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Hes not going to jump.
Virgil is sat 4 or so stories above the ground, contemplating how he's going to keep it up. Sure he has things to look forward to, but everything is so hard. It feels like he's constantly fighting something, everything. Slowly, Slowly, he feels like he's giving up.
His first instinct was to call Roman, but he's put his boyfriend through enough, and that goes the same for Patton, and Logan. It's not like he actually needs the help anyway, because he isn't going to jump. He's just sat. On a tall building. Thinking.
So maybe he came up here knowing he could end it. He hasn't written any letters, he has therapy tomorrow, and a really cool concert in 3 months. So he could end it, but he won't, which is why he's not going to talk to anyone, but damn is it getting cold. He left his room of the apartment the squad shared like an hour or two ago, and has been listening to slow, sad music, for most of that time, wandering wherever his feet decided to take him. He hopped on one bus, ended up by his old school, and climbed on a parking garage roof. He thinks of walking across this type of area with his family when he was younger, his parents yelling at him, and his sister pushing him as soon as they stopped. He thinks of how sad everyone looked when he admitted he still was struggling. He thinks of the despair he could be causing if he died, especially without leaving any notes.
His phone, the angel that it is, still has almost full charge. If he needs something everyone's a call away. Just a call away. But does he deserve that? Especially if he's fine in the end, that needless anxiety is useless, and trust he knows how anxiety works. He's cold though, and he thinks of Emile's advice about not being a burden. He should have put on more layers than his pajama bottoms and a loose hoodie, holes in it left by moths, and strings of the sleeves falling apart because of how often he chewed it. He's just been so stressed, and he misses his friends, and he misses not being scared to talk to them, and he misses movie night, and he misses his bed. He isn't going to jump, he has so much to look forward to, but he's so tired.
With a sigh, he picks his phone up, turns it over so he can see his screen. 3 AM. Logan will be up in a few hours to go to work. Patton might be up sooner to make breakfast, and who knows when Roman will wake up. His background is a photo Patton had someone take of all of them when they were in their junior year of highschool on Halloween, which always makes him smile just a bit, remembering when Patton saw it and almost started crying over how sweet it is. That night was a fiasco, so much went down but it's nice too know how much of a bonding point it was for the four. Roman always said no one's to old to go trick or treating, but it was weird not having his little sister around to use as an excuse.
Once Virgil unlocks his phone, he stares at his contacts. Should he really do this? the busses aren't running anymore and he knows that, but he isn't to far away from the apartments. He feels a little empty, like a shell, or a lamp with the light bulb gone. He wants to curl up on his bed, as small as he can get, smaller and smaller, with all the lights off. He wants to be woken up by a soft nudge from his chosen family. And Emile told him that even if he doesn't need help he deserves it, which the other three have been digging into his skull for so long now, he deserves it even if he doesn't need it, he can have help even if it isn't a requirement.
His best friend the coin flip app (sorry Patton all jokes) is open on his phone. Heads for Logan, Tails for Patton. Patton is always tails because he likes dogs, and so Roman and Logan typically fight for the other side. If needed Logan will be tails to show solidarity with his own boyfriend, which he will never admit. He doesn't add Roman to the coin flip, feeling incredibly ashamed of ending up in this position, knowing he could have just asked for someone to sit with him, and maybe watch a movie, or a video essay, or literally anything.
His finger hovers over the coin flip, then taps, then the phone buzzes as the coin turns up and down, up and down, up and down. Heads.
Logan picks up on the third ring. Fast as always. Him and Patton sleep in the same room, but Patton wears ear mufflers due to his hyper sensitive hearing, so the only way Patton hears a call is having a phone under him to vibrate against him. Logan picks up, makes some sort of shuffling noise, a few footsteps, a door opens and closes, and then a light-switch flicks.
"You aren't in your room."
"I know Logan." He feels like crying again, why did he do this, why did he even leave in the first place.
"I'm making the well thought out assumption you are not near the apartment" He sounds slightly worried. He almost never sounds slightly worried. Now Virgil really is crying, softly,
"I. I know. I mean, yah, I'm not. Logan I'm cold, can you pick me up?" He sounds pathetic. So pathetic. Like a little kid. He's still crying, and he has the awful reminder that Roman's birthday just passed, and Logan just started his period. First he takes over a special event, and then he makes his friend who is already having a difficult moment, dysphoria and everything in wack, get even more worried about his stupid freak out.
Car keys jingle through the phone, lots more shuffling, Virgils sniffles, and a door opening.
"Where are you? I'm on my way. We are not going to talk about it on the phone, or in the car, unless you need to. I'm setting those boundaries so the car ride is as safe as possible."
Oh my god. "Oh my god." Logan is so straightforward, every word he says make Virgil feel better, one by one, a serious and gentle voice, a soft tone reminding him firmly how important he is, like its a fact. "Uhm, I don't know if you remember where this is, but you know that parking garage, the one with 4 stories, uh near-Near the highschool?"
Silence. So much silence.
"Our... our old highschool?"
When Virgil nods, he remembers he can't be seen. How grateful he is that he can't be seen, but how unlucky he is that he can't be seen.
"Mhm. That's the one"
"Shit Virge. That's like, an hour long walk. Did you walk the whole way? Don't answer that yet. Yes I will come get you. It will be 23 minutes in the car. I'm going to stay on the phone with you but don't feel required to talk. Let me know if you want silence, or to hear random facts, or about the museum, or about Pattons new thing. He's been tinkering more recently."
"Staying on the phones nice. It's good. Good decision. You make me feel safer Logan. Tell me some random facts if you want?" He might sound a little like a dying battery, repeating things, maybe his words are slower. He's exhausted. He can't wait to sleep when he gets home. His research papers for tomorrow will wait.
"Cool. Ok. Great. Did you know, sometimes polar bear mothers will adopt abandoned cubs from other moms? Or did you know about...."
Logan talks for what feels like seconds. He always gets this shift in his tone when he talks about anything he's passionate about, and things he stores randomly in his brain are so effortless to share, so easy to weave in and out of Virgils brain, that he could listen to the words forever.
"Did you know that there were these lesbian pirates that were supposed to be executed with the rest of their crew, but they claimed to be pregnant to get out of it? I have some more facts but I'm almost to the fourth floor of the garage. I'm going to hang up as soon as I can see you. See you in sixteen seconds."
Virgil let's out a slight snort at the specific time, but as he always does when Logan is specific, he counts. Exactly sixteen seconds till he can see their car. He stands up, as careful as possible, and puts his phone in his pocket. Once even slightly away from the edge, he feels himself stumble, the rest of the movements to the car slow, sluggish.
He opens the door slowly, and slouched into the seat. Opening his mouth is hard. Moving his hand is hard. It's all so hard. Logan turns to the backseat, grabs one of their emergency nice blankets, buckles Virgil in, very careful as so to not touch him roughly, and lays the blanket over him.
"Lets get home. Do you want to alert the other two so they can be there when we talk? Do you want to wait to talk till the proper morning after some rest? Whatever is most comfortable for you is what we are going to do. Nothing to be rushed. You have therapy in 14 hours, if nothing is discussed before then, then that's ok."
With the pros of Logan being straightforward, there are the cons of lots of decisions. While he was heavily in favor of doing things soon as to clear things up, he was giving Virgil the chance to collect himself.
"Can I just tell you first? Like when we get home and stuff? I'll talk to the others after Emile's. And I'll let them know I had a rough night so they know, but I want to start slow." after a sigh from Logan, one he's unable to decide if it's relief, anger, dissapointment, or something else, Virgil feels the nothingness that is his in-between sleep and awake state. He slips in, quiet as a mouse, not able to sleep just yet, body still alive with wires, but not able to stay fully conscious, fully there in that moment. The lights of the underground tunnel Logan knows he loves calms him down. The tunnel adds a few minutes to the usual drive home, which means Logan is driving the long way. For him. He could cry again at such a sweet action. Logan stays silent the whole ride.
When he finally feels back in his body fully, he's taking his shoes off, and then he's on the couch, and then he has a blanket and Logan is sat in his chair, and there are two cups of tea on the table. The clock shines 4:50 AM. It's so late, or early. He grabs the tea with a green tag, mint, and looks up a bit more, to stare at the star on the corner of Logans glasses.
"I wasn't going to hurt myself. I promise I wasn't."
"I didn't say you were. What was happening? One at a time, how did you get there, why did you go there, are you currently safe, is there anything I can do. I'll write it as a list so we can go down it." Logan gets up, grabs the whiteboard under their coffee board typically used for hangman or games of the sort, and writes the list.
"I couldn't sleep, so I wandered. I got to the bus I used to take to highschool, and got on. The whole ride I just kept thinking about my family. Not you guys. The biological ones. After i got off the bus, I just wandered. I found the school, I think it's getting remodeled, and then I found where I used to skip, before I met Patton. and I sat. I don't think I thought about how far I was from home, I just thought about where i was, and how I still can't see the stars unless we're at the farm, and about how many things in my life have revolved around situations like that. I don't have a reason to have gone there. I wasn't going to hurt myself, I swear I wasn't. I don't want to die, I'm just tired. I did go there knowing I could die, i guess, which might have been a comfort"
Logan does not react, as much as he is able. He knows how that can be overwhelming, but he can't help but feel something. He knows his eyes soften in situations like this, even if he denies it.
"Uhm.. as for am I currently safe, I think so? It's hard to tell. I'm tired, I'm scared, I'm overwhelmed, but I'm safe. I don't even think I WAS unsafe. I just needed like, out for a second. I needed to escape or whatever." Virgils moves down the list to the last question. It's a hard one, but he knows he has to say something, so he sits for a second and thinks, taking a sip of his tea and rubbing his blanket between his fingers.
"I don't know if you can help me. You've already done plenty by being here and willing to get me home. You've clearly communicated how you want to keep us both safe and how I should explain this to you. That's all enough. I think I might want you to stay home from work, but I know that it's short notice, so if it's not possible that's okay. I think I don't want to sound stupid or childish but if you would walk me to bed that'd be nice. I think I might need you to write down talking points with me tomorrow so I can know what is important to bring up in therapy. I'm giving you alot, and I'm sorry if it's to much, please let me know, I can ask the other too, but right now you're the only one awake." Holy shit, Virgil is just talking. Every single word ever is coming out of his mouth with no way to stop them. He's so needy. Why does everyone still choose to listen and help him.
"Virgil. I asked if I could do anything, and I know you don't have an outsider perspective, but that is not actually all that much. I am personally still tired, so I can get you to bed now. I have finished my tea, but we can bring yours to your room, as long as we bring it out tomorrow." Logan stands slowly, and when Virgil stands too, Logan grabs his blanket and folds it, putting it under the coffee table with the cleaned white board. He grabs Virgils sleeve, and gently prompts him to take a step. Once they reach his room Logan looks at him,
"Is it okay if I go into your room with you?"
Much to Virgils credit, he hadn't stopped with the small crying, but the double check, the remembering of his sensitivity with others in his space, everything combined made him just sob. He nodded, and Logan opened the door and led him to his bed. Logan stayed by his bed as he got comfortable, bones melting, brain floating away.
"Thank you for calling me Virgil. I know it was hard. I'm going to wake you up in 9 hours, so that you have enough rest for tomorrow. I love you, and I hope you know we all do. Sleep well."
"I love you too" Virgil murmured, as Logan walked away, turning on his tiny night light before the door clicked shut, and Virgil drifted off to sleep, his real family just in reach when he wants them.