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“There’s just, something I need to talk to you about,” Regulus states. He’s leaning against the snacks table, while James is staring at him intently. He and Regulus their talk with Melanie and Gio.
“What is it?” James asks quietly.
“I- not here,” He responds. The queer club they had created was rather busy.“
It’s just. Something important, I have to tell you,” He says. “It is something I know won’t or can’t happen, but I refuse to keep it anymore,”
“That’s okay, maybe you can have it? We can figure out a way for you to have it. If money’s a problem-“
“Its not. Listen, you know how to find me, so… find me. 10pm.” And then he’s gone. Supposedly, gone from the club in general. And it worries him. Because Regulus was fine a few moments ago. Somehow, in a few seconds, something upset him. The aura of their conversation just now was so… depressing. James wants to know why. But also, he doesn’t want to push him. It feels unfair.
♤
It’s around 5 minutes before 10pm. James pulls the map out of his drawer and scans it. He can’t find Regulus’ name. He’s going to give up until he finds it. Right down, tiny in the corner, the kitchens. The kitchens? Odd. He doesn’t seem the type to be friendly with house elves. But nevertheless, James wipes away the map and stuffs it in his pocket, then grabs the cloak and whisks away. He comes up to the portrait of the little bowl of fruits, and it opens for him. James steps inside. Regulus is huddled at a small table, probably put up by the elves, and is whispering quietly to one.
“Thank you,” he says and then the elf scurries away. James walks closer. Regulus turns, and his face is unreadable. He comes closer, pulls a chair, and sits down next to him. Not a word comes out of his mouth. Regulus can and will do this his way. There’s a small assortment of snacks on the table. James doesn’t reach for them. He’s focused on Regulus.
“Uhm..” Regulus seems to be, finding words? “Well. I always- I need to say it. And… I guess it’s… important,” Regulus decides. “As I said.”
James merely nods. Regulus seems to swallow, and James finds himself following it travel down his throat.
“So… this.. what we’re doing-“
Oh.
“Is it hurting you? It’s making it worse? We can stop,” James blurts out.
“No- I- it’s making it… better- for that,” Regulus intervenes. “What we’re doing I want it,” Regulus continues. “I want it. And… have it. Beyond the audiences,” he pauses.
“What you said, in the forest- on Valentine’s Day. You said Lily was all you ever wanted.. was. But I’m not taking you up on that, I won’t, it’s fucking ridiculous-“ James tries to speak but Regulus instantly cuts him off. “No. Uhm- sorry,” He quickly makes up for it. “You also said that.. I should have this, with someone I loved,” He finishes.
James stares. Clicking it together in his mind.
“Alas, what I want, I can’t have,” Through it all, James knows. “It’s not- her fault, it’s not yours, it’s not mine, so… I just wanted to say it. And that I am honestly struggling to keep on pretending this is fake with.. you,”
The emphasis isn’t a bite. It’s admiring. And James doesn’t know what to do with it. What to say. Sirius? … Sirius? He was okay with it fake. Maybe not the part where they kissed. Which is even more worrying.
“I- Reg, listen,” James begins. “You know, I would… I would do this with you.” Regulus lights up in a way James has never seen in him. It feels just like that moment, when Sirius became his brother, and all was okay.
… It drains out of Regulus in the next few moments, faster than anything.
“But Sirius- it wouldn’t be good for him, and maybe you, seeing as you aren’t exactly picture perfect siblings- which I suppose no one really is but…”
“You’re joking? Sirius?” Regulus’ voice was meant to drip with venom, but all that came out was a voice crack of pain. His eyes water.
“What? He’s my best friend-“
“And he matters more? I’m always the second choice!” Regulus bursts out. “I was the spare at home, he’s more important, if he had the chance to choose who he had as a brother,” Regulus says.
“He would choose you.”
“Regulus, come on, he wouldn’t. And you both matter a lot to me,” James tries to come back from whatever mess he may have just created. It doesn’t work.
“If we were, to have a relationship,” Now his voice is angry. Pure anger. Nothing of the boy James knew. Cold. “All of it would be on Sirius terms? Fuck it, why didn’t you ask him to fake date you? Why me?”
“I thought you were beautiful.”
“No! No you’re not allowed to do that! You can’t- you fucking can’t say…” Regulus loses his trail of words. The house elves have shrunk to the corners of the rooms. The food lays untouched. Until Regulus abruptly stands up. And walks. And walks. And he’s at the portrait hole.
“Consider this our fake break up,” He hisses and he’s gone.
Gone.
Gone?
James shouldn’t feel like this. Not when not a single bit of it was real.
Real.
Real?
James doesn’t know the difference anymore. He doesn’t know why he took him out for Valentine’s Day, kissed him when no one was around, did his best to make him as happy as he could. But he doesn’t regret it. Not a single bit of it. In all, he wants him to come back. To work it out. Why did he bring up Sirius? Why did he have to do this? Why did he have to fuck it all up?
He’s supposed to get it right. He always gets it right. People come for comfort from him. He isn’t supposed to do the opposite.
He’s almost scared.
♤
Regulus pushes through the door to his dormitory. He’s not surprised to find Dorcas and Pandora in here, but he doesn’t look at them. Not Evan or Barty. Not even Zar. He is set on his one destination, which is the safety of his four poster bed. He darts straight for it, and one he’s inside, he charms the curtains closed. They look stiff and stretched.
“Reg? Regulus, what happened?” Dorcas says. She sounds panicked. All Regulus does is put up a silencing charm around him, so they cannot hear him. He can’t even hear himself. He might be crying. He might not be.
“Regulus? Are you alright?” Pandora’s voice drifts though. He closes his eyes. He doesn’t want to listen. Shuffling of bodies. Scuffing of shoes.
“Right, whatever happened, I’m sure we can help,” Barty says. Barty. Barty. Regulus can comply with that. He slowly allows the curtains to stop straining, and Barty takes this as an indication to open them slightly at the end. He only reveals himself and nothing else.
“Oh, Reg, right, let’s sort you out,” He clambers in and roughly shuts the curtain again behind him. The others quickly filed out and Regulus hears the door click behind them. Suddenly, he feels Barty’s fingers wiping something away from his face. Ah. He was crying, then.
“James?” A nod. “Prat,” Barty scoffs.
“No- I.. it’s my fault, really,” He whispers.
“Well, lets see.. what really happened?”
“I told him.” Is all Regulus can say before his eyes leak without his permission.
“Come here,” Barty shuffles closer and Regulus sinks into him. It’s unusual, their friendship. It’s always been heavily platonic, just as James and Sirius are. Never anything else. They have a connection what the others don’t.
“So, what did he say then?” Barty asks.
“Well- I- said it,” Regulus begins. “And he said he was okay with it. Said he would do that,” Regulus pauses.
“But then..?”
“He brought up Sirius, said weird shit like, it depends about Sirius, It wouldn’t be good for Sirius, Sirius, Sirius.” Regulus throws a heavy mocking tone over his words.
"Okay, so, yes, he is a prat. And that is nothing on you,” Barty announces. “I must say, I am good for busting this down sexual style, because I’m shit at everything else,” He adds.
Regulus’ brain short circuits for a minute.
“Oh.”
“Right, but- no, you don’t want that,” Barty quickly clears up.
“I mean, you can’t with Evan. And that’s perfectly fine, and I clearly can’t with James,” Regulus says quietly. “It might be nice. As friends.”
“You want to?”
“I never have before.”
“Even better. I’ll show you my awesome ways,” Barty snickers.
“Okay, then.” Regulus whispers.
♤
"GET UP!” Evan’s voice bursts through Barty and Regulus’ quiet haze of sleep. It must be morning. They fell asleep, both on Regulus bed. They’re still stripped. Barty is, anyway. Regulus remained quite frankly in his own pants. As he blinks his eyes open, Regulus notices he is currently sprawled over Barty’s chest, which is honestly not an uncomfortable place.
“Shut the fuck up Rosier,” Barty mutters and it makes Regulus jump.
“Oop, shit,” Barty giggles. “You didn’t know I was awake?”
Regulus shoots him a look. But then grins. Barty joins him happily.
“I’m leaving you here. See you at breakfast, twats,” Evans receding footsteps indicate his departure. Regulus slowly slips out and begins rooting for clothes. Barty remains laid there for a few minutes. Throwing shirts out of his wardrobe, he finds something buried at the back. It’s a mound of red and gold, and when he pulls it out, the sweater bears the name ‘POTTER 07’ in big letters on the back. He forgot he had this. He never touched it again after he had it glued to him for a day. Then, an idea sprawls into his head.
“Barty?” He asks.
“What? Huh?”
“I just found this,”
Barty appears faster than anything. He quickly grabs clothes and shoves them on, most of his shirt buttons still undone. “Oh my god, get that horrific thing out of here,” He gasps when he notices what Regulus is holding. “No, actually, we’re going to make it better,” He says simply. Regulus rips open his curtain then lays the sweater out flat on the bed, with the back facing up. Barty grabs his wand. He learnt a spell, once, which is coming just in handy right about now. When Barty moves away, the letters ‘POTTER’ have been covered with scorch marks, that spell out ‘CROUCH’ very obviously.
"Merlin, Barty," Regulus scoffs.
“Actually, the correct answer you should have said, is it too late to tell you, that I absolutely love you, and we should get married?” Barty dramatically falls to his knees, and imitated proposing a ring.
“Definitely too late. Evan?” Regulus raises an eyebrow.
“..Mm. Fair.” Barty comes back to stand. Regulus continues. What once said on the jumper, 'POTTER 07' Now reads, 'CROUCH 69'
“Love your choice of player number,” Regulus says says and Barty grins. Then, he turns it over at the front, and gets to work on the Gryffindor emblem.
♤
When Barty pushes open the doors to the Great Hall, and Regulus walks after him, they walk with confidence. Red and gold cover Regulus’ torso, but the changes that have been made are very clear. It makes more people stare than when people had originally found out he and James were ‘dating.’ Regulus makes no attempt to look at the Gryffindors. Just finds himself walking over to Evan, Pandora and Dorcas- and sitting right down. His back to the lions.
-
James might be sick. James might die. James might- everything in between. It’s the first time he has seen Regulus since last night. And he wishes he didn’t. His name has been scratched out, his player number replaced, and his proud Gryffindor emblem has been covered with a revolting crest of a snake. The choice of number makes him was to retch even more. Did it happen? Don’t think about that. Fucking hell. Everyone has turned from Regulus to him. Expecting something. What is he supposed to do? Give a speech? About how his now… ex-boyfriend? Is wearing his old sweater with pride, but bearing another’s name?
“What the fuck happened?” Remus says, eyeing down the back of Regulus.
“He.. fuck, I think it’s my fault,” James announces.
“What? No. It’s not, he’s probably just being a wankstain,” Sirius says as he wraps one arm around James’ shoulders.
“No- it.. yeah, It is my fault. I said something I shouldn’t have, and I hurt him,” James says. “He said he’s done, and he’s not faking anything with me anymore. Which I get. But Merlin, didn’t think he would do that,” James’ breath hitches slightly.
-
“Is he looking?” Barty curiously asks Evan. He’s sat next to Regulus, so he can’t see James either. Evan nods.
“I mean, at least we aren’t acting weak anymore.” Evan says.
“Absolutely not,” Barty agrees. Regulus just grins. In all honesty, he never really stopped.
“Fancy working up more traction?” Barty suggests.
“What?” Regulus raises a brow then takes a sip of water. “My offer still stands of snogging you right here in the Hall.”
Regulus chokes on his drink. “I’m not against it,”
Barty turns to Evan hopefully. “I would never, but you have my full permission,” He says. “Be my guest.”
Regulus stares down at the table for a moment, but can’t stop a smile from growing in his lips.
“Okay,”
Barty’s hand makes contact with his neck, and the other his cheek, faster than anything. Regulus has to turn to look at him. He won’t complain, his face is rather beautiful. Then Barty surges forward, and catches him in his mouth. His kissing is more aggressive that James, but he likes it. Barty catches Regulus’ bottom lip and bites, and Regulus has to fist fight himself from making a small noise. It's erratic, unpredictable, and Regulus delves in it. Barty’s fucking good. He almost feels bad for Evan for missing out. Regulus hand has found Barty’s hair, and it’s tugging, pulling. It's all Regulus wanted from James, for it to be meant, and what he never got. Barty moves on and starts kissing along his jaw, and Regulus chuckles softly.
“Hey, right, stop it now,” He mutters, half jokingly.
“Absolutely not, you’re fucking beautiful,” And he continues. Regulus looks at Evan for a moment, but he’s only met with a lazy grin. Thank Merlin. Dorcas looks slightly horrified, but also amused. When Barty pulls down the collar of the sweater, it reveals bite marks. Several. Fresh. And Barty attacks them again.
-
James might be the epitome of jealousy right now. Regulus’ neck is branded with love that isn’t his. And he’s currently being loved by someone that isn’t him. And he feels like shit about it.
Sirius’ jaw is slack open and Remus is baffled. Pretty much everyone is, he supposes. He can have a go at him, then go around snogging whoever he wants after and act like everything doesn’t matter? James knows this will get repercussions later. For Regulus. They did it to take the piss out of him, nothing else. And it makes his insides scream. It’s not right. But deep down, he knows, he deserves it. He was too blind, for too long, and lost this. He could have had this. But he built it a cage, locked it inside, and threw away the key. Someone else rescued it. And someone else has it. And James doesn’t even know what to do with it. So, he decides nothing at all. Stand, walk, leave. Deal with it later. The doors clang after him and his feet carry him away from the Hall.
-
“He’s just walked off in a strop,” Dorcas announces, and Regulus chuckles. He might mean it. He doesn't know. He supposed to be feeling fucking great, but maybe, something just isn't right. And then Barty latches off of him and laughs, then Evan, then Dorcas, then Pandora. None of the last three know what happened, but they care for their best friend. For Regulus. And what hurts him, hurts them.
And when it comes to James Potter, he’s not an exception.
♤
It’s a few months, but it eventually changes. The sweater was long forgotten, lost somewhere in the depths of the Black Lake- courtesy of Sirius.
James, in that big heart of his, found a place to let Regulus have time. After all of it, he came to a conclusion he in fact, did not want to hurt James anymore. They barely talked, a hi in the corridor, to an occasional conversation, to friends. To lovers. They worked their way through, bit by bit, worked past anything either had doubts for. Regulus got a new Quidditch sweater. It’s still in pristine condition.
They got there in the end. And they hope they always will, In every universe.
Every, single, one.