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"It's not fucking fair." Throwing himself down on Nicky's bed, Joe stared at the ceiling. "My younger sister transformed this morning. Do you want to know how I know?"
Nicky made a curious sound from where he was staring at his computer monitor, trying to figure out where the error was for his computer program. It was here, somewhere, lurking. He knew it was there, and if he didn't find it before he turned it into Mr. Copley, he was going to blow his perfect average in Copley's class.
Joe knew all of this because he actually listened when Nicky had been ranting at him about it on the way back to the dorm. Then he'd gotten the phone call from his mother and now his day was shot.
"Aliyah can turn into the 'sweetest little parakeet', according to my mother." God help him, he even made the air quotes when he said it. If his spirit didn't settle down and pick a goddamn animal form, it was going to take more than god to help him, actually.
He might actually run mad through the corridors of the student center.
Nicky said, "A ha!" from the desk, and then there was the sound of rapid typing. Finally he actually turned to face Joe. "You know that there are people that never settle on an animal form. Both your religion and mine venerate those people. Catholics even think they're saints." He snickered. "Maybe you just don't have an animal nature that needs to be reflected." Of course Nicky would say that. He'd known his animal spirit since he'd turned into a Cane Corso at sixteen, protecting his younger brother from a bully.
"Oh, ha ha ha," Joe said flatly. "You are so funny. Do you know anyone, personally, who was older when their spirit form showed itself? Do you?"
There was the sound of a sigh, and then Nicky got up and came over to sit down next to Joe on the bed. "Joe, there is nothing wrong with you, my friend. So you're a little older than average, so what? It's just that, an average. It happens. And you remember what Andy found when she snuck into the reserved books."
"I know, stressing about it makes it worse. But what if it's some sort of hideous beast, worthy only of being driven away from civilized people?" Joe asked plaintively.
Nicky's eyes were wide. "You don't mean that," he said. "You don't."
"I might," Joe said, but when Nicky continued to stare at him, he shook his head. "No, I don't. I just - the first thing out of Umi's mouth was the news about Aliyah. She didn't even ask me how I'm doing or anything, because I'm the family disappointment, even though I'm a straight-A student."
"Oh, Joe," Nicky said. His fingers were soft in Joe's hair, and Joe sighed, butting his head up against Nicky's fingers. He often thought that it was so unfair that Nicky seemed to only see him as a friend. A close friend, but still, just a friend.
Of course, who in their right mind would date someone when they couldn't see their animal nature? Joe knew that even if Nicky was interested, they wouldn't be going out.
Which brought him right back to the same problem, of not being mature or settled enough or what-the-fuck-ever he needed to be to finally find his animal self.
As if he could hear the turmoil in Joe's brain, Nicky continued to stroke over Joe's hair, humming atonally under his breath. It was doing more to relax Joe than any deep breathing exercises or workouts that he'd tried.
"Do you mind if I take a nap before we go out?" Joe asked, his eyes already starting to fall shut. "I know I said we'd get beers, and we will, but it's the first time in days that I'm actually feeling really sleepy."
"Then you should definitely sleep," Nicky said, and he pulled his hand away.
"No!" Joe exclaimed, startling Nicky. "No, don't stop. It feels so good."
"If you're sure," Nicky said, and then under his gentle touch, Joe drifted off to sleep.
His dreams were a kaleidoscope of confusing smells and images and scents, none of them making sense. Nicky featured predominantly in his dream. but Joe couldn't understand him. It was almost like instead of speaking, he was using the same growling barks he used when he was in his animal form.
Joe was vaguely aware that there were other people around, but dream-Joe didn't even think it was worth noting if they were making any sounds, much less what they were. Confused, he tried to get closer to dream-Nicky, tried to rub his face up against Nicky's hand to encourage him to continue to pet his hair.
"Joe..." That was Nicky's voice, but dream-Nicky's mouth wasn't moving. He was giving dream-Joe plenty of scratches and cuddles, so Joe was reluctant to leave him behind, but a gentle tug to his hair urged him towards the waking world.
"Joe..." Nicky said again.
Annoyed - couldn't Nicky tell he was sleeping, he twitched his ears, trying to show just how displeased he was by the whole thing...
Wait.
He did what?
His eyes flew open, only to realize that either Nicky had grown awfully tall since Joe had closed his eyes, or he was now very, very small. "Nicky?" he said.
He tried to say.
It came out as a small squeak instead of any sort of word. Joe could hear the way that Nicky chuckled at the sound, but he didn't get offended. He had finally changed! He just had no idea what he was.
Squeaking again, he tried to get across his confusion. He couldn't be sure that Nicky was understanding anything, because everything he could see - including Nicky's face - was flat and gray in tone, even the bright blue blanket he had on his bed. He could just make out the red stripes in Nicky's shirt, but even those were weirdly muted.
But he could smell everything. He was even pretty sure that Nicky was very pleased, and the only way he could know that was the way he smelled.
Joe wanted desperately to know what kind of animal he was, but he didn't want to change back just yet to ask. Instead, he squeaked one more time, trying to carry with the sound all of his confusion and excitement.
"Are you trying to ask what kind of animal you are?" Nicky asked. How had Joe never noticed the subharmonics in Nicky's voice before? It didn't matter. He just nodded, trying to look hopeful.
"You're a cat, but I don't think you're a housecat. Here, can I pick you up?"
Joe had to try hard to contain his excitement. A cat but not a housecat - what kind of cat could he be? Most people turned into social animals, but Joe thought most wildcats were solitary animals. Oh, Nicky had asked him a question. Carefully, trying to be clear, he nodded.
The bed swayed under him as Nicky stood up, and then he was rising up, a firm hand around his ribs, another under his hind feet, as Nicky carried him over to the mirror on the back of the door. Once they were there, Joe peered closely, trying to see as much as he could, only to deflate a little when he saw the tiny cat positively dwarfed by Nicky's hands.
He mrrped at him, squirming to get down. He was going to hide under Nicky's bed and never come out again. Finally got an animal spirit and it sucked. Figured.
Nicky set him down, but before he could run away, he gave a whole body shake and then he was back to human-Joe, sitting on Nicky's floor. "Well - " he said, rubbing the back of his neck in embarrassment. "I guess it could be worse. I could have ended up something like a mouse I guess. Instead I'm something that eats mice."
Cocking his head, Nicky said, "You're unhappy with your form?" There wasn't any particular judgment in his question, which was one the things that Joe lo-liked most about him. He had always made it clear that he accepted Joe, no questions asked. It was why Joe had come out to him before anyone else.
If he couldn't tell Nicky the truth, there wasn't anyone in the world that he could tell. "Well, it's not very impressive, is it?" he asked. "What man wants to be a tiny little kitty cat?"
"Joe - " Nicky started and then he paused. He was taking a moment to think through his words, and Joe knew to let him, that trying to rush him would just lead to Nicky clamming up. And he always wanted to hear whatever it was that Nicky had to say.
"Joe, you do realize what kind of cat you are, right?" Nicky asked.
He shrugged. "I just saw a small cat in the mirror. Nothing very special."
"Nothing very - " Nicky made a frustrated noise. "Give me a second. Get up off the floor." Turning to his laptop, he typed rapidly, hitting the keys so hard that Joe actually worried for the integrity of his keyboard while he got settled back on the bed. Finally, Nicky picked the laptop up and thrust it at Nicky, screen first. "This is what you turned into. We saw one at the zoo over the summer, remember?"
On the screen was a tan cat with black striping, and as far as Joe remembered, that was what he'd looked like. Taking the computer, he scrolled up, looking for what kind of breed it was.
But it wasn't a breed. It was an entire species. "A black-footed cat..." he read. As he scanned through the article until his eye caught on something. "Deadliest in the feline family? Really?"
"Sixty percent success rate," Nicky said. "As an animal, you might be small but you are fucking deadly. I think that it suits you perfectly."
"I'm not that dangerous," Joe scoffed. He wasn't. He didn't think he was. Just because he was on the fencing team and the wrestling team -
"Who is it that all the girls ask to walk them home at night?" Nicky said. Before Joe could point out it was just because he was gay and so they felt safe, he continued. "In case you haven't noticed, just having you at a party keeps the hotheads from starting shit and the idiots from harassing the girls. You don't get mad often, but when you do, you go for the kill, at least with your words."
Joe had never really thought about it. He remembered a few times their freshman year where people had started shit at the parties he'd gone to. He'd definitely helped to stop it, but it hadn't been just him. He'd been side by side with Nicky.
For that matter, he was always side by side with Nicky, at parties or not. It was almost his favorite place to be.
(If he wanted to try being under Nicky, he wasn't going to mention it.)
(Nicky was straight.)
(At least he was pretty sure that Nicky was straight. He'd never asked, but when he'd told Nicky he was gay as a senior in high school, Nicky had just hugged him and said that he loved him. Not exactly the jumping to agree that Joe might have hoped for.)
(Not that he was ever going to tell Nicky that.)
Before he could say anything that he was thinking, Nicky grinned at him. "Still feel like that 'tiny kitty' is too small for you?"
"I guess not," Joe said. "But you know that I don't map perfectly to this cat - I'm hardly a loner."
"And I don't herd animals or hunt wolves," Nicky said earnestly. "You know and I know that no one maps one to one to their animal self. It's just their strongest characteristic."
Joe thought about that for a minute. "I think I can live with that," he decided after a moment. "So, you think we should celebrate me not being a saint?" Nicky grinned, but it looked a little uncertain, a look that Joe saw far too often in Nicky's face. "What is it?"
"So I have a question for you now that you finally revealed your animal," Nicky said, but instead of asking it, he fell silent, looking all around the room but not at Joe.
"Okay..." Joe dragged out the word for a second. When Nicky still didn't speak, Joe said, "You know no matter what you asked, you're going to be my best friend, right?"
"But what if I don't want to be?" Nicky asked. but before Joe could fully panic, he said, "Wait, that came out wrong. What if I don't want to just be your friend?"
It was too close to what Joe wanted, and he refused to trust his own interpretation of what he was hearing. "So, what do you want to be instead?" he asked carefully. "Whatever it is, you can have it, you know."
Rather than saying anything, Nicky darted in, giving Joe a kiss on the lips before sitting back, folding his arms across his chest defensively.
Joe brought his fingers up to his lips, touching them reverently. It wasn't the first time that Nicky had kissed him, but they had always been on the cheek, no more than kisses of greeting or parting. But this... Before he could get his hopes up, he needed to know not just guess. "Please, say it outright, whatever it is you're trying to tell me? I don't want to misunderstand you."
"I'm in love with you," Nicky said. "But I'd understand if you don't love me as more than a friend. I don't want to lose you over this. In fact, you can just forget it and we go back to being best friends. Maybe we should go call your family about your animal - "
"Nicky, stop," Joe cut in. "You're babbling. I love you. Of course I love you. I've loved you since before I knew I was gay. But you - you're not gay. You're straight! Or were you just pretending to date Quynh?"
Nicky's head hung low. "Iwastryingtomakeyoujealous," he mumbled.
It took Joe a shamefully long time to parse out his words. "Why in the world would you want to make me jealous? You could have just asked me out," he said.
But Nicky shook his head. "No, I couldn't. You've been stressing out about your animal form for as long as I knew you. And both your mother and mine made me promise not to make it worse by putting... putting pressure on you to make you feel like you needed to 'catch up', so to speak."
At least Nicky had the good grace to look embarrassed. "I'm going to kill my mother," Joe said conversationally. "Not yours, of course. I'll find some other way to get even with her."
"You know they were both looking out for you," NIcky said hurriedly. "Come on, Joe. Don't be mad."
"And you think worrying about if I'm going lose you as a best friend on the day I slip and let my real feelings be known wasn't stressing me out?" Joe asked, but he was leaning in at the same time. Now that he knew his advances would be welcome, he needed to at least get a real kiss, one that Nicky seemed willing to give him. "Come here?" he asked.
Nicky fell into him without hesitation, and within seconds they were kissing. It started soft and gentle, but quickly progressed to hot and heavy. Neither of them took the lead for more than a few seconds at a time, instead easily passing it back and forth.
When he felt like he was going to implode from a lack of oxygen, he pulled back just enough to rest his forehead against NIcky's. "Are we on the same page now?" he begged quietly. He didn't want to go back to worrying about whether he was misunderstanding Nicky or if he should go back to hiding his true feelings.
Nicky's hand came up to scratch behind his ear, and Joe started to melt into it. "We are absolutely on the same page. But your ears have switched back," Nicky said softly. "It's adorable. It also makes me wonder if you should spend some time in your animal form before we take this any further."
Joe couldn't help his frustrated grunt, or the way he shrugged hard. He did make sure not to dislodge Nicky's hand, though. "Do you think I should?" he asked. "Because I want to be with you, and I mean be with you."
"I want that too," Nicky said. "You have haunted my dreams since before I knew what my parts were for. But we both know that after the first time changing you should spend some time settling into your form."
He stared at Joe meaningfully, and Joe huffed out annoyed agreement. It was true - every kid learned that by the time they were in sixth grade. "I am not staying as a cat for twenty-four hours, no matter how vicious," he said. "And I expect you to switch with me and stay by my side,"
"I can absolutely do that," Nicky said with a smile. Before Joe could get himself too worked up about what sort of time they were looking at, Nicky leaned in with another kiss, and then said, "Until sunrise?"
Tomorrow was Saturday. One night spent as his new form seemed reasonable, Joe guessed. But, "Afterwards, I get to sleep in your bed with you." He did his best to sound certain, determined, not wanting to give away that he felt like he was on shifting sands.
"Of course," Nicky said. "Unless we end up at your room, of course, in which case I'll get in your bed."
"So what are we waiting for?" Joe asked.
"Not much," Nicky said, putting his key in his pocket. "Do you remember how to change when you want to?"
"I - " Joe paused. Did he know? Only one way to find out. He closed his eyes and looked inside, looking for that space in his mind and body that didn't quite fit in this shape. When he found it, he focused his energy, and when it felt like the time was right, he opened his eyes.
The first thing he noticed this time was the way that everything in his vision seemed gray and lifeless. He knew, logically, that there were certain colors that cats couldn't see at all, but he'd had no idea that all the others seemed very diluted and washed out.
There was a shift in air currents next to him, and now instead of Nicky, there was a large mastiff, already panting and drooling. When he lowered his head to nudge Joe with his nose, Joe couldn't help but wrinkle his nose at the sensation of getting wet.
Nicky seemed to know it too, if there was any meaning to the doggy grin he was now sporting. When Nicky jumped off the bed, Joe followed him, and out in the hall after Nicky managed to manipulate the door handle to get it open. That made Joe think that they were going to have to call the school to have his own door modified so that his tiny kitty form would be able to open it.
Maneuvering the stairs was a little tricky, but he got the knack of it by the time they were on the first floor, and then out into the rapidly fading sunshine of the quad.
They weren't the only ones indulging their animal sides from the look of it, and no one seemed to give them a second look as they trotted along the path. Well, Joe trotted. For Nicky it was more a leisurely stroll with his longer legs.
Ahead of them, Joe's eyes caught a flash of movement, and he reacted before he could think, fiercely pouncing a leaf and tearing it to shreds. When he finally stopped destroying it, he glanced over at Nicky, who was just gazing at him with such love in his expressive dog eyes that Joe wondered how he could have ever missed it before.
Needing Nicky to know that he felt the same way, he stood in front of his love and mrrped at him until he lowered his head curiously. As soon as it was within reach, Joe rubbed his forehead along Nicky's cheeks, then pulled back. He was a little ashamed at such a stereotypical cat action, but from the look on Nicky's face, that was not where his thoughts were going about it.
Not wanting to get into it when he was limited to a range of unfamiliar actions, he bounded ahead, turning to look back, trying to ask if Nicky was going to keep up.
That's how their evening went, with Joe exploring the abilities of his feline form while Nicky just strolled along, watching patiently, always ready with a quick lick or nuzzle when Joe found himself retreating and looking for reassurance. He'd lost all track of time when his senses caught on something, a scent that he couldn't identify but was completely irresistible.
Falling back on instincts that he hadn't even known he'd had, he slowly followed the scent which only got stronger and more powerful the closer Joe got to the source. Eventually he found it - a small burrow with a chipmunk curled up tight inside, wrapped around her young.
tear rend kill KILL seemed to try to take over his senses, but he managed to rein them in just in time, practically falling in his rush to get away from the harmless rodent that he'd nearly eaten.
Yuck.
Feeling a little sick, he huddled against Nicky's side, taking deep breaths as he tried to control his animal impulses. It turned out that was harder than he ever would have thought or that any of the things that they read as schoolwork portrayed.
Finally, he felt as if he could be trusted once again, and he stood back up, taking a deep breath and letting it out. Between that breath and the next, he drew in everything that made him a cat...
... and let it back out so that he was sitting on the ground next to Nicky, back in human form. He immediately wrapped an arm around Nicky's back, holding tight to his dog form and letting its familiar comfort help him settle back down. As if he knew what Joe needed, Nicky didn't transform right away, instead trying to comfort him as a dog.
Eventually, though, he shifted as well. "Joe?" he asked.
"I nearly killed and ate a chipmunk, Nicky. A chipmunk! So gross!" Joe ranted a bit, but quietly. It was late enough that most people were already sleeping.
Nicky chuckled quietly. "It gets easier to resist such instincts," he said. "Though never what I would call easy. For instance, when I am in my other form, I hate to let any of my friends out of my sight. My canine brain insists that the only time everyone is safe is when I am with them, regardless of how true or false that is."
At some level Joe already knew what Nicky was saying. After he had first found his mastiff, he'd spent months following his siblings around, keeping an eye on them any time they were out of the house. He'd also followed Joe around, but not any of their other fri -
Oh. Oh.
Joe lunged forward to wrap his arms around Nicky's chest. "I love you. You know that, right? That I love you? And not just because you protect all of us, but because you are precious and should be cared for as well."
That got an outright laugh. "I know, my love, I know. But you deserve to be protected and cherished, even if you are a very fierce but tiny cat." He glanced at his watch, then looked up at the sky. "It's still about three hours until dawn. Do you feel like going back to your new form? Or are you tired and want to sleep?"
Joe did his best to give him a flirty look. "I want to go to bed, alright. But not alone, and not to sleep."
"I think - " Nicky hesitated. "Let's go back to my room and we can curl up. If you're still interested in more after a few minutes, I'll see what I can do."
He couldn't help but be a bit suspicious of Nicky's words. "You mean that? You're not just saying that to try and get me to go to sleep?"
"I promise you, we are going to do anything you want in bed, and soon," Nicky said sincerely. "But I think - just for tonight! - that sleep might be better. You don't realize it yet, but you have burned a lot of energy, and that needs to be replenished. You need a snack and you need sleep."
"I'm not eating a chipmunk," Joe circled back around. He might not have been sure of everything, but that was one thing he was absolutely certain about.
"Of course not," Nicky said. "Nor a mouse. I was actually thinking you might want some pizza. I have some leftover in my fridge."
"Mmm, cold pizza. The breakfast of champions." Joe threw his head back and said, "Take me home, milord! I grow weak from hunger."
All that got him was a gentle shove, and then a kiss that made his toes curl.
He could live like this.