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“Hmm..Is this it?” The boy grunts once more as the familiar feeling of pins and needles crawl up the pads of his feet. In response, the water ripples, and his reflection is yet again ruined. He resists the urge to yell and instead focuses on correcting his mistakes. Maybe the eyes? They do look droopy whenever he smiles.
He reaches for his eyelids next, but feels a sting buzzing through his fingertips. His head turns, and–
“Now what are you doing?” The girl with short, black hair pulls her hand back. He resists strangling her in favor of the girl beside her who holds a troubled look.
“What Sua means–” The girl with pink hair shoots the other a pointed glare, “–is that you’ve been down there for a while. Is everything alright?”
Had it really been that long? It still feels like only a few seconds ago he when began practicing. He shrugs in response.
“So you’ve really just been staring at yourself this whole time? Told you he was fine,” Sua mumbled.
“Ha, don’t mind her. Regardless of what you hear, she’s worried too.”
Worried? What for?
“I’m fine.” He heard a frustrated sigh behind him, but ignored it. He had more important things to mind, like the state of his face. And what’s the point of conversing any more with them? He’s sure the moment they see his face properly they’ll think him ingenuine.
He’s much better off alone and isolated like before. That way he won’t bother anyone, won’t waste another person’s breath.
A smatter of shouts interrupt his inner turmoil, and against his better judgment he turns toward it. The girls follow in surprise, and suddenly he’s being pulled by the pink haired girl. His buzzing feet staggered slightly behind them as they ran towards an already forming crowd.
Ivan was surprised to find himself elevating his feet to even catch a glimpse of what the others thought entertaining. He grunted as a few closer bodies pushed him forward. His chest toppled forward, and with a startled cry he was barreling through the children. The moment he caught his breath, he straightened up and surveyed his surroundings.
He found himself in the middle of the people. Around him, many white uniforms blurred his vision. When he looked, the familiar images of pink and black hair were far behind at the outer edge. He tried to excuse himself in vain to the crowd’s rowdier clamoring. With a sigh of defeat, he finally looked forward with half a mind to take down such a distracting activity, only to be met with a surprise of his own.
He felt his eyes widen as another wave of familiarity struck him. Amidst the circle of kids appeared to be a single boy, the one with a shock of silver hair, who he came to learn some days ago to be the most rebellious of them all. Here he had something slung across his chest with a mike positioned directly in front of him. Both hands clasped tightly on the pole as his head banged up and down with rough precision. He let his eyes linger a moment longer on his fingers before catching another movement, one that was by the boy’s foot. It tapped resolutely on the grass alongside the rhythm of his head as though setting a tempo. It was at that moment he realized that he was not only throwing his body around in a mock attempt at performance, but singing too.
He listened intently to the melody that spilled with such ease through his mouth. The rough articulation and smooth transition in notes had Ivan hooked immediately. As he listened closer, he could just about make out the end of the pre-chorus, and thrummed in excitement as he felt the impending presence of the chorus.
He jumped as it erupted from the boy, followed by a flow of other words. He sang of broken glass, of versions of yourself hidden behind bright smiles and boisterous words. Distantly Ivan wondered if they were more similar than he thought, but it slipped to the back of his mind before he could dwell on it longer. Presently as the boy sang half steps towards the bridge, Ivan let the background blur further as he strained to hear the full quality. In his line of sight he could make out a bead of sweat furrowing down his temple, his wild smile still pushing through. At the final note and bang of his hand, the crowd erupted into barely contained whoops and hollers. That only led to the performer’s mouth splitting impossibly wider. He bowed with a flourish and sharply brought his head back up for a wink. It only helped to fuel the kids clamoring around him, and it was then that Ivan realized an ache in his cheeks. He brought a hand to his face and flinched as his fingers touched the edges of his lips, far closer than he expected. In a moment of adrenaline, his eyes flickered upwards. He didn’t know why he instinctively did so. Maybe to show off his (probably) happiness or to let the girls know that he accomplished what he was doing before. Instead of reaching either of those, his eyes had met the gaze of someone else instead.
Ivan was ashamed to admit to himself much later that time quite literally stopped for himself when it happened. It must’ve only been a mere millisecond, but for Ivan, it felt like hours. How had he not realized it sooner? How vivid those teal eyes were, how sharp and charming they’d been? It was no wonder he was able to draw the crowd as close as he did.
He was snapped out of his reverie as soon as the boy turned away, the kids around him scattered dramatically. He could see a large shadow on the ground following Till and recognized its figure to be an alien, presumably to clean up the disruption in the kindergarten. But Ivan couldn’t bring himself to care about running along the others, not when the boy was being dragged away.
A hand roughly grabbed his, and then he too was being dragged away. The last he saw of the boy’s face was a look of pride and unrestrained stubbornness as his lips moved to yell at the alien.
“Gosh, we couldn’t find you through the thick flock of people. You okay?” and surprisingly it was Sua who asked this. She however came to her own conclusion soon and subtly smirked.
“Dang Mizi, seems like we were worried for nothing.”
He heard heavy panting on his left and was soon engulfed by warm arms squeezing desperately at his neck.
“Ah, I’m so glad you’re okay. We lost you for quite a bit.” She pulled back, presumably to smile, but gawked instead.
“You–!”
“It’s Ivan. Sorry.”
“Ivan! Your smile’s so pretty!” On his right he could hear a hum of agreement before another pair of arms surrounded him.
“Ohhh, is that what you were doing near the lake?” Sua chuckled. “Don’t worry about what others think, Ivan. Your smile’s beautiful just the way it is.”
Another warm feeling grew inside his chest, and Ivan resisted the urge to turn away. “Thank you,” he mumbled. As the girls moved to give him space, a thought stirred to attention in his mind. Perhaps…
“Do you know who that was? I think I’ve seen him before, but I don’t know his name.”
“Oh him? That’s Till,” Sua scoffed. “He’s been in real trouble since he’s been here. Surprised they didn’t isolate him as much before.”
“Sua,” Mizi hissed. “That’s not nice. Besides, he’s our friend, remember?” She turned towards Ivan with another bright grin. How is it she could do that so easily?
“It’s true he’s a little rough around the edges, but once you really get to know him, he’s all sorts of fun!”
“Oh, I bet.”
“Sua!”
He merely chuckled at the sound of their bickering. It had grown on him, their company and their light chatter. He felt another smile, a softer one, grow steadily on his face.
The noise faded still as his eyes flickered to a corner of his sight. Something bright stood proudly against the artificially colored grass. A.. flower?
Ivan lurched forward, lost in a sort of trance as he approached the little thing. It stood so proudly against the indifferent grass, vibrant in a way the artificially colored weeds were not. He almost felt bad for plucking it off, but recognition kept ringing in his head that demanded attention. When had he seen this before?
-
“—ome back!” Ivan stumbled to the side as a force knocked his shoulder. He looked back to see who it was that dared to not apologize, and caught sight of a blurry figure darting towards two others. A red flower blew in the way, and the figure had a hand outstretched pathetically as though to catch it from running away.
He allowed himself another second to stare before turning back, intent on getting out of the stuffy room.
Best he not linger.
-
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"Ahh, it's so warm here." Ivan chuckled as Mizi blearily wiped her eyes. "That was a good game of tag, don't you think?" He huffed in amusement as Mizi threw herself unceremoniously against his chest, giggling all the while.
“I think so, too.” He jerked his head up, eyes roaming through the garden in thought. “Hey, where’s Sua? She was here just a moment ago.”
“Hm?” MIzi stretched. “Ah, I think she’s been summoned for a bit.” She said it with a relaxed tone, but Ivan could tell she was anything but judging by her jitterish hands weaving through her hair. Gently, he removed her hands and replaced them with his own. A few moments later he watched her eyes flutter closed. There was still a furrow between her eyebrows, but for now Ivan followed and shut his eyes.
The two continued to lay below the tree in a comfortable silence, occasionally giggling at the wind’s gentle kisses. Mizi would hum a tune she’d learned, and Ivan would close his eyes and listen to what she offered. It were moments like these that Ivan was truly thankful he wasn’t as isolated anymore.
When Sua came running in what felt like hours later, Ivan almost sighed in relief as Mizi ran towards her. They met halfway and embraced tightly, the pink haired girl burying her head at the collar of her friend’s dress.
He thinks about how gentle Sua is, even after pointedly glaring at him behind Mizi, when receiving the hug. He never thought he understood the term affection or actions that relate to it, but watching them… It was like they radiated too much of it. It was as though it could come easy to anyone. The way Mizi’s mouth would slip into a brilliant grin at Sua’s modest one, the way they would casually hold hands and harmonize with one another at an improvised tune. They were always connected at the hip. So effortlessly close.
It always made something bitter in his throat, a sort of bile that wouldn’t disappear for days. When it happened, he would usually feign ignorance. He managed to hide it though as he spotted Till beneath the tree beside them. His pitiful heart fluttered in excitement, and suddenly he was giddy with the feeling of Till’s shoulder supporting his oh so poor, beaten face.
Of course even with the thought buried in the back, he knows better than that. Even with the little moment they shared, he knew it was because of Mizi, Mizi , Mizi . He grunted at the sketches covering Till’s paper. It’s his own mind that’s against him after all.
He wants, so selfishly, to be like them. He imagines himself through countless nights and days when his hand would slip perfectly in his hands, would run through and brush those silver strands with complete awe and care, and would stroke at his face with gentle understanding. Sometimes his mind tricks him when he holds his own hands together. It almost works, and he spends most days in bed with them tucked beneath the covers, eyes covered in ignorant bliss.
If only his hands were warm enough like they were in his mind. Like Till’s were.
The first time he held Till’s hand was during break time, three days after his big show. Ivan had inched his way closer to the boy during practice, finally making it so that he was in Till’s direct line of sight. It didn’t last too long though. Once he had recognized Ivan as a friend of the girls, they hadn’t been as alone since. Lost in the moment, Ivan had taken Till’s hand and guided him to their usual hangout.
He didn’t care that in those three days Till had hit him and called him a loser. Maybe others expected him to cry, or to hold a grudge that would last until the end of their performing career. But Ivan being Ivan felt the opposite. It was ecstasy held close in the way his heart would soar at each punch and glare thrown his way. For the rest of eternity really, he would imagine again and again how the rough calluses of his hand would gently close around his soft one.
It was all things silly and immature, nothing like the reliable boy he imagined being with Till in his dreams, but that was okay.
As long as he kept himself in check enough, Till’s bouts of pain would be enough.
Ivan wouldn’t have allowed that of course, but it was nice to be considerate of the other. If Till stopped reciprocating every bite he gave, what was he to do?
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He really thought he was dreaming the second time he held Till’s hand. It was another spur of the moment, one Ivan isn’t sure he regretted.
His hands itched to do something as Till was dragged away. He had been especially prickly today, and he supposed the aliens had had enough of his chatter judging by how heavy those chains squeezed Till’s neck. In a moment fueled by impulse, Ivan wanted to be brave. He heard a voice shout out to the offending alien, demanding what he was doing. It wasn’t until he felt two pairs of arms clambering on his own and two voices begging desperately for him to stop did he realize that the wretched noise was his own.
Immediately he calmed, but his gaze never broke from Till’s squirming body. Once the door shut, Ivan felt as though he were wrenching his eyes away from it. For once as he opened his eyes he saw so much concern in Sua’s eyes, that when he opened his mouth he faltered. Mizi was already crying, though he couldn’t figure out why.
“Why don’t we sit down?” Sua’s voice trembles subtly, but Ivan was nonetheless grateful for her stepping in. He felt so numb as Mizi shook into Sua’s arms. Her hiccups seemed to echo in the domed room as Ivan dug his hands into the ground. The grit that had stuck beneath his nails helped if only a little, and even with their little “rivalry” Ivan was glad Sua took initiative. He was sure by now he would’ve already made it to Till’s side, but he understood now that he needed to prepare carefully. Still, his eyes betrayed him as he took another glance at the two. Mizi’s hiccups had stopped and now she was nestling comfortably on Sua’s lap. He looked away, but not before catching the way her fingers danced across Mizi’s head, smoothing the furrow between her eyebrows.
It shouldn’t be a big deal. He wasn’t sure why they were so shaken. Till was always taken away from the others. It was practically a daily occurrence, but maybe they had gotten too comfortable with his merciful punishments.
Focus, he chided himself. Because of his little display earlier, he might have his collar put on again. Hm, maybe if he placed it on the bed, they’d be none the wiser. Oh, but the cameras. It’s possible that if he acted up again, he could be isolated in the same place where there’s not many cameras. There he could make his escape and find Till.
He was glad they favored him. They always overestimated his guilty conscience. And anyway, the route should be easy afterwards. They always put Till in the same room, and—
“—van!” Mizi was shaking him in a voice he suspiciously assumed was laced with too much worry. But why should she be worried? She was just crying for goodness sake.
“What is it? I’m trying to make a plan here, and you’re ruining my— I have a plan, and— and Till is– he’s–”
What is going on? Why is it so hard to speak?
“Ivan!” Sua screamed. “You’re scaring Mizi. You’re scaring us.” It was too hard to see, but Ivan managed through the blur. He felt guilt as his gaze focused on Mizi pressed closer to Sua. He tried to wipe the tears himself like he always did, but his arms were too heavy. Too shaky. Why?
“Ivan, please,” Sua coaxed. He flinched as her hand laid on top of his own. It was warm, but not as warm as Till’s. “It’s okay to cry. I know you want to, too.”
He scoffed, but he knew no one was convinced judging by Sua’s unimpressed expression.
“I don’t need to cry. This happens to Till all the time. Frankly, I don’t see why you guys are overreacting.” He denied their outstretched arms, violently shaking his head as Sua’s hands clenched on his shoulders.
“Sua, I’m fine. See?” He flashes his signature smile, the one that always made Till mad. Instead of being flustered, her eyes flashed in recognition. She roughly let go of his shirt and grabbed Mizi’s wrist instead, whisking them away.
Mizi stumbled haphazardly behind Sua’s stomping, waving a weak goodbye to Ivan.
The guilt follows him to the canteen area, and all his self control breaks. It’s released in a flurry of punches and screaming to some Acorn looking kid (as Till called him). It seems his outburst was worth it in the end as an alien came to collect him not five minutes later the mess. He was unfortunately knocked out by the time their hands were on him, but was luckily met with the sight of the familiar blank room.
Ivan waits a little longer to hear any incoming footsteps. When an eternity passes in dead silence, Ivan reaches for the back of his collar and clicks it off. It clatters to the floor by the time he’s slipped out the door. It’s cold when he shuts it closed as it always is in these parts, but especially so when he knows the source of it is kept away.
His footsteps carry him towards one hallway to another. Each sharp turn adds to the edging anticipation, and when he’s finally met with the last wall between him and Till, he almost cries in relief. He waits another moment for any lingering voices that may still be in the room before sprinting towards the door. His eyes adjust quickly to the suffocating dimness, and this time he does allow a small noise to escape at the sight of Till. His fingers are already brushing across the cuffs around his neck and limbs. Immediately once he feels their tell, he gets to work. Five clicks echo in succession, and with each one does Till’s sleeping body droop farther into his waiting arms. There’s stirring followed by low murmuring, but Ivan doesn’t acknowledge it until they’re near the door again. His eyes flicker to Till’s before raising a finger to his lips. They needed to be especially quiet for this part.
He tries to tug on Till’s arm, but is met by a swat to his own. He really looks at Till then and realizes the way he’s holding himself. His arms are wrapped around his torso, his legs swaying dangerously. With each movement, Till’s face scrunches up in pain before steeling itself into indifference.
That doesn’t work for Ivan.
Because he knows Till will deny it, he does it himself. It’s awkward at first with him suddenly pushing backwards towards Till’s teetering figure, and even more when he suddenly hooks his arms around his legs, but it works. When Till punches his back with soft grunts, he takes it as permission and hoists him outside.
The route back is traveled in relatively tense silence after Till gave up punching him.
A thought pops into his head, a seemingly bright and brilliant one. Since Till’s been the source of his acting up, Ivan decided he'd try to give Till a taste of his own medicine. This way they could both have fun.
He takes two left turns instead of one, and is surprised to find heavily guarded arched doors. There’s only one memory he can recall with them, and that’s when he first entered. He doesn’t particularly remember this area being accessible at any given day, but he supposes it’s just their luck. He grins, adjusting Till’s slumping figure before jauntily heading towards the exit.
Till’s head finally snaps to attention at the hiss of the doors sliding open. He imagines his eyes growing wider at the sight before them.
It’s everything Anakt Garden should’ve been. There’s tall grass tickling Ivan’s ankle, a feeling Till experiences himself after wriggling out of Ivan’s grasp. It’s dimly lit by the stars above them.
When they notice, it’s Till who takes Ivan’s hand and leads them farther from the building. He points at the stars and shouts all the while about the astonishing quality to them. Like how the sparkle is somehow more authentic than the view they get from the domes in the garden. Ivan just nods and feels his snaggletooth catch on his lips once more at Till’s adoring gaze.
They stay there for a while, and eventually Ivan remembers blinking into a view of a swarm of shooting lights above. His grip tightens in Till’s hand and suddenly they’re taking off, legs pumping as they run towards its brilliance.
There could be cameras, or guards, or— or someone else out there that could hear the laughter of two boys running crazily in the fields outside, but Ivan’s rationality was always thrown out the window with Till involved. How could this moment be any different?
Well, besides that it was just them. Just himself and Till, and this time he wasn’t smiling at Mizi’s soft words, or Sua’s haughty glares. It was for him and him alone. He made him smile. And Ivan was laughing at the thrill of it.
They’re both panting hard now, but their grins are hardly wiped off. When their eyes meet again, Ivan isn’t ashamed to find that he’s absolutely transfixed at the gentle, genuine light in Till’s sharp eyes. Is this what Mizi gets to see everyday? Does she even realize what she’s seeing when she sees Till?
Ivan brushes off the pang of jealousy, but something about the mention of them has his mind halting. There’s flashes of her face in his head, though most memories have Sua in them. She’s always been at her side, so cold and mean to him and Till, and so weak with Mizi.
Wait. She was— is weak for—Mizi?
Ah. And Ivan laughs again. They’ve had each other all along.
Maybe… maybe he and Till could have each other too.
“Till.” His voice is so startlingly clear against the hushed winds that he can actually catch the slight waver at the end of it. It seems Till could too by the way his eyes are too thin, the jut of his lower lip, and the pinch between his brows…
And then a hand is being brought up to his face, and a pang is sent through the middle of his forehead. Eyes wide, his head whips up to Till once more, only to immediately melt at the way his head is thrown back in laughter, albeit short.
Hah. Short and sweet.
“Come on, Ivan.” And then he tilts his head in that adorable way he knows he’s weak for, and how can Ivan refuse him?
He’s careful when he reaches for his other hand, keeping the two of them close to his chest. Hm. Even now in the breezy darkness, Till still manages to run warm.
He presses his lips together against the wind, relishing the way Till rolls his eyes. There’s a softness to them now, the glint of his eyes a little playful. He hoped it would stay that way for a little longer.
“What if… what if we ran away?” And Ivan knows that he must sound crazy, but isn’t this what he’s been fighting for the entire time? Freedom?
“We could do whatever we wanted! You could perform all those songs you wrote. There’s people out there I’m sure will actually appreciate your work, and–” Ivan feels those hands sliding out slowly, and it’s… It’s cold again.
“Ivan, you’re joking, right? I mean, you’ve got to be joking. There’s no way…” His hands balled into fists as his bangs swept into his face once more. Have I been wrong?
Panic seizes him as he reaches for the boy’s hand again, only to watch in horror as he backs away. With each step, Ivan can feel himself grow surer that this had been a mistake.
But even if it was, something about this boy made him want to do everything for him. But wait, that isn’t right either, is it?
Everything about this boy, punches and barbed wire and all else, made him want to do anything for him.
And he realized this too late as Till ran away. Away from the shooting star phenomenon above them, away from the freedom they’d never get again, and away from him.
And he, who had smiled at the figure running farther away, at the reverberating crack of his heart and everything human, just knew that when it came down to it, he’d do it all over again. He’d cradle his broken heart on his own if it meant Till would be happy.
He stood for a moment longer outside, just long enough for the stars to resume their finite position in the sky. If Till really wanted to stay and compete, he’d be right there.
And when the time comes, he would do what he had to.
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He hadn’t pegged himself as the kind of person to bring sentiment into his last breaths, but he couldn’t help looking back on his childhood. In those moments, he remembered all the fun he had with Till, the laughter he shared with Mizi, and the rare moments of vulnerability with Sua.
Ah, Sua. It seemed like so long ago when they “despised” each other. Now it seems that there really was something he and Sua shared in common after all
There was a time he had sneered at Sua, pointing out the hypocrisy in her self sacrificing mindset knowing full well he’d do the same.
At the memory, he had smiled, albeit a little subtly into the kiss. This time he allowed Till to push him farther away and resumed his plan. Despite the audience’s perspective, Ivan made sure to place delicate fingers on his neck, squeezing enough so that the aliens could see it done. He ignored Till’s face. He didn’t know if he could see this to the end if he looked back.
Who was he kidding? Even with the life bleeding out of him and the dimming vision, Ivan just knew he’d never forgive himself if he couldn’t do what he wanted just one more time.
His ears rang, and there was a searing pain everywhere, and still he shrugged it off. It merely bothered him, how cruel the constant torment he came to enjoy had numbed in the face of literal affliction, because at least then he still had a part of Till with him. He humored that when he died, he’d at least make up for that loss by catching those teal eyes once more.
As he fell, he imagined himself growing lighter. Finally they would both be free, and Till wouldn’t have to be bothered to deal with himself again.
Farewell, Till. My god, my universe, my being. Perhaps at the end of my story, yours will finally begin, and you will blossom as you are meant to.
Thank you for being a victim of my shallow emotions.