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A small knock at her door jolts Ai out of her focus on the choreography she was studying. Kyun had forwarded it to her the day before but she had put it off until now, choosing to enjoy the unexpected free week she got with her kids instead. It was fine, since practice was tomorrow in the evening and this particular choreo wasn't meant to be used until Watanabe's birthday concert which was five months away. She wouldn't regret leaving it for last anyway.
She could probably ask Ruby to help her practice in the morning. She would jump in joy , she muses fondly, imagining her shining eyes and excited yells. It would even help her hone her already instinctive sense for dancing. And , Ai thinks privately, it would be more time I can spend with my daughter .
Her work and popularity had absolutely exploded after the Dome concert, and with the twin's school and Aqua dedicating himself to acting, finding proper time to spend with them was difficult. But not impossible. They had anticipated the exponential rise in her work after the Dome and so she made sure to create a schedule that fit in her kids ahead of time.
She would not miss out on a single second with them if she could help it.
Another knock sounds. "Come in, Aqua!" she calls out, unplugging her earphones. Ruby simply ran into her room so Aqua was really the only one who knocked on her door. It opens with a creak, and she sees her adorable son peeking out around the door before he steps in.
"Did I disturb you?" he asks, eyeing the earphones, the video paused on a demonstration of a dance move and papers scattered around her.
"Of course not! I'm always happy to see you." Her children could never be a disturbance. He gives her a sweet, tiny smile in response, before attempting to climb on her bed.
By himself.
His head just reaches the mattress at eight years old and she stifles a giggle at his red face, shifting aside the papers, leaving them haphazardly piled to the side to clear a space for him.
Aqua huffs a little as he tries to jump up on her bed one last time before she carefully lifts him up and places him in front of her, fond amusement pulling her lips into a grin. "Thanks," he murmurs, keeping his head down. Embarrassment probably. She ruffles his hair, biting at her lips to keep her teasing at bay. Aqua had come here to say something, probably important judging by his shifting eyes. There was time to tease him later, when he'd make playfully sarcastic comments back. She hadn't known a relationship with a child could be so comfortable with a parent like that.
Ai was pretty glad he had come to her today though. She'd been worried about him ever since he came back from set earlier that day. The director's text had arrived informing her about an incident on set and she'd immediately sent Miyako to get Aqua, cursing at her own inability, stuck at an interview as she was, to go get him. Apparently, he had panicked really badly during a scene which involved the friend of the character he played dying from illness in hospital.
She had asked him when he received the full script if he was okay with the highly emotional scene. For all her talent at lying, it looked like her son was even better than her. Dulled sadness tugged at her heart, but she kept her focus on Aqua. She could talk to him about it later.
Aqua had refused to tell anything to her or Ruby when he came back home, tight lipped about the whole day and clearly trying to remove tear tracks from his cheeks before they could see them.
When he'd disappeared into the twin's room, Ai had asked Miyako at least hoping she could give some hint to what happened so that she could help Aqua, but Miyako only released a weary sigh and told her to give Aqua something comforting. So Ai had made his favourite dish for dinner (as much as she could. Thankfully she didn't burn it) and Ruby dragged him off to read a new manga with her, an understanding gleam in her eye. But it hadn't appeared to have helped.
Now, he sits in front of her, eyes trained on his hands and fidgeting with the bedsheet, the very picture of nervousness. Aqua was more reticent than Ruby, and preferred doing everything by himself, so it was rare for him to come to Ai with anything. So independent even at his age. She tried to help him as much as she could, but he would always make excuses. "It's okay Ai!" he'd say, a myriad of other reasons he could handle whatever was troubling him spilling rapid fire. He never responded well if she pressed the issue, no matter how careful she was.
So Ai refused to push, instead letting him gather his thoughts and settled for lightly stroking his hair, smoothing it out.
"Is it okay if I stop acting?" he finally says in a rush, not moving to look at her as his fist tightens on the sheet, bunching it up.
"Yeah, of course!" she says instantly, pulling him into her lap to give him a light hug. She was a little surprised, because it looked like he had enjoyed acting, but whatever had happened today had apparently shaken him enough that he wanted to stop. If doing so would help him then she would do whatever it took to fulfil his wish. "Do you want me to talk to the director? I can get you off from the next scheduled movie too."
He looks up at her, jaw dropped from shock and something in that frozen awe makes her heart ache. Seeing as he isn't going to answer, she decides to push just a little. "Is it because of what happened on set today?" she asks gently, continuing to stroke his hair to soothe him.
"Maybe a little," he says reluctantly, nuzzling into her hand. "But I've been thinking about it for a while." He doesn't seem to want to linger on the topic so she doesn't either.
They sit in the hug before Aqua asks a question that makes her brain stall.
"Would you be okay if I stopped acting?"
Ai blinks. What?
"Why wouldn't I be?" Her confusion is evident enough that Aqua blinks back, just as confused.
"But- you said Ruby would grow up to be an idol and I would grow up to be an actor…doesn't it disappoint you that I don't want to do that?" She sucks in a sharp breath as her heart aches painfully.
The earnest way Aqua blinks up at her feels all too familiar and she kind of wants to cry.
For all her work as an idol has given her, given Ai her children, there are days where it hurts her to put on a perfect smile, tuned to a millimetre, to carry everyone's dreams on her shoulders.
She remembers being eight and abandoned by her mother for failing to be a good daughter. She remembers being twelve and wanting to truly love so badly she gave in at the first opportunity she was offered. She remembers being sixteen and trying her damnedest to love Hikaru-kun the way he deserved. She remembers failing. She remembers being twenty and finally finally saying I love you, to her beautiful children after narrowly avoiding an attack on the way to the Dome concert and that for the first time in her life, it hadn't been a lie.
She had tried her hardest to give what her fans wanted, lying for years, carrying the President's, the company's, and her group's dreams. She remembers how lonely it was.
She doesn't want her kids to go through that. She doesn't want her son to force himself to do something he no longer enjoys just to fulfil her dream.
So Ai hugs him tighter, burying her face in his soft locks and says, pouring all her love into her voice, " Nothing you could do would ever disappoint me," she says fiercely, projecting as much reassurance as she can, to make sure Aqua understands. "You can do whatever you want to do in your life. The only thing that will give me the most joy is you, living happy and healthy. Nothing else matters okay? As your mother, that is my greatest wish. My only wish."
He stiffens in her arms, eyes glassy and wide, before melting into her embrace, shoulders shaking and she feels her sweater grow wet with tears. He hugs her back, sobbing more the tighter the hug gets. She ignores the tears falling down her own cheeks.
Eventually, he stops, growing tired, eyes drooping with a fist now curled into her sweater, face buried in the soft wool to hide his tear streaked face. She smiles at the action, at Aqua acting like the child he was, something he rarely did, even as a toddler. Ai hefts him into her arms, savouring getting to hold him like he was a baby again as she carries him to the twin's room.
Ruby is fast asleep on the bed when they get there, starfished and drooling, tiny nightcap almost knocked off her head. Ai sets Aqua down next to her, gently uncurling his fingers from her sweater, wiping off the tear tracks when he shuffles under the blanket she drapes over him, reaching over to pull the blanket over Ruby too, adjusting her nightcap while she's at it. She waits until his breathing deepens before flicking off the last light left in the room.
"Goodnight Aqua, Ruby," she whispers, going to gently close the door. Ruby doesn't answer her but Aqua does.
"G'night mama," he mumbles, before his breathing deepens again.
Warmth bursts in her chest, all sunlight and starshine, and she has to close the door before she does something like giggle out of joy and wake her kids.
Her last thought before she falls asleep, warm in her own bed is ah, I love my kids .