
He goes through airport security on autopilot, earbuds stuffed tight so he doesn’t have to listen to his band mates coercing Hakyeon into giving them the roommates they want. It’s in vain, because he’s learned to read lips pretty well and they’re a bunch of the most expressive and loudest guys on the planet and Taekwoon can’t exactly look away.
“Can I room with Jaehwan hyung?” Hongbin asks, eyes carefully wide and pleading.
Hakyeon shakes his head, chewing absently on his gum. “Jaehwan’s with me.”
Hongbin groans, knowing that he’ll be stuck with messy Wonshik, since Taekwoon will never ever settle for anyone other than Sanghyuk now. Wonshik yawns and staggers forward in the line, nudging Taekwoon to move along.
“See how popular I am?” Jaehwan boasts to nobody in particular, linking his arm through Hakyeon’s and leaning against their leader, heads pressed warmly together.
Taekwoon swallows around the sudden lump in his throat, his eyes irritatingly itchy. He hopes he’ll get some decent sleep on the flight – it feels like he’s coming down with something.
/
Fifteen minutes later, Taekwoon discovers that he is not, in fact, sick. They’ve boarded and settled down mostly in their seats, except Jaehwan and Hakyeon are now bickering over who gets to sit next to Taekwoon since neither wants to be next to Wonshik and his blocked sinuses. It looks like Jaehwan has the edge with his sulky pout and puppy eyes, but Hakyeon wheedles and wheedles, and in the end Jaehwan’s sweet nature and soft spot for his older friend wins out.
Hakyeon whoops silently and fits himself into the seat next to Taekwoon, beaming at him brightly when Taekwoon looks at him. Jaehwan slinks over to Wonshik’s side, still wearing that ridiculous pout, petal pink lips quavering theatrically as Wonshik smiles softly at him. Wonshik whispers something to him, and Jaehwan snuggles into the crook of the rapper’s neck, Wonshik petting his head and cooing at him.
A sharp shoot of something spikes up Taekwoon’s spine, leaving behind a sour taste at the back of his throat and a dark shame in his chest. His whole body stiffens, and Hakyeon glances worriedly at him. Hakyeon tips an eyebrow, wordlessly asking if something’s wrong, and Taekwoon shakes his head negative, pasting on a weak smile to convince him.
He doesn’t get any sleep on the flight.
/
In the end, Hakyeon changes his mind. He’s a little more lethargic and achy than he thought, and therefore requires Sanghyuk’s massaging services.
“Good, enormous hands,” Hakyeon always claims, whenever Sanghyuk asks why it’s always him that Hakyeon wants.
Sanghyuk grumbles as he always does, but deep down Taekwoon knows he likes being able to provide something for Hakyeon, just to give back a fraction of what Hakyeon does for them on a daily basis.
The first night is easy, coming back to the hotel bone-weary from rehearsal and hours of photoshoots and a long line of interviews and passing out right after they wash up. They actually wrap things up ahead of time the second day, which means a good few hours of free time in their rooms.
So now Taekwoon is on his bed, facing his laptop, and trying to ignore Jaehwan on the bed beside him. It shouldn’t be so difficult, because Jaehwan is quiet for a change, staring at his tablet with his mouth pursed and brows furrowed. He’s also wearing one of his short shorts, lily-white thighs splayed out in front of him, and Taekwoon can’t believe he’s never noticed those before. He groans out loud unthinkingly, and Jaehwan turns to look at him.
“Having trouble, hyung?”
Taekwoon’s first thought is to panic, because if Jaehwan finds out Taekwoon sort of wants to kiss him and stuff, he’ll die for sure. But then he realizes that Jaehwan’s talking about his work, looking pointedly at the open laptop. “Um, yeah. It’s this song I’m working on.”
Jaehwan suddenly looks very interested, putting away his tablet and climbing onto Taekwoon’s bed, short shorts and thin sleep shirt and all. “What are you working on?” he asks, almost breathlessly.
Taekwoon considers deflecting, certain that Jaehwan will back off if he refuses to show him, but he figures he can at least work out the kinks with some help. He doesn’t have his keyboards with him, but he’s determined to try and finish a part of the song on this trip anyway. “I’m not so sure if this works,” he mumbles, hitting a key to let the melody play.
Jaehwan listens intently, eyes unseeing, and then nods when it’s done. “I think it’s good. Do you have the lyrics for it?”
Taekwoon pulls out his tattered notebook, flipping to a page messy with his scrawl and tiny notes, and hands it over to Jaehwan. He doesn’t do this often, especially not with anyone other than Wonshik – who’s not capable of hiding his true feelings or sugarcoat his opinions, but also kind and understanding enough to not ridicule or undermine Taekwoon’s work. He watches as Jaehwan squints at the paper, a bad habit from before he has his vision corrected.
Jaehwan hums, and points at a cluster of words. “Is this the chorus?”
Taekwoon nods, then bravely and possibly stupidly, asks, “Would you mind doing the chorus for me? I want to hear how it sounds.”
Jaehwan agrees readily, studying the lines as Taekwoon hums and plays a little bit of the music to guide him. Taekwoon starts singing a part of the verse leading up to the chorus, and then Jaehwan’s voice joins him perfectly, and it’s the best feeling Taekwoon can get, he thinks, harmonizing with Jaehwan. They’re both smiling when it’s over, which is stupid, since the song is decidedly depressing.
Taekwoon makes some notes about the melody as Jaehwan watches, unflinching when Taekwoon faces him again, frowning from the attention. “Thank you,” Taekwoon manages, trying to look elsewhere instead of Jaehwan’s face – his beautiful eyes and flushed cheeks.
“Why do you always write such sad songs, hyung?” Jaehwan asks, his expression gentle.
Taekwoon sighs, tongue darting out to wet his lips. “I don’t know,” he breathes, ducking so his hood covers his face. “It’s just how I feel, I guess.”
“Don’t be like that,” Jaehwan says softly. “You know I love you, right?”
Taekwoon squeezes his eyes shut, trying to shut down the sudden racing of his heart. Jaehwan says the words easily to all the members, being as affectionate as he is, and Taekwoon burns with shame at how greedy he’s being, wanting to be set apart from the others, wanting more of Jaehwan. It hurts, and his words are shaky when he speaks again. “I – I love you, too.”
Jaehwan doesn’t say anything, and Taekwoon can hear his own heartbeat, his blood pulsing in his ears. It feels like he’s freefalling and the sound of Jaehwan’s voice is the one that halts his descent, jolting him back to reality.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Jaehwan growls, palming the sides of his face, and then his mouth is on Taekwoon’s, plush and wet.
Taekwoon’s breath is trapped somewhere in his throat, and when Jaehwan shifts closer, lips moving against his, coaxing him open, it comes out as a broken moan. Jaehwan hums in reply, nipping at Taekwoon’s bottom lip, nearly climbing into his lap in his urgency. Something inside Taekwoon snaps, and his mind clears long enough to digest the situation. He pushes at Jaehwan’s chest, not too harshly, but enough to break the kiss.
“We’re not supposed to – the company – we can’t—”
Jaehwan shrugs, on his knees before him, lips bruising so wonderfully. “Doesn’t stop me from fooling around with Wonshik and Binnie all this while.”
Taekwoon’s heart twists and lurches violently, and he chokes out, “What.”
In the dim lighting of the hotel room, Jaehwan grins unrepentantly. “I’m kidding! Oh my god, you should’ve seen your face—”
Taekwoon shoves him, definitely harder this time, and Jaehwan wobbles dangerously on the mattress, cackling like a madman. Taekwoon tugs his hood off, uncaring now that Jaehwan can see his reddened cheeks and watery eyes. “I hate you.”
“Aw, I don’t believe you,” Jaehwan coos, brazenly taking one of Taekwoon’s hands to stroke his own cheek. Taekwoon doesn’t pull away even when he lets go, toying with the bangs covering Jaehwan’s eyes. “Besides, Bin and Wonshik…those two have things going on by themselves.”
“What?” Taekwoon reels back, jaw dropping open. “Since when?”
Jaehwan looks entirely too amused with Taekwoon’s reaction, helplessly smirking at him. “Uh, forever? You’re seriously telling me you didn’t see it?”
Taekwoon feels dumb, possibly still gaping like a loser. “No?”
“And did you not hear them last night? With the moaning and the—” Jaehwan breaks off into a series of creaking noises, and Taekwoon promptly feels his face flushed hot, shaking his head vehemently. Jaehwan sighs, shoulders slumped. “Just my luck that my boyfriend has the sensitivity of a big rock. What have I done to deserve this?”
Taekwoon blushes even more. “I’m not your boyfriend,” he croaks.
Jaehwan quits his dramatic act and stares at him seriously. “Why? I know you’re pretty, but you can’t be my girlfriend.”
Taekwoon pushes him. This time, Jaehwan does tumble off the bed, giggling in between groans of pain. Taekwoon peeks to make sure he’s not seriously injured, but gets attacked with a sloppy, wet kiss on his cheek instead. Jaehwan grins up at him, the big smile that takes up his whole face, the kind that never fails to melt Taekwoon a little inside. It gets harder to breathe, his chest tight with adoration, and yet Taekwoon leans down anyway, pressing their mouths together.
It’s one in the morning and they have an early flight back home tomorrow. He has an armful of best friend making pleased, purring noises into his neck as they cuddle instead of going to bed. Taekwoon thinks he can definitely get used to this.