Archive of Our Own

“I’m under strict orders not to die,” she croaks out, forcing a smile towards the Colonel as her eyes glaze over. Blood loss is such a quick death and she’s certain she’ll succumb to it; she’s unafraid of the dark.

She hears Ed screaming, she wonders briefly if it’s for her but then she feels that unraveling - a long forgotten memory of agony crawls up her spine and she thinks she should scream too. Surrounded by the blindingly bright light she wants to cry out. There are few places that Riza would not dare tread twice and truth is one of those places.

Once was enough - once took everything from her - she swore she’d never speak of it again. She promised her father, she promised herself that no one would ever know what horrors she’d seen.

She’s sure she’ll die here, in this portal to another plane, she closes her eyes; she doesn’t want truth to be the last thing she sees before she dies. She’d rather hold onto the Colonel’s face… she’d rather remember Roy as she goes into the beyond.

~

Roy screams so desperately he tastes blood in the back of his throat. They’re gone, Ed and Riza are gone and he is still trapped in the arms of corpses. He thinks he calls her by name instead of her rank but he doesn’t care. His subordinate, his lieutenant, his Hawkeye, Riza is gone and it is killing him.

“Hm, interesting,” Bradley hums looking at the puddle of blood with keen interest. “Did you know your little lap dog had committed the ultimate taboo? Tut-tut, what a thing to keep from your Führer.”

Roy tries his damnedest to be methodical when playing with fire, he tries to calculate his aim and meticulously choose where to spark a flame. Now, he snaps his fingers with rage in his chest so deep that he isn’t sure he could see straight if he wanted to. He sees a burst of fire erupt on Bradley’s shirt, he stumbles back long enough that the other Chimera can swoop in and implement their rescue.

Roy runs to the pool of blood, half convinced she’ll still be there if he can just reach her. His knees splash in the puddle of crimson and he cries out again. 

“Idiot! Get up and fight or she’s as good as gone!” Scar calls clobbering one of Wrath’s swords.

“There’s still time! We can find her!” Mei approaches him with clenched fists and a determined look in her eye.

Roy wonders why the girl looks blurry when he realizes his eyes are full of tears.

“Go find them! We’ve got this!” One of the Chimera calls over his shoulder.

“I know the way to their lair, I’ll take you, come on!” Mei tugs at his jacket and Roy sets into a sprint in the direction Mei indicates. He has to find her, he has to protect her, he… he can’t believe he didn’t know. He wonders if Master Hawkeye condoned the ritual; he wonders if Master Hawkeye was a part of it; he wonders what on earth could have been taken from her.

~

Riza opens her eyes and sees a man who confounds her for a solid few minutes. She thinks she’s dead but the pain is so profound living is the only possible answer. Then who is this man above her? And why does he look so much like-

Her eyes focus on the second figure and she realizes that Edward looks so much like his father.

“Steady, try to breathe, you lost a lot of blood.” He warns.

A voice Riza does not recognize laughs somewhere in the distance, “Thank you Hohenheim, it would have been quite devastating if one of my sacrifices were to die in this final stretch.”

“Lieutenant!” Edward leans in a bit closer to her with watery fearful eyes, “Are you okay!?”

She forces a small reassuring smile but finds she’s not quite confident enough to speak. Her head is pounding, her body is trembling and freezing, likely from blood loss. 

“Lieutenant! Lieutenant Hawkeye!” The ringing of Alphonse’s voice brings her a sense of comfort as another wash of agony ripples through her.

She feels herself fading again, this time she doesn’t want to go, she wills herself to stay awake while Izumi Curtis pulls her into a half seat. Her head rests against Izumi’s chest as Edward wipes his eyes of tears.

“You-... you did it too,” Edward looks at her in disbelief.

She can’t say no, she cannot deny that she has seen the truth; her being here is enough to prove that terrible fact.

“Not by choice,” she manages to choke out the sentence.

“How? But.. you’re not an alchemist!” Al’s metallic voice twangs with something like tears; the closest he can get, in any case.

Suddenly Pride is there hanging from the rafters in all his eldritch glory, an obscene laugh falling out of its maw.

“There you are Pride, you didn’t tell me your little bodyguard would be joining our ceremony.”

“Apologies, father, it seems even Mustang was unaware of her dirty secret.”

Father… of course, isn’t it always the dirty work of fathers to ruin the world? Isn’t that why this godforsaken country is ruled by a Führer?

That man Pride called father gives a hum in response, “I suppose it is of no consequence, for what it’s worth - thank you Lieutenant Hawkeye, for making this so easy for me.”

Not for the first time in her life - not even the first time that day - Riza thinks that all of this would be easier if she were dead. If she were dead she wouldn’t have fallen right into the hands of a would-be god calling himself father. If she were dead she wouldn’t be drowning in guilt or the blood stuck in her windpipe. If she were dead she wouldn’t have to bear witness to the horror her own father created.

In those moments of in-between (where Father attempts to ascend), she finds herself in that cavern of truth. The white hall and a door taunting her; she remembers the first time she unraveled, when she became all parts and no sum of a person. She remembers the smile, the laugh, how truth snickered at her:

“A little girl desperate to prove herself worthy, hm? How original, perhaps I should take away your potential for your sins.”

When she returned to the real world her father was hacking up blood and she felt the loss inside of her. The painful aching loss of her alchemy; for her, Truth didn’t amplify her abilities, it stripped her of alchemic potential. Her father looked at her with scorn and spat at her feet, bloody saliva coated her ankle as he called her useless.

Useless because they hadn’t been able to bring her mother back and useless because she could no longer be the successor he so desperately craved. It was then that she realized she was his true punishment; illness was nothing to a mad man, the loss of his legacy was everything.

Years later when she saw what Truth had taken from the Elrics it made her ache - both with a familiar grief and with callous jealousy. They lost each other because they loved, and all she had ever been was a punishment for the man who used her.

She opens her eyes as the world comes back to itself, souls returned to their bodies in a cyclone of chaotic energy. Unholy power washes over them, Hohenheim explains it but she isn’t sure she follows. She’s dizzy, her mind is like static everytime she hears about the intricacies of alchemy, stuck down with befuddlement and a killer migraine. The price she pays for her sins.

Izumi is pressing on her neck, presumably the wound reopened, Riza isn’t surprised but she is tired.

“It’s not so bad this time, I promise,” Izumi swears as she attempts to wrap the injury. Ed and Al are fighting with Pride, Father is a god with a failed ascension, and things really could not be worse. 

With her neck properly patched - and only one instance of being jostled out of the way for a stray hunk of rock that missed both Hohenheim and Ed - Riza is slowly starting to feel more alive. 

“Lieutenant!” the sound of his voice drapes her in relief - even if the sight of him is less than ideal. His cheeks are flushed and stained with dried tears, smoke clings to him like a cloak, and his eyes are wild as he cradles her.

“She lost a lot of blood but she should survive it, she’ll need medical attention.” Izumi says.

Riza barely hears her because Roy’s arms around her figure keep the world at bay. Here she’s safe, tucked away in the only home she’s ever known.

“I’m so sorry, Lieutenant, if I had known-”

“Don’t… I didn’t… wouldn’t have told… anyone,” she says, her voice garbled by the clots of blood still stuck in her throat. She doesn’t know how to express all she’s thinking but he reads it in her eyes:

I couldn’t tell you or he would have hurt me, I couldn’t tell anyone because I was ashamed, I couldn’t have you looking at me like that.

“Don’t talk, Lieutenant, just rest now.” It takes a moment for her to realize his bare thumb is caressing her cheek. His gloves are sticking out of his pocket instead of burnt to cinders. It makes her heart lurch with tenderness, especially when he touches his forehead to hers.

She smiles and nods wordlessly as the earth rumbles beneath them. His arms tighten around her frame, trying desperately to keep the world away from her. Over his shoulder she sees one of Pride’s tendrils snaking over to them. She grabs the pistol strapped to her thigh and shoots it over the Colonel’s shoulder.

Roy grimaces at the sound and groans, “Can’t we have a minute!?”

“Seems not,” she mutters weakly into his shoulder.

Instead of helping the Elrics fight off Pride, the Colonel hoists her into his arms and follows Izumi out of the cavern. Riza keeps an eye on Roy’s back as she always has, the jostling of his steps hurts more than she wants to admit.

“I can stand,” she says once the daylight covers her. There’s dust all around them and it makes her feel like her skin is drying out.

“Not on my watch,” his voice is just shy of a growl as father rises from the proverbial grave and starts destroying anything in his path.

“You need to fight,” she insists with a harsh cough.

“Lieutenant-”

She fires another few shots at an oncoming ripple of darkness; it seems father is displeased by their escape.

“Put me down and fight,” she reiterates.

He gives a terse, “Fine!” crouching to the ground to lay her down and donning his gloves.

Her world is spinning and her hands are basically vibrating with tremors at this point - but they have a damn job to do. Roy is still looking at her, well, blatantly staring is more of a proper description, as she pulls herself to her knees and then her feet.

He rises from her side and deliberately steps in front of her before firing off his attacks, one right after the other until his gloves burn away. For a moment, it looks like Father is going to turn those attacks right back on them but Izumi manages to create a barrier, protecting them just in time.

Riza focuses all of her attention on staying conscious; it has become abundantly clear that no matter what they do this fight is between Father and Ed. It makes her stomach twist but she can’t keep fighting. The floating blocks of black enter and leave her field of vision in a dizzying swirl. Her knees buckle under her weight, but when she falls he catches her.

“Stay with me,” he implores her, lowering her body back to the ground.

“Yes, sir,” she responds, but her stomach lurches dangerously. A moment of panic rises within her; if she does vomit it might reopen the delicate wound. She can’t have that, and if she bleeds again she’ll pass out and she will not disobey an order from her commanding officer.

“Armstrong, get her to medical, now ,” Roy’s voice is shaking and she wants to comfort him.

“No,” her voice is a whisper now, the rasping even makes her cringe.

“Lieutenant I’m not arguing and I’m not asking, take her and don’t leave her side. I’ll come find you when I can.”

“Of course,” Major Armstrong has always been a gentle soul and his voice now conveys such a deep warmth it almost lulls her into the beyond again. “May I carry you, Lieutenant?”

She’s not sure she answers, but she does feel Roy transfer her into a sturdy set of arms.

“I’ll come find you soon, Lieutenant, I promise.” 

She could be hallucinating as she fades away but she’s almost certain she feels his lips against her forehead.

~

In the bleak nothingness she remembers the ever cold touch of her father’s palm on her back. The way he looked at her with calculating eyes, never so much as a spark of fondness hung in those gray blue eyes; he looked at his research with more glee than he ever did at her.

It made her hunger for approval - it made her desperate to be seen.

~

Roy Mustang is a man on a warpath, though the dust has settled and the day has been won he doesn’t care one bit for this victory. Not with the emptiness he feels behind his left shoulder; her ever present figure felt as familiar as his shadow. Now he doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t even really know where to go because the medics don’t know anything. 

There’s so much chaos, so many sirens blaring from all angles as first responders are finally able to reach the compound. It’s not their fault and yet, in Roy’s mind, it is their fault - how the fuck did they misplace his subordinate? How dare they send her away without telling him? He’s scoured the medical camp for her and not a soul knows where she is.

Roy steals a coms device off of one of the Brigs soldiers and demands to be put through to Fuery.

“Colonel Mustang, sir, there’s-”

“Not now!” He barks at the soldier who flinches in response. He waits, clutching the device tighter with each passing second - she could be anywhere and no one else seems to care.

“Sir, is it really you? Is it over?”

The kid sounds terrified and it makes Roy take a slow methodical breath.

“Yes, it’s over.”

“And we’re all still alive, so we did it? We won!?”

“Well… depends on how you define that, Central is under our control.” Roy rubs his eyes. The skin stings to the touch; too many tears shed, it seems.

“Guys we did it! They’ve got Central!” He can hear the raucous cheers from his team but instead of joy it feels like a knife in his gut.

“Sergeant!” he snaps. “I need you to call every fucking hospital in this city and find out where they have Lieutenant Hawkeye, understood?”

Fuery makes a choking sound, “Hawkeye?!? Wh-what happened to Hawkeye?!”

Roy can’t stomach the words so he takes another deep breath, “Please, just find out where they have her and report back as soon as you know.”

“Of course, sir, I’m on it.”

Roy hands back the transponder before stalking off towards the next problem in his path. He knows she’s safe, Major Armstrong is trustworthy, but he needs to see it… needs to see her with his own eyes to be sure she’s going to be okay.

General Armstrong has Grumman on the line; Roy knows they’re talking logistics, wondering who will be the next leader of this country. Roy isn’t certain he can lead this country if Hawkeye’s incapacitated. They promised… have always promised… he can’t let her down.

~

There’s a hole in the basement; father never bothered to fill it up after their desecrated creation arose from it. Spindled limbs and tar-like skin sloughing to the floor in a viscous puddle, Riza can’t remember if she screamed. She does remember the stench of sulfur and rotting flesh sticking to the dress she’d been wearing. 

She remembers the look in its eye, the limp black ichor of its hair, the way its half formed bones creaked and snapped as it attempted to crawl to her. It called her ‘baby’, it said ‘please’ next, then her father’s boot crushed its malleable skull before it could move more than an inch. Then he kept going, rage filling his body as he pummeled the not quite corpse.

She ran upstairs as Berthold howled in grief; he didn’t even come looking for her.

~

Roy knows he should stay at Central Command, he knows that someone has to pick up the pieces and lead this country. He wants more than anything for that person to be him, but something feels wrong about it. Something tells him it’s not his time yet.

Grumman got quiet when Roy told him about Riza’s injury, which basically means the old man is on the edge of a panic attack. General Armstrong is able to leave to receive medical aid and he doesn’t see why he shouldn’t be allowed the same courtesy.

So when he hears where exactly Riza is he goes to her instead of helping clean up the mess he’s made. He just needs to see her, he just needs to know she’s alive and that she’s going to stay that way. He sees Ed in the waiting room, he’s mostly patched up though he still wears his hospital issued clothes.

They make eye contact and Roy stops where he stands, “Fullmetal.”

“Colonel,” Ed stays in his seat, his hand running along the skin of his restored arm. He looks uncomfortable, like if he stops making contact with the appendage it will disappear again.

“Are you… are you going to be staying overnight?” Roy asks.

“Yeah… longer than that depending on Al’s stay… he’s out cold right now…” Ed mutters, looking at the ground.

Roy nods mutely, looking around for some personnel to tell him where Hawkeye is.

“Did you know?” Ed asks.

“Did I know what?”

“About the Lieutenant?” Ed’s hand clutches his arm until his knuckles are white but is still unable to meet the Colonel’s gaze. “Did you know?... Did you do it?”

“No!” Roy snaps as a surge of anger at the accusation fills him up. He takes a moment to pause and shoves the feeling aside before speaking again. “I didn’t know she had… I would have never allowed her to be here today if I knew she’d…”

Ed sniffs harshly and Roy realizes he’s crying, “Who did she try to-... and why?”

“I-... I don’t know.” Roy admits feebly.

“You should know! You’re supposed to know everything about her, you dumbass!” Ed snaps his gaze up at Roy; the image of him with tears and snot dribbling down his face will be burned into Roy’s mind forever.

Roy sits beside the kid and puts a hand on his back. “I should have known… you’re right. I failed her.”

Ed wipes his eyes aggressively, “If they’d known she was-... they wouldn’t have hurt her if they knew.”

“She’ll be okay,” Roy tells him; his voice is soft and hopeful - probably because he has to have hope or it will rip him up inside.

“She will?” Ed asks with a cough.

“Hawkeye is tough, she’s survived… she’s survived terrible things before, she’ll survive this too.”

Ed sniffs aggressively, “Do you… what do you think it took from her?”

Roy hums, looking off into the distance a bit, “I’m not sure.”

“I thought you knew everything about her!” Ed says bitterly.

“I thought so too.”

“So you’re just going to sit there and mope about it!? Go wake her up, idiot! You’re the only one who can!” Ed lets out a sob again and Roy thinks the heightened emotions of the day are finally getting to him. A breakdown is warranted, Roy may even have one of his own if he gets a second alone.

Roy rubs a circle into Ed’s back as he lets out another pathetic, whimpering sob. He’ll go to Riza soon… just as soon as Ed stops needing him.

~

She remembers the feeling of her father’s hand on her cheek, the harsh stinging of her skin pulsing with warmth long after he struck her.

That same feeling returns when she wakes with a jolt; that harsh stinging pain, only this time it’s inside her throat. It’s almost itchy with heat and she’s so uncomfortable she wants to rip at it like an animal bites at an open wound.

“Hawkeye?” The gentle whisper of one Roy Mustang sets her frantic heart to a slower pace.

“R-r-” she tries to clear her throat, but it makes a horrible sound and a sharp pain clutches at her.

“Try not to speak, the doctors said your throat’s inflamed from your injury. Give it a few days.” Both of his hands are squeezing hers, then one of his hands moves to rub her arm soothingly.

She slowly writes out a word on his palm with one finger.

“Hurts? You’re in pain?” Roy asks as he processes it.

She nods, though that too makes the white hot burn in her throat worse.

“I’ll tell a nurse,” he says resolutely. He’s about to leave when she grabs his wrist in protest. He looks down at the limp hold she has on him and sits back down with a chuckle. “Yes ma’am.”

She blinks at him with a small smile, then she notices the weight on her left shoulder. Ed’s cheek is pressed against her and it makes her heart swell with fondness.

“He was worried about you, so is Al, but he’s being kept in intensive care and they don’t allow overnight visitors.” Roy answers all of the questions swirling in her mind. “We were all worried… Riza.”

Her name has always sounded sweet coming off of his lips - now it sounds like a question. She returns her eyes to his and he looks resolutely at her.

“I don’t need you to tell me everything… but I-... I… did he make you do it?” Roy asks.

She takes in a shuddering breath, Roy hears the confirmation in the discomfort of her wavering eye contact.

“Before we met?”

Her brows furrow and her eyes squeeze shut, another yes.

“I’m so sorry,” His words are barely a breath. He’s sorry he didn’t reach her sooner, he’s sorry he couldn’t save her, he’s sorry he didn’t know.

Her hand reaches to thread her fingers into his hair: it’s not your fault.

“I know… it doesn’t keep me from wishing things were different.” He looks away from her with a shameful twist of his head.

She pauses, scratching his scalp with her nails: we all wish things were different.

He looks at her and smiles. It’s not the kind of easy smile he wears most days; this one is only for her in their quietest moments. It says: you’re so beautiful.

Her thumb finds his earlobe and pinches it: I love you.

Ed groans into her shoulder and her hand drops back into his. “Colonel?”

“Yes, Fullmetal?” Roy asks with a sigh.

“You gonna kiss her or what?” Ed gives him a sleepy smirk.

Roy rolls his eyes, “That’s highly inappropriate.”

“I can leave if you want,” Ed yawns.

Riza makes eye contact with Ed and it makes the teen stumble back in surprise, “You’re awake!”

“So you were suggesting I kiss a sleeping woman without her consent?” Roy asks with an accusatory tone.

“It was a joke, Colonel, get your head out of your ass!”

“Shh!” Roy hushes him with a swatted hand, “You’re bothering the Lieutenant.”

Riza can’t laugh, she’s sure it would be excruciating if she did, but she does smile at the two of them.

“Sorry Lieutenant, I’m glad you’re alright.” Ed simmers down at the sight of her. She wonders how terrible she must look to get such a gentle response from him.

She pats his head in response and he blushes in turn.

“Could you go tell the nurse she needs more pain meds?” Roy asks Ed sternly.

Ed rolls his eyes, “You could just ask for some privacy; I’m not stupid, you know. You look at her like she hung the stars.”

“She needs medicine, Major Elric,” he says more sternly this time.

“Fine, I’m going.” Ed rolls his eyes though he does make a point of closing the door on his way out.

Riza gives a huff of a laugh and when she turns to Roy he steals her lips for a proper kiss. Quick and easy just in case someone comes knocking on her door - but effective nonetheless.

“I really thought I lost you,” he mutters weakly.

She pecks his nose with a gentle kiss: I’m still here.

He sniffs sharply, almost as if to swallow his emotions; a sob-like sound falls out of his lips. There are no tears but the crack in his voice makes the guilt migrate from her chest to the pit of her stomach.

“What am I going to do with you?” he asks with a shuddering breath.

She places a hand over his heart: marry me.

He takes her hand and pecks her knuckles, a confirmation. One day, sooner than either of them can imagine, they will marry. Between the two of them, faith is a scarce concept, but for this - for their eventual wedding - they have nothing but blind faith.

“Lieutenant Hawkeye, I’m here to up your dosage,” a nurse knocks at the door. Roy answers and tersely stands aside while the nurse does what she can to ease Riza’s discomfort.

~

It takes a full week of healing for her voice to return; there’s still a dry husky element to it that she can’t quite shake. Ed tells her it makes her sound tough, but Breda reminds him that Hawkeye doesn’t need the help coming off as a bitch. Roy looks like he wants to slap him, Riza laughs instead.

A week and a half into her stay she’s allowed to see Al; she hadn’t remained conscious long enough to see the boy’s body returned to him… seeing him like that - skin and bone and little else - it reminds her of the Ishvalan corpses that littered the ground. Gaunt empty frames that used to hold souls, bodies that were starved instead of slaughtered.

Roy says that Al looks great considering where he started, and Riza feels a roll of her stomach at the thought.

“Are you okay, Lieutenant?” Al asks, his voice wobbly and weak but his smile bright. “Brother kept telling me you were healing well, but you looked pretty bad the last time I saw you.”

“I am, Al, thanks for thinking of me.” She pats his head and he practically melts under her touch.

“You made him feel better, Lieutenant, he was going to pitch a colossal fit if he was the only one with an extended stay,” Ed teases and Al makes a face Riza hadn’t thought him capable of. With a scowl like that the two of them look extremely related.

“Glad I could help,” she chuckles.

“It’s not like that, I promise, Ed’s being a butt,” Al claims.

“I am not! You looked pissed until I told you!” Ed bites back.

She laughs again, though it devolves into a wretched, throaty cough that makes everyone stiffen. Roy’s hand is on her shoulder and Al is doing his best to sit up further in his bed.

“Sorry,” she croaks, rubbing her throat as if that might soothe the ache. “I imagine I sound a bit like Havoc will in a few years if he doesn’t kick his smoking habit.”

Roy snorts, “Maybe if you told him that he would quit.”

She coughs again and Ed is gripping the side of Al’s bed. “Maybe you should get back to bed, Lieutenant.”

She waves a limp hand, “I’m ok, just need to c-catch my breath.”

“You sure?”

“She said she’s fine,” Al says defensively.

“Well, I’m asking again in case the answer changed, what’s wrong with that?” Ed challenges his brother.

“It’s rude!” Al shoots back.

“Boys, settle down,” Roy rolls his eyes.

“He started it,” Al huffs.

“There’s no winning with him, I told you he’s twice as stubborn as me with twice the stamina… well, sort of.” Ed snickers at the face Al makes.

“You two are something else.” Riza composes herself; she hopes they don’t see her wipe her eyes of tears.

“Our mom used to say the same thing,” Ed scoffs.

“It’s a nice way to say we’re being too much,” Al remembers fondly.

“Mothers have that way about them,” Riza agrees with a nod.

Roy tries not to grimace when Al asks, “Is your mother like that? I can’t imagine you giving her trouble.”

“My mother is long gone, but from what I remember about her… she was gentle.” Riza decides as a sufficient answer.

“I didn’t know, I’m sorry,” Al responds, an automatic response to someone’s grief.

“Don’t be, it was a long time ago.” She folds her hands into her lap.

“Was your father around?” Ed asks. In any other context it would be an inappropriate question… but she knows these kids are seeing her in a different light for perhaps the first time.

“In a way. He was alive longer than her, but he was too focused on his work for us to be close.”

“Oh yeah? Was he a soldier too?” Ed asks.

“He was an alchemist.”

Silence, the kind of silence that makes even the smallest buzzing of machines sound like a cacophony of noise.

“Really?” Al asks breathlessly.

Riza nods wordlessly.

“I didn’t want to say anything… but… but you were with us under there… which means…”

“You’re right, we were all there,” Riza agrees.

“So you’ve seen the truth too,” Ed says as if it will make the concept more tangible.

“Yes.”

Another pause; Ed and Al share a glance.

“Was it for her? Was it for your mother?” Al asks weakly.

“Yes.”

Roy’s hand feels like a tether keeping her anchored to this world - it always has.

“What… did it take from you?” Ed spits out the question they’ve all been holding onto for weeks.

Riza smiles at him, “What you gave it willingly.”

There’s a moment where the three men around her process what that could mean. Then it hits them; Al gasps as Ed jumps to his feet.

“Your alchemy? It took your alchemy?!”

She glances at the floor, unable to confirm verbally. The wash of shame floods her senses at their reactions.

“I didn’t… I didn’t think it could do that!” Al lifts one frail hand to his lips

“I wasn’t alone, it wasn’t even my idea… my father decided it was the only way and enlisted my help,” Riza admits with a rough swallow.

“Your father made you help him?” Al asks, the idea is so preposterous to him he can’t seem to grasp it.

“He did,” she says as Roy squeezes her shoulder. He knows how wicked Berthold could be, but even he couldn’t fathom her father forcing such a horror.

“So your father made you commit the ultimate sin and then he what? Died? What was his punishment?” Ed asks, he looks angry, angrier than she had expected.

“Me,” Riza says without hesitation and the words sting in her throat as much as they do in the ears of those beside her.

“What do you mean?” Ed asks again.

“The worst thing a mad man can lose is his legacy. I have been a punishment to my father since the day I was born.” Riza says it so quickly they all have to face the fact that she has been sitting with this specific thought for decades.

“I don’t believe it,” Ed falls back in his seat.

“You were his punishment… you suffered for the both of you?” Al asks, well and truly horrified.

Riza forces a smile, “I always did, always have.”

“Wait, does that mean you were an alchemist before? How old were you?” Ed comes to attention again as he thinks it through.

“I was about your age when you-” she stops herself from concluding that thought. Roy stiffens beside her as he realizes how quickly after that horror he would show up on her doorstep. He would spend the next decade wondering why his master’s daughter had been so frigid at first when she was so lovely and kind beneath it all.

“I’m sorry, Lieutenant… that’s… it’s a horrible thing,” Al says.

“Yeah, and your dad’s a dick,” Ed proclaims.

“Ed! Don’t say that!” Al balks at him.

“What? It’s true!” Ed claims.

Riza’s skin itches watching the boys fight; it makes her feel like they’re seeing a long untouched part of her. Like a scab picked raw with fresh skin still pink and unprepared to face the world. Suddenly she can hear her father screaming at her in the back of her head- stupid girl; couldn’t have made this worse; couldn’t be worse; never tell a soul what you’ve seen; disgrace; useless; worthless; wasted resources-

Roy’s hand cradles the back of her neck, his thumb caressing the crux of her skull, a reminder: I’m here for you. Her father may have taken her gifts but she took his legacy - she took his apprentice too.

“Would you two quit bickering!” Roy snaps at the teens.

“Well it’s bullshit and her dad can rot in hell for doing that to her and I’m not sorry! Lieutenant, you deserved better!” Ed huffs.

“I mean you’re right but it’s rude to say it!” Al fires back.

“I said knock it off!” Roy growls.

Riza laughs at the display, unable to keep it in anymore. They’re cute kids - all three of them.

“You would have been a great alchemist if you’d had the chance,” Ed says solemnly. “Even better than Colonel Jackass over here.”

“General Jackass to you,” Roy rolls his eyes.

“I’m not even in the military anymore, who cares!?”

“You’re still in the military until your discharge is filed, runt!”

Riza looks at Al, who is now also snickering. “I can’t tell who’s hands are fuller, mine or yours.”

“Yours by a long shot,” Al chuckles. “Please calm down, Brother, you’ll get thrown out of the hospital again if you keep yelling!”

“I don’t care! I just fought god, maybe I’ll kick around Mr. Hawkeye’s corpse while I’m at it!”

“What is wrong with you!?” Al balks at him.

“We should leave before this gets uglier,” Roy nudges Riza.

She nods, allowing him to wheel her out of the room while the boys get lost in their bickering. The staff look appalled at the noise; Riza and Roy are just glad they can hear laughing in the distance.

Roy helps her back into bed; she doesn’t need the help, but she does crave his touch. Besides, he likes to feel useful, especially in regards to her. He guides her legs back into bed while she pulls up the shoulder of her cardigan.

“You should get going,” she says.

“Right, I have your father’s corpse to exhume before Edward beats me to the punch,” he teases.

She rolls her eyes, “Luckily he doesn’t know where it is.”

Roy nods, then he casts a glance towards the door. “I wish I’d known.”

“I would have gone to my grave with it.” She is resolute in her assertion.

“You almost made it to your grave… sorry,” he grimaces at the severity of his words.

“No… you’re right,” she looks away from his eyes. “I was careless… I knew… I knew the sacrifices were sinners like me, but I thought I’d kept it so close to my chest Father wouldn’t have known.”

Roy understands, even if he doesn’t like it. “I’m not your replacement, Riza.”

His hand cups her chin and tilts it towards his gaze. 

She nods, “I know. You were meant to be his so I stole you and made you mine.”

“I was always yours.”

“And you always will be.”

“In sickness and in health,” he chuckles, running his knuckles along the bandage of her throat.

“And even in death I’ll follow you.” She looks for permission and when it’s granted with a little nod she takes his hand and kisses it.

“You would have made a better alchemist than me, that’s a fact.”

“I would trade alchemy in every lifetime for a chance to meet you.”

He’s got that look in his eyes again: I will give you the whole world over.

She bows her head just slightly: don’t make me carry it alone.

He kisses her forehead: you’re my family, I love you.

She smiles a bit, eyes stinging with tears as she looks up at him. “I’d like to say it one day.”

“You could say it now.”

They both know they can’t, they both know they shouldn’t , but she does - and she doesn’t regret it.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”