Archive of Our Own

“You've got to be joking.”

“On the contrary my dear Matthew, I am being deadass serious,” Taerae says over the phone. “You've been nominated for best actor.”

Matthew chokes on his pancakes before he manages to form a proper sentence. He's in utter disbelief as he takes a deep breath and asks, “At the Golden Globes?”

“Golden Globes baby!” Taerae’s excited laughter echoes through the phone’s speakers. “Get ready Matthew, because all this campaigning is about to pay off, I'm sure of it.”

Matthew’s heart picks up as he tries to take it all in. “What about Hanbin?” He asks.

He hears Taerae take a breath, silence follows for a few seconds before he says it. “Nominated for best supporting actor.”

Matthew’s heart is at his throat and he jumps out of his chair in excitement. “Taerae-yah, this can't be real. Are you serious? Does Hanbin know?”

“Do I know what?” 

A voice startles Matthew out of his temporary euphoria as he turns around to face a sleepy Sung Hanbin with rosy cheeks, disheveled black hair and blue striped pajamas that matches Matthew’s own, only with pink instead of blue. He is so disgustingly cute it has Matthew visibly cooing and kissing at his face. “Taerae-yah, I'll call you later okay? Me and Hanbin need to get ready.”

Of course that's just an excuse for Matthew to spend time alone with his boyfriend, but he loved playing with his manager. He knew Taerae didn't mind it anyway, not when he was just as fruity as the rest of them.

“Matthew, what were you talking about with Taerae?” Hanbin asks with a yawn before sitting at the dinner table for breakfast. Not to flex or anything, but Matthew is proud of his pancakes—home cooked, 100% organic, from his mom’s recipe. Simply delicious.

The blonde male looks at Hanbin fondly with a smile. The sun illuminates his face from behind, making him look like an angelic being sitting in front of him. “Guess what, hyung?”

“Mmm?” Is Hanbin’s response as he bites into a piece of pancake.

“We're officially Golden Globes nominees.”

Hanbin freezes and nearly chokes like Matthew did when Taerae told him the news. Matthew can't help but think about how they truly are like soulmates. “You're kidding.”

“I know it sounds crazy but I'm not. Taerae told me to check the news if I still didn't believe him.” He chuckles, taking a sip of his coffee. “I'm surprised Dayeon hasn't already texted you about it; she must be losing her mind.”

“She's not as punctual as Taerae is with that stuff. You know this.” Hanbin takes a hold of Matthew's hand. He blushes. “I’m proud of you though, so proud. I told you your talent would get recognized eventually, didn't I?”

Matthew brings Hanbin’s hand to his lips and kisses it with love that is only theirs to share. “You did tell me something like that, once upon a time.” He laughs again, and this time it's a wide, open- mouthed smile. Everyone loved Matthew's sunshine smile, the fans, the media, and of course Hanbin did as well. It was one of the very first things he loved most about Matthew before dating. The way his mouth just stretches and the cutest giggles come out of him while that radiant beaming smile lights up an entire room always had Hanbin completely lovestruck. 

This time was no exception either. A delighted smile of his own matches Matthew's perfectly until a text message makes them burst out of their personal love bubble. Matthew opens his messages and his eyes go wide.

Hanbin blinks, worry evident on his face. “What is it?”

Matthew finds himself in utter disbelief once more. “They want me to go to Sakura’s Late Night Show.”

Hanbin joins Matthew in complete stupefaction. “You mean like- the Sakura? Miyawaki Sakura?’

Matthew can only nod in response. His eyes reread the message from Taerae over and over.

Hanbin laughs softly in surprise. “Holy shit, look at you, sunshine.” He glosses over him with stars in his eyes. Matthew thinks it's a beautiful sky to gaze at. “I- Hanbin, I'm going on it alone. You know I don't do that well with important interviews on my own. I'm still getting used to all of this!”

“Matthew, you can act like the cockiest asshole in Hollywood and you're still scared of an interview?” Hanbin teases, side-eyeing his boyfriend dangerously. “Come on, you just need to be confident! Try not to show you're nervous, and even if you are, I'm sure Sakura will understand! She was just like us both when she started out being a late night show host, you know?”

“She's so perfect and professional it's hard to imagine it.” Matthew shrugs.

Hanbin giggles and pats Matthew. “Just follow along to what she says and you'll be fine, you silly bee.” A thumb gently rubs Matthew's palm. “Again, didn't I tell you you were going to be a star one day?”

And Matthew knew that was the only truth he wanted to hear. “You did, and we did become that. Both of us.”

“Now's your time to shine, my love.” Matthew is kissed by Hanbin and he wishes he'd do it again a hundred more times. 

☼✧☾ ⋆

“Our next guest tonight is the hottest rising star on the planet right now. He's been nominated for a Golden Globe and his movie, ‘Say My Name’, is in theaters right now. Please welcome Hollywood’s latest heartthrob, Seok Matthew!” 

Matthew doesn't think he will ever get used to this; to the spotlight shining onto him, to the screams and cheers of people supporting him, to cameras pointing their lenses at his face to later publish it in the biggest magazines in the country. To Sakura clapping and smiling as he approaches the seat he's seen hundreds of people sit on, and now it’s his turn.

He doesn't know how to describe this feeling, but it feels so nice, like his own personal space on a utopia belonging only to him and sharing it with Hanbin. 

He looks around the studio in disbelief before shaking Sakura’s hand and sitting down with the biggest smile on his face. The leather jacket on him feels lighter than ever. The claps for him die down and he's able to float back down from the clouds and focus on Sakura already talking to him.

“Welcome, Matthew. It's an honor to have you with us here tonight.” Sakura greets with a warm smile and her hands crossed resting on the table, showing refined composure.

Matthew bows slightly. “It's an honor for me, thank you for wanting me to come here. I'm a huge fan of yours, Sakura-chan.” He jokes cutely, and realizing his words proceeds to hide his face from embarrassment. He hears Sakura laugh cutely at him.

Off to a great start, Matthew.

“Don't worry Matthew, we're all laughing with you.” The audience agrees with a few cheers. Matthew will never understand how Sakura is able to take control of an audience so easily. Maybe that's why she's the first and only woman running her own late night show, breaking gender stereotypes even when it comes to the way she dresses herself. Never undressed, the black suit was always an elegant touch that complimented her charisma perfectly.

“In case people don't know, you have just been nominated for a Golden Globe award literally this morning.” More cheers echo in his ears. Matthew flashes a grateful smile and puts a hand in his heart. “It's a pretty insane feat if you ask me, I mean it's your first big break after starring in smaller indie movies and now here you are, nominated in the best actor category with fellow newcomer actors competing against Zhang Hao.” He smiles wider at the mention of Hollywood's greatest personified magnum opus. “How does all of this feel to you?” 

Matthew's mouth hangs open, unable to formulate an answer, because how do you answer a question containing your name and Zhang Hao’s in the same sentence? 

Zhang Hao, 24, from China, came to Hollywood with big dreams and no money and somehow luck was by his side all the way. At just 18, he was already one of the most popular actors in the industry, at 20 he got his first big nomination and smashed the competition. He might do it again this year.

At 22, he became Matthew's role model and reason for him to become an actor.

To even have to process the fact that he's now sharing a seat next to Hao in the hall of fame, sharing a nomination with him, how is one supposed to handle that?

“It's… surreal, to be honest.” Matthew tries not to let his nervousness show, feigning coolness. “I never thought I'd get here at all, after all I was just a relatively unknown actor doing low-budget independent films for a living.” That coolness soon vanishes as he starts gesticulating with his hands, bewildered about everything that's happened in the last 12 hours. “And now here I am, somehow, talking to Miyawaki Sakura and being able to brag about the fact I'm sharing a nomination with Zhang freaking Hao.” 

The illuminated audience in the studio laugh and clap and Matthew needs to remind himself that they're not laughing at him.

Sakura very much finds Matthew cute and charismatic. “It must feel kind of insane, right? I would be feeling the same if I were in your shoes.” Matthew leans back comfortably in his seat and that's when his eyes notice the lack of cue cards in Sakura's hands; in fact there is nothing at the table except a mug with hot coffee and a few handwritten notes Sakura probably needed to keep tabs on.

Matthew didn't think people saying that speaking with Sakura feels like talking with a friend you've never met before would actually be correct. Everything is unfiltered, completely natural. She's a professional and yet feels like a friend to everyone who visits her show.

Matthew can now feel the same.

She asks another question and Matthew barely misses what she's talking about, his mind suddenly on Hanbin. Was he watching him? Was he proud of him for being on his own? Was he cheering just as loudly as the audience in hopes that his voice would travel into the studio so Matthew could know he was there, supporting him all the way?

Sakura asks, collected as always, “Your latest movie, ‘Say My Name’, where you were nominated in, has also been nominated in multiple other categories, but a lot of your fans have tweeted that your co-star, Kim Jiwoong was snubbed in the supporting actor category.” Matthew nods. He can already tell where this is going. “Instead Han Yujin, who plays your younger brother in the film, got it over Jiwoong. Do you feel that was a fair decision on the voting body’s part?”

Matthew thinks, really thinks about it, the camera focused on him. Everyone is silent until he speaks with carefully chosen words and a milky voice with a soothing tone. 

“Well, everyone will always have their own complaints about something and their own opinions about something. I really appreciate everyone for acknowledging Jiwoong hyung’s hard work in the movie and I'm happy to see him getting so much love, but a nomination is just a nomination in the end. It's an incredible achievement for your career of course, but what matters in the end is the result of your hard work once the movie is finally done. I'd like it if no one attacked Yujin after the amazing work he's done. He's only 17 but has a bright future ahead of him, and I hope everyone will continue to cheer for him.”

Matthew fears it may have sounded like a motivational speech or a transcript off a typical Twitter fan account he had to memorize because the character limit was too small to fit all of that in. He can't guarantee haters won’t come for him, because yes, now that he's famous he'll have tons of haters, but he hoped the message was loud and clear to everyone watching the interview. 

“That's a great answer Matthew, and don't worry, we'll be supporting Yujin’s future endeavors as well.”

Time eventually becomes a blur. Sakura asks Matthew a few more questions about the film, the crew and the making process before she announces they're out of time. There hadn't been a single mention of Hanbin anywhere, but why would there be? Their relationship has been kept secret for 2 years, both too afraid of what people might think after reaching the peak of their careers. They could deal with homophobes, but if the press found out about it, how scandalous would that be? Even if their fans supported them, who else would support their career after that?

Which is why Matthew is disappointed, just slightly, that Jiwoong was mentioned multiple times, but he knows Sakura was just doing her job and doesn't know about Matthew's love life (funny enough, everyone thinks he's straight and single.) Either way tonight he's going back home to his shared apartment with Hanbin and he cannot wait for the oncoming cuddles and kisses.

He thanks Sakura for inviting him once again before he's escorted out of the studio.

The blonde rests his head against the window of the limousine, watching the LA city lights flash before him. Taerae falls asleep with his head resting on his shoulder.

The Golden Globes are next month. Incoming nominations await him and Hanbin next week, and while he's not completely hopeless, Matthew wishes that he and Hanbin get more nominations in an award season that seems to be Zhang Hao’s for the taking.

He's not that desperate but he wonders what it must feel like to win an award like that.

Before he closes his eyes, Matthew wishes for a chance to win just one time. If he can't win, then let Hanbin win instead.

Next month. He's anxious and jittery and excited at the same time.

Even if he doesn't win anything, he hopes the incoming disappointment won't be as bad as he thinks.

☼✧☾ ⋆

Turns out, Matthew wasn't prepared for the huge disappointment that would come with losing the award to Zhang Hao.

It comes out of the blue, unexpected, manifesting itself slowly until said disappointment bursts open all over his body. He watches Zhang Hao make it to the stage, how he hugs and thanks Choi Yujin for the award and holds it proudly in his hand, and while Matthew claps with Hanbin next to him, he can't help but itching to hold that golden bathed award in his hands instead.

Matthew thinks this feeling will be a one time thing, that he'll get over it the next day because deep down, he is happy for Hao. He's the reason he wanted to be here and make a name for himself in the first place. He needs to accept it and come to terms with the fact he won't be able to win something he desires with all his heart. Not when Zhang Hao is gonna steal it from him.

Was stealing even the right word? He didn't do anything wrong, that's just a display of his immeasurable and how much he actually deserves it. Matthew was still no one compared to him.

Even Hanbin, who won for his supporting role, was happy for Hao in the end, so why couldn't Matthew be as well?

He'd been happier about Hanbin winning than anything else that night.

The feeling of defeat doesn't stop there. Weeks after weeks, as more award shows happen (Matthew thinks it's an honor to be nominated everywhere) he watches himself from a window in his mind slowly crumble into someone he doesn't recognize. Soon that simple disappointment turns into something more, something worse than what just used to be a failure on his part. With every week of award shows came a new emotion blooming in his chest.

Disappointment. Denial. Sadness. Anger. Anxiety.

And eventually, the thorns blossoming in his heart pierce through him and make him reach his breaking point.

☼✧☾ ⋆

Hanbin can't find him anywhere in the hotel they're staying at until he encounters Dayeon outside their room. She looks just as worried as him. “He won't open the door at all.” She sighs. “Taerae told me he's locked himself inside since you both got here. How did you not notice something was wrong with him?”

Hanbin flinches at her unintentional angry tone. Dayeon always had a sharp tongue, even in stressful situations. “I thought he was tired at first, but for weeks he's been acting strange. I should have realized something wasn't right earlier.”

His manager bites her tongue and nods. She steps aside and pats Hanbin. “Try and talk to him, you know he'll listen to you.”

Hanbin nods back. He takes out the key card, puts it near the screen next to the door and with a soft “click”, it opens. “Thank God we both got our own keys, right?” Smiling at Dayeon, he shuffles inside the room and his eyes immediately land on a lump covered in white blankets. He lets Dayeon close the door without a word and Hanbin doesn't waste a second going to Matthew’s body underneath the sheets. 

Carefully, he removes them and gazes upon the love of his life in a way he's never seen him before; completely helpless, his pretty eyes filled with tears that fall onto the bed at an irregular pace, and when Matthew looks at him, Hanbin’s heart shatters little by little. Matthew has always looked pretty, even when he was sad and crying on his shoulder, Hanbin was always there for him. 

But he's never seen his angel so sad. His tears almost sparkle under the moon’s gaze and his blonde hair glows like the brightest sunflower in Hanbin’s garden. Matthew is such an angel he doesn't deserve, and he can't stand to see him sad. His brown, bloodshot eyes tell Hanbin he's been trying to cry himself to sleep.

Hanbin holds Matthew's face gently, rubbing away stray tears from his cheeks. “Oh, my sweet angel. What's gotten you crying so much?” He is gentle in the way he talks, wanting to let Matthew know he's always there for him and wants to help him.

Matthew can only shake his head. His face scrunches into a heartbreaking sob and he throws his hands down in exasperation. “I'm… I'm not good enough, Hanbin. For anything.” He chokes out another sob. “I know this is just the start of my career but- for once I thought… I thought that my hard work would be recognized. It's not Hao hyung’s fault and he deserves it but… somehow, why, why can't I get rid of this feeling in my chest? Why am I still not good enough?” He shakes under Hanbin’s hold. 

“Is it selfish of me to wish that award was mine? How is it okay for me to be jealous of someone I've looked up to all my life? Every time he kept winning over me, I just felt… so envious and each day I grew more and more desperate. It's like I fell into a downward spiral and now I'm just- here, existing, crying because I'm so worthless.”

Hanbin merely shakes his head, wondering how Matthew could even be thinking about this stuff. He keeps holding his face and gently caresses it this time. He plants kisses on his head, his forehead, his cheeks, his lips. Everywhere and anywhere. He doesn't stop until he is tasting his pretty lips again, their bodies impossibly close, until Hanbin draws a breath that reaches Matthew like a comforting hug.

“Baby,” he starts, his eyes open, admiring Matthew for who he is. His everything, his reason to live. He is so completely enamored by this tiny particle of the sun itself that he knows exactly what to say to him. “Listen to me, Matthew. Look at me.”

Matthew obeys, looking at him with a slight frown on his face. He looks worried that Hanbin might be angry at him.

“You are so beautiful, so wonderful and so amazing. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, my little sunshine that's given me a reason to be happy every day. You see my tattoo here, right?” He points to his collarbone, v-line shirt showing a star, the sun and the moon tattooed near his heart. Matthew nods, finally managing to smile a little. 

“Do you remember what it means? I got it because of you, because you're my reason, my star, my sun and my moon.” He holds his hands. “Do you also know what you are? You are you, with your own personality, your own hobbies, your own cute little habits and your love for what you do. What you do is your passion, and your talent is completely unmatched, out of this world. You're amazing, Seok Matthew.”

Joy slowly begins to show on Matthew's face. It spreads to his lips forming a small smile and to his teary eyes. Hanbin grins and hums happily. “I don't care about what awards I might win, what awards you might win or might not win. When I was up there accepting all those awards? I didn't care about them, my thoughts only full of you because I know you were happy for me. Even if I didn't win, I'd be happy because you would still be proud of me.”

“And just like you would be proud of me no matter what, I'm proud of you too. I don't care that you haven't won anything this award season. Your talent got recognized, angel, and you can't say Zhang Hao hyung doesn't deserve it either. He's the reason the two of us are here in the first place, and we should feel happy for him. I know that it will still hurt in the end, but not winning something isn't the end of the world, the voters nominated you everywhere. That's something not a lot of newbie actors can achieve so easily, so how can you not feel proud of what you've achieved already?”

He kisses his hands slowly. “So do you still feel worthless or not good enough? So many people love you and your movies, Matthew, and in the end that's the only thing that should matter.”

The blonde male chuckles. He wipes his wet cheeks clean and sniffs as he stares at the beautiful face of Sung Hanbin in front of him. “You… are such a charmer, did you know that?” 

It doesn't take long for both of them to dissolve into a mess of giggles as they let their bodies fall on a soft mattress, staring at each other longingly in a way that was truly, unmistakably them.

“Thank you, Hanbin. I can't express how lucky I am to have you.” Their legs tangle with one another as he sighs, smile faltering slightly. “It’s odd, I never thought I'd feel this way over a silly award. I know I have tons of support in my fans, family and you, but it was such a constant reminder with every show that it got so bad I didn't know what else to do but fall into self deprecation. I thought it would make me feel better, and I'm sorry.”

His boyfriend shakes his head once more, black strands of hair falling over his eyes like a curtain. “As long as you always keep some confidence and gratitude in your heart, everything will be okay. You weren't selfish, Matthew. It's alright.”

Both of them throw the mattress up to their neck. “The BAFTAs are in 2 days, our flight to London is tomorrow. Are you ready to bag yet another trophy?” Matthew asks, laughing earnestly.

“Absolutely.” Hanbin replies. “Ready to lose another trophy to Hao?” 

Matthew’s eyes twinkle with mischief. For once, he's not upset thinking about it. “I wouldn't want to lose to anyone else.”

☼✧☾ ⋆

It's at the BAFTAs afterparty where Hanbin experiences his first serious bout of jealousy.

It happens as he leaves the bathroom and walks through finely dressed celebrities when he sees them both; they're at the bar, drinking some margaritas together and Hanbin can only see the back of their heads, but the way Matthew laughs at Jiwoong’s jokes and how Jiwoong keeps looking at him like he's still on set filming for Say My Name has Hanbin’s body burning up.

He's never been the jealous type. Not even when Matthew shamelessly professes his love for SEVENTEEN's Wonwoo and turns into a fanboying mess around him. Not even when Matthew had to pretend to fuck Kim Gyuvin onscreen for ‘Love Killa’ back then (and then having to apologize to supermodel Ricky for doing that to his boyfriend for a film.) In fact, Hanbin and Ricky had become good friends after Matthew had gone to Ricky to apologize and promise to take care of Gyuvin before filming began. Thankfully, the scene was shot tastefully, (but he and Ricky did exchange amused glances as they watched their boyfriends on the silver screen).

Now he's puffing his chest, getting red in the face as raging jealousy gets the better of him. He can only watch as Jiwoong and Matthew talk and laugh, seemingly clueless to the rest of the world around them. It is only when Jiwoong notices another man in the crowd and leaves Matthew alone that Hanbin is able to calm down. He goes to Matthew, acts like nothing's wrong and then they're going back to the hotel.

He's unable to focus on the beautiful London scenery as they make it to the hotel, walking past swarming paparazzi with flashing cameras. It is then he realizes he's acting like Matthew that night he was upset with himself.

Perhaps they really are soulmates, even when feeling like shit.

Except Matthew is quick to pick up on how Hanbin is feeling. As soon as they close their hotel room door and Matthew leaves their bags on the floor, Hanbin goes to the bathroom to wash his face. Matthew knows just by the way he's slightly slouching and how touch aversive he is tonight that something is wrong.

“Hanbin hyung, are you going to tell me what's wrong now?”

When Matthew says “Hanbin hyung”, it means business.

Hanbin tries to brush it off with a vague response. “Nothing's wrong.” He dries his face with a towel and runs his hands through his hair.

Matthew knows something's eating at him and he's not going to stop. Hanbin is never this angry, and Matthew is never this serious.

Hanbin starts to shake, clenching and unclenching his jaw with hesitation. He doesn't usually get angry, but when he does, he's the scary type that would punch someone in the face out of instinct. He'd do that to anyone, doesn't matter who it was.

But not Matthew. He could never hurt his angel. He looks at those brown eyes and Hanbin takes a deep breath, hard features relaxing until he's able to feel himself breathe again.

“I— when I left the bathroom during the afterparty, I saw you with Jiwoong.” He starts, now looking away from Matthew. “I thought I wouldn't get this jealous over someone. I know you're both friends, but the way he was looking at you before he left…. It reminded me of how he was with you in the film after confessing his love to your character. I just couldn't help but think—”

A sob chokes out of his throat and before he knows it, Hanbin is crying. “I don't want anyone taking you away from me.” He hugs Matthew close with broken sobs and resting his head on top of his own. “I don't want to feel like I'm not good enough for you, and I'm sorry for even getting jealous of him in the first place.” 

Matthew doesn't say a word; he doesn't need to. This sentiment brings about deja vu though, and it's funny to him. A few weeks back Hanbin was the one comforting him for dark thoughts he's had and now the roles have switched, Matthew being the one chosen to deal with Hanbin’s jealousy and remind him how he's the love of his life.

“Hanbin hyung,” He starts after a few minutes in silence. “Why would you think Jiwoong has a crush on me? He has a boyfriend!” His whole body shakes as he laughs a little, and when he spots Hanbin’s shocked face, he kisses it. “He left to go see his boyfriend and walk him home. They've been dating longer than us!”

The raven haired male blinks. “They have?”

“Mhm, so, tell me, why would Jiwoong want to take me away from you when he has his own other half already?”

Hanbin does think Matthew has a point. He guides Matthew to their bed, and now, he's the one wiping away his tears. “Isn't it funny how the tables have turned for us?” He laughs, whisker dimples on full display for Matthew to gush over.

“Happiness looks good on you.” Matthew flashes his own smile and he can tell Hanbin feels lighter and happier now, the wave of jealousy quickly disappearing from his body. He asks for cuddles in bed, signifying how tired he really is.

“I can't believe how fast I got over this.” Another chuckle. “I guess my love for you is really that strong.”

“Maybe reminding you that Jiwoong hyung has a boyfriend and then giving you some cuddles before bed is enough for it to go away.” Matthew teases, Hanbin playfully punches his arm and he waits for Matthew to change before getting in bed together. They face each other and Hanbin holds his face. He confesses for maybe the millionth time, but it feels just as impactful as the first time. “I love you, Seok Matthew.” 

Matthew reciprocates all of it back, without pause. “I love you too, Sung Hanbin.”

Some time passes with the couple kissing each other silly, until they're tired enough to finally pass into blissful sleep when Matthew comes up with what is probably his most insane idea yet.

“Hyung, I've been thinking about this for a few days now, but what if…" 

Matthew stops, hesitating for a while. He sits up on his elbows, resting his chin on top of it.

“What if we come out?”

Hanbin blinks. 

“Say what?”

Matthew nods, biting his lip, and he barely realizes he’s trembling when Hanbin pulls him into a comforting embrace. There’s no taking it back from here.

“It's been two years of us being afraid of what others might think, but now that our careers have skyrocketed, it will be harder for us to not be obvious in public. So what if we just do it? Like fuck it, we'll get hated on, and there's a chance we might never recover from this, but why not?” 

Hanbin hears the determination in his tone and smiles. “You crazy Canadian man.” It coaxes a laugh out of Matthew.

In all the years they've known each other, Hanbin makes a face Matthew has never seen before. He can't figure out what the frown on Hanbin’s face is supposed to mean. 

“Okay, let's do it then, whatever the cost.” His response comes after a while and his face relaxes.

They both smile and Hanbin caresses Matthew's hand before posing another question. “But where and how do we do it?”

Matthew smiles, feeling a lot braver now that Hanbin has agreed. “I’ve got a few ideas.”

☼✧☾ ⋆

“Oh my God. Hyung.” Matthew presses his hands to the black tinted window of the limousine. “Hyung, hyung. Wonwoo from SEVENTEEN is literally right there. Oh my fucking God.”

A bunch of unexplained noises leave his mouth as Jiwoong next to him has to try his hardest not to laugh. His black suit contrasted pretty well with Matthew’s angelic white fit, making them look like the perfect image of the yin and yang together.

Matthew hasn't even set foot on the red carpet and he's already fanboying over his biggest celebrity crush. 

“Is this a dream? It feels like a dream. Jiwoong hyung, please pinch me right now.” He swats his left hand at the older man and Jiwoong complies, giving him a tiny pinch on the shoulder.

“See Matthew-ah, you're not dreaming.” He says while Matthew stays completely starstruck at the amount of big name celebrities gathering at the red carpet for photos and interviews.

“Listen up, you two,” Taerae speaks up on the passenger’s seat as paparazzi already gather on the side of the limousine. Matthew gets blinded by the flashing lights and looks away from them. “You're going to come out together until it's photo time, then you can walk around all you like until it's time to enter the theater, okay? Matthew, once you're done with taking photos and talking to Yeosang, I promise you can go see Hanbin.”

Matthew whips his head so fast he gets a headache. “Wait, Kang Yeosang is interviewing us??” he asks incredulously.

Taerae smiles, dimples on display. “You bet. I made it happen, you're welcome.”

Kang Yeosang is one of the most famous news anchors in the country, and he's made it to the biggest movie event of the year.

The Oscars.

Where Hanbin and Matthew are both nominated.

The blonde can't believe all of this is happening to him. “Thank you, hyung.” 

Soon he gets out to the sound of cameras shutting and people asking for photos with Jiwoong next to him, and in a complete state of bewilderment he can't quite get rid of, he keeps thinking about how this is a dream come true.

“I am here with the one and only Seok Matthew!” Yeosang announces, turning to the blonde and cheering for his arrival. Matthew does some small cheering on his part too. “First time Oscar nominee for his movie ‘Say My Name’, and can I just say you look amazing? I mean the exposed forehead, the blonde hair, and the all white? Have people already told you you look like an angel?”

Matthew laughs. His stylist Hongjoong decided it would be nice if his blonde hair was parted and slicked back for once. He said it would give him some sexiness while still retaining some innocence in the purity of white, or some shit like that. 

He really did a good job with his look overall, and Matthew mentions it when he's asked about it.

He knows they're on very limited time, so Yeosang flies through all the questions he can think of about his film, his relationship with Jiwoong and how it's changed since being co-leads, his biggest celebrity crush (giving him reason to fanboy over Wonwoo on live TV), and even mentioning Hanbin’s work with Zhang Hao in their movie. Matthew smiles and doesn't forget to mention how proud he is of him.

“You're a first-time nominee, like I mentioned earlier, but you're not the only one. Fellow nominees Park Sungho and Kevin Moon are also getting recognized in the category for the first time. I heard you and Kevin are pretty close friends, are you proud of him?”

Kevin is Matthew's childhood friend, both having grown up in the suburbs of Vancouver.

“I'm extremely proud of Kevin,” he says happily. “You know, we grew up together in the same town, went to the same school. He was my only real friend for the longest time, and when we both expressed the same desire to be actors, we would always hype each other up about how we could really make it into Hollywood if we worked hard enough. And, well, here we are now. I'm glad the voters recognized his incredible work in ‘Reveal’ when no one else would. It’s an honor to share the same category as him.”

Yeosang coos. “That's really sweet, Matthew. Last question before I have to let you go, Zhang Hao is first in the odds to win the award for best actor, many are saying it's his time to get it after being nominated three times. But of course you're very strong competition, and we could be seeing an upset win. If you do get the Oscar for best actor, do you have a speech prepared?”

Matthew does think about it for a while. “Honestly, I'm not sure what I'd say if I win it, but I did plan something special to say at the very end. It's a secret though, and if I win, you'll get to hear it right on the stage.”

“I'm looking forward to that now,” Yeosang comments before turning to the camera recording them. “Seok Matthew, everyone! I wish you the best of luck tonight.”

Thank you, because I'm going to need it. Is what Matthew thinks before going around the red carpet in search of a certain man with hamster cheeks and chocolate brown eyes that Matthew always gets lost in.

☼✧☾ ⋆

The theater is grand and imposing as soon as Matthew finds his seat next to Jiwoong and his entire team. Different cast and crew from all the movies nominated were sitting together, so Matthew is not with Hanbin, not even a few rows ahead. He's to his left, in the aisle separating both rows of seats going up and down. He is right on the bottom row on Matthew’s left, his red suit standing out against monotone colors. He is the color of the love Matthew holds for him. 

Matthew thinks he's beautiful.

He's nervous but excited to see where everything goes tonight. The first awards are the supporting acting awards, so Matthew is ready to cheer for Hanbin once he wins.

After the opening number and lighthearted jokes, it's time for Hanbin to go on stage. His face lights up when he's announced as the winner and Matthew is the first one to stand on his feet and clap loudly for him. He sees Hanbin hug Hao and the rest of the crew, their friend Gunwook, and then he's on stage shining like he's never done before. The blonde watches with proud, teary eyes as he cutely does his speech in English. His accent was cute.

“Thank you to my entire team, my manager Kim Dayeon and her countless days and nights dealing with me, to my family, my friends and Matthew who's also here and has been my biggest supporter since day one.” 

Hanbin’s gaze lands on Matthew and it's like his crying button is suddenly activated when he looks at him, holding the award in both of his hands. He chokes out a laugh and tries not to sob. “I did it.” He says to him and only him, and yet the world hears him say it, but only Matthew is able to understand what that sentence truly means.

After Hanbin’s speech the rest of the night passes by in a blur and before he knows it, they're already on the third break of the night. The show is about to end with only three awards remaining. 

Matthew takes the time to go over to Hanbin and hug him tightly before he has to go backstage to present the award. Matthew silently congratulates him and lets him go before returning to his seat. He taps Kim Chaehyun on the shoulder and gives her a thumbs up for winning best screenplay for the movie, a category that she hasn't won since the Golden Globes. Always’ — Hao’s movie — screenplay was exceptional, and it's been winning the screenplay award until tonight. Chaehyun is still shocked by it, even Yujin, who also got nominated for his supporting role in ‘Say My Name’, is shocked at how well the night is going for their film.

After a while, the music blasts off like a rocket again, capturing Matthew’s attention once more and in between claps, he hears the announcer's voice as clear as water.

“Presenting the award for best actor, Sung Hanbin.”

Matthew watches him in all his glory when he exits from backstage, his red suit a lovely contrast against the golden backdrop like a single ruby shining in the midst of golden treasure. It's one of those days where Matthew finds himself speechless at his beauty. His black hair glitters under the spotlight and with a smile as bright as himself, Matthew can't help but return that same grin. In his hands is the most important envelope to him: the one that he knows won't go to him but still feels like an immense honor to be nominated for.

The best actor award.

He knows, even as he claps for Hanbin and then Jiwoong reassures him with a pat, that Zhang Hao will win over him. He's won every single award since his movie came out; there's no way he could lose now. Matthew thought he could be tough competition for him, but how could a newcomer with newfound stardom ever reach the height of a seasoned actor like Hao? He could never.

And after that breakdown he had weeks ago, he's ready to accept defeat and not get upset over it, no matter if he has a pretty fair chance of winning himself.

The media sees them as rivals. Matthew sees him as a friend. Even if he loses on the biggest night of his life, he'll clap for him. Someone who’s that respected should be celebrated.

“Good evening. This award honors five incredible performances that have been labeled since their inception as the best of the year,” Hanbin’s sweet voice pulls Matthew out of his thoughts and he finds himself with his attention fully on him, his cute English accent producing a giggle out of him. He can't believe this man is his. “No matter who wins, each actor nominated here has shown what they're capable of, and that's why we celebrate them tonight. Here are the nominees.”

Matthew watches the screen. Zhang Hao’s name is the first to be called. His clip was arguably the most impressive one, and Matthew is sure he will win because of that scene; the climax of the movie near the end, where his character, the Emperor of China, gets backstabbed by his secret lover — played by Hanbin — in order to end the Emperor's tyranny. It was the bittersweet story of two star-crossed lovers, and as Hao said multiple times, was inspired by Romeo and Juliet. His gorgeous face shines as the camera focuses on him, and he bows with a slight smile towards it. His gratitude calms Matthew for a few seconds. 

Next is Park Sungho for So let's Go See the Stars. Then his friend Kevin Moon for Reveal. Seconds pass quickly and blur together.

Before he knows it, it's his turn. 

His movie was a coming of age tale, the two main characters meeting by fate after Matthew's character defends Jiwoong from bullies despite him being deaf. Matthew studied sign language for 6 months in order to prepare for his role and perfect every sign he had to use (which were a lot, and required a lot of patience from his coaches and the director), though the fear of being judged by the deaf community lingered even after the movie premiered to rave reviews. Despite Jiwoong’s role being a difficult one where he portrayed an outcast struggling with his sexuality and trauma. The movie's themes and the bond of both characters forming an unlikely relationship between the two leads led to people shipping Matthew with Jiwoong. 

Even Yujin next to him got nominated in his supporting role as Matthew’s hearing brother. They both had a difficult relationship that improved as the movie went on, until Jiwoong began living with them and Yujin managed to look past their differences and accept each other. Even now, the younger male cheers Matthew with a shake of his arm and then the camera is on him. The blonde smiles and looks at Hanbin once more.

When he sees Hanbin raise the envelope, his hands go cold and his heart starts to race. He's accepted his defeat and yet he can't help but have a sliver of hope. He glances at the relaxed face of Zhang Hao and then at Hanbin, expectant, hopeful. 

A nomination is already enough. A nomination is already enough. A nomination is already enough.

He repeats this over and over as Yujin holds his hand and Jiwoong leans forward in his seat. Gyuvin and Taerae also look at Hanbin from where they’re seated behind Matthew, their heads barely showing in the corner of the screen.

His boyfriend makes an excited noise before he starts to open the golden envelope. 

“And the award goes to…”

Matthew is tempted to black out, lower his head, close his eyes, and cling onto that miracle. But he only stares at Hanbin with a slight smile and anticipation bubbles up in his chest. A few beats of silence pass when Hanbin reads the letters on the envelope silently, and then Matthew sees it.

Hanbin starts to tear up, and then come the unexpected words.

“Seok Matthew!”

WHAT.

He doesn't register it at first, the world around him fading from existence, the thundering claps and cheers from the audience deafening like he were underwater, suddenly falling down into a deep blue sea.

And then he's suddenly submerged back into the surface, he breathes air in, his senses come back to him.

He won.

His face on the screen is nothing but an entirely shocked expression as Jiwoong, Yujin, Gyuvin, Taerae, everyone gets up to congratulate him, shaking him and patting him on the back as their proud smiles fill his heart with joy. Reality hits him and tears fall down his cheeks before he knows it. He hugs Jiwoong and Matthew sees him tear up. He's hugged by his co-stars and producers, his film director Hoetaek, and he finally finds the strength in his legs to stand up while still hugging Gyuvin as he's all tears. Taerae gives him one last thumbs up and Matthew walks to the stage. Oh, the fans were surely going to make fun of him for his crying face. He can already picture the memes the next morning.

Even as he walks up the stairs, Matthew's heart cannot calm down from the rush of adrenaline. He sees Hanbin’s face and Matthew cries even more. He's only seen Hanbin cry once, that night when he had that bout of jealousy over Jiwoong. This time, Hanbin is crying out of happiness for him, his dear boyfriend, and Matthew can't register what's happening anymore. He reaches Hanbin, grabs the award and does the unexpected.

A single moment that changes the trajectory of their lives forever.

Matthew told him it was time to come out to the world, but of all the ideas he had planned in his head, this wasn't one of them.

Matthew kisses Hanbin under the glittering lights and with cameras on them and the crowd goes wild. Their clapping mixes with cheers that make Matthew's heart feel lighter. He holds Hanbin’s waist. All eyes are on them. There's no way this is happening, and yet it's real.

Everything about this moment is unequivocally real.

When Matthew pulls away, Hanbin is shocked, and he realizes what just happened. For a second he's scared to face the crowd, but when he's told by the crew backstage to make a speech he totally hasn't prepared for, he has no choice but to do it. He separates himself from Hanbin with flushed cheeks and shaky hands as he looks at the people in front of him.

A standing ovation is before him and the blonde smiles widely, his eyes like stars bathed in gold. He can't believe this is happening, that all these months led to this single moment in his life. He sees Hao amongst the crowd and he seems so relieved, Matthew can't help but feel glad that he's standing here and Hao is merely an observer, able to appreciate Matthew's talent and support him. 

The fact Hao probably wanted Matthew to win fills him with happiness.

When the applause finally dies down Matthew is left visibly shaking and crying. “I… wow.” He starts, looking at the shaky award in his hand. “I- thank you so much.” He looks at the audience with tear stained cheeks. “I never expected to win, so I didn't prepare a speech for this.” 

He chuckles to himself. “But I think one would start his speech by thanking the Academy for this amazing honor. I would like to thank Say My Name’s production crew, the editors, the cinematographers, and every cast member involved in making this wonderful film that cost us so much sweat and tears. To writer Kim Chaehyun and director Lee Hoetaek, thank you so much for believing in someone like me, who's never acted in something this big before,” He holds up the award towards them. “We did it.”

The camera view changes to Hoetaek and Chaehyun both tearing up as Matthew takes a pause in the middle of his shock, trying to formulate more words in his head. “To my fellow cast mates, Jiwoong hyung, my partner in crime, without you the love story between our characters wouldn't have been the same, thank you for your endless support throughout the entire shoot during the last year.” Jiwoong gives him a thumbs up and Matthew chuckles. “Thanks to Kim Gyuvin and Han Yujin, for bringing life to your wonderful characters and for bringing out the best in me.”

“To my coaches for teaching me sign language and not die trying,” He laughs. “and I also have to thank my fellow nominees in this category full of raw, amazing talent, it's an honor to share this recognition with you all, especially Kevin Moon, my fellow Canadian friend, I did it, bro!” 

Kevin’s face is momentarily on the screen as he cheers for Matthew.

His head turns to face Hao in the audience and Matthew allows himself to shine. “Zhang Hao, you are the star of ‘Always’, and you deserved this award more than anyone else in this room.” The audience cheers, not sure for which of them, but they do and Zhang Hao is all smiles as he shakes his head and points gratefully at Matthew. The blonde starts to cry again. “You're my role model, and without you I wouldn't be standing on this stage. Thank you so much for everything. I hope I get the honor of working with you someday.”

He takes another deep breath and this time, with his heart pounding, he looks at Hanbin in his pretty red color that fits him like roses in a pretty garden. “And I… I have to… say something important, something I'd promised myself to mention if I ever got to stand on this very stage. I— oh God I have 30 seconds left.” Matthew laughs. He looks down. Holds his breath.

He says the words that have been a burden to him for years and braces himself.

“Hanbin and I have been dating for 2 years, and I want to thank him for everything he's done. You're the love of my life, and I love you. I love you Sung Hanbin, and I'll let the world know until I die! I love you! I adore you! I’m not sure what will happen after this, but I know I'll proudly love you until the end of time.” 

The deafening cheers and applause gives him euphoria he'd never known before, and his brain goes on automatic mode, spilling out love confessions and nicknames until he's jumping in place. Meanwhile, he sees Hanbin crying and holding himself back from rushing to Matthew to kiss him once more, for everyone to see, no longer afraid.

He holds the trophy up high. “To the love of my life, I dedicate this award, to my fans, and lastly to my family! My mom, my dad, my sister who are all watching at home, I made it! Thank you so much!!” 

He's still in the clouds when Say My Name wins best picture against all odds. The entire crew goes on stage and Hoetaek is the one doing the entire speech as everyone else is too stunned to form a coherent sentence. It feels like pure euphoria as the night comes to a close, and Matthew stares at the golden statue in his hand, an award that is his own to brag about for the rest of his life.

At the afterparty, everyone congratulates the couple as social media explodes. Back in their apartment, after gathering the courage to finally look at the news, they expect to see nothing but hate.

Twitter has nothing but praise for the couple.

Matthew finds a funny headline and shows it to Hanbin.

'Bye, Wonwoo': Best Actor Seok Matthew hard launches Best Supporting Actor Sung Hanbin with a kiss at the Oscars

They both laugh at it. Ironically enough, Wonwoo had quote retweeted it.

SVT_Wonwoo:

hi matthew, congrats on coming out (and the award), you crazy bastard. to hanbin, clearly, he loves you more than me. i didn't know i was this popular among handsome men ㅋㅋㅋ

Hanbin laughs even more, likes it and retweets it. “I see why he's your crush now.” He comments to Matthew, who is also laughing.

Breaking: Actors Seok Matthew and Sung Hanbin confirmed to be dating

This one is more serious, but the article doesn't seem to be hateful or homophobic, so they feel quite relaxed when scrolling through it.

They find a couple hateful comments and some unprofessional clickbait articles about their relationship and Hanbin decides to not bother with them.

Seok Matthew and Sung Hanbin's romance — why didn't we guess? 5 times the ‘Sungseok’ couple hinted they were actually dating

Matthew thinks this one is pretty sweet.

After some more scrolling, Hanbin decides it's time to sleep. Matthew agrees.

“At least we have a few days to rest now,” he whispers into Hanbin’s tattooed chest. “I can't stop thinking about how excited Taerae was when we finally came out.”

Hanbin laughs, running his fingers through his boyfriend's blonde locks. “Yeah, let's just hope that when he sees the news he'll stop fearing getting fired.”

The smaller male agrees. “And if his boss tries to fire him, he'll have to get through my lawsuit first.”

They both smile and stop talking, finally getting comfortable in bed.

Hanbin and Matthew decide to do one last thing before falling asleep that night.

They upload a photo to Matthew’s instagram, their hands holding two golden statues, two names engraved on them with a caption that's meaningful and beautiful: 

Love wins all ❤️