Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

DutchDaddy: For international purposes, I have switched back to my ‘Dutch Daddy’ nickname

Cody: I could’ve scored that header if I’d actually played

O’Ryan: I could’ve scored that header if I was a giraffe

DutchDaddy: Alright, you two can get some header practice in against Iceland

Cody: YAY

O’Ryan: YAY

Ibou: Virg, I bet you I can replicate that header against Canada—three times

DutchDaddy: I should switch my name to “ TiredDutchDaddy ”

Adrian: 😂

AdventurerJoel: Now you know how I feel about you

DutchDaddy: You’re a month younger than me

Adrian: as for you, Ibou, don’t you feel a little bad for Mr. Marsch?! He’s already going to be led out to slaughter in Bordeaux today

Ibou: Considering how we struggled against Luxembourg, Canada might stand a chance if Kylian wakes up on the wrong side of the bed

Domi: OOOH HUNGARY DID THE LORD’S WORK

O’Ryan: YOU BEAT ISRAEL AND PROVED YOUR WORTH

Joey: good choice for once Domi

Domi: can't argue with that 😕

Robbo: SCOTLAND IS ON FIRE NA NA NA NA NA NA NA

TheGreekScouser: YOU DREW WITH FINLAND NA NA NA NA NA NA NA

Trentski: hey guys

Robbo: TRENTSKIIIIIIIIIII WHAT A GOAL!

Joey: it feels so weird to be chatting in our team group chat without the boss

Ali: Yeah 💔

Kells: same bro same

Jarell: don’t even bring that up that still hurts

CuJo: BROOOOOO I’m already watching sappy holiday flicks on Movies24, I don’t need something real to cry about now

Trentski: stop that Joe , it’s bad enough that I’m sharing a room with Ollie Watkins

Thiago: KOSTI YOU’RE ALIVE

TheGreekScouser: We are literally sitting next to each other by the pool

Thiago: oh yeah

BabyStefan: and the description of what you’re doing can stop there , thank you

WhiteShadow: how’s Morocco, Stefan?

BabyStefan: Really cool! I even found a frying pan that I can use to smack you whenever you’re talking too much

WhiteShadow: AYOOOOOO?! Respect the White Shadow!!!

DutchDaddy: sorry, I stepped out for a moment

DutchDaddy: anyway, GUESS WHAT DAY IT IS! GUESS WHAT DAY IT IS

Adrian: oh no I know that look

Ali: Virgil I swear, you don't have to destroy them

DutchDaddy: what do you mean?! Forktards are sitting around on Twitter, calling you homophobic slurs during PRIDE MONTH, of all the times

DutchDaddy: And some of the Mexico fans were doing it IN THE STADIUM DURING THE GAME, TOO

Kells: fork them

Robbo: foaming mustards

Marcinho: WHAT THE HELL that's so wrong

Trentski: As your vice-captain, I want their numbers so I can go after them

DutchDaddy: THAT'S THE SPIRIT!!!

Adrian: Are you okay, Ali?

Ali: I will be

Darwizzy: LUCHO LEXI DO ANY OF US PLAY MEXICO SOON?

Lexi: nope

Lucho: sorry, we don’t

Darwizzy: oh well, at least I pre-obliterated their dignity by scoring a hattrick against them

Wataru: I cannot believe that, out of all people, YOU scored a hattrick

Darwizzy: me neither, but I STAYED ONSIDE

Lucho: WEPAAAAAAA THAT’S MY GUY!!!!

Lexi: We need to celebrate

DutchDaddy: REMEMBER?!! IDIOTS ON Twitter

Ali: Virgil this happens all the time, just ignore them

DutchDaddy: doesn’t it hurt a little?!

Ali: ...

Ali: ANYWAY, let’s talk about Enni!

Kells: face it bruv , you’ve adopted him too 😂

Dannsy: what about meeeeee

Ali: don’t worry, I’ve got you Jayden

Ibou: of course you adopted Endrick

Ali: but he’s SO TINY

WhiteShadow: Trey’s tiny

Ali: And I’ve adopted him too

EgyptianKing: Maybe we should just call you the team babysitter 😆

Harvey: It would make sense , Ali’s got youngsters following him around like ducklings everywhere he goes

Jarell: can I be a duckling too 🥺

Dannsy: you’re already a duckling buddy

Adrian: Not like Ali doesn’t follow Taffa around everywhere

DJota: Yep, a two-metre keeper following a nearly sixty-year-old man around the pitch like a lost child 🤣

Lexi: speaking of which, how’s the old man ?

Ali: Taffa’s good

Ali: Right now he’s complaining about how hot it is in Texas

Ali: The United States suck

Conor: Same in Spain , we had to take a cooling break last night

Jarell: CONOR

WhiteShadow: GET A ROOM

Conor: WE’RE NOT LIKE THAT!!!!

TinyTrey: 🙄 don’t think I forgot the Southampton game guys

Conor: 😳

Jarell: 😳

Ali: We had to take a cooling break too , Conor! Although it didn’t help much

DutchDaddy: I watched the game last night , the captain’s armband is looking good on you 😉

Cody: 🏳️🌈 🪗 🎶QUEERUS ROMANTICUS! QUEERUS ROMANTICUS! QUEERUS ROMANTICUS, QUEERUS ROMANTICUS🎶🪗 🏳️🌈 

DutchDaddy: IT’S A COMMON FACT!!!!

Jarell: and of course, you had to point out that common fact 😏

DutchDaddy: oh go ride into the sunset with Conor

AdventurerJoel: wasn’t it three in the morning, you silly man

DutchDaddy: it was, and I watched it anyways

O’Ryan: and now the mighty Dutch Daddy nearly fell asleep in his cereal bowl this morning

Ali: 😂😂😂 Come on Virg , you didn’t have to do that

DutchDaddy: I’m going to sleep now, goodnight

TinyTrey: It’s morning

(DUTCHDADDY has left the chat.)

(BOSS+7 other members have entered the chat.)

Boss: ARNE’S AT THE WHEEL! TELL ME, HOW GOOD DOES IT FEEL

WhiteShadow: More like how smooth does his head feel

EgyptianKing: I should’ve considered all the bald jokes we’d be making before I shaved my head

DJota: no kidding

Ali: BOSS YOU’RE BACK!!!!

Boss: Hello Bobby Clark, I assume you’re talking about my head?

Cody: oh crap

O’Ryan: AAAAARNE SLOT

Boss: Yes it’s me

Ali: WHAT KIND OF BAD JOKE IS THIS

TheGreekScouser: that’s right, go search for your work dad

Darwizzy: HOLAAAAAAAAA

Boss: I’m guessing you’re Darwin

Darwizzy: que???

Lucho: That’s Darwin for ‘nice to meet you’

Robbo: why haven’t you even called? #neglected

Boss: I’ve been trying to leave you guys alone so you can prepare for your international tournaments in peace

Trentski: I don’t mean this to come out the wrong way, but could you please change the name from “boss”? It just feels…

Conor: SO WRONG

Wataru: YES

Ali: WARU YOU’RE ALIVE

Wataru: fork you

Ali: thank you, how did you sleep?

Boss: Sure

(BOSS has changed chatname to HEADHONCHO)

HeadHoncho: you like it?

Trentski: Much better

WhiteShadow: TELL US ABOUT YOURSELF FORKER

Adrian: What he means is ‘Introduce yourself to the class please , sir ’

WhiteShadow: that’s not what I meant—

Adrian: shhhhhh

HeadHoncho: Okay, so my full name is Arend Martijn Slot. I was an attacking midfielder in the Netherlands before retiring in 2013

HeadHoncho: I’m 1.84 metres tall, I’m 45 years old, and my birthday is 17th of September, 1978

Harvey: FINALLY WE’VE GOT A VIRGO FOR MY ZODIAC RAP

SarcasticMilner: NOT THAT GODDAMNED THING AGAIN

HeadHoncho: 🤨

Ali: IT’S OVER

HeadHoncho: 🤨

Ali: THERE’S NO PUNCTUATION FOR THE EMOJIS, MY LIFE HAS BEEN RUINED

Trentski: WHERE ARE THE PERIODS?!

(ALI has left the chat.)

HeadHoncho: 🤨

WhiteShadow: No wonder you love emojis so much , they’re bald like you

HeadHoncho: shut up

Cody: That’s actually a good point Bobby

Harvey: HOW HAVE I NOT PULLED THAT JOKE ON TAFFA AND FLACO YET????

HeadHoncho: Is Ali always like that????? IS WHITE SHADOW ALWAYS LIKE THAT??????

Adrian: Ali’s not always this...sullen

Adrian: He's not had an easy time with things lately, and he usually has a hard time adjusting

Adrian: I'll go talk to him right now, brb Slot!

HeadHoncho: don't worry, it's okay Adrian

HeadHoncho: You can call me coach btw 😀

Adrian: Okay, coach! 😀

Adrian: And on a lighter note, White Shadow is always like that

Darwizzy: Cuéntanos una historia sobre tus días como jugador, coach! Por favor 🥺

HeadHoncho: Por supuesto

Darwizzy: Tu hablas espanol?! 🤩

HeadHoncho: no, pero yo hablo Google Translate

SarcasticMilner: great, now he makes JOKES! 😒 how do I passively aggressively hate this guy now?!

(ADRIAN has pulled ALI into a private chatroom.)

Ali: I'm sorry Adri I am 😭

Ali: The boss is gone, and most of the staff are gone, and now Slot is here but I just couldn't stand seeing him with the boss's chat name and acting like he's been here forever and using emojis without punctuating them, and now I've offended him and he hates my guts before we've EVEN MET IN PERSON 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Adrian: hey hey, calm down, okay? it's going to be alright

Adrian: you're not the only one who misses him, so do I

Adrian: But the boss said it himself--if we're going to get places with Slot, we have to welcome him here with open arms

Ali: I know 😔 but I just can't act like I'm fine when I'm not

Adrian: that's okay! how you feel about all of this is perfectly valid, especially since you've been here for a long while compared to some of the others

Ali: It'll never be the same again

Adrian: It won't, but how about you and Slot try again?

Ali: what's the point? he'll still be new here and I'll still be sad

Adrian: have you ever fully listened to Hey Jude?

Ali: not really

Adrian: It's a long one, and you should really have a listen, but the first couple of verses go something like this

Adrian: 🎶Hey Jude, don't make it bad/ Take a sad song and make it better/ Remember to let her into your heart/ Then you can start to make it better/ Hey Jude, don't be afraid/ You were made to go out and get her/ The minute you let her under your skin/ Then you begin to make it better

Adrian: Basically it's saying that when we have new people in our lives to fill the roles of those we love, blocking them out isn't the best solution for anybody. Rather, if we welcome them with open arms, we'll make them feel more welcome while helping ourselves heal

Ali: That's...deep

Adrian: Ready to try again with Slot now? 😇

Ali: I think so

Ali: Thanks Adrian, I don't know what I'd do without you

Adrian: You'll find out , you have a strong heart

(ALI and ADRIAN have rejoined the main chatroom.)

HeadHoncho: and that's how I ended up rescuing small Virgil from a rushing car on the highway

DutchDaddy: wow, I almost forgot that happened

AdventurerJoel: Thanks for making sure Virgil stayed alive, coach 😃

Trentski: 👍

EgyptianKing: For some reason, I feel a bit better about this now

WhiteShadow: are you sure you couldn't have just left him there

Ibou: 🤣🤣🤣

Wataru: DAMN RIGHT KID

DutchDaddy: RESPECT

Robbo: Or-derrrrrrr

Adrian: BOBBY

WhiteShadow: fiiiiine , thanks

Tacito: heyyyy Adrian you're back!

Darwizzy: Is Ali back yet? Le extraño 🥺

Ali: I'm here, Darwin

Darwizzy: oh bien!

Lucho: Slot was just telling us the story of how he first ran into Virgil and saved him from a speeding car on the highway

Ali: Wow...

HeadHoncho: Hey Ali

HeadHoncho: Wait, I can call you that, right?

Ali: yeah

Ali: sorry about...earlier, my reaction and everything

HeadHoncho: It's okay, change is scary. You're not the only one here that's still trying to float

HeadHoncho: I probably should've eased into things a little more, so apologies on that

Ali: That's okay

Ali: If I wasn't frying my gloves off in Texas at the moment, I'd hug you

Ali: but only if it's okay! don't want to scare you away or something

HeadHoncho: 😅It's okay

HeadHoncho: How about we save the hug for when you get back to Kirkby?

Ali: okay

Chapter Text

Robbo: THE SCOTSMAN IS WOUNDED! THE SCOTSMAN IS WOUNDED!

EgyptianKing: That’s because your sunburn-prone posterior is currently in the Maldives soaking up the summer sun and turning into a lobster

Trentski: hey, at least you’ll match our kit

Robbo: sthu

WhiteShadow: OOOOOH WE GET TO SLAY THE HOUSE UNDERNEATH THE OCEAN

Wataru: PLEASE SAY SOMETHING NORMAL FOR ONCE

HeadHoncho: sorry guys, White Shadow got into the caffeine pills again

HeadHoncho: I can’t believe we actually have those

SarcasticMilner: 🫵😡 WELLNESS CHECK TIME! 😡🫵

Diogo: You are the only one who could ever make a wellness check threatening and it is scary

SarcasticMilner: SLOT! Are you reading the manual that Klopp left behind?

HeadHoncho: Which one?

SarcasticMilner: 🤨

Trentski: NOOOoO YOU’RE TURNING INTO ANCELOTTI

HeadHoncho: It turns out that your former boss ended up writing twenty-one—

WhiteShadow: Pilots?

Darwin: WISH WE COULD TURN BACK TIME

Lucho: TO THE GOOD OLD DAYS

Lexi: WHEN THE WORLD DIDN’T HAVE COVID-19

Ibou: BUT NOW WE’RE STRESSED OUT

Wataru: Ibra’s stressed 😱

Adrian: For a moment there, I thought Ibou was immune to stress

Ibou: well I’m not

Ibou: what do you expect when OLIVIER keeps being DUMB all the time?!

Ibou: and KYLIAN keeps talking about his fancy-pants contract at The Club That We Do Not Speak Of

Robbo: ( lordandrewmcenroeofkiltlandthesixty -sixth.jpg)

SarcasticMilner: insufferable little fork

Lucho: AWWWW he’s so cute!

WhiteShadow: Coach, can I have a bunny 🥺

HeadHoncho: we’ll see

Dannsy: Can I have one too 🥺

HeadHoncho: If I had hair, it would be grey by now

Harvey: GUESS WHAT DAY IT IS! GUESS WHAT DAY IT IS

SarcasticMilner: Please say it’s the day I can whack you over the head

EgyptianKing: hi Harvey!

Robbo: HARVEYYYYYYYyy mY MATE

Harvey: Hi Mo! Hi Robbo! 🥰

Harvey: TODAY’S THE FIRST OF JULY!!!!

SarcasticMilner: We know that, we have calendars 😒

Conor: wait a minute…doesn’t Fabio’s loan finish today?

Harvey: THAT’S THE POINT! 😦 MOOOOOOOO I need your help, i have to get Fabio FLOWERS and everything

Robbo: 😏 🌈

Harvey: okay , but you go ahead and explain to me how the way you talk about Mo’s physique is straight

Trentski: BUUUUUUUURN

Harvey: don’t let me get to you and Dominik

DutchDaddy: thank goodness we got an easy team

Cody: It could’ve been easier

O’Ryan: Yep, we could’ve gotten Belgium 🤣

Ibou: THERE YOU ARE OLD MAN!

DutchDaddy: i am NOT old! Has anybody SEEN Kostas’ eye bags before?

Stefanito: about that…Tio Kostas is doing shooting practice 👉👈

Trentski: well, there’s only one thing to say about that

Adrian: SOMEBODY CALL THE POLICE

Harvey: awww come on, do we really need to do that? I was hoping we could get Kostas in the Youth Men’s Combat Association

SarcasticMilner: You just wanted an excuse to run around with swords and sing “YMCA” every day

Harvey: precisely

Trey: DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN

Jarell: IT’S FUN TO FIGHT IN THE

Conor: WHYYYYYY EM CEE AY

WhiteShadow: IT’S FUN TO STAY AT THE

Dannsy: WHYYYYYY EM CEE AY-AY

(ALI, SISENOR, MARCINHO, and LORDANDREW have joined the chat.)

Ali: GUESS WHAT DAY IT IS! GUESS WHAT DAY IT IS!!!

Robbo: RAMIIIiIII DID YOU SEE MY PICTURE OF MCENROE?!

Ali: I did!!!! 🥰 he looks so ADORABLE in a bowtie

SiSenor: Ali, the topic

Ali: oh right! 😀

Ali: MARCELO’S BACK EARLY!!!!!

SarcasticMilner: oh kill me now

Lexi: ALL HAIL MARCELO

Marcinho: FINALLY I get some respect!

Lexi: come on Milly, if it wasn’t for Marcinho I would never had gotten together with Martin

Darwizzy: i could've done with that

Lucho: DARWIN

Darwizzy: but now you and I don't get to hang out with Lexi anymore

Lexi: you'll live

SarcasticMilner: MILNER IS LEAVING THE BUILDING! EVERYBODY OUT OF THE CHAT

SarcasticMilner: GOOD FORKING NIGHT

Ali: But we didn't get to sing Bobby's song yet--

(SARCASTICMILNER has kicked everyone out of the chat.)

Chapter Text

Ali: NOT AGAIN

Ali: not AGAIN

Ali: NOT AGAIN WHYYYYYYYYY

HeadHoncho: is he okay?!

Kweev: oh, he's fine, he's just having yet another midlife crisis

HeadHoncho: i just got Trey's head out of a jar, I open up the groupchat , and THIS is the thanks I get?

Marcinho: gee, you're already done with us, aren't you ?

Dannsy: well, I'M done with FSG's eternal bull

Tiny Trey : yoooo what's up, guys?

Virgil: your head was in a JAR?!

Tiny Trey: it was a big jar of strawberry jam and there were the little bits inside!

Domi: “ little bits inside” my well-toned posterior, the bits are an abomination

Dannsy: THEY SOLD WHITE SHADOW!

Jarell: WHAT THE--

Conor: NOOOOOO

Marcinho: two years, two Bobbys gone from the team

Trentski: sometimes I forget that Bobby is White Shadow's real name

Ali: I never did

Ali: Because he shares a name with my best friend

Ali: AND NOW HE'S GONE

Wataru: i thought white shadow drove you crazy in choir 'cause he didn't follow instructions?

Ali: a bit, but another Bobby left, AGAIN

FIFANerd: ahhh, flashbacks?

Ali: flashbacks...

Virgil: on the other note, though

Virgil: that's THREE of our best choir members gone, with Black Light and Fabio gone, too

Virgil: what are you going to do now, Ali?

Ali: i'm too depressed to think of anything right now

Ali: be right back everybody

Robbo: some of us prefer to be left back 😜

Ali: who even cares?! i'm going to curl up on the bed with bobby jr and cry again

Marcinho: look Ali, I don't like this any more than you do, but at least Lijnders will take care of him

Harvey: Plus, from what I've heard, White Shadow will have lots of fun in Salzburg

Ali: you two are too sweet 🥺

Ali: but it won't stop me

Kweev: I’ll join you

EgyptianKing: awww , goalkeeper solidarity!

Kweev: nope, I’m just mourning the loss of my straightness

Marcinho: wow, you HAD straightness?!

HeadHoncho: I thought everybody was queer in this club

Cody: well Adrian's straight, but he’s really supportive

Domi: i’m not straight either 😃!

Trentski: 😒 we are literally dating

Domi: then WHY were you flirting with Jude?

Trentski: 😳 WE WERE NOT FLIRTING

Wataru: tell that to social media

Wataru: people are calling you the new glamour couple of the football world

Trentski: I want to bury myself in a three-metre hole

Robbo: shame, you just got over the Sheffield United incident after the Euro final

Trentski: ANDREW I AM IN YOUR WALLS.

Kweev: anyways, back to my very important problem

Kweev: I saw some of Trent’s photoshoots for Nivea and I don’t think I’m straight anymore

O’Ryan: Congrats for finding out your queerness after everybody else did 👍 😏

Kweev: oh, go back to the bench

O’Ryan: see you there

Lucho: OOOOOOH 🔥

Darwin: BURN 🚒

Cody: what the…

Darwin: lo siento, I missed again

HeadHoncho: 🙄

(WHITE_SHADOW has joined the chat.)

White_Shadow: HELLO

Dannsy: IT’S ME

Tiny Trey: I WAS WONDERING IF AFTER ALL THOSE YEARS

Conor: YOU WOULD FINALLY LIKE TO MEAT

Conor: *MEET

Ali: I can’t believe you’re leaving

White_Shadow: SHEESH i’ll be fine

White_Shadow: Lijnders and Matos are going to let me live in their house

Wataru: Send Lijnders and Matos my condolences

Cody: 🤣🤣🤣🤣

O’Ryan: 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Darwin: 🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓🐓

Darwin: sorry guys, I missed again

EgyptianKing: I’ll send my condolences, I feel sorry for them

White_Shadow: HEY RESPECT THE WHITE SHADOW

White_Shadow: at least Trey will miss me

Tiny Trey: no I won’t, I’ve got Jayden

White_Shadow: 🏳️‍🌈

Tiny Trey: go fork off to Salzburg

White_Shadow: i’m on the PLANE to salzburg bro

White_Shadow: don’t worry, I will be BACK

White_Shadow: somebody’s gotta do Bonnie Tyler cosplay

(GREEKSCOUSER, THIAGO, ADVENTURERJOEL & ADRIAN have joined the chat.)

GreekScouser: GUYSSSSSSS GUYSSSSS

Thiago: ignore my crazy fiance, please

GreekScouser: that word sounds so hot

Thiago: it’s literally french, of course it’s hot

Ibou: merci mon ami 😎

Lucho: nobody’s talking about you, anime nerd

Ibou: why don’t you actually get an interest of your own

AdventurerJoel: OOH THAILAND DO YOU KNOW HOW I ROLL

Virgil: JOELLLL!!!

Cody: “😍💞 💖 💗 JOOOOOEEEEEELLLLL 😍💞 💖 💗” 😒 make up your mind bro

Virgil: what the…

O’Ryan: do you want Ali or Joel?! Make up your mind

Cody: relax, Ryan, he can’t help it if he’s so hot he gets all the guys

GreekScouser: he didn’t get me

Thiago: look what I found while rummaging through my belongings!

Thiago: (babyme.jpg)

Lucho: aww 🥰

Dannsy: you were such a cute baby, Thiago!

HeadHoncho: you’re right, he was

Ali: I HAVE BEEN CURED FROM MY SORROWS

Ali: YOU WERE ADORABLE

GreekScouser: excuse YOU! He is adorable now

Stefanito: you two have a lot in common, but eyebags is the one that stands out for me

Darwin: QUE LINDO

GreekScouser: I want a baaaaabyyyy Thiago

Thiago: it’s not that easy carino

GreekScouser: but whyyyyy

Thiago: because of BIOLOGY

Cody: 😳

Robbo: 😳

Ibou: 😳 it’s high school biology all over again

Tiny Trey: wait you’re telling me THIS IS WHAT’S NEXT?!

White_Shadow: 😏

Tiny Trey: oh shut up

Thiago: speaking of babies, congratulations Mona!

IronChef: what congratulations?! I feel like i’ve been running after the kids all day, every SECOND OF THE DAY

IronChef: and I’m craving potato chips with asparagus

GreekScouser: I’d take all that if it means we got a baby 🥺

Tacito: Kosti, that’s the baby fever speaking—

GreekScouser: (smallme.jpg)

FIFANerd: bro, if you were trying to convince Thiago to have a kid by showing him your baby pictures, I think you’ve permanently scared him out of it

Virgil: 😂

JoeyG: EVIL 😂

Darwin: ✝️

Ali: HOW did you miss that?!

Darwin: That’s what I thought during the Las Palmas game

Darwin: and then I scored, but i was offside again

Lucho: DARWIN STAY ONSIIIIIDE

Darwin: lo se 😔

Adrian: WHO RUN THE WOOOOORLD , GIRLS! GIRLS! WHO RUN THE WOOOOORLD , GIRLS! GIRLS!

Ali: and here am I thinking you went to Spain to retire

Kweev: nope, you bring up some crazy Beyonce track

Adrian: EXCUSE ME?!! THIS IS GOLDEN

Darwin: ¡¿QUIÉN DIRIGIE EL MUNDO?! ¡CHICAS! ¡CHICAS!

White_Shadow: EXCUSE YOU YOU HAVE RUINED BEYONCE

Cody: Beyonce was already ruined

O’Ryan: HERESY

Jarell: I’ll just listen to my Scott Joplin records

Domi: even the boss doesn’t act that old

Lucho: does anybody want to share a room with Darwin and I ?

Lucho: it’s been empty ever since we exiled Alexis from living in Kirkby

Marcinho: MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEEEEEE

Lucho: to qualify for this, you need to answer the Lucharwin quiz!

Thiago: I’m out 🙄

Lucho: one—complete the lyric!

Lucho: “no one, no one, __”

Ali: no one can get in the way of what i feel for you

EgyptianKing: I thought you didn’t want to do this

Ali: sorry, now I’m thinking about Flaco

Jarell: I feel you bro , i would be the same way if Conor left

Conor: please don’t tempt fate, f sg are maniacs

Trentski: by the way, let’s get to important business!

Robbo: THE PREMIER LEAGUE IS BACK!

HeadHoncho: And we haven’t even signed a flipping gecko 😒

Ali: GECKO?!

Lucho: GET THAT F**KER OUT OF HERE

Stefan: HIT IT!!!

Darwin: SET IT ON FIREEEEE

GreekScouser: USE A BROOM

IronChef: SLICE IT INTO BITS

Virgil: 😑 guys. It’s a GECKO.

Ali: when you see one of those fat, CLEARISH, SLIMY vermins, you won’t say it’s “just a gecko”

Cody: I’m getting ideas 😏 you in, Ryan?

O’Ryan: if it involves scaring the everliving Gucci out of Virgil, I’m all for it 

FIFANerd: 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 have you seen Brentford’s kit?!

IronChef: OH MY LORDDDDDDD I saw it 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 it looks like they’re auditioning for the Barbie movie

Lucho: who would be Ken then 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

O’Ryan: oh Bryan, definitely Bryan

Stefanito: or a Pepto-Bismol commercial

Robbo: I remember when we had a hot pink goalkeepers’ kit

Ali: 😳 please no

Robbo: Lucky for you, Virgil only saw the “hot” in “hot pink” 🤭

Ali: QUICK DIOGO ROAST SOME MORE KITS

FIFANerd: lucky for you, there’s Chelsea to spare your blushes

FIFANerd: (chelsea'shomekit.jpg)

Conor: 😂😂😂😂 WHAT THE FORK IS THAT

IronChef: it looks like somebody spread mayonnaise on it 😂😂😂😂

EgyptianKing: Chelsea flops again 😏 what the HELL is Cole doing?! Modeling ?! 😂😂😂

Virgil: not like you can do better

EgyptianKing: uh, HELLO?! If I wasn’t already the Egyptian King, I would be the Summer Topless Photo King

Robbo: ALL HAIL THE KING

Trentski: can anybody be straight here for once?!

Domi: 😼

Trentski: 😼

FIFANerd: (premierleaguekits.jpg)

Harvey: PFTTTTTTT WHAT THE HELL IS THAT BOURNEMOUTH THIRD KIT?!

Ibou:  It looks like Diogo designed it 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

FIFANerd: i am in your fifa game

Ibou: there goes me winning for the foreseeable future

Jarell: DID BRENTFORD BORROW KIT IDEAS FROM THE JAMAICAN FLAG?! 😂😂😂😂😂

Harvey: I TOLD Fabio he should’ve stayed here

Harvey: Our home collar may look like a stripe of toothpaste, but at least we aren’t vacationing in Kingston and staying in the Barbie Dreamhouse 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

JoeyG: OMLLLLLLLLL

Ali: might i ask. WHAt. THE. FULL-FLEDGED FORK is that on Leicester's kit?!

HeadHoncho: 🤣 It looks like PacMan🤣🤣🤣🤣

Domi: WHERE?! PACMAN?! Why can’t we get Leicesters’s kit designer?!

Ibou: bro have you seen their away kit? It looks like something Florrie and Kairo will do in kindergarten 😆

IronChef: EXCUSE YOU, my kids make better art than that!

IronChef: my unborn baby can probably make better art than that

IronChef: as for me? I’m not sure…

JoeyG: Don’t worry, Mona, you’ll always be a better artist than Mikel Arteta 🤣 

IronChef: Thanks 🙄🤣

Lucho: Crystal Castle need to be sued, their kit is going to trigger somebody’s light sensitivity

Darwin: que?

Darwin: AHHHHHHH MIS OJOSSSSSSS

Conor: que viste, Darwin?

Darwin: ERLINGGGG

Kweev: ewwwwwww

Ali: what an ugly piece of wet sourdough bread

Ali: I’ve seen some good-looking No. 9s in my life, but he is not one of them

Ali: For example, Bobby—

Ibra: thank you Ali, we ALL know how good-looking your twin is

Ali: I’m just saying that he has no need for Tinder

Cody: GAHHHHHHHH

Tiny Trey: what is it, Cody?

Cody: BRUNO FERNANDES ALERT! BRUNO FERNANDES ALERT

Tiny Trey: lemme see…

Cody: you’ll regret it

Virgil: yes you will

Harvey: that is one ugly piece of—

Virgil: HARVEY!

Tiny Trey: EUGHHHHHHHHHH GODDAMIT WHAT THE HECK?!!!!

Tiny Trey: HE RUINED A PERFECTLY GOOD SHIRT

Trentski: what do you mean?! All three of the Man. U kits are crap

Wataru: is that really an unbiased opinion, though? You’re a scouser

Trentski: what do you think, mr . unbiased opinion?

Wataru: Allow me to adjudicate

Wataru: I adjudicate that all three of the Man. U kits are crap.

Adrian: 🤣 finally you say it

Ali: is Newcastle trying to be Barcelona?!

White_Shadow: they’ve got it wrong, Barca are actually in the Champions' League this time

Ali: I showed the picture to Bobby Jr. and he ran under the covers, poor thing

HeadHoncho: does Nottingham even bother to change their home kit?!

EgyptianKing: I don’t think so

SarcasticMerlin: if Brentford is going to audition for Barbie, Southampton’s giving them competition 🙄

Robbo: i love you Milly

SarcasticMilner: not the time

HeadHoncho: ATTENTION! IMPORTANT THINGS

White_Shadow: maybe we should make an online gaming club and i can continue trying to whip Diogo

FIFANerd: it is ON

SarcasticMilner: SILENCE!!!!

HeadHoncho: Thank you

HeadHoncho: now, as you all know, we're travelling down south for our first match

HeadHoncho: I don't know anything about travelling in England, so I figured we'd follow your old boss's travel schedule, including the rooming assignments

HeadHoncho: so everybody, get ready to hop on the bus at 14:00, okay?

Ali: yes gaffer 👍

Harvey: 👍

FIFANerd: okay! 👍

Virgil: Yes sir 👍

EgyptianKing: got it!

Wataru: OK

Tiny Trey: can I come?!

Dannsy: me too, i am NOT letting injury make me miss my first trip east

Tiny Trey: we already went east, when we went to Wembley

GreekScouser: WHO WON THE CUP?! LIVERPOOL, LIVERPOOL

Lucho: I saw the map, and Ipswich is even more east than London

Tiny Trey: WHOA

Ibou: so we're basically going to France 🤣

Wataru: we're a little bit off France, Ibou

Jarell: Like, a whole ocean XD

Trentski: I've never been there

SarcasticMilner: I went there when I was younger than you, Trey

Tiny Trey: really?

SarcasticMilner: yep

SarcasticMilner: I didn't play, but I tagged along

Robbo: the ancient relic speaketh again 🤭

SarcasticMilner: shut it Robbo

Chapter Text

Trentski: SHUT UP UNITED 🤫

Ibou: YESSSSSS WHAT A GAME MES FRERES!

Ali: THREE CLEAN SHEETS OUT OF THREE GAMES YESSSSS

Darwizzy: 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳

Cody: RYAN MY MAN

Waru: nice work, Ryan, now can I get my spot back please 😒

O’Ryan: 🤣

Ibou: 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Kweev: 🤣🤣🤣 sure grumpy old man

Waru: WHAAAAAAAT I AM NOT OLD

Ali: you’re younger than me

Diogoal: he sure doesn’t act like it

Waru: sthu

Waru: but WHAT A GAME

Conor: THERE’S A PARTY GOIN’ ON RIGHT HERE

Jarell: A CELEBRATION TO LAST THROUGHOUT THE YEAR

Lucho: CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES, COME ON

JoeyG: BA-BA BA-BA-BA BA-BA BA

Fede ☀️: CELEBRATE FULL TIME, 3-0!

Mama: BA-BA BA-BA-BA BA-BA BA

Darwizzy: NUEVOS AMIGOS 😁

Ali: 🎵MAMA, OOH🎵

Kweev: 🎵NOW YOU’VE JOINED OUR SIDE🎵

CzezhMate: 🎵SOMETIMES I WISH WE COULD’VE HAD YOU THIS FALL🎵

Ali: welcome to our Goalkeepers’ Union, Mama 🤗

Mama: 👍 I can’t wait to join you guys next July

Fede ☀️: and THAT, miei buoni amici, is why I secured the immediate move without thinking TWICE

Fede ☀️: i can’t WAIT to move into my room in Kirkby and eat breakfast with you guys and share a LOCKER ROOM—

Domi: 🤨🏳️‍🌈

Trentski: 🤨🏳️‍🌈

Ali: 🤨🏳️‍🌈

Harvey: 🤨🏳️‍🌈

BabyTrey: 🤨🏳️‍🌈

Fede ☀️: okay i GET it that wasn’t straight whatsoever 🙄

Waru: who are we kidding? Have you SEEN the pictures of him and Dusan together at Juve?

Fede ☀️: WATARU PLEASE NOOOOOOOO

Waru: (fede&dusanbeingTOTALLYstraight.jpg)

Fede ☀️: NOOOOOOOOO IT’S OVERRRRRR

Fede ☀️: MY SOCIAL STATUS IS FOREVER DEAD

Cody: awww, don’t worry, Fede 🙂

Fede ☀️: thanks, Cody

Cody: that was Virgil with Joel all the time

Virgil: 🤬 WHAT

O’Ryan: “😍💞 💖 💗 JOOOOOEEEEEELLLLL 😍💞 💖 💗” —Virgil van Dijk, said from 2017 to the present day

Kweev: for a creepy reason i have a feeling you said that before

Cody: I translated Virg making heart-eyes towards Joel EVERY DAY into this simple but powerful phrase, and then sent it to Ryan so we can pester him with it every day

Trentski: UGHHH WHY DIDN’T WE DO THAT ROBBO?! We’ve lost our touch since last summer

Robbo: probably because YOU were making heart-eyes towards Domi since last summer

Trentski: goddamn you Domi

Domi: 😏 🌹 🌈 😍 💖

Trentski: I forgive you 😍

Trentski: and btw, Robbo, don’t think you were any better with Mo this summer

Fede ☀️: wait, so Robbo and Mo are a couple?

Ibou: What did you think they were 🙄😆

Fede ☀️: OMGGGGG THIS IS SO COOL CONGRATS

Mama: are there any other boyfriends here?

Harvey: let’s see…

Harvey: There’s Robbo & Mo, Domi & Trent, Jarell & Conor

Jarell: HARVEYYYYY you were supposed to WAIT to tell everybody that!

Conor: jeez, he can’t keep ONE secret

Robbo: YESSSS FINALLY

Darwizzy: 👍 😃

Virgil: As your captain, I approve highly of this!

Kweev : YES LAD I KNEW YOU HAD IT IN YOU

Waru: oh, FINALLY you admit it

Waru: You two were dancing around each other since before Charles Darwin theorized evolution

Darwizzy: que?

Waru: No, Darwin, not you

Ibou: There’s Kostas and Thiago, but they’re not boyfriends because THEY’RE ENGAGED

Stefanito: And I get to be the flower boy 😍

Ali: YES STEFAN! Although i have to say, i’m a bit jealous

Robbo: I think thirty-one is a little too old to be a flower boy 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Ali: oh, quiet

GreekScouser: The position of my best man is still open if anyone wants it

Waru: i’m OUT

Conor: not me

BabyTrey: I’ll do it!

GreekScouser: it’s not that open

BabyTrey: WHAT THE FRICK I’D STILL DO A BETTER JOB THAN DIVVY

GreekScouser: 😏 you just gave me an idea

Virgil: ANYWAYS, back to the game! 

Ibou: We did GREAT

Harvey: not all of us did great

Harvey: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT MISS DOMI?!

Domi: 😅 sorry guys, kind of got my feet tangled up there

Harvey: we could’ve went ABOVE the blue cheats before the international break

Harvey: and if Darwin hadn’t missed AGAIN…

Ali: Come on, Harvey, let’s not fight right now

Ali: We have two weeks before our next game, and this is a big win, so let’s celebrate as a team

Jarell: …

Jarell: I don’t think we’ll have much time to celebrate this win

Ali: why?

O’Ryan: two words

Jarell: yep, international break

Ali: 😑

Ali: you mean i have to endure those idiots in the Brazil fanbase AGAIN?!

Trentski: I have to be CONSTANTLY BENCHED AGAIN?!

Robbo: I have to lose embarrassingly again?!

Virgil: come on, Robbo, it wasn’t that bad

Robbo: YES IT WAS

Robbo: we couldn’t beat HUNGARY

Domi: Éljen a pálinka, fork you

Robbo: I don’t even know what that means, so I have all right to continue roasting your country

Virgil: Chill out you two

Virgil: look, I know that our national teams don’t always appreciate us, but that doesn’t mean that we need to fear the call-ups

Virgil: think about the friends we’ll see for the first time in forever!

Ali: There are only two people I’m waiting to see for the first time in forever, and neither have been called up for almost two years

Robbo: 🤩 I HAVE AN IDEA

Robbo: the scottish lads and i should do a KILT PHOTOSHOOT TOGETHER!!!

Trentski: It is moments like these that I express my everlasting gratefulness towards not being Scottish

Ibou: same Trent

Robbo: OI

Ibou: it’ll be fun seeing Willo and Randal again though

Ali: Robbo, when you get to Glasgow, do you mind checking on Marcinho for me?

Robbo: No problem, but I thought you’d texted him before

Ali: yeah, but Celo said that he’s on a vacation to Scotland to sightsee, and that he’d already told everybody else about it

Ali: I asked him to consider waiting until after the international break to travel so that he doesn’t need to use up all his paid leave, but Marcinho said it’s fine

Virgil: 😬

Kweev: wait, he didn’t tell you?!

Ali: tell me what?

Virgil: Marcelo went to Livingston F.C. on loan for the rest of the season

(ALI has left the chat.)

(SLOTMACHINE, RUBENSANDWICH, SEPP, & TAFFA01 have joined the chat.)

Ibou: Well, that could’ve gone better 😬

Diogoal: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Of COURSE it could’ve gone better

GreekScouser: should we discuss wedding plans?

Ibou: I AM TRAVELLING TO YOUR ROOM TO SLAP YOU

Fede ☀️: ouch, I don’t even know who the hell Marcinho, Celo or Marcelo are and this already sounds painful

Mama: they’re the same person you IDIOT

Fede ☀️: 🥺

SlotMachine: can somebody please explain who did this.

RubenSandwich: I decided we all need COOL CHAT NAMES

SlotMachine: how come SIPKE didn’t need his changed?

RubenSandwich: because I like Sepp better than you

SlotMachine: PETTY LITTLE F-

Taffa01: where’s Ali?

Fede ☀: translation: “where’s my work-kid that depends on me to stay mentally sane”

EgyptianKing: FEDERICO, that’s not a funny joke

Trentski: idk, but 88% chance that he’s in the broom closet

Virgil: I thought Marcinho had told him the truth 🙂‍↔️

Taffa01: I’ll go find him

(TAFFA01 has left the chat.)

Fede ☀️: why isn’t that joke funny anymore?

Mama: yeah, good question

Trentski: I think Ali would say to keep it private, but it’s important you know since you’re going to live with us

Robbo: I’ll help tell the story

(TRENTSKI & ROBBO have pulled MAMA & FEDE ☀️ into a separate chatroom.)

Trentski: okay

Robbo: so, it started in 2023

Robbo: for the past five years before then, there were three Brazilians in the first team

Robbo: Ali, Bobby, and Flaco

Trentski: But then in March of that year, Bobby announced that, after eight years in the club, he was leaving

Trentski: now, everybody here loves Bobby, he’s a big smiley sunshine that just makes you feel good

Robbo: AND the worst part? Ali and Bobby are so close, that they’re like twins

Fede ☀️: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Mama: are you okay fede?!

Fede ☀️: NO 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 THIS IS TOO SAD ALREADY

Robbo: but we’re not even at the saddest part yet?

Fede ☀️: WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT 🤌

Trentski: what i mean is get out the Kleenex

Trentski: ANYWAYS, so Bobby left in May, leaving Flaco and Ali by themselves

Trentski: Now, this was still sad, but thankfully Flaco and Ali are great friends as well

Fede ☀️: 😀 YAAAAAYYYYYYY THERE’S HOPE FOR THE WORLD

Mama: But Flaco—

Robbo: SPOILERS, GIORGI!

Robbo: But then Flaco missed Bobby too much, and left for Saudi in July of that same year

Mama: ouchhhhhh

Fede ☀️: NOOOOOOOOO WHYYYYYYYYYYYY

Trentski: Then Hendo (our captain and my former role model) leaves for Saudi, making Virgil captain

Trentski: Virgil’s so busy with his new captain duties, he barely has time to spend with the rest of us

Trentski: and for context, Virgil’s best friends on the team back then were Joel and Ali

Fede ☀️: MAMMA MIA, CAN THIS GET ANY WORSE?!

Robbo: …so yeah, then another Dutch guy comes, Ryan, and now Virgil has two Dutch buddies to hang out with in his spare time

Fede ☀️: damnnnnn

Fede ☀️: but hey! At least there’s Marcinho, Celo, and Marcelo to keep Ali company

Trentski: 🤦 Marcinho, Celo, and Marcelo are all the same person

Fede ☀️: ohhhh

Robbo: And THEN, January 6th, Celo leaves for Ireland on loan

Mama: okay, now I’m starting to agree with Fede

Robbo: and NOW here comes the VERY VERY VERY WORST part

Trentski: must we talk about it?

Robbo: i’m afraid we must, my fullback friend

Trentski: okay, fine

Trentski: Twenty days later, on January 26th, the boss announces that he’s leaving

Mama: ughhh i remember that day

Mama: the Goalkeepers’ Union erupted in shock that day, we couldn’t believe it

Mama: Ali, Kweev, and the others were heartbroken

Robbo: we were all heartbroken

Robbo and to make matters WORSE, Ali and the gaffa’s bond was so close, it was like Ali was actually his legal kid

Trentski: as it was with most of us, including me

Trentski: and then there's Johnny

Mama: Johnny who?

Robbo: Achteberg, he was one of our goalkeeping coaches

Trentski: All the goalkeepers and goalkeeping coaches are like a mini-family

Trentski: But then most of the staff left along with the boss, including Johnny

Mama: so he's lonely...

Mama: hold up, where’s Fede?

Fede ☀️: I HAD TO GET MORE TISSUES, I WAS CRYING FOR REAL

Fede ☀️: i know i shouldn’t be this emotional over a story

Fede ☀: i know i've only been here for a couple of days, but I like Ali already

Fede ☀: can we go back to see the others?

Trentski: good idea

(TRENTSKI, ROBBO, MAMA, & FEDE ☀️ have rejoined the main chatroom.)

Fede ☀: ALI

Fede ☀: I'M SORRY YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH

Fede ☀️: I'M THE BIGGEST JERK IN HISTORY

Virgil: don't worry, that's Pickford's job

Cody: and Koeman’s job

Ali: it's okay, Fede, you didn't know

Fede ☀️: I know you have every right to hate me now, but...

Fede ☀: possiamo essere amici?

Cody: IS THAT A SPELL OR SOMETHING?!

EgyptianKing: 😑 it's Italian, idiot

Virgil: don't call Cody an idiot, Mo

EgyptianKing: you call Harvey an idiot all the time

Virgil: because it's true

Ali: of course we can, Fede, you're a sunshine ball 🤗

Diogoal: even if your injury record is almost as bad as Thiago

Thiago: 🙄 i'm in this chatroom, you know

Diogoal: oops...

Chapter Text

Ali: well then

Trentski: right lads, WHAT WAS THAT?!

Thiago: don't ask me 😑

GreekScouser: AGAPI MOU 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 I'M SORRY

Cody: oh no...

Thiago: Kosti don't blame yourself dear, you only came in later on, after the goal

O'Ryan: you can blame me

Ibou: no mon frere, I could've stopped the goal

Ibou: and I blocked your angle, Ali

Ali: Don't blame yourself, Ibou, I could've jumped better

Robbo: well, if I hadn't got that stupid yellow earlier I could've tried and fouled the guy before it got out of hand

Darwizzy: perdí la pelota 😞

Diogoal: of course you did

EgyptianKing: should I remind you about the three clear chances you missed?

Lucho: should I remind you about the MILLIONS of passes you missed today?

Kweev: fricking hell

Conor: I didn't win a single duel

Jarell: true

Trentski: alright everybody, STOP!

Trentski: Now, I don't know WHAT THE HELL was going on back there

Trentski: but we win as a team, and we lose as a team

Trentski: So everybody stop blaming each other and THEMSELVES, and start behaving like grown adults who are paid to play football!

Robbo: well said, mate

Robbo: so, who do we tie to the dodgy pole?

Fede ☀: wait WHAT?! Exactly how is that constructive?!

Ibou: plus, we don't have a dodgy pole

Virgil: What do you think I've been building the past few days

Trentski: NO Virgil, we won't be any better than United then

Trentski: and guys, the advantage of this is that it happened early in the season

Trentski: if we stayed in the honeymoon phase for so long and then lost, we'd have felt even more lost because we would've gotten used to the system for so long

Trentski: but now we've received an early wake-up call, and we still have 34 games to try and fix all the problems that came up today, and we can do it as a team 😀!

Ali: you're optimistic about this

Ali: it's extremely worrying

Ali: first of all, we lost

Ali: second of all, we lost to Nottingham Forest

Ali: third, we lost to Nottingham Forest without scoring a goal

Ali: Fourth and worst of all, we lost to Nottingham Forest without scoring a goal AT ANFIELD

Ali: HOW does this have an advantage

Trentski: Think about it as a storm cloud, Ali

Trentski: A storm cloud ruins the picnic, but if you use the water well, the aftermath helps flowers grow, and when flowers grow, the birds, butterflies and bunnies thrive

Ali: y'know what? you're right

Ali: still hurts tho

Mama: THIS SUCKS

Kweev: you know what this means

Ali: ~ MAMA, OOOOHHHH~

Kweev: ~ DIDN'T MEAN TO LOSE TONIGHT~

Ali: ~ WE DIDN'T COME BACK AGAIN THIS TIME, THE SORROW

Kweev: ~CARRY ON, CARRY ON~

Ali: ~AS IF WE WEREN'T LEFT IN TATTERS~

Mama: did you guys plan this or something?

Kweev: we're the Goalkeepers' Union, of fricking course we planned this

O'Ryan: you keepers planned how you were going to be miserable?

Domi: that's goalies for you, they usually tend to be on the pessimistic side

Mama: maybe that's because of all the bull we put up with from our defence

Kweev: AMEN, that me with Ireland every single day

Ali: same with me and Brazil

Ali: ~ Too late, full time has come/ Rips tatters in my pride, self-worth's aching all the time~

Kweev: ~Goodnight, everybody, and on we go/ Gotta leave tonight behind and face the truth~

Virgil: Are you two done singing yet?

Lucho: let them have it, I think it's goalkeeper therapy

Ali: ~ MAMA, OOOOHHHH~

Kweev: (NOTTINGHAM ARE A-HOLES)~

Ali: ~I DON'T WANNA DIE, BUT I SOMETIMES WISH THEY NEVER HAD SCORED AT ALL~

Ali: okay, now we're done

Cody: Now I need the full version of the Goalkeepers!Bohemian Rhapsody

Trentski: now I need to rewind time to before this game and ensure that it never fricking happened 😑

Wataru: I thought you were busy playing Captain Optimistic We-Go-Again

Trentski: I'm trying, okay Wataru?!

Trentski: I'm only human! I'm not even 26 yet and suddenly everybody expects me to know what to do as if I've been doing this for CENTURIES!

Robbo: no, we don't

Robbo: We're all learning how to do some things

Robbo: for example, I've been playing terribly recently

EgyptianKing: even I can't deny that...

Robbo: oh shut it, you bombed all your chances, too

Trentski: Look, the boss always said that arguing like this won't help us, and he's right

Trentski: Let's go back to Kirkby and meet in the living room for ice cream and an honest talk

Trentski: ARRRREEEEE YOU WITH ME?! 🫵

Domi: 🫡 YES SIR

Robbo: 🫡 AYE AYE CAPTAIN

Ali: 🫡 YES SIR

Darwizzy: 🫡 SI SENOR

GreekScouser: do i get a cuddle session with Thiago later?

Thiago: of course carino 😘

Harvey: GET A ROOM

Jarell: yes please 😳

GreekScouser: then 🫡 YES SIR

Virgil: we can work with that

Lucho: 👍

Cody: 👍

Curtis: 👍

Diogoal: 👍

EgyptianKing: 👍

Kweev: 👍

Ibou: 👍

O'Ryan: 👍

Jarell: 👍

Conor: 👍

Wataru: 👍

Trentski: very good

Chapter Text

Harvey: GOOD MORNING BRETHREN  

EgyptianKing: SABAH ALKHAYRI!!!  

Domi: too earlyyyyyyyy 🥱  

Robbo: HIT IT, SON!  

Cody: 🎶 OH WHAT A NIGHT  

Darwizzy: FEBRUARY 2025  

Kweev: BEAT MAN. CITY AND WE FEEL ALIVE  

Ibou: 2 GOALS, CLEAN SHEET, WHAT A GAME  

Domi: that game exhausted me 😅 Ali had to carry me to bed  

O'Ryan: SPEAKING OF WHOM, i'll tell you what I'm jealous of 

O'Ryan: (Ali&Virgbeingawalkingprideflag.jpg)  

Cody: AWWWW 😍  

Fede🌞: cuuuuuuute  

Ibou: i want one of those hugs  

Jarell: Virgil should hug us like that 😒  

Diogoal: try playing well first  

Jarell: i was part of yesterday's clean sheet so shut it  

Diogoal: YOU DID LESS THAN DOMINIK FOR FELGUEIRAS'S SAKE--  

Ibou: I NEED YOUR HELP on my plans for my crush, guys  

Kweev: maybe save it for a sub-chat? i mean, Wataru could come soon  

Domi: yeah, and your date would be ruined  

Ibou: true  

O'Ryan: I say we should talk NOW  

Ibou: no, Kweev's right, it's better to wait  

O'Ryan: why you gotta be so rude 😒  

Conor: DON'T YOU KNOW I'M HUMAN TOO  

Cody: it's because you have the charm of a cantaloupe  

Cody: meanwhile domi is gorgeous and smooth and everybody wants him  

O'Ryan: speaking OF, I'm still free if you want me, Domi  

Trent: right in front of me 🙄 bro has got no shame  

Robbo: that's what I said when you posted honeymoon-style pictures of you and Jude all over Insta  

Domi: no thank you, i'm a committed man  

Jarell: 🙄 you'd flirt with a Maltesers wrapper if it spoke  

Domi: i have standards, and that's why i'm saying no to Ryan  

Jarell: 🤣🤣 it's bad when even Domi doesn't want you, @O'Ryan  

O'Ryan: flip you @Jarell  

O'Ryan: and that's okay, Domi! Maybe you'll change your mind 😃  

O'Ryan: aaaaaaand  

O'Ryan: IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND, I'M THE FIRST IN LINE  

O'Ryan: DOMI, I'M STILL FREE, TAKE A CHANCE ON ME  

Trent: NO  

Domi: it's a no from me  

O'Ryan: dammit 😫  

CuJo: don't worry, Ryan! i'm still free if you want me  

O'Ryan: awww, thanks CJ!  

O'Ryan: WAIT A MINUTE  

CuJo: 🤣🤣🤣🤣 GOT YOU BRO  

Lucho: 🤣🤣🤣  

Harvey: CERTIFIED BANGER  

JoeyG: SHAZAM  

Kweev: slayed like a champ  

Cody: 🤣🤣🤣  

Diogoal: HE DID NOT  

Kweev: BROOOOO  

Trent: now can we get back to the subject of THAT HUG?!  

Domi: omgggggg I want one  

GreekScouser: rumour has it that a hug with that much love can cure all pain and suffering  

Darwizzy: could it cure my shooting problems?  

EgyptianKing: afraid not  

Darwizzy: ugh today sucks  

Darwizzy: not only did I finish bottom of the table at pool, but I can't even rant to Ali about it because he's in his room😫  

GreekScouser: I hate whenever this sort of thing happens, bro ☹  

GreekScouser: like, it's the ONE TIME of year that somebody's going to be sad and there's nothing I can do about it  

GreekScouser: it happened with Ali, with Flaco, with Conor, and with the boss  

Ibou: as somebody who considers it his responsibility to cheer others up, I feel you man  

Fede🌞: same honestly 😕  

GreekScouser: separate chat?  

Robbo: 👍👍 let's go  

Robbo: take care of Harv for a little, mo?  

EgyptianKing: of course 💖  

Kweev: relationship goalsssssssss  

(ROBBO has created a chatroom.)  

(Name of chatroom: "The Cheerleaders")  

Ibou: you couldn't come up with a better name?  

Fede🌞: shush  

Fede🌞: we need Robbo's advice  

Ibou: uhhhhh WHY?!  

Fede🌞: because I'm new here and I don't know what to do  

Fede🌞: everybody seems so much closer over here and i feel like I need to do SOMETHING  

Robbo: well, you're great at cheering people up, Fede 👍 I saw you with Joey G in the cup  

Fede🌞 : yeah, but joey's injury was something that can be fixed  

Fede🌞: i can't fix this  

GreekScouser: well, from what I've seen, everybody's different  

Robbo: yeah, facts  

Robbo: I remember with Flaco, he hung around the other Brazilians all the time because he didn't want to be alone  

Fede🌞: wait, Flaco as in Ali's best friend?  

Ibou: yeah, it was shortly after I came in 2021 🙁  

GreekScouser: and, on Robbo's point, with the boss he locked himself in his office and barely talked to anybody for days  

Robbo: I think the only one the gaffa talked to back then was Lijnders  

GreekScouser: we didn't even know until ten days later  

Fede🌞: WAIT WAIT  

Fede🌞: Klossner too?!  

GreekScouser: uh-huh 😔 back in 2021, a few months after I joined  

Fede🌞 : WHAT IS IT WITH 2021?!  

Ibou: I guess what we're trying to say is that everybody's different  

Fede🌞: true  

Fede🌞: Conor stuck with Jarell the whole day on February 3rd, and he kept on talking about old memories  

GreekScouser: yeah, and we all listened  

Fede🌞: don't tell anybody I told you this  

Fede🌞: but the night before the game, I found Ali in the cafeteria  

Robbo: getting a midnight snack?  

Fede🌞: no, he was upset  

Ibou: which should be illegal, but yeah, i'm following  

Fede🌞: part of why he came with us to play anyway is because he didn't want to be alone  

Robbo: ughhhhh i know the feeling  

Robbo: the being alone when you don't want to be, that is  

Robbo: it hurts  

Ibou: but Ali's barely talked with any of us since we got back from Manchester yesterday  

Ibou: and we've not seen him all morning, and breakfast already finished  

GreekScouser: he'll probably show up for the tactics meeting after lunch  

Ibou: yeah, and then what? he'll go back to his room? i thought he didn't want to be alone  

Fede🌞: i do remember him telling Virgil that he wanted a distraction  

Robbo: if Ali wanted a distraction, he wouldn't be in his room  

Robbo: i know that much  

Fede🌞: you know what, guys? Maybe we don't need to overthink this  

Fede🌞: maybe, in this case, helping is just being a good friend  

Fede🌞: maybe it's existing and being there whenever you're needed  

Robbo: well, we're good at that 😃 i'm everywhere!  

Ibou: we know that 🙄🤣  

GreekScouser: DEFINITELY how the heck did you get in my laundry the other day?!?!?!  

Ibou: seriously, Fede, I'm with you, bro 👍 sometimes friendship is holding an umbrella while it rains  

GreekScouser: 😭😭😭 that's beautiful  

Robbo: with those poetry skills, you're sure to get Wataru 😏😜  

Ibou: SHUT UP  

( ROBIN, FEDE🌞, IBOU, and GREEKSCOUSER have rejoined the main chat.)  

EgyptianKing: ANDY YOU'RE BACK 🙏  

EgyptianKing: Harvey's being a menace  

Harvey: DILL A TU CUPPA A SANGRIA, MACARENA  

Harvey: QUE TU CUPPA ARMADILLO A SANGRIA Y CUPPA BUENA  

Harvey: DILL A TU CUPPA A SANGRIA, MACARENA, EHHHHHHHHHHH MACARENA  

Darwizzy: he butchered "Macarena" worse than I butchered pool 😑 

Harvey: did you really expect to win at pool, Wino?!  

Darwizzy: rude  

JoeyG: with all love, Darwin, the game of pool's all about shooting accurately  

Darwizzy: it figures 😒  

JoeyG: 😂😂  

Darwizzy: that's why you didn't win it  

Kweev: OOOOOHHHH  

Cody: you know it's bad when even Darwin scores more than you  

Lucho: easy on him, Cods, he needs a break  

O'Ryan: 🎶 CODY GAKPO, YOUR BOYFRIEND'S HERE  

Cody: i thought we were in this together, Lucho  

Lucho: we are  

Lucho: for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, to love and to cherish, until the transfer window do us part  

GreekScouser: i know that feeling #imissmynovio  

Kweev: you'll see Thiago when you two get married in June  

GreekScouser: YAYYYYYYYY 😍🤩  

Lucho: that will be a blast  

Cody: oh DEFINITELY  

Wataru: who do you think's going to catch the bouquet?  

Virgil: probably Curtis, because life loves to flip around with us  

Cody: FINALLY you show your bicycle elm to the chat  

Virgil: I was busy  

Virgil: HOLD UP  

Virgil: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY  

CuJo: 🤣🤣🤣🤣 nahhhhhh 'cause that's so true  

Harvey: I say Trent will catch it and he'll finally have to pick and choose between Domi and Jude  

Trent: for the last time JUDE AND I ARE NOT LIKE THAT!  

Trent: we're just good friends  

Jarell: isn't that what you were saying about Domi when he just came?  

Trent: yeah, and?  

EgyptianKing: so glad our relationship is drama-free, Drew  

Robbo: for sure 😌  

Trent: et tu, Brute?  

Robbo: watch it, judging by how long this contract saga is dragging out I might say that to you  

O'Ryan: well, I think Virgil and Ali should catch the bouquet  

Cody: it's the only way to finally get them together  

Virgil: shut it before I put you two into a stroopwafel  

Jarell: what if I caught the bouquet?  

Conor: then you'll be mine and I'll be yours 🤵🤵  

Lucho: ALL I KNOW SINCE YESTERDAY  

Diogoal: nerd  

Diogoal: i'll bet you don't even know your own fifa stats  

Domi: that is the nerdiest thing that ever nerded  

Diogoal: oh, go find your namorado  

O'Ryan: IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND, I'M THE FIRST IN LINE  

O'Ryan: DOMI, I'M STILL FREE, TAKE A CHANCE ON ME 😉😜  

Domi: NAH TO THE AH TO THE NO NO NO  

Cody: YOU NEED TO LET IT GO  

Darwizzy: YOU NEED TO LET IT GO  

Darwizzy: (because if Trent doesn't want him, I'M NEXT)  

Trent: NAH TO THE AH TO THE NO NO NO!  

Trent: we're a COMMITTED COUPLE FFS  

Robbo: 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣  

Chapter Text

SmallScot: MATESSSSSS  

SmallScot: (baldieonvacay.png)  

SmallScot: i found these on the internet  

Cody: i have a bad feeling about this...  

CaptainVirgil: it can't be that bad! This is our manager!  

Pint-SizedSamurai: for once, Virgil's right  

Pint-SizedSamurai: it's not like Slot is the kind to dance like a drunk spider monkey during title celebrations  

Pint-SizedSamurai: in other news, i can't believe I let James put this as my chatname for a week  

James: in all fairness, you accepted it as a dare and failed the challenge  

Pint-SizedSamurai: youth these days are a holy terror  

Pint-SizedSamurai: take Robbo for example  

SmallScot: i would argue, but I'm too scarred from those photos  

Domi: ...  

Domi: WHAT IN THE NAME OF PALINKA?!  

O'Ryan: what is it, Prince Charming?  

Cody: that wasn't even smooth, man  

Domi: what is he doing 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣  

CJ: holy shining disco balls...  

Darwizzy: LOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLL 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣  

EgyptianKing: that's it, I'm going to Ibiza to throw a bowl of koshari at him  

Darwizzy: I'LL BRING THE CHAIRS 😃  

Diegoal: i don't think Mo wanted to join Slot, Darwin  

Darwizzy: no, I'm going to throw them!  

EgyptianKing: ALI COME DEAL WITH YOUR WORK-BROTHER  

Lucho: hey, at least he's just singing Queen songs!  

Lucho: it can't get any worse!  

SmallScot: (baldieonvacay2.png)  

SmallScot: i regret to inform you that it can  

Pint-SizedSamurai: what.  

James: the.  

Diegoal: ACTUAL-  

Ibou: BONJOUR MES FRERES!  

Diegoal: moment? ruined.  

Darwizzy: hotel? Trivago 😃  

Ibou: et mon cheri 🥰  

Ibou: oooh cool! Photos!  

Ibou: lemme see  

Ibou: ...  

Ibou: WHAT HAVE I JUST SEEN?!  

Fede☀️: gentlemen of the chat  

EgyptianKing: Darwin literally just threatened to throw chairs in a Spanish vacation resort  

Fede☀️: i don't think Lord Baldie is as straight as we think  

GoalkeepingIrishLad: you thought he was STRAIGHT?! 😂😂😂😂😂😂  

CJ: Fede, the last straight person on this team was Adrian, and he left us last year  

CJ: as of now, everybody on this team is either LGBTQ+ or not decided yet  

Fede☀️: I thought my Italy teammates were joking when they told me this team is Gay FC...  

CaptainVirgil: I can confirm that they are not joking 😎  

Cody: 😳 i did not expect this to be Lord Baldie's coming-out announcement 😳  

O'Ryan: i just spat out my orange juice  

Cody: I know, I'm right next to you  

GoalkeepingIrishLad: is it just me, or are there some people missing?  

SmallScot : i'm here 😃!  

Pint-SizedSamurai: we all know that 😒  

EgyptianKing: wait  

EgyptianKing: WHERE'S HARVEY?!  

SmallScot: oh no...  

SmallScot: has anybody seen Harvey?  

Virgil: come to think of it, I haven't seen Jarell either  

Trentski: or Conor  

Trentski: and WHAT ARE THOSE PICTURES?!  

SmallScot: a preview of what you'll be doing with Jude, probably 🙄  

CJ: Jude and Judas, what a perfect pair!  

Trentski: for the last time we're not like that  

Ibou: never mind that  

Ibou: where's Jarell? and Trey, on that note?  

Darwizzy: and on a BIG NOTE, where's Ali?  

EgyptianKing: probably trying to find Bobby  

EgyptianKing: he looked so disappointed when I told him Dubai's in the United Arab Emirates and not in Saudi Arabia  

SmallScot: he thought WHAT 🤣🤣🤣🤣  

CJ: in all fairness, he wasn't here when we vacationed in Dubai back in 2022  

GoalkeepingIrishLad: cuz he was in the World Cup and you weren't 😌  

CJ: oh go get a tan, Ireland weren't even in the last World Cup  

GoalkeepingIrishLad: and I plan to change that this year  

GoalkeepingIrishLad: England might not even qualify  

Pint-SizedSamurai: so glad we already qualified  

(ALI has joined the chat.)  

Ali: i swear I'm going to spend the rest of this break in Brazil  

EgyptianKing: WHERE'S HARVEY?!  

Virgil: and jarell?  

Trentski: and Conor?  

Ali: they're riding wild camels that they got from somewhere  

SmallScot: ...  

SmallScot: please tell me this is a joke  

Ali: i'm afraid not  

Ali: I'm texting you all while running after them  

SmallScot: well just my luck  

SmallScot: my bestie is leaving  

SmallScot : my man's pool photos just went more viral than the latest TikTok trend  

SmallScot: and my work-kid is off riding CAMELS in the middle of the city  

Ali: actually...  

Ali: we're sort of in the desert  

EgyptianKing: HOW did you manage to get there?!  

Ali: they persuaded me to chaperone them so they could look for baby camels, and now they're riding them  

Ibou: BROOOOOOO they got you so bad 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣  

Harvey: heyoooooo bruv :D  

EgyptianKing: Harvey Daniel James Elliott, get yourself and your friends OFF that camel before I cut off your hair and sacrifice it to the Japanese ramen gods  

Harvey: those don't even exist 😤 you can't tell me what to do  

EgyptianKing: they do when your work father is mad at you.  

EgyptianKing: now GET. OFF.  

Harvey: not doing it  

Harvey: i'm not listening to anyone who left it ambiguous if he would leave or not for nine months  

EgyptianKing: I SIGNED, HARVEY!  

Lucho: Father and son arguing over text, but the father's pacing by the hotel pool and the son is riding on a camel 🤣🤣🤣  

Cody: 🤣🤣🤣  

Domi: WHAT  

Domi: i fell asleep for five minutes  

Domi: and now three academy boys are on ONE camel, Mo's fighting Harvey, and Ali's going back to Brazil?!  

Trentski: 😑 you got that so wrong  

Harvey: I don't care if you signed, you still left me and Robbo wondering for months and I'm mad at you for it  

Harvey: if you really cared, you would've told Robbo and me in advance before you even signed anything  

EgyptianKing: for the LAST TIME, FSG are a group of pricks! you can't guarantee anything with them!  

EgyptianKing: i always wanted to stay and wanted to tell you, but it would've hurt more if I'd promised you I'd stay and then got kicked out  

Harvey: and imagine if we were left wondering all this time and THEN you left!  

Conor: okay, like, SHUT UP  

Conor: we're supposed to be here on vacation  

Ali: that's what they told me, but now I'm running a marathon through SAND while babysitting you three  

GoalkeepingIrishLad: #tired?  

Ali: huh?  

GoalkeepingIrishLad: are. you. TIRED BOOMER  

Ali: oh, i WONDER  

Pint-SizedSamurai: didn't know you had spite in you  

Ali: I don't have spite, I'm just tired of chasing my younger coworkers around a desert reserve  

Jarell: the camel stopped  

SmallScot: a sign from the universe to GET BACK TO THE HOTEL.  

SmallScot: we came here for Trent's farewell trip, not to get stranded in the desert!  

Conor: fine  

Jarell: chill, let's go  

Harvey: no fair I'M STAYING  

Ali: no, you aren't  

Ali: You're all coming home because we're worried about you being in the desert  

Ali: you have a right to be mad with Mo, because it took so long and you were worried someone you love would go away  

Harvey: SEE?! he gets it!  

Ali: but Mo was caught between a rock and a hard plac e  

Ali: as much as we didn't like the uncertainty, Mo couldn't say yes or no until he knew for sure  

Ali: and didn't he tell you immediately after he knew?  

Harvey: well yeah  

Harvey: but I still wonder if something would happen for him to leave  

EgyptianKing: Maekaruna, I'm so sorry about all that happened  

EgyptianKing: not about how long the contract negotiations took, because that wasn't my fault, but about you being so worried  

EgyptianKing: how do I make it up to you? anything you want  

SmallScot: oi you never offered to make it up to me--  

Harvey: 🤔 huh...  

Harvey: can we watch Dragon Ball together tonight?  

EgyptianKing: you mean the anime you got your celebration from?  

Harvey: yeah, with Popcorn!  

Harvey: please 🥺  

EgyptianKing: I think that's a fair trade 👍  

Harvey: YAAAAAAAAY  

Ali: Crisis averted 😌 now can I relax for a few minutes without something chaotic happening????  

Lucho: you'd better 😄 Taffa just told me to threaten you to come and relax before he drags you out of the desert himself  

Harvey: btw mo, what did you call me earlier?  

EgyptianKing: oh, maekaruna  

EgyptianKing: it means noodle  

Harvey: YO WHAT--