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‘It’s looking like temperatures will be dropping further this weekend, we could be seeing snow flurries and lows of -5…’
Seokjin sighs, curling further into his blanket as the weather report wraps up on the TV. He’s done everything possible today to avoid thinking about next week: clearing out the cupboards of old food, cleaning the whole apartment, even downloading a new game he’d been wanting to start for a while. But the inevitable lies just beneath the surface, always lurking. Always on his mind.
He slowly unfurls himself from his curled up position, indulges in a slow, lazy stretch, then throws the blanket aside and stands up. It’s best to keep busy, after all. If there’s one thing Seokjin has learned over the years, it’s how to stop himself from spiralling; keeping his mind in check has served him incredibly well, and it’s second nature now to distract himself and switch off the worry, mostly.
Seokjin shuffles out to the kitchen, thinking it’s probably about time to cook dinner - a little early perhaps, but it’s something to do and something he enjoys. He opens up the fridge and immediately mentally smacks himself - of course, he had a huge clearout earlier. ‘What should I do?’ he ponders to himself; ‘Order in? Go out?’ He gazes out of the window at the rapidly darkening streets, the sky a sheet of steel, heavy and foreboding, the people of Seoul bundled up and walking with purpose to get out of the cold. ‘Not going out.’
His thoughts are interrupted by his phone ringing, and from the ringtone, he immediately knows who it is. Jungkook had set ‘Jinjinjara’ as his ringtone on Seokjin’s phone a few years back, and the confusion on Seokjin’s face the first time he heard it had Jungkook in fits of laughter. The memory makes him smile as he answers the call.
‘Oh, JK! I thought you were out today with Mingyu?’
There’s silence on the other end.
‘Jungkook-ah? Are you OK?’
‘Hyung…’
Seokjin’s heart clenches at the sound of Jungkook’s voice. Jungkook is the strongest person he knows, and will normally do anything to keep the atmosphere bright and show people his best side. But from that one word Seokjin can hear that Jungkook is not alright.
‘JK. Can you tell hyung what’s wrong?’
‘I….’ There’s a sigh on the other end. ‘Can I - is it alright if I come over? Sorry, I know you’re probably getting ready for…’ Jungkook trails off, and Seokjin suddenly feels a bit less clueless.
‘You know you don’t need to ask, Jungkookie. My home is your home. Are you far away?’
‘Just at home. I’ll be there in about an hour?’
‘OK, I’ll see you soon. Drive safe, OK? I love you.’
‘Love you, hyung.’
The call ends. Seokjin puts the phone down and sighs, mentally berating Jungkook for keeping his sadness to himself. Seokjin has been worried about Jungkook for a long time now, months even; they’ve had years to discuss this and have talked about it plenty, but now it’s here and it’s happening, Jungkook has started bottling his feelings up. They still see each other all the time, still love spending time together, but their conversations are always safe. Seokjin isn’t one for pretending and often asks Jungkook outright if he wants to talk, but lately he just gets met with ‘I’m fine, hyung.’ They both know it’s a lie, but he knows Jungkook would rather die than upset him, so he’s played along. Till tonight, anyway.
Seokjin picks up the phone again and opens up a delivery app, ready to spend a small fortune on food and alcohol. It feels like they’re going to need it.
—
Seokjin is just putting away the last of the groceries when the intercom goes. He picks up the receiver to hear ‘it’s me, hyung’ and buzzes Jungkook in immediately.
For a split second, Seokjin is shocked to find himself feeling nervous. ‘It’s only Jungkookie,’ he tells himself, surprised by his own reaction. But then again, Jungkook isn’t the only one struggling with his feelings.
Seokjin prides himself on being the best mathyung anyone could have. He looks out for his members, gives them advice, makes them laugh, literally took care of them when they were all rookies just trying to make a life for themselves. Even now he tells Yoongi to take a coat with him when it’s cold and stops Namjoon walking into lamp posts; despite them all being grown adults and living separately now, he won’t ever stop looking out for them. It’s a role where he has to be completely selfless, and that includes his feelings. Seokjin point blank refuses to burden any of his members with his problems - he is their pillar of strength, and if they don’t have that, then he’s useless to them. He can discuss his issues with his same-age friends, his family, and a therapist who Seokjin can’t praise highly enough, but with his members? Not a chance in hell. He won’t have them feeling sorry for him.
But Jungkook knows him better than anyone. He sees Seokjin for who he is, really truly knows the core of him, and will see straight through any facade he tries to put up. So it’s with some trepidation that Seokjin waits for Jungkook to come up to his apartment. He busies himself by folding up the blanket and plumping up the sofa cushions, when he hears the knock at the door. He goes to open it and has to hold back a laugh.
Jungkook is bundled up in a huge puffy coat, thick scarf and chunky boots, dusted in powdery snow; there’s a beanie pulled over his mop of hair, a bag slung over one arm and a mask over his face. There’s hardly any of him on show, except his eyes. Jungkook has always had big, expressive eyes, and right now they’re dangerously shiny, fixed on Seokjin’s face.
Seokjin pulls him into the warmth of the apartment and closes the door. ‘You look so round, Jungkook-ah. Have you been fattening up for the winter?’ he jokes, trying to lighten the mood, poking at the thick puffy coat. Jungkook’s eyes close in what Seokjin thinks is a smile, but it’s hard to tell under all the layers. Seokjin helps Jungkook out of his coat and plucks the beanie off his head, while Jungkook removes his mask and boots. Straightening up, he’s suddenly accosted by Seokjin’s hands smoothing out his hair. ‘Look at this bird’s nest. You can’t start letting your standards go now we’re on a break.’ Seokjin smiles down at Jungkook, but he barely manages to return it, eyes still fixed on Seokjin.
Seokjin softens, cupping Jungkook’s face gently. ‘Go and get comfortable and I’ll get us a drink, OK? I won’t be long. Then we can catch up, yeah?’
Jungkook nods, and Seokjin goes into the kitchen to make them both a coffee, sighing as he prepares the machine. Jungkook is clearly deeply troubled, his usual chatterbox mode swapped for a stoic silence, and it reminds Seokjin of 2018, when life suddenly got insane and Jungkook shut down on them all. It took a lot of coaxing him out of his self-imposed shell, telling him it was OK to be sad, for him to finally talk to them. Seokjin promised himself he would never let Jungkook suffer in silence ever again, and that includes tonight, he reminds himself as he leaves the kitchen, a mug in each hand, and enters the lounge.
Jungkook is standing with his back to Seokjin, looking at the collage of photos on the wall. There’s photos of his parents, his brother and his wife and baby, Seokjin’s school friends, a few pictures of favourite memories from his travels - and then in the very middle, seven specially framed photos. There’s six of Seokjin with each of his members: pulling model faces with Jimin, eating bungeoppang at a winter market with Taehyung, an uncharacteristically grumpy Hoseok with Seokjin laughing at him. And in the middle, Seokjin’s favourite photo ever: the seven of them in their early years, on a day trip out somewhere, looking happy and carefree, and all of them clinging to Seokjin. The photo makes him so happy and proud, and he smiles at it now over Jungkook’s shoulders.
Then he sees Jungkook’s shoulders shake.
Seokjin puts the mugs down and crosses the room quickly, enveloping Jungkook in a hug. His arms wrap round Jungkook’s middle and he presses his face to Jungkook’s neck, hearing him sniffle and feeling his body tremble. Seokjin rocks them from side to side, trying to calm him down, until Jungkook turns in his embrace to finally wrap his arms round Seokjin and cling onto him.
Seokjin sighs gently. ‘This is about next week, isn’t it?’
Jungkook nods against his neck.
‘It’s OK, baby. Let it all out.’
That’s all the permission Jungkook needs to fall apart.
—
It takes a good long time for Jungkook to calm down after that. They move to the couch, where Seokjin pulls Jungkook into his lap and rocks him back and forth gently. It’s always felt natural to Seokjin to be extra cuddly with Jungkook, but now they live further apart and aren’t spending every day together, he doesn’t get to do this as much as he would like. So he squeezes Jungkook extra close, petting his hair and murmuring comforting words to him.
Eventually Jungkook’s crying eases off, and he sits up a little, dabbing at his eyes and taking a deep breath in. Seokjin rubs his back gently.
‘Better?’
Jungkook sighs, looking down. ‘A bit. Sorry hyung, that was… a lot. I don’t know why that happened.’
‘It happened because you bottled it up for too long,’ Seokjin pokes Jungkook’s knee gently, scolding him as kindly as he can. ‘We promised we’d tell each other everything, didn’t we? No boundaries and no secrets.’
‘Yeah, but I shouldn’t be bothering you like this. You have enough to worry about right now. You don’t need to worry about me too.’
‘Jeon Jungkook.’ Seokjin tilts Jungkook’s face up to look at him, staring into his huge, puffy eyes. ‘You are not and have never been a burden to me, OK? I’m glad when you tell me your worries - it means you trust me and I can help you.’
‘I know, but-’
‘No buts. We come as a team, right? Seokjinnie and Jungkookie against the world, just like it’s always been. And we always will be.’
Jungkook looks at Seokjin intensely, shiny round eyes staring straight into him. ‘You don’t know that, hyung.’
Seokjin frowns. ‘Why not?’
‘Because you’re leaving,’ and oh, there it is. ‘We’re going to be apart for years, Jin hyung. You might forget about me, or replace me with someone else, or… or you could realise how much of a nuisance I am. What if we both change too much and you don't want me anymore?’ Jungkook’s voice is panicked now, tears starting to build in his eyes again. ‘Or what if you get hurt? You might get really hurt and I won’t be there to protect you, I don’t know what I’ll do if someone hurts you-’
Seokjin pulls Jungkook close again, suddenly on the verge of tears himself. Jungkook curls into his chest.
‘What if you get bullied in there? What if someone takes advantage of you? It’s so dangerous - you can’t go, hyung, you just can’t!’
‘Nothing’s going to happen to me, idiot,’ Seokjin chokes out, squeezing Jungkook close. ‘They won’t let anything happen to me.’
‘You don’t know that! You’ve heard the stories! Anything could happen and I’m terrified, I’m so scared,’ Jungkook sobs. Seokjin shushes him gently, tries to restore some calm, but on the inside, he’s terrified too. Jungkook has hit the nail on the head and listed everything Seokjin is worried about. It hits a little too close to home and suddenly Seokjin is crying too; all he can do is cling to Jungkook and allow himself a little release.
After a couple of minutes, Seokjin gathers himself and sits them both up.
‘OK, Jungkookie, I want you to listen to me. First of all, thank you for being so honest with me; I know you hate sharing your feelings, but I’m so glad I know how you feel.’ Seokjin takes hold of his hands, squeezing each one. ‘I don’t take that for granted, you know? I understand everything is really scary right now, and it takes courage to admit that. I’m so proud of you. Hyung is always so proud of you.’ Jungkook smiles weakly at the praise, looking down at their joined hands.
‘But we need to talk through these worries. We can’t leave things like this when I go - we need you to be ready, yeah?’ Jungkook frowns slightly, but lets Seokjin continue. ‘So here’s what we’re gonna do. You’re going to stay over tonight, and we’re going to talk about everything - all our thoughts, all our worries. Anything that needs saying, we’re going to say tonight. And then,’ he sniffs, keeping himself in check, ‘we’re going to eat and drink and have fun, Jungkookie, because we won’t get another opportunity like this for a long time. I want us to remember tonight happily.’
Jungkook looks into Seokjin’s eyes, contemplating. Seokjin tilts his head in confusion.
‘Is that OK? You normally love sleeping over?’
Jungkook sighs resolutely. ‘I’ll stay over on one condition.’
‘Go on?’
‘You have to be completely honest with me too, hyung. I know you’re scared too but you’re trying to pretend you're not.’ Seokjin feels his heart sink - he was right about Jungkook’s perceptiveness. ‘But I don’t want you to lie to me. I want to ask you things and get honest answers. Then we can help each other, right? I know there’s things you don’t want to tell me, but I need to know, I want to know everything. So I’m asking, respectfully, if you’ll be completely open with me, just for tonight.’
Seokjin frowns slightly. ‘I don’t know if I can do that, JK.’
‘Please, hyung. This is one of the biggest obstacles we'll ever face, and we’ve always dealt with things together… don’t shut me out now. Especially not now.’
Seokjin looks at Jungkook, really looks at him. His eyes are urgent and imploring, hands gripping Seokjin’s like he’s afraid he will disappear. He looks so tired, so stressed, and he knows Jungkook has not asked this lightly. He sighs in defeat.
‘Alright then. I won’t find it easy, but I’ll do my best to be open with you.’
Jungkook nods then, contented. Seokjin asks himself for the hundredth time why he always gives Jungkook everything he wants.
—
While Jungkook heads off for a shower, Seokjin sets about making japchae and tangsuyuk. The familiar motions of cooking are soothing to him, and as he chops carrots and seasons meat, he finds himself thinking more rationally. They’ve just had an intense half hour, and Seokjin has just agreed to let his guard down completely and tell Jungkook anything. In the aftermath of all the emotion, Seokjin is questioning that decision.
He has always tried to be fair, honest and direct with Jungkook, but that hasn’t always meant telling him all his personal feelings. Seokjin would rather die than worry Jungkook, or have him feel like Seokjin isn’t a safe place anymore - losing the special trust they have would destroy him. Seokjin has a lot of thoughts and feelings about Jungkook, but they’re thoughts and feelings he’s afraid to explore. If Jungkook were to ask him about them, he has a feeling that brutal honesty might be more than either of them can handle. Could this be the undoing of their bond? Seokjin tries to will the thought out of his mind as quickly as it came.
‘Hey, where did all this come from?’
Thankfully, at that moment Jungkook reappears, looking fresh-faced and smelling of Seokjin’s coconut shower gel. His hair is a mess of damp curls, tied up in a little ponytail, and he’s snuggled into a baggy grey jumper of Seokjin’s and some pyjama bottoms. Seokjin’s face softens at the sight of him.
‘I got food in after you called. I know how much you eat, Jungkook-ah - I had to be prepared.’
‘As long as you have snacks too?’
‘Jjondeugi in the top left cupboard.’
He hears rustling behind him, and Jungkook’s pleased ‘ah!’ as he finds the snacks.
‘You sound a bit better. Did the shower help?’
‘Mm. I think I just needed to wash the day away and calm down a bit. I’m a lot comfier now.’ A pair of arms wrap around Seokjin’s stomach and a chin rests on his shoulder, making him smile. ‘It smells great, hyung. Do you need any help?’
‘Hey, I’ve made this a hundred times, it’s fine! But you can pour me a drink if you don’t mind. There’s some wine in the fridge.’
‘OK.’
Jungkook makes no attempt to move, though.
‘Hey, where’s my wine?’
‘In the fridge. You just told me.’
‘Are you gonna go and get it then?’
‘No.’
Seokjin can hear the smile in Jungkook’s voice and proceeds to reach back and hit him on the hip. Jungkook hits him right back on the arm, no hesitation.
‘Go and get it yourself, old man.’
The cooking is abandoned as the kitchen becomes a wrestling ring for the next few minutes. By the end they’re breathless with laughter, and Seokjin rescues the japchae while Jungkook finally gets them their drinks, and everything feels normal again. Sipping his wine, fondly watching Jungkook fussing over the meat, he wonders why he was ever worried. They’d make it through anything, Seokjinnie and Jungkookie against the world.
—
They settle on the couch with their food, Jungkook digging in immediately and filling his face, making appreciative noises as he tries each dish. His angry food face has always been endearing to Seokjin, and he laughs fondly watching Jungkook do what he does best, until they’re both lying back against the cushions, sleepy and full.
‘Hyung, I know you make this all the time, but I swear it’s never been this good.’
‘I didn’t do anything different? And you took over the tangsuyuk so that’s all you.’
‘Not really, you did most of it, I just stirred it at the end. God, it was delicious.’
‘Let’s call it teamwork then,’ Seokjin laughs. Jungkook looks up at him then.
‘I think I know why it’s so good,’ he smiles sadly. ‘It’s because hyung made it for me.’
Seokjin’s heart squeezes. ‘I’ve made this for you loads.’
‘Yeah, you used to make it when we were trainees. I barely even knew how to dress myself back then.’ Jungkook huffs out a laugh. ‘But no matter how hard my day was, I always had Jin hyung’s cooking to make things better. It was such a comfort to me. I don’t know how to describe it, hyung, but I can tell when you’ve made something - it just tastes right.’
Seokjin reaches over to squeeze Jungkook’s leg affectionately. Jungkook sighs, head tipping back to look at the ceiling.
‘What am I going to do without you?’ he asks quietly. ‘I know we can call and write and whatever, but I won’t have you with me. Who will make me tangsuyuk when I’m sad?’
‘You can make it yourself now, Jungkookie. I even taught you myself, remember?’
‘It doesn’t taste the same,’ Jungkook laughs, despite the tear slowly spilling over his eyelid. ‘Just like fighting with anyone else would feel weird. Imagine me trying to wrestle with Jimin hyung - he’d fold like a piece of paper.’
Seokjin smiles weakly. ‘You’d better not get a new sparring partner while I’m gone.’
‘I won’t, as long as you don’t either.’
‘Promise.’ Seokjin links their hands and presses their thumbs together.
‘I just… I can’t imagine you not being there, hyung. You’ve always been there. I think about you leaving and suddenly I feel helpless? I need you to cook for me and drive me places and make me laugh and come over and hug me when I can’t sleep. What will I do without you?’
‘Oh, Jungkookie.’ Seokjin shuffles closer and rests his head on Jungkook’s shoulder. They sit quietly together, both wanting desperately to say something that will magically fix everything.
‘I wish…’ Jungkook sighs, exasperated. ‘I wish I was going with you.’
‘I know.’
‘Why did you say no to me enlisting with you? We could have looked out for each other, hyung. I wanted to look out for you.’
‘You know why. We have a timetable, and you have an album to put out before you can enlist.’
Jungkook scoffs at this, annoyed, but Seokjin is remembering his promise for the evening: to be completely and fully honest.
‘I also wanted to go first, on my own, and let you know what it’s like. So you and the others can learn from my experience and save yourself the more painful stuff.’
Jungkook looks down at Seokjin, taking in his quiet statement. ‘Hyung…’
‘It’s what I wanted. I’m not having you going in there blind.’ Seokjin picks up Jungkook’s hand, playing with the fingers. ‘I know you’re tough, JK, and you don’t need me to fight your battles. But I will not watch you suffer when I can do something about it. You can go in there, knowing what to expect, and have the best experience you can.’
Jungkook is quiet. Seokjin looks up at him and is met with huge, sad eyes.
‘But what about you? Who will take care of you?’
Seokjin’s instinct is to smooth it all over, say he’ll be fine. But he made a promise tonight, and he doesn’t break promises. Especially not to Jungkook. So instead he sighs shakily.
‘No one will take care of me. It’ll just be me, on my own.’
‘That’s not OK, hyung. Doesn’t that scare you?’
Seokjin nods, swallowing hard. ‘I’m terrified.’
Jungkook stays quiet, eyes curious, urging him to continue. So he sits up, and he starts to talk.
—
The day Seokjin withdrew his military postponement was one of the toughest days of his life. It was a simple exercise really - just a quick meeting with the company to inform them of his choice, who then sorted it out for him - but the minute he left the room, he felt uneasy. With that one action the clock started ticking, down and down to a time when he would no longer be free. When he would have to face dangerous situations, freezing cold temperatures, intense scrutiny from his fellow soldiers, the media and the rest of the world, the harsh sounds and sights and smells of war. When he would have to leave behind all his comforts and go through hell on his own. When he would be away from his loved ones for a very, very long time.
Seokjin has always had a nervous disposition, spooked easily by loud noises and reluctant to put himself in harm’s way. Despite having known about his fate since he was little, joining the military is still unthinkable to him. He is proud to be Korean, proud of everything he has done to represent his country whether through singing, dancing, modelling, or acting. These are all things he’s brilliant at - but firing a gun? Throwing grenades? It goes against everything in his nature.
In an effort to reassure himself, Seokjin spoke to his loved ones who had already been through the process. It helped, a little. Every one of them came out the other side unscathed, some of them with a new confidence. But none of them could deny it was one of the hardest times of their lives. And that became all Seokjin could focus on. The worry became constant, thoughts of the trials that awaited him constantly on his mind, and soon his sleep started to suffer. Seokjin has work planned right up to his enlistment date, so while he’s glad to keep busy, he has been exhausted most days. His usual slim frame became skinny, his skin pale, and his usually twinkling eyes lost a bit of their light.
One evening, Seokjin had a rare night to himself and was trying to get some long-overdue chores done, starting a laundry load, when everything suddenly swirled around him, he couldn’t catch his breath, his heart was suddenly pounding pounding pounding, about to burst out of his chest. He sunk to the floor, gasping for breath, struggling to see or hear anything but the thump of his heartbeat, grasping desperately at his chest and the floor and the washing machine and anything he could reach just to ground himself.
It felt like both hours and no time at all had passed when Seokjin came back to himself, curled up on the floor with tears rolling down his face. He took stock of everything he was feeling: exhausted, thirsty, sweaty, confused… and in shock at what had just happened. For Seokjin, who always tried to rely on himself, this was bizarre. How the hell was he supposed to join the military when he couldn’t even make it to the enlistment day without falling apart? What sort of example would this set for his members? His parents would be so disappointed in him-
‘Stop it, Kim Seokjin. You are enough,’ he scolded himself. Now this he was used to: good old low self esteem. He knew how to deal with that. So he took a much-needed deep breath in, slowly picked himself up off the floor, got himself a glass of water, and called his therapist.
—
Jungkook’s grip on Seokjin’s hand is vice tight. Seokjin is too afraid to look at him.
‘Why didn’t you tell us?’
‘And have you all worry about me? No, it was best to deal with it myself.’
‘Jin!’ Jungkook slaps his leg then, jolting Seokjin out of his sad state. Jungkook is angry with him, angry enough to drop the honorific. ‘You know we would have helped you, no question! We always want what’s best for you. Why do you always punish yourself like this?’
Seokjin sniffs, smiling weakly. ‘I’m the mathyung.’
‘So??’
‘So you need me to be strong. You don’t need me crying and making life more difficult.’
‘Bullshit.’
Seokjin looks up at Jungkook, finding his eyebrows knitted in a frown, jaw clenched, and he feels like he’s about to be told off.
‘We don’t care if you’re upset, or scared, or tired or whatever. We don't need you to pretend to be invincible. We need you to just be you, hyung. We’ve come this far because of you.’ Seokjin scoffs but Jungkook continues, fire in his eyes. ‘It’s true! You know that Namjoon hyung can’t do foreign interviews without you next to him? And when Yoongi hyung had his surgery and you made sure he was eating well and called him every day. You make everything better just by being yourself.’
Jungkook wipes his eyes, hand never letting go of Seokjin. ‘And I wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for you. You’ve carried me through the toughest times, and you’ve made me a much better person. I’m pretty great, aren’t I, hyung?’ Seokjin nods, huffing out a laugh through his tears. ‘Well that’s all on you. And I love you for it, so don’t you dare hide yourself away. I love you just for being you.’
Seokjin bites back a sob. ‘Really?’
‘Of course.’ Jungkook’s eyes are suddenly so soft, his voice quiet but firm. ‘You’re my favourite person in the whole world.’
‘Even though I let you down sometimes? With my emotions and worries about myself?’ Seokjin feels like a child, waiting to be reassured and comforted. Jungkook shakes his head fondly.
‘You’ve never let me down, hyung. Not even once.’
Seokjin throws his arms round Jungkook, who immediately hugs him right back.
‘You’re my favourite too, Jungkookie.’
—
Seokjin’s original plan was for them to have some more drinks, maybe get a bit tipsy, play a load of video games together and maybe even break out Dance Dance Revolution - Jungkook always picks the fastest tracks then howls with laughter watching Seokjin’s feet trying to be everywhere at once. He hates the game but will set it up anyway just to see the joy on Jungkook’s face.
But instead, they talk for ages about enlistment. After Seokjin gets over the adrenaline rush of talking about his panic attack, he feels like he can talk about anything at all, and as they drink some more, Jungkook takes every opportunity to ask questions. Things like what he’s taking with him (‘you need your PS5 for downtime, hyung!’ ‘don’t be ridiculous’), how he plans to get through training in the brutal winter they’re having (mostly meditation and an insane amount of heat packs), how he feels about getting his head shaved (‘not even I will be handsome with no hair, JK!’ ‘your face is perfect, hyung, you have nothing to worry about’).
Seokjin takes another drink of his whisky, sighing. ‘I’ll get over it eventually. Everyone else there will be shaved too. Maybe it’ll even be a great new look on me.’
‘When are you getting shaved?’
‘Sunday. Why, are you thinking of coming?’ Seokjin snorts.
‘Why are you laughing! Yes of course I’m coming, I need to support you!’
‘I’m laughing because Jeon Jungkook never wakes up in time for anything. But I guess me losing all my hair is funny enough to get you out of bed, huh?’
‘It’s not funny, hyung. It’s sad.’
Seokjin looks over at where his legs rest in Jungkook’s lap, feeling Jungkook tracing patterns on his pyjamas with both hands. He’s several drinks deep, and Seokjin knows from experience that Jungkook is a very tactile drunk.
‘Yeah, it is a bit sad. But it’s just hair, it’ll grow back.’
‘It’s not just hair though, is it? It’s a symbol that you’re really actually doing this, there’s no turning back.’ Jungkook frowns, poking slowly at the leg in his lap. ‘And it makes hyung sad too. I know your hair is important to you and losing it will make you sad. So I want to be there to… to… unsad you.’
Seokjin chuckles fondly. ‘I think you’ve had enough.’ He sits up and collects Jungkook’s empty glass, heading to the kitchen.
‘Hey, where are you going? And why can’t I drink any more! I’m not even that drunk!’
‘No you’re not, and I want it to stay that way,’ Seokjin says as he returns to the couch. ‘Because we’ve talked about me loads tonight, and now it’s your turn. We said we were going to say everything tonight, right?’ Jungkook stiffens, almost imperceptibly, but of course Seokjin notices. ‘Come on, Jungkook-ah. Clearly you had a reason for coming over tonight, and it wasn’t just to eat all my food and call me old.’
‘I just wanted to spend time with you before you go.’
‘No you didn’t.’ Jungkook frowns at him, hurt. ‘OK, sorry, yes you did, of course you did. But you very obviously have something on your mind.’ Seokjin moves himself closer, taking Jungkook’s hands. ‘You know you can tell hyung anything. You said earlier I’ve never let you down, yeah? So you know you can trust me to keep this between us, whatever it is.’
Jungkook looks up, and Seokjin is alarmed by the fear in his huge, round, suddenly very sober eyes.
‘I can’t.’
‘You can, Jungkookie. You absolutely can. I’m not going to force you, but it would be really great if I could help you and we could get this sorted together. Either way, just know that there’s nothing you can say that would stop me loving you.’
The fear is still present in Jungkook’s eyes but his whole face softens. ‘Promise?’
‘I promise.’
Seokjin keeps his expression neutral, patient and kind, trying to ignore how nervous he is. Whatever Jungkook’s keeping from him must be huge if he can’t even tell Seokjin. Time seems to stop, the silence dragging on as he waits, stroking his thumbs soothingly over Jungkook’s hands, Jungkook staring at him with those wide eyes, searching his face.
Eventually, his shoulders slump. ‘I can’t, hyung. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry but I can’t say it.’
Seokjin feels his heart sink, but quickly collects himself. ‘That’s OK, Jungkookie. Come here.’
Jungkook immediately climbs into Seokjin’s lap and cuddles into him. ‘You still love me, right?’
Seokjin’s heart squeezes. ‘Of course I do. I’ll always love you.’
‘Even though I can’t tell you everything?’
‘Well I don’t tell you everything either, do I? We’re both as bad as each other,’ Seokjin smiles, stroking Jungkook’s back. ‘As long as you’re safe and you’re not in trouble - you’re not, right?’ Jungkook shakes his head. ‘Then I trust you'll tell me when you're ready.’
Jungkook sits back a little to look at Seokjin. ‘I’ll keep trying, hyung. I’ve wanted to tell you this for ages, but it’s just… I keep chickening out. I don’t even know if it’s a good idea.’
‘I’d like to know eventually, if it involves me. But you know you can talk to me anytime.’
‘It’s about me, really. Well, both of us. Me and you…’ Jungkook suddenly tucks himself back into Seokjin’s arms. ‘Let’s talk about something else. Please.’
Seokjin makes a mental note to return to this conversation. Whether he tries again in an hour’s time, in three years when they’re both free, or sometime in between, he’s not sure. But this is far from over.
—
They end up watching TV, a weird quiz show that neither of them have seen before, but it's just wacky enough to hold Seokjin’s interest. After hours of deep discussion, a good amount of alcohol and lots of emotion, they're both completely worn out, so they drift in and out of the quiz show and just enjoy spending some quiet time together.
Jungkook has not moved from Seokjin's lap. They're both laying back on the couch and Jungkook has draped himself over Seokjin like a weighted blanket, snuggled into him, head resting right under Seokjin's chin. Seokjin runs his fingers through Jungkook's hair, rubs his shoulders and back, plants the occasional kiss on his forehead. It feels so nice, so familiar. It's been a long time since they've had a proper cuddle like this, and Seokjin was beginning to think it would never happen again, that Jungkook didn't want that sort of affection anymore and he'd just have to accept it. So this evening has been the best surprise.
He looks down at the soft, sleepy boy in his arms, and his heart soars. Jungkook is his everything, his favourite person, his whole world, and in this moment, he swears he has never loved him more. He squeezes Jungkook tight, unsure what to do with all the butterflies suddenly fluttering in his stomach.
Then he hears a soft snore.
‘Jungkook-ah?’ Seokjin asks softly. He turns the TV off and gently shakes Jungkook, who groans sleepily into his chest. ‘Time for bed.’
‘Don't wanna.’
‘Look at you, you're falling asleep already.’
‘Hyung's fault. Hyung is comfy.’
Seokjin rolls his eyes fondly. ‘Hyung has things to do tomorrow.’
Jungkook sighs. ‘I don't want tonight to end.’ He rubs his cheek against Seokjin's shirt. ‘Cos then I'll have to go home, and you'll have to leave. And then we can't do this again for a long long time.’
‘I know, Jungkookie. I hate it too.’ Seokjin gives him another squeeze. ‘But the sooner I leave, the sooner I'll be back. And once this is all done, we won't have to be apart ever again.’ Jungkook hums in agreement, eyes closing again, and Seokjin takes that as a win.
‘I've made up the second bedroom, just in case you want-’
Jungkook hits him. ‘Hyung's bed.’
He looks down at Jungkook’s little frown and huffs a laugh. ‘Sure?’
‘Always hyung's bed.’
‘I don't know why I even offer you your own bed. You spent half the time in my bed when we lived together, and nothing's changed at all. It used to drive Yoongi insane.’ Seokjin sits up slowly, Jungkook still clinging like a monkey. ‘Come on then, big baby, let's go.’
‘Hyung carry me.’
Seokjin sighs, amused. ‘Now you're just being a little shit.’
‘’M not,’ Jungkook protests, but he's smiling.
‘If I try and carry you and all your bulging muscles, you know I'll just drop you on your head immediately. Now be a big boy and get up.’
Jungkook snorts, lets go at last, and slowly gets up and stretches; Seokjin follows suit and starts turning off the lights. As he heads towards the bathroom, Jungkook now clinging to his back as if he can't be separated for a second, he feels a little pang of nostalgia. This is how countless nights were spent back in their dorm days, and it reminds Seokjin of how much has changed over the years. It's a shame, he thinks, that he didn't make the most of this at the time. Because he's only just realised - he really, really misses it.
—
They bicker fondly as they get ready for bed, Seokjin dabbing toothpaste on Jungkook’s nose, elbowing each other as they brush their teeth, Jungkook poking Seokjin’s sides as he tries to wash his face. It's comfortable, so normal to banter with each other, and Seokjin is grateful for the break from the heaviness of the evening. He can do heavy, he can do serious, no problem. But seeing his favourite person happy is what he loves the most.
Jungkook gets into bed while Seokjin finishes up in the bathroom. He gives himself a minute to decompress, looking at himself in the mirror and taking a few deep breaths. The evening went well, mostly: Jungkook arrived sad but is going to bed happy, so he counts it as a success. But he can't stop thinking about Jungkook's big secret. His instinct to protect and help Jungkook is screaming at him right now, and he just can't let it go. Jungkook will tell him eventually, he's sure of that. But Seokjin needs to know what it is.
‘Not now, Seokjin-ah,’ he tells himself sternly. Jungkook is only here for a few more hours, and Seokjin has burdened him more than enough for one day. He won’t press Jungkook any further and will just go and sleep next to him, make him breakfast in the morning, and send him off with his ‘Jin hyung face’ on. They deserve to part on normal, happy terms. Seokjin owes him that at least.
This plan goes out of the window as soon as he steps back into the bedroom. Jungkook is snuggled up right in the middle of his bed, deep in a nest of covers, and the smile he gives Seokjin does something funny to his chest. He comes over to the bed, trying to squash the feeling down, and pushes Jungkook over to one side, making room for himself.
‘I see you kicked RJ out.’
‘You don't need RJ when I'm here. He needs to understand I'm more important.’
‘There was no need to put him upside down though! The blood will all rush to his head.’
‘Yeah, well, he deserves it.’ Jungkook makes grabby hands at him. ‘Hyung, come here already.’
‘Wait a minute, let me get in!-’
Jungkook pulls Seokjin down forcefully, rolling on top of him and snuggling in, a cheeky grin on his face the whole time. Seokjin laughs as he pulls the covers over them.
‘When did you get so strong?’
‘I've always been strong. Do you see these muscles?’
‘You weren't strong when we first met though. It was only a few years later when you started bulking up.’
‘Yeah, well, I'm all man now.’
Seokjin snorts. ‘Yeah, a big tough man who's been clinging to me like a monkey all night.’
‘Big tough men need cuddles too, Jin hyung,’ Jungkook laughs.
‘You’re right, we do.’
Jungkook smiles into his chest. ‘You're not big and tough, hyung.’ Seokjin looks down at him, affronted, and Jungkook quickly backtracks. ‘No wait, you are! You're one of the toughest people I know. But at the same time, you're so… delicate. You have the softest heart, you're kind and generous, and sweet, and fun… You’re my safe place, you know?’
Seokjin’s mind scrambles under the praise. It's hard to think straight: he's warm, comfortable, well fed and still a little mellow from the alcohol, and Jungkook is here, holding him, praising him. A sudden need bubbles up in him and damn it, he's not squashing this one down.
‘Jungkookie? There's something I want to suggest.’ Jungkook looks up at him curiously. ‘I want us to say our goodbyes now. There's things I want you to know that I don't know if I can say on the day, with everything going on and people everywhere. So I want to say them now while it’s just us. Is that OK?’
Jungkook’s eyes cloud over, but he nods and sits up. ‘Yeah, OK. Oh my God. Right.’
‘Are you sure? We don't have to.’
‘No, we should… I just have to get all my thoughts together. I don't know if I'll say everything I need to say. I don't know where to start.’
‘That's alright, we have plenty of time. That's why I wanted to do this now. Much better than having two minutes in a crowded parking lot, right?’
Jungkook nods firmly, but he looks ashen, fear written all over his face.
‘It's alright, Jungkookie. It's just me. You can say as much or as little as you want.’ Seokjin pats his leg gently. ‘Come back here, let's be comfy for this.’
Seokjin pulls them both back down under the covers, reaching over Jungkook to turn off the lamp, and suddenly they're in their own little bubble, the darkness erasing everything around them so all they can focus on is each other. They curl up close together, facing each other.
‘I'm scared, hyung.’ Jungkook whispers into the darkness.
‘Why?
‘I don't want to say goodbye. I don't want to let you go.’
‘I don't want to let you go either.’ Seokjin whispers. Jungkook's hand curls around the back of his neck, rubbing gently. ‘Can I go first?’
Jungkook breathes out heavily, and nods.
‘I've been thinking about how I wanted to say goodbye to you, and I just haven't been able to decide. I've made plans with everyone else, been for dinner with them, written them letters or whatever, and I made sure that everyone knows that I love them. But with you, I kept putting it off, because it had to be perfect. Perfect is what you deserve. But I realised it couldn't ever be perfect, because I love you far too much to sum it all up in one go.’
Jungkook presses their foreheads together, tears spilling from between his closed eyes.
‘I can't even begin to explain what you mean to me, Jungkook-ah. You've always stuck by my side, ever since we were kids, and you've become the best friend I could ever wish to have. You're so kind and gentle, but you've got such a strong fighting spirit, you're inspirational. You make me want to be my best self every day. And now we're going to be apart, I promise I'm going to make you proud of me, prouder than you ever thought you could be. I'm going to make damn sure you don’t forget about me. I'm terrified someone's going to take my place in your life, Jungkookie, so I'm not going to let that happen. I promise you, I'll work hard every day to be worthy of you.’
Jungkook is shaking, and they’re both crying now, but Seokjin presses on, determined to get everything out.
‘And I know you'll make me proud too. Even though I won't be there with you, I just know you're going to take the world by storm. Because you're Jeon Jungkook. Yeah, you're my Jungkookie, and you always will be. But you're amazing. You're so, so talented, so strong, so funny, so handsome. You'll blow everyone away, everyone will adore you. But none of them will come remotely close to how much I love you. You're my everything. Don't ever forget that, OK? No matter how bad things get, no matter where we are in the world, you're always my everything, always my number one. I'll love you till the day I die.’
Then Seokjin is being kissed.
Jungkook wraps his legs around Seokjin, tangles his hands in Seokjin's hair, pulls them as close together as he can while kissing Seokjin deeply as if his life depends on it. Seokjin's mind whites out and his body takes over, and all he can do is pull Jungkook close and kiss him right back. He loves Jungkook so much, adores him, and the hands snaking all over him and the soft slide of their lips against each other just feels… it feels so…
Jungkook breaks away first, panting for breath. He's a sight to behold, hair mussed, lips swollen, eyes wet but determined. He cups Seokjin’s face with one hand.
‘I love you too. I’m in love with you. That's what I wanted to tell you earlier, that’s why I came over. I'm so in love with you, Seokjin hyung. You’re everything to me, you’re all I’ve ever wanted. And I hate that it took me till now to tell you, I should have told you ages ago, but I was so scared, I didn't want to lose you.’
Seokjin is stunned. He tries desperately to work through the millions of thoughts in his head as Jungkook pours his heart out.
‘But I couldn’t keep it in any longer, I had to make sure you knew before you went away. You have to know just how much I love you. That you'll always have me, I'm all yours, and I want you to be mine too. You’re more than just my hyung, you're my soulmate, the light of my life. I’ve seen you that way for so long now.’ Jungkook sniffs, running a thumb over Seokjin’s lip. ‘God, now I’ve kissed you once, I don’t ever want to stop.’
Seokjin’s heart is pounding. ‘How long?’ he whispers.
‘A few years.’
‘Years. Oh my God.’
‘It doesn't matter, hyung.’ Jungkook is strangely calmer than ever now he’s unloaded everything. ‘It doesn't matter if you reject me either, because you'll always be right by my side. Yeah, I’ll always want more, but I already have so much of you. You're so good to me. And I’ll always be grateful for whatever you give me.’
‘You always have me,’ Seokjin whispers.
‘I know.’ Jungkook’s eyes turn pleading. ‘But I need to know how you feel too, hyung. Because it'll drive me crazy if I don’t know. Do you love me too? The same way?’
Seokjin hasn't been able to look away from Jungkook this whole time. The man lying in front of him is everything all at once. He is strong and courageous, and he is soft and gentle hearted. He is impulsive and rebellious, and he is hardworking and obedient. He is suave and sexy, and he is clingy and sweet. He is Seokjin's baby, and he is Seokjin's protector. Seokjin loves every bit of him. He wants to say yes.
‘I'm so confused. I just… there's so much to think about. How can you be sure it's me you want?’
Jungkook huffs out a laugh, eyes still sparkling. ‘I've dated enough to know the difference between a crush or a one night stand, and when I've found the real thing. I haven't felt anything close to what I feel for you, Jin hyung.’
Seokjin is dazed. ‘This is a lot, Jungkook-ah. Like, a LOT.’
Jungkook sighs deeply, smiling weakly. ‘I think I have my answer.’
‘What?’
‘You’re trying to find the best way of letting me down gently, aren't you? Otherwise you would have just said it by now.’
‘Wait, no no no, Jungkook-ah-’ Seokjin pulls him closer. ‘I’m genuinely just trying to sort my head out. Because you've kind of just shaken the very foundations of my life.’ Jungkook snorts in surprise, and the tension is broken a little, for which Seokjin is glad. He cups Jungkook's neck and sighs, gathering his thoughts.
‘Hyung, please just be straight with me. That's what I asked of you when I arrived tonight, and that's all I want now. Even if it's something I won't like, just be honest.’
Seokjin takes a deep breath and pushes himself over the final hurdle.
‘You know I've always treated you as my favourite dongsaeng. But in the past couple of years, you've become something else to me. Less of a dongsaeng, and more of an equal partner. Someone to rely on and someone I always want by my side… someone I don't think I can live without. I've felt that way for a while now but I've always been terrified by it. You were so young when we met, and we've had such a different relationship till recently.’
‘Do you still see me as a little brother?’
Seokjin takes in the man in front of him, the chiselled jaw, the strong determined eyes, the tattooed hand poking out of his jumper, the confidence with which he’s handling this situation. He shakes his head firmly.
‘Then we don't have an issue. We don't need to conform to anyone's expectations of us, hyung. We have our relationship that works so well, and we love each other so much - that's enough. Yeah, we took a long and weird route to get there. But when has anything about us ever been normal?’
Seokjin stares at him in wonder. ‘How did you get so smart?’ Jungkook just smiles at him, and Seokjin melts. It's making it hard for him to think rationally, being cocooned in Jungkook's love, feeling like it's only the two of them in the world.
Jungkook tilts his head. ‘What are you thinking about?’
‘Kissing you again.’
Jungkook's breath hitches, and he moves closer eagerly, but Seokjin stops him with a palm to his chest. ‘I'm just thinking about it. There's so much to discuss though. Whether it would even be right for us to do this - it will affect a lot of other people, especially the other five. It would be a huge burden for them to carry. And we're already under scrutiny from the whole world, could we deal with any more? How would we keep it to ourselves? And I'm literally about to enlist, oh my God. I don't want to keep you waiting for nearly three years. I want you to actually live your life while you can.’
Jungkook smiles sadly. ‘Damn you and your logical brain, Kim Seokjin.’
‘I'm sorry, I don't want to be a downer. But we have to face facts.’
‘You're right, we do. So let's look at the facts.’ Jungkook settles into the pillows, eyes still determined, and Seokjin can't help but smile at how familiar it feels, Jungkook never letting go without a fight. ‘We have the best team in the world. My hyungs have never let me down, and although I know they'd be surprised by this, they would do anything to keep us safe and happy. The world has been watching us for years already, and I've always been all over you. It's not like much will change there.’ Seokjin laughs; he's not wrong. ‘And I can wait for you, hyung. I've already waited a few years, I can do a couple more.’ He cups Seokjin’s cheek gently. ‘I’d wait forever for you.’
He presses a tiny kiss to Seokjin’s lips, and Seokjin gazes at him in awe.
‘All I need to know is that you want me too. I just need to hear you actually say it. Just once.’
Seokjin smiles. ‘I’m terrified, JK. This is all so much, so fast. It's the wrong timing, it's so complex and I’m still getting my head round it. This is insane.’ He pulls Jungkook closer to him, looks right into his huge, pleading eyes. ‘But tonight you've made me realise that I’ve never felt like this in my whole life… that what you and I have is more special than I ever realised. So yes, I want you, more than anything. I'm very much in love with you too.’
It's unclear who initiates the kiss this time, but it's the best kiss of Seokjin’s life. Jungkook has a way of kissing him that's all-encompassing, almost greedy, winding them together until they're practically one person, and Seokjin already feels himself getting addicted.
Jungkook pulls back and Seokjin feels breathless. He runs a thumb over Seokjin’s lip again, looking as dazed as Seokjin feels. ‘God, your lips. They feel amazing. I've wanted to kiss these lips for so long.’ He dives back in, humming happily as Seokjin's hand winds into his hair. It feels so good, so right. But Seokjin needs to be the responsible one here. So reluctantly, he breaks them apart.
‘Jungkookie.’
Jungkook looks at him as if he's hung all the stars in the sky.
‘I want this just as much as you do. But I need more time to process it, this has been a shock to me. And I want you to experience a normal life for a while.’ Jungkook opens his mouth to protest, but Seokjin puts a finger over his lips. ‘I know you say you don't want that, but I think you need it. Just to let go a little now you have the chance. It would make me happy knowing you're trying new things and being completely free.’
He strokes a thumb over Jungkook’s cheekbone. ‘And while you do that, I can finish my service and make sense of everything in my head.’
‘So you're not saying no?’
‘Not at all. I love you so much.’ Jungkook melts into his touch, smiling softly. ‘I’m asking if we can wait. If we're going to do this, we need to do it properly. Make sure we’re both stable and happy and able to really make this work.’
Jungkook huffs, amused. ‘You’re such a grown up.’
‘Well, one of us has to be. I know you’d rather just get back to kissing me and trust it all works itself out. You're so impulsive.’
Jungkook laughs again, but sighs. ‘I know you're right, hyung. It just makes me sad that you're right.’
‘I know, baby.’
‘I’ll wait for you.’ Jungkook gently runs a hand through Seokjin’s hair. ‘I’ll wait as long as it takes. And we’ll make each other proud, won't we? Just like you said.’
‘And we’ll figure everything out together. No secrets.’
‘And no boundaries.’
Seokjin sighs, relieved, and pulls Jungkook in for a cuddle.
‘Are we good, hyung?’
‘We’ve never been better, sweetheart.’ Seokjin kisses the top of his head. ‘Did you want to say anything else? I know this was meant to be us saying our goodbyes, it just kind of… took a turn.’
Jungkook pulls back a little, so their faces are inches apart. ‘I don't need to say goodbye anymore. Not now I know you're mine.’ He bumps their noses together happily, and Seokjin has never felt more in love. ‘We’ll be together forever, hyung. And I know next week is still going to hit us hard, but you'll come back to me, and I'll come back to you, and everything will be perfect. We just have to wait a little while.’
‘That’s right. We can do this.’
Jungkook’s eyes gaze into Seokjin’s. ‘I just have one more request.’
‘What is it?’
‘Kiss me again? I know we’re meant to be waiting, but… just one more time?’
Seokjin presses his lips to Jungkook’s, who sighs into the kiss happily.
‘We can start tomorrow.’
—
December 13th
The woman on the reception desk bows politely as Jungkook enters his apartment building, nodding his head back at her in response. He crosses the room quickly to the elevators and as the doors close to take him up, he rips off his mask and lets out a long breath, finally alone for the first time all day.
He's just had what was possibly the worst day of his life. Seokjin was gone, really truly gone, and all Jungkook could do was rub the bristles of his newly shaved head in silence, too choked up to say anything. They'd prepared as much as they could for this day, but nothing prepared Jungkook for seeing his soft, sweet Seokjin saluting with the other recruits and then being led away to start training. He fell apart pretty much immediately afterwards, sobbing in Jimin's arms while the others patted him gently, trying to contain themselves. They all knew it would be especially hard on Jungkook, they know how close he and Seokjin have always been. But they don't know any more than that, yet.
Jungkook wonders now if confessing his feelings to Seokjin made things better or worse. He feels bereft now, one half of a whole, knowing that the love of his life is locked away from him and they can't even talk to each other for a while. Jungkook doesn't know if his heart will survive this: it's only been a few hours and already he feels lifeless. But then he thinks of the night he confessed, the incredible rush of joy when his feelings were returned, how Seokjin wouldn’t stop kissing him until he fell asleep, happier than he’d ever been… no, he wouldn't change it for the world.
The elevator arrives at Jungkook’s floor, and he steps out, more than ready to sink into a hot bath and process the day. Jimin and Taehyung had tried to insist on coming back with Jungkook, not happy leaving him on his own, but Jungkook needed the space to wallow for a while. He managed to placate them by promising they could come round tomorrow and check on him, but for now he was ready to just let himself fall apart.
A large box sits outside Jungkook’s door, evidently delivered while he was out, and he doesn't pay it much attention as he unlocks the door and steps inside. But as he picks it up, he notices the handwriting. It's from Seokjin.
Jungkook barely lets the door close behind him before he takes the box over to the couch, heart thumping in his chest, both excited and afraid to see what's inside. He rips the tape off and opens the lid to see three wrapped packages and an envelope; he imagines the contents of the envelope will make him cry more and he's not ready for that, so he picks up one of the packages. It's big, soft and squishy, and he has the weird feeling that he's opening birthday gifts. The surreal thought makes him smile, the first time he's done so all day.
Jungkook laughs as he unwraps the package to be met with the face of RJ. The very same RJ he kicked out of Seokjin’s bed a week prior. ‘Sorry, buddy,’ he tells the plush, squeezing it tight; it smells of Seokjin and it makes Jungkook’s eyes well up again. ‘I’ll treat you well while your appa’s away. You can sleep in my bed, yeah?’ Jungkook knows Seokjin sent RJ to comfort him, and even though it's just a funny little gesture, he feels his heart glowing.
He moves onto the next package, something square and hard, and something wobbles inside when he shakes it; he then bursts out laughing when he unwraps it to find a plastic tub full of tangsuyuk sauce. Of all the things Jungkook expected to be gifted in his life, a container of sauce was not one of them - certainly not one wrapped in fancy blue gift wrap like the other two gifts. He can't resist lifting the lid though and dipping his finger in; it tastes perfect, like Seokjin just brought it in from the kitchen. Jungkook replaces the lid and sets the sauce aside, smiling fondly at how wonderfully weird Seokjin is, and making a mental note to get the best quality pork he can find to do the sauce justice.
The last package is soft as well, but flat. Jungkook suddenly doesn't want to open it: enjoying the gifts has helped him feel like Seokjin is back with him for a while, and he doesn't want it to end. But he has a feeling he knows what this last gift will be, and as he opens it, he holds back a sob as he's proved right. It's Seokjin's favourite pink jumper: super soft and cuddly, big enough to swamp even Seokjin's broad shoulders, and the one Jungkook makes a point of stealing whenever he can, much to Seokjin's annoyance. He doesn't hesitate to take off his coat at last, followed by his own jumper, and pulls the pink garment over his head. It feels like he's being held by Seokjin, and it's almost too much after the day's events, but it's deeply comforting too. He buries his nose in the sleeves and pulls RJ into his arms for good measure, and just lets himself calm down for a moment, breathing in Seokjin's scent.
Eventually, he's ready to face the envelope. Opening it with trembling hands, he pulls out a letter, written in Seokjin's familiar scrawl. Jungkook wishes he had the patience to hold himself back more, to take care of himself first and be mentally ready before he reads it. But he knows himself well, and instant gratification is more his style. He lays back on the couch, RJ tucked under one arm, and starts to read.
He laughs at parts of it and sighs at others, and by the end of it he is in floods of tears again. But it feels right. Seokjin knows Jungkook will be heartbroken. He knows Jungkook better than he knows himself. Seokjin has proven how much he loves Jungkook, and will always love him. He's taken every step to make this easier for him, reassured him, but let him know they are both allowed to be sad, they are allowed to cry.
So Jungkook cries. He cries for hours, cries himself to sleep right on the couch, and when Jimin and Taehyung arrive the next morning, shocked at his appearance, Jungkook cries on them some more. He allows himself to just feel for once, to just be, and it's freeing. He doesn't stop worrying about Seokjin, not for one second. But Jungkook trusts him, and every word of his letter. He knows they will make it. He knows they will be together in the end. And in the meantime, he will pick himself back up, grab life by the horns, and show Seokjin what he's missing.
—
To my Jungkookie
Surprise! I bet you didn't expect to be getting anything from me so soon. But like I said to you last week, I was trying to plan a way to say goodbye to you. OK, falling in love is pretty good, but nothing beats presents, right? I plan to shower you with gifts when I’m back, JK, but this will have to do for now.
The tangsuyuk is freshly made by my own fair hand. You kept saying how nothing was as good as mine, so here's your very own sauce for when you need some home cooking. There's a few portions there, so when you're really missing me, fry up some pork and heat up the sauce. I want to know you're eating well, Jungkookie; I know you neglect yourself when you're sad. So please eat well, for me. Enjoy your food, and eat with friends - you need people around you.
RJ is there too; he's apologised for hogging me, and he just wants to be friends. Perhaps you can look after him for me? He's well behaved - he just needs a lot of cuddles, I know you can give him that. In all seriousness, JK, I hope he comforts you. It's just a plush toy, but he's given me a lot of comfort, and I want you to have that too. Think of him as an extension of me. You need to know as well that he will always come second to you - if I ever need someone to cuddle, you come first, always.
And I know you need me cuddling you too. I know that's why you always steal my jumper, so now I'm giving it to you. Wrap it round you when you miss me and pretend I'm there with you. There's no shame in that, JK, so don't hold back. And don't bottle everything up inside either. Talk to the people around you if you're sad, let them take care of you. You're incredibly strong, I know that, but even superheroes need support. I wish I could be that support for you.
I'm just going to say it - this whole situation is shit. This is the worst, and I’m angry, and scared, and sad. I know you are too. But the worst thing of all is the timing. We’ve just found each other, properly, but we haven't had enough time to do anything about it. I'm so sorry it took me so long to realise, Jungkook. All I want is for you to know how much I love you, and I feel like I didn't do a good enough job last week. I stand by the fact that we need to be sensible about everything, but I need you to know that I'm head over heels for you. I want us to be together forever. I want you to live with me again, and wake up to your sweet face every morning. I want us to do everything together, share all our experiences, whether it's finally winning a Grammy, or cleaning the floor after Bam’s been sick on it in the night. Just as long as you're by my side, loving me, that's all I need to be happy.
And one day I'm going to make you just as happy. It's OK to be sad right now, JK. You are allowed to be sad. Just know that happiness is coming, and that no matter what happens, no matter how far apart we are, I am and will always be completely, irrevocably in love with you.
I’m going to take the best care of myself. I promise I won't get hurt, I won't get sick, and I’ll stay safe. And I'm going to absolutely kick ass in there, you just watch. I'm going to make you so proud, JK, you'll be so so proud to call me yours - I won't settle for anything less.
I’ll call you as soon as I can. Please be well for me, jagiya. We can do this.
All my love
Seokjinnie