Archive of Our Own ^beta

This isn’t what you’re like. You’re not noble, you’re not brave, you’re definitely not a hero - when you chose your name, you didn’t go for Paladin for a reason. You chose Rogue - rakish but sneaky, quick-witted yet slippery, destined for a life of in the shadows, sprinkled with the occasional one-liner and drunken brawl. You’ve been at this for as long as you can remember: you were a child reared on Old Earth fantasy, and many, many pirate-themed D&D campaigns, and bounty hunting came as close to swashbuckling as you could get in the 25th century. There’s the time travelling aspect too - the new boss, whoever they are, certainly expanded your agency’s wheelhouse.

It’s taken some getting used to - as has the loneliness. You never wanted to travel alone, and yet, here you are - the memories of him still hurt far, far too much to contemplate.
Your ship, your home, used to feel so warm, and welcoming - every inch was filled with life and laughter. Now it’s empty, and sometimes, feels like the coldest place in the universe - you have nothing left but echoes of the life you used to lead. It’s almost stereotypical - a dark, mysterious brooding rogue with a tragic backstory, one too bleak to talk about. And you have to admit, you leaned into it. It helped deal with the emptiness, and stop anyone from getting too close - you didn’t want to lose anyone else, and the easiest way to avoid that was to never find anyone in the first place. A seemingly invincible shield you could put up to keep people away, and it always, always worked. Until tonight.

Now you’ve met them, and, despite yourself, you never want to let them go. They’re the most incredible person you’ve ever met - from that moment they found you on the balcony, they had you. At first, you were worried they were too perfect - someone this brilliant and otherworldly surely wouldn’t be speaking to you if they weren’t a target who’d gained wind of your presence. But once you established they weren’t trying to kill you, you found yourself falling, and things started to feel right for the first time since him. They’re witty, engaging, clever - incredibly romantic, even when roleplaying. They’re the most exciting thing to ever happen to you, with a killer music taste to boot. They’re even an incredible dancer! It’s like they’re the sun, and you’re a planet pulled into orbit - you want to be near them, just to bask in their warm, wonderful glow.

They’ve lost people, too - you can tell. You spoke briefly on their ship - you saw it in their face when you panic-proposed (another thing you thought you’d never do, but, hey, tonight has been full of surprises). You and they understand each-other so perfectly - you could bicker and quip endlessly, sure, but beneath it all, there’s true connection. They’ve suffered, are suffering still. You’ve lost so much, and yet, you can tell, they’ve lost more - a home, a family, countless friends and lovers. And, unlike you, who pushed away the universe and collapsed into yourself, they’re still reaching out, still moving on, still finding wonder in the stars and drawing new people into their orbit. It’s been mere hours, and yet, already, it’s hard to imagine a life without them, and their light, in it.

You knew it couldn’t last - you let yourself hope, let yourself gaze into their eyes and dream of travelling the stars with them. But if there’s one thing you know about loss, it’s that everyone has a tipping point - the Doctor is so strong, so true, and yet you’ve already seen the cracks form. When they thought their friend was dead, you saw the cracks begin to form, and the darkness begin to seep in - now there’s a chance to get her back, but at a terrible cost. They can’t pull the trigger - they can’t be the one to doom Ruby, to betray countless promises and everything they stand for. It’s not a choice anyone should be forced to make - the universe or the people you care about. And it’s certainly not one you can ever, ever come back from the same - you made it once, and it cost you everything. You won’t let that happen to them - they deserve so much better. And Ruby, too - you wish you could have known the person who makes your person so happy a bit better.

Heroism is a strange thing - it’s not something that fits you. You’re not brave, you’re not noble - but you will protect the person you’ve fallen in madly, deeply, truly in love with from any more harm. Now, breaking away from the Doctor and staring into their eyes, you find resolve you’ve never had before. You have the trigger, and you have the strength you need. You’ll save Ruby, save the world from the Chuldur, and, most important of all, you’ll save the Doctor.

You’ll be fine - you know you will, you’ve outrun the Chuldur already tonight, and you have them. You’re certain - you’ll tell them to find you, and they will. One day, you and they will travel the stars together - you won't be lonely much longer.