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Seokjin just finished watching the Minimoni Album Exchange for RPWP. He was in his military bunk bed, preparing to go to sleep. It will be 19 days before his date of discharge. He doesn't know what to feel.
He's excited of course, to be back in the world, back to his family. Most especially, back to ARMY. He was even able to write enough lyrics to be included in KSJ1. But there is no Namjoon to go back to.
He found himself crying again. It's been 543 days since he enlisted, 542 days since he broke up with Namjoon. It's been fifteen fucking months and he's still crying over it. It's for the best. Breaking up with Namjoon is for the best. He keeps repeating it to himself like a mantra.
Namjoon was supposed to enlist at the same time as Hoseok. That way, they will be separated just months apart. But Namjoon decided to push back the date. He wants to release another album. Who is Seokjin to hold him back? What is 8 months more?
But it's not the length of their separation that got Seokjin to call off his 5-year relationship with Namjoon. He already feels he might be a dead weight that holds Namjoon down. All he wants is for Namjoon to soar, reach for his dreams, make music that saves millions.
Who is he? What has he contributed to Namjoon's life? He's so jealous of San Yawn to have been the catalyst to encourage Namjoon and pursue this endeavor. Namjoon's circle is so wide that Seokjin could get lost in it. Amongst all the people that have influence in Namjoon's life, he doesn't think he's one of them.
So he breaks up with Namjoon. He's better off with someone who will add colour to his life and not someone as colorless as he is. Listening to the lyrics of RPWP just confirmed his thoughts. He never knew Namjoon felt that way. What kind of boyfriend would he have been if he didn't notice those signs of Namjoon feeling lost?
💔💔💔
Namjoon was relieved to get everything out of his chest after RPWP was released. He was thankful for the opportunity to be able to release another album, and he knew he did his best. It was a good distraction to keep himself from spiraling downward, thinking of so many what ifs and could bes . But there was an emptiness in his chest that made him question it all – is it all worth it?
If he entered at the same time as Hoseok, it won't be long until he finds himself back in Seokjin's arms. Now there is no Seokjin to go back to. He knew both of them would stay professional, no matter what – break-up or no break-up. They already went through so much together to know their bond as a group won’t be tainted by just a mere breaking of hearts . Their members would definitely understand, but he cannot let them bear extra baggage.
He misses Seokjin. So much. So much that it hurts. Did he listen to it? Did he like it? Is he proud of me? At this point, no charts nor articles could validate what he is feeling. He only wants Seokjin's validation. All he needs is Seokjin's validation.
❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
It's June 12, 2024, the day of Seokjin's discharge. He just came back from his parent's house and savored the lunch his mother had prepared. Nothing could match the comfort of a mother’s cooking. Their manager then escorted him back to his apartment, ready to ease Seokjin back to his life of being an idol.
As they arrived, some of the company staff were already there, setting up decorations for his Weverse live. He greeted everyone, thanking them for their hard work. But he noticed that there was an odd person sitting oddly on the balcony of his apartment. His heart started to beat erratically, as if it recognizes that the familiar figure is the very reason for its rhythm.
He slid the door open. "Namjoon-ah? What are you doing here?"
If they were still together, he would've run to him, embraced him, hugged him tight, pepper his face with kisses all over while mumbling a series of i-miss-yous and i-love-yous. But they weren't together anymore.
"Hyung, you're here!" Namjoon jolted upon hearing Seokjin’s voice. Seokjin walked towards him and Namjoon observed how his features became more defined. More buff (of course), sharper jawline, but has the same beautiful eyes that used to only look at him with love.
"Hi. Uhh, so what's up? Are we discussing something or what? Has there been a talk with the company about a change of plans?" Seokjin is blabbering at this point, he wishes Namjoon would just talk already instead of staring at him.
"Oh. Uhm." It hurts Namjoon to think that the first thing that comes to Seokjin's mind is that this is a business transaction. But why else would he be here anyway? "I...i just came to check-up on you, hyung. You know, if you're okay..."
"Well yeah, I'm...doing fine I guess. The staff are here to take care of me. Manager-nim already ran me through my schedule." Seokjin wishes for this awkward moment to be over. Why is Namjoon really here? Nothing makes sense. "You, uhm, took a leave for today? Do you uhh, have any other errands?"
"No, none at all. I just came to see you."
Seokjin is trying not to be oblivious, but his denial game is betraying him. He knows Namjoon is here because he wants to see him. But he has to stay his ground. He cannot crumble. Not anymore.
"Thank you, Joon-ah. As expected of our leader!" trying to /normalize/ the conversation.
Namjoon frowned at that. "I'm not here as a leader, hyung. I'm here, maybe…I don't know, an ex? Your ex? It just doesn't feel right, hyung. It doesn't feel right that we aren't together." He is looking at Seokjin with eyes silently begging to take him back.
When Seokjin entered into a relationship with Namjoon, he knew he would never be the priority in his life. He knew that music would always come first. He knew that he would always have to share Namjoon with others. He knew he cannot demand his time, but even so, he loved Namjoon so much that he could take whatever he would give.
"Namjoon, you're better off without me. I'm just holding you back. I don't want you to look back on your life 10 years from now regretting being with me because you weren't able to do the things you dreamed of. You deserve someone who will bring you to new heights, discover different worlds. And I can’t be that person for you. I'm just me. I’m the guy who is content with MarioKart and Maplestory. I’m no good for you, Joon-ah.” Seokjin is trying hard not to burst into tears.
“Hyung, how could you say that?” Namjoon said in disbelief. He stepped a little bit closer to Seokjin, his body language assertively trying to prove a point. “You never held me back. You are the reason words bleed from my pen, the reason for the melodies that flow from my heart. You are the anchor that grounds me. You are my own support system. I don’t need anyone else. I only need you.”
“You deserve someone who is an active participant that contributes to your success, Joonie. I'm just a silent passenger in your life. I can’t do much. I’m sorry.” Seokjin couldn’t look at Namjoon anymore.
“That’s not true hyung.” Namjoon is still looking intently at Seokjin. “You may think that you haven’t done anything, but what you don’t see is you have touched every part of me, hyung. I am a better person because of you. You make me want to better myself. You are the reason I want to persevere – for the group, for ARMY, for myself, for US.
I don’t think I can move forward without you, hyung. I don’t know if I can be a leader of BTS anymore, nor be RM. Heck, I don’t know if I can be Kim Namjoon. For my every persona, there’s an imprint of Kim Seokjin. You are part of me, hyung.”
Seokjin is just staring blankly ahead, still holding back his resolve.
Namjoon’s already sobbing. “Do you not love me anymore, hyung?”
That’s what broke Seokjin. Hearing those words from Namjoon makes him yearn to be back in his embrace and prove that he never stopped loving him. He let out a loud sob, already bawling his heart out from suppressing it for so long.
Namjoon couldn't take it anymore and took Seokjin into his arms. “I want to make it right with you, hyung. Please.” They are now both a crying mess, overwhelmed by each other’s tears.
“Do you mean that, Joon-ah? Will you forgive me? Will you take me back?”
“Always, hyung. Always. I’m sorry if I made you feel anything less than how much I love you.”
“I love you, Joon-ah. I always had and I always will. I’m so, so sorry.”
They pulled away to look into each other’s eyes. What was once a sorrow has now been replaced by love.
“So are we okay, hyung?”
“Yeah, okay.”
“I love you, hyung.”
“I love you, my Joonie. Always."
Take my heaven
Cause you ain’t inside it
If that’s your delight
Come ruin my vibe
–fin–