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“Titan, what a night!”
“Yeah, I’m exhausted!”
“I’m not tired at all!”
“Amber, you need to calm down.”
Derwin, Amber, Katya, Amber’s girlfriend Andi, and Katya’s boyfriend Steve all laughed as they entered the BATs' apartment. Raine and Eda’s wedding reception had lasted well into the early morning, and the five friends were all feeling somewhat giddy from the combination of excitement and sleep deprivation. The moment they stepped through the door the women kicked off their heels and the men loosened their collars, sighing with relief and contentment.
The BAT trio had lived in this apartment together since before the Day of Unity, though at that point they still called it a hideout. Now that Belos was long gone and the BATs-turned-CATs could do their good work out in the open, it had become much easier to invite friends and partners over to their living space.
Since it was so late, Steve and Andi planned to sleep over tonight—Steve attesting that his younger brother was also sleeping over a friend’s house and didn’t need him at home. How his friends and their partners found it comfortable squeezing two people into their twin sized beds was a mystery to Derwin, but as long as he got to sleep alone he wouldn’t question his friends’ obvious lack of sense.
“It was a really fun party,” Derwin added. “I had a great time.”
Katya and Amber shared a look and snickered.
“Yeah, Derwin, we know you had a great time,” teased Katya.
“What do you mean?” he asked, perplexed.
“Come on, Derwin,” Amber jumped in and waggled her eyebrows. “We all saw you chatting up that green-haired beauty.”
Derwin raised an eyebrow as he tried to recall what his friends were referring to. “Green-haired beauty? You mean Emira?”
“Oooooo Emiraaaaa,” the girls sang.
“It’s not like that,” he rolled his eyes at them. “We were just talking about music we both like.”
“I don’t know dude,” Steve interjected. “From where I was standing it looked like she was pretty into you.”
“Did you get her penstagram?” asked Katya.
“Uh yeah,” Derwin shrugged. “She asked to follow me. She’s pretty cool, I wouldn’t mind being friends with her.”
“You should ask her out!” exclaimed Amber.
“Oo and you should make her a bracelet and give it to her,” suggested Andi. “That’s how I asked out Amber.”
“I will not be doing that,” said Derwin. Most of the time he and Andi got along, the two of them sharing a penchant for arts and witchcrafts, but this was one suggestion of hers he had no interest in taking.
“Come on Derwin, we just wanna help,” pleaded Katya.
“You guys are annoying, I’m going to bed.” Derwin stalked off to his bedroom, and closed the door firmly behind him.
In the sanctuary of his room, Derwin sighed and slid his back against the door until he was seated on the floor. He released Charli, his chipmunk themed palisman and let her perch on his left hand.
“Man, can't a guy make a new friend without everyone assuming it's something else?” he complained to the palisman and she chirped sympathetically. “I mean, Emira was fun to talk to of course, and she is pretty. She's a bit younger but not by a lot. Oh Titan, do you think she's expecting anything? I mean, I'm not trying to be presumptuous but they all seem to think that.”
Charli nuzzled her face against his skin, the small gesture helping to ground him again. Derwin stroked her head affectionately with his other hand in response and smiled softly.
“Well,” he finally sighed. “I suppose it wouldn't hurt to hang out with her and see where things go?”
It was well past noon by the time Derwin woke up the next day. He stretched his arms wide outside his blankets and grabbed his glasses from the bedside table. Charli was still sleeping curled up against him, but the movement didn't disturb her.
Not feeling like getting up yet, Derwin decided to summon his scroll and browse penstagram for a bit. He cleared his notifications, the usual likes and comments, but then saw he had a new direct message.
EM_IRA: want to get coughfee?
…It definitely wouldn’t hurt to hang out and see where things went, right?
So Derwin and Emira went out for coughfee. And they went to concerts and music shops and coughfee again. And as the weeks went on, everything seemed good, Emira was great company and Derwin enjoyed hanging out with her.
Of course now though, a problem had emerged.
It wasn’t that he had been oblivious to the fact that Emira’s behavior sometimes resembled flirting, or that their many hang outs could be perceived as dates… it was just… he didn’t want that to be the case.
Derwin sighed into his soggy bowl of fear-ios and stirred the smilk without taking a single bite. As it turned out, hanging out and seeing where things went could still lead to someone getting hurt.
“Derwin?”
He looked up from his breakfast to see a concerned looking Katya standing in the doorway, most likely having just woken up recently herself, dressed in her pajamas and slippers.
“Is everything alright?” she asked.
All he could do was shrug a shoulder and turn his attention back to stirring the smilk in his bowl.
“Did something happen last night?” she asked, and Derwin nodded. He knew she had seen him his normal, happy self just yesterday afternoon, so it wasn't difficult to guess. “You went out with Emira, right? Did you two have a fight?”
Derwin shook his head no.
“So what happened?”
“She asked me to be her boyfriend.”
Katya’s worried expression turned into one of utter confusion. “Okay?” she said after a pause. “Derwin! That’s great! Why is that a problem?”
Derwin sighed heavily. “I didn't say yes. But… I didn't say no either. I told her I needed to think about it.”
“What's there to think about? I thought you two were getting along great?”
“We are but… I don't know! I was having fun as friends but, I just don't think I feel the way I'm supposed to feel about her? The way boyfriends and girlfriends are supposed to feel, the way you and Amber expect me to feel.”
“Okayyy—”
“And it's dumb because Emira’s a great person!” Derwin began to grow more frantic, though it was clear he wasn't upset with anyone but himself. “She's funny and smart, I like talking to her and she's obviously beautiful but—! I don't know! Everyone seems to think that's supposed to mean something more, but I don't feel any more strongly for her than I do for you or Amber.”
Katya frowned. “I didn't realize how much pressure our teasing was putting on you. I'm sorry, Derwin. I'll get Amber to ease up too, I promise. And you know that if you only see Emira as a friend, there's nothing wrong with that, right? All you have to do is be honest with her.”
“I appreciate that,” he said. “But… I'm also starting to realize there might be more to it. I don't think of Emira as someone I want to be romantic with, but I've also never thought of any girl that way—or any boy, for that matter. I remember as a teenager, while most of my classmates were getting into relationships, I was only interested in my bard studies. I figured that I was a late bloomer, that that stuff would come later on you know? But—” he paused to exhale deeply as he came to the end of his rant— “I'm twenty-two years old now. Shouldn't I have, I don't know, ‘bloomed’ by now?”
“You still could ‘bloom.’ It's never too late,” she tried to sound reassuring, but Derwin only groaned in response.
“How old were you when you had your first crush?” he asked plainly.
Katya thought for a moment before answering. “Probably about ten… okay, I see your point. But that doesn't necessarily mean—”
“Katya,” Derwin cut her off. “I appreciate what you're trying to do for me, really I do, but I just don't think you can understand what I'm going through.”
Derwin returned to stirring his soggy fear-ios and smilk while Katya frowned at him in concern until an idea came to her.
“How would you like to talk to someone who might actually understand?”
A few hours later, Derwin found himself in the history section of the mostly re-constructed Bonesborough Library. Per Katya’s instructions, he found a cluster of newly built side offices and knocked on the door bearing the name of Lilith Clawthorne.
“Come in!” a voice called from within and Derwin opened the door. The familiar red-haired witch was bent over her desk scribbling furiously on sheets of blue paper. “Now if the Deadwardian section goes here, and the Icktorian section here…” she mumbled to herself before looking up. “Oh! Derwin, hello! Katya let me know you'd be paying me a visit. Isn't this so exciting? We're drafting up plans to expand an entire wing of the library into a museum! Ooh I just can't wait! Have a seat and I'll make us some tea.”
Derwin sat down, but the moment he did he was immediately confronted by Hooty rocketing directly towards his face, stopping a mere few inches before impact. “HOOT! HIYA DER! HEARD YOU NEED SOME ADVICE! HOOT!”
Derwin tried his best to retain his composure in the face of such a demon and cleared his throat. “Hi Hooty. I uh, actually was hoping to speak to Miss Lilith in private, if that's alright?” He craned his neck to see beyond the crestfallen bird tube and made eye contact with Lilith, who smiled softly and nodded back.
“Hootsipher, would you be a dear and guard the office door? We don't want anyone interrupting us.”
“YOU GOT IT LULU!” And the bird tube dragged his portable home-pack out the door and closed it behind him.
“Thanks,” Derwin admitted quietly.
“The spider web tea will be ready in just a few minutes. I apologize it takes much longer to heat the water without glyphs, however I’ve learned some ‘human magic’ from Luz to do the trick.” As she explained this, Lilith held a small wooden stick topped with something red in her hand, and struck it against a block. The stick quickly caught fire and Lilith used the flame to light her small stove pit and kettle. Derwin was certainly intrigued, having never seen a fire spell cast that way before, but he’d have to ask more about it some other time. “So,” Lilith said and retook her seat. “What’s this I hear about you and the elder Blight girl?”
“Well…”
Derwin recounted everything that had transpired between himself and Emira over the past few weeks, from the moment they met at the wedding till last night when she asked him to define their relationship, sparing no details.
“…and I just don’t get it,” he continued. “Because I should like Emira that way, but I just don’t.”
“Why should you?” she asked genuinely.
“I– I'm not sure, really. It seems like I should? All my friends are really happy in their relationships, and they want me to be happy too.”
“And does the idea of dating someone make you happy?”
Derwin swallowed hard. This was the question he'd been asking himself.
“To be completely honest? No. If anything I'm more stressed than I've ever been! And not the exciting kind of stress like running from coven scouts, but the stomach-turning, paralyzing kind of stress like failing your midterm exams.”
Lilith smiled sympathetically at him. “You know Derwin, I was a lot like you when I was younger. Always focused on my studies and my career, not choosing to think about my love life–or lack thereof–until my mother or a coworker brought it up. I told myself at the time it was because I had more important things to worry about, but really the entire idea of romance made me feel uncomfortable in ways I didn't want to acknowledge.
“Then when I suddenly found myself without a career, yet somehow still with no shortage of suitors, I finally was able to admit to myself that I didn't experience those types of feelings for people.
“Both the demon realm and human realm idealize love and romantic relationships, putting them at the focus of nearly every story and telling each of us from a young age that this is what we must aspire to when we are older in order to be truly happy. And for the majority of people, love does make them happy. But for many of us, that simply isn't the case. Some of us are aromantic or asexual, or both. Some enter relationships anyway and find their own version of happiness, while others remain single and find other things that make them happy. Do you know what makes me truly happy? Deadwardian Balusters!”
Derwin chuckled at that. “Playing bassoon makes me happy,” he said firmly. “Helping people in our community makes me happy…. Spending time with my friends makes me happy… I do love my friends though, just in a different way… Forcing myself to try to have romantic feelings for someone just because I feel obligated to isn’t going to make me happy… Thanks Miss Lilith, you've given me a lot to think about.”
“I must admit, in some ways I envy you for discovering this about yourself twenty years younger than I did. But I am happy to have assisted.”
“Aromantic,” he tested the word on his tongue. “I think I like that.”
The older witch beamed. “Now would you like some more tea or will that be all?”
Derwin hesitated before answering. There was one more question he was dying to ask, but his cheeks burned in embarrassment just thinking about it.
“Wellllll, there is one thing,” he said slowly. “I think I might still be interested in kissing and other physical stuff. Just, without the romantic connection… You don't think that makes me, I dunno, scummy, do you?”
“Nonsense,” she scoffed. “There is no morality in attraction or the lack thereof. In any type of attraction, mind you. Don't let anyone shame you for that.”
The younger witch smiled and let out a sigh of relief. “Thanks Miss Lilith, you're the best. Now, if you'll excuse me, I think it's time for me to be upfront with Emira.”
Emira laid awake in bed that night staring at her ceiling. She kept replaying her conversation with Derwin today over and over again in her mind.
He didn't feel for her like that. He didn't feel for anyone like that, and he didn't believe he ever would. She should have been more hurt. She should have been more angry. She should have been more sad.
But she wasn't.
Why wasn't she?
Something had felt… odd… about the way Derwin had explained his feelings (or lack thereof) towards romance. She had gone on plenty of dates without feeling sprites in her stomach or a pounding in her chest. Since when did that have to matter?
She flopped over to her left side and huffed, still unable to get comfortable and sleep. Giving up, she sat up then sent her feet to the floor. Maybe splashing some water on her face would help her settle down.
Emira flicked on the lights and meandered to the bathroom she shared with Edric. In a house as big as Blight Manor, it wasn't necessary for the kids to share bedrooms, but as kids the twins had wanted to stay close and picked two adjacent rooms connected by a single bathroom.
She stood at the sink and took a look in the mirror. Her hair was disheveled and her acne was acting up, but she couldn't be bothered by that right now. Emira turned on the faucet, letting the cold water run over her wrists before cupping her hands and brought the water to her face. After a minute or two, Emira closed the tap and reached for a towel.
When she lowered the towel again, she noticed Edric hadn't closed the door to his side of the bathroom yet. Perhaps he was awake too?
“Edric?”
He didn't seem to hear.
“Edric? Edric? ED!?”
“Huh-whA!?”
Emira reached the doorway just in time to see her brother scramble around under his blankets and jolt upwards in bed. He turned on his lamp and fumbled for his glasses before focusing on her.
“Emira? What's going on?
“Oh, were you asleep? Sorry. It can wait till morning.”
“Wait,” he called out to stop her before she could return to her own room. “What was it?”
“Oh um, not much,” Emira said lamely, not knowing really where to start. “I was just… thinking. Remember that poem you wrote when you were dating Avery? The one you sent to their mom?”
“Did you seriously wake me up in the middle of the night just to make fun of me for that again?”
“No! I- I was just wondering…” she trailed off, trying to find the right words.
“Em? What are you trying to say?” Edric asked again in a much kinder tone, able to tell something was off with his sister. She rarely had trouble expressing herself to him, unless something was really bothering her.
“I was just wondering,” she repeated. “If you really felt the things you talked about in the poem. Like the parts about your heart racing and not being able to eat or sleep or look at them without your face turning warm?”
“Um, yeah?” Ed said, clearly confused by the question. “Of course I felt that way.”
“But like… are you sure you felt all that? And are you sure you felt those things because of Avery? You didn’t just, I don’t know, eat some bad ratworm or something? Like you’re really, really sure?”
Edric suddenly understood what Emira was really asking him. “Is this like the time when we were kids and you asked me if I was really ‘sure’ I was a boy?”
Emira blinked once. Then twice.
Oh.
Oh.
“Maybe it is a bit like that,” she sighed.
“Wanna talk about it?”
She hesitated for only a second before bobbing her head yes and surging forward to flop down on the foot of his bed.
EM_IRA: can we talk?
derwin_bassoons: meet for coughfee at 2?
[EM_IRA liked your message.]
Derwin would be lying if he said he wasn't a bit nervous about meeting up with Emira again so soon after their recent conversation. It wasn't a break up per se, that would have required actually being in a relationship to begin with, but it wasn't not a break up either. She had been uncharacteristically quiet while he explained everything to her, with a far off look in her eye as if part of her focus was somewhere else entirely.
He’d been afraid of hurting her, or making her mad, but instead Emira had barely reacted at all. Derwin couldn't help but wonder if she had called him here today just to yell at him for leading her on now that she'd had time to process everything. It would have been nice to keep Emira as a friend, but he wouldn't blame her if she never wanted to speak to him again.
But as the bell above the coughfee shop door screamed and Derwin stepped inside to see Emira already waiting at their usual table, she didn’t look angry. Or sad. Or distressed in any way. She simply gazed out the window, seemingly lost in thought, not even noticing him at first.
Derwin approached the table and loudly pulled out his chair to get her attention. “...Hi Emira.”
She blinked at the noise and turned to face him before smiling politely. “Oh! Hey Derwin. You can have a seat. I ordered your usual already, hope that's okay.”
“Oh! Yeah, that's great. Thank you.”
The two of them sat in uncomfortable silence till the server called their names and Derwin excused himself to fetch their drinks. Having the coughfee to occupy their hands and mouths certainly helped the silence feel less awkward, but things were a far cry from how they normally were between them.
“I'm sorry,” Derwin said after another beat, catching Emira off guard, “if I hurt your feelings yesterday.”
“Huh? Oh no, that's not what I wanted to talk about. Well, it kinda is, but not really. Sorry, I'm not making much sense, I have a lot on my mind.”
Derwin gestured with his hand to invite her to keep going if she wished to, and Emira’s lip twitched. She inhaled deeply and ran her fingers through her hair to calm herself before exhaling again.
“Okay,” she started, assuring herself at first more than she was addressing Derwin. “I've been thinking a lot about what you said yesterday, and the way you explained being aromantic and I just felt…the way you were describing it felt… familiar? In a way?”
“Familiar, how?” he asked.
“Like, I was talking about it with my brother last night and I realized some things. I realized, even though I've always been open to the idea of dating, I think I liked the idea of having a partner more than I actually liked the idea of dating any specific person. I know my parents aren't exactly the best role models, but I’ve kinda grown up seeing having a romantic partner as a status symbol or a means to not be stuck with my family forever, and I never really noticed anything wrong with that for a long time. Even on grom night, when Edric and I both got stood up by our dates, I was more embarrassed than I was heartbroken, but Ed was more sad about it.
“So, when you mentioned never having had ‘those’ feelings for people, I started to question if I ever really have either, and I couldn't say for sure if I had or not, but I'm pretty sure I haven't, at least not the way my siblings experience it. I'm not one hundred percent sure where on the spectrum I fall yet, maybe in the gray area, but I think I might be aromantic too.”
Derwin didn't speak for a moment, taking in everything Emira had just told him.
“So um, thank you for helping me figure that out, I guess?” she added, not knowing how to interpret Derwin's silence.
He shook himself out of his daze and offered her a smile. “You're welcome, I think? Thanks for trusting me with all that.”
Emira smiled back. “It feels good to talk to someone who understands, even if I'm still figuring things out.”
“Hey, it's okay. I'm still figuring things out too.”
“Well, maybe we can figure things out together. As friends?”
Derwin’s smile grew twice as big. That would make him happy.
“As friends.”