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“I know I have to talk about it. I know I have to address it, but how do I even start that conversation?” Erik said, throwing his hands up in panicked resignation, “I don’t know what’s going on.”
“But you seemed familiar from day one,” Shay replied, incredulously, “Might be easier.”
Two days past the Night of Ascension, the Golden Raven Crew went about tying loose ends in Vasselheim before heading back to Tal’dorei. Their airship remained docked over the surrounding forest, not far away from the city walls.
Hours earlier, Fahlen had caught Goro wandering aimlessly about the ship, behaving conspicuously and confused. Insightful as they were, Fahlen didn't need much to recognize odd gaps in Goro’s recollection of events and of the people he had spent the most of a week fighting and traveling with. He was acting odd enough to have them call an impromptu meeting to report what they had noticed to Erik and Shay.
Erik had held Shay back as they dispersed, his voice and body language distressed and a bit manic.
“I feel like I shouldn’t let this drag on for too much longer,” Erik muttered through gritted teeth. “There’s just so much to take in, I’ve been thinking about it for days! Nights! I’ve barely slept. I don’t know…” He had begun pacing in a small circle before pausing and straightening up. “Okay! Okay...”
“Now, you have an even more urgent thing to bring up.” Shay inserted.
“Yeah,” Erik mumbled, “A lot of urgent things have been coming up in the last few days.”
“It sounds… important.” Shay placed a hand on Erik’s shoulder; her expression an attempt at being reassuring, “I’m not telling you not to keep staying up at night, but it’s okay… that you do.”
Erik’s face warped in confusion for a moment before relaxing, “You- You have such a way with words, Shay,” He snickered as he spoke, “That’s why I trust you so much.”
Erik paced a few laps up and down the central corridor for a couple of minutes before setting off to find Goro; a last chance to think about what to say.
Having left the door to his room ajar, Erik stopped just short of the threshold to find Goro focused, sitting at the edge of his bed, hunched over with his nose in a book.
Not wanting to startle him, Erik approached quietly; raising a hand to tap gently on the doorframe.
In a swift, almost practiced motion, Goro clapped the book closed and sat up, his eyes darting to meet Erik’s. “Yup? Hey!”
“Oh? Reading?” Erik voiced, crossing his arms as he leaned on the doorsill. He arched his eyebrow, intrigued, “Do that often?”
“Uh, yeah. I like reading. A lot.” Goro’s voice faltered before picking back up again, “It’s my own writing, it’s dumb.”
“Oh! Your own writing?”
“I’m not good at it, don’t... “ Goro mumbled as his shoulders dropped, “Don’t.”
“It’s okay. I feel that.”
A silence filled the room for a moment before Erik peeled himself off the doorframe and readjusted his posture. “Uhm… I got an interesting bit of information, I hope you don’t mind me asking…”
Goro’s tone lifted at the proposition, “I love information. Hit me with it!”
Taken aback at the enthusiasm, Erik elaborated, slowly stepping into the room as he did. “So… You’ve been wandering around the ship for the last two days or so…”
“Yeah, I mean, it’s, uh, a big ship,” Goro replied awkwardly, “Lots of interesting places in here.”
“Mhmm…” Erik felt apprehensive at Goro’s response, “Recognize everybody?”
“You too?” Goro asked, disappointed, “You’re going to strongarm me on this as well?”
Erik held a hand up defensively, “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to--”
“Yes!” Goro inserted insistently, “I recognize people.”
“By name? By face?”
A pause. Slowly, Goro bowed his head, voicing a heavy and frustrated sigh.
Erik took the opportunity to approach, gently setting himself down beside his sullen companion. He moved calmly and deliberately as he spoke.
“Remember… me?” Erik asked, gesturing to himself.
Goro’s head peeked up slightly, “Erik, right?”
“Mhm… Remember anything we shared- anything you did in the last few days?”
“I wrote some things down,” Goro mumbled, fidgeting with his notebook, “I… yeah.”
Erik leaned over as he shifted his posture, wanting to stay eye-to-eye with Goro, “What do you remember?”
Erik watched as Goro began to stare blankly for a few seconds before refocusing; the look on his face unchanging. Crestfallen.
“Nothing. I just… read it.” Goro rolled his eyes as he leaned back, “Sounded like a lot, sounded pretty epic. Big fight, so that sounded cool… but, uhm…”
“Did you just wake up? Without anything? Yesterday... Today?”
“Mhm…” Goro turned back to face Erik directly, “Did I already tell you about this?”
“No. You didn’t.”
Erik folded his arms and straightened up; a conscious effort to exude a faux confidence. His heart had been slowly dropping over the course of their conversation, but he was determined to listen and try to understand what was going on before reacting.
“I mean, you don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to but…” Erik took a deep breath before going on, “I don’t know how much you remember about what you told me, or whatever our history might have been before, or memories or dreams-- I don’t know--”
“I can’t-” Goro quickly cut him off, “I can’t remember anything. All I have are the little snippets of things that I’ve written down and my shorthand is awful. Every time it cycles, everything I write is taken out of context and I’m supposed to piece everything together like the world’s stupidest puzzle and it’s just… frustrating.”
“So, you have to reread everything? Everytime?”
“I’ve gotten very good at speed reading, not going to lie,” Goro replied, “Unless I was already good at it. I don’t know.”
Goro and Erik chuckled in tandem, dispersing a bit of the tension in the air.
“Any notes on, maybe, how many days it takes?” Erik paused to ask, “You mentioned cycles…”
“Uh, yeah. That was something that was always written at the beginning.”
Goro reached to pull at the faded yellow sash wrapped and tucked under his belt before turning to splay it across the bed. A quick scan over and Erik could count the number of rips cut into the fabric. Despite a surprising consistency between each notch, Erik could recognize one fresher than the others.
“So, each one is every time?”
“Each one’s a day,” Goro explained solemnly, “And every group of five… apparently the cycle begins again.”
Erik ran a hand over some of the tears, taking a few moments to count each one.
“Twenty five? Or something like that. That’s… a lot of fives.”
“I mean, I don’t even know if this is actually all of them, for obvious reasons.” Goro added, dejected, “Past me makes a note that maybe there are some… inconsistencies. Which is encouraging.”
“Well, I have some ideas of maybe helping with-- I don’t know. Anything?” Erik paused, acknowledging the lack of conviction in his tone before waving it off, “But I wanna ask you, before, you know, I try to throw things at the wall and see what sticks.”
A snicker escaped Goro’s lips as his eyes brightened a bit, “Yeah! I mean, if you can help, then yes. Of course.”
“I’m curious though,” Erik bowed his head for a moment before turning to look intently at Goro, his voice quiet but earnest, “Why do you trust me with all this?”
“I just… do.” Goro replied before turning slightly defensive, “I feel like that’s a question I should be asking you? Why do you feel I trust you?”
Erik felt compelled to laugh as he threw his hands up in mock surrender, “Hey now, don’t throw it back at me, man.” He felt a small wave of relief overcome him as Goro began to laugh along with him.
“I threw it! Catch it!” Goro demanded. Their laughter quickly died down, “Answer.”
“I don’t know. I-I remember what I learned about you in the last couple of days.” Erik explained, “I mean, it hasn’t been too long since we saved you from that- I mean, since Saana and Goury saved you from the forest down below, but you don’t remember, so I wondered why you felt like you could tell me. You know, Fahlen told me you weren’t comfortable telling them, but--”
“I mean, they’re shifty.” Goro interjected coldly.
The almost somber look on his face prompted Erik to burst out laughing again. “Now, don’t say that to them out loud.”
“They got really close, very quickly.”
“I understand. I understand-- anyways, that’s a note for another day.” Erik quickly wiped the guffaw-induced moisture from his eyes.
“Well, you know, if nothing else, we can start with this,” Erik slowly reached a hand out towards Goro, keeping his eyes affixed, but reassuring. “Is it okay if I-”
Flinching slightly at Erik’s advance, Goro raised a hand protectively . “What’re you going to do?”
Sensing his apprehension, Erik pulled his hand back a bit. “I’m going to try to ‘lesser’ restore you. I don’t know, last time I tried it out… It helped with something? Well, something came up. Is that alright?”
Nodding cautiously, Goro replied, “Mm… Okay.”
Intent on accommodating Goro’s anxiety, Erik very gently placed a hand over his shoulder. Without shifting his focus on Goro’s eyes, Erik recited the prayerlike incantation for the restoration spell under his breath. He waited as a comforting warmth rushed through the length of his arm and focused into his palm, seemingly seeping through to Goro.
Erik observed carefully as Goro’s eyes seemed to glaze over, before sparks of orange energy overtook his own vision. The flood of orange bled into an ominous, but familiar purple before he felt Goro abruptly recoil from his touch.
His vision restored, Erik looked over as Goro withdrew; not from pain, but almost as if he’d been hit with a small static shock.
“Was that supposed to help?” Goro asked, wincing, “I mean, it woke me up. I’m more awake now.”
Erik breathed a disappointed sigh. “Well, the last time I did that… Actually, I don’t know how in-depth your notes are, but last time this happened, we were fighting something under the city. And, something had weakened you and I used this to restore you…” He paused to pull his shoulders back and straighten up a bit, “Now that I recall, I think I had viewed into your memory and not necessarily helped you regain yours. I was hoping something might’ve changed this time, but I guess I was wrong… That complicates things, I think.”
A pregnant pause fell over them again. A familiar discouragement gradually overtook Goro’s face as Erik’s eyes unfocused, thoughts running through his mind at a mile a minute.
Erik had held out hope that the restoration spell would have given them somewhere to start. The memories that Goro had just shared with the party only hours ago couldn’t have fallen so far in so little time. But then again, this kind of magic was far beyond his understanding. If the books Shay helped him scour through at the Cobalt Vault were of any truth, all of this could be beyond any of his capabilities, what use could he be in this-
The sound of Goro’s voice cut Erik’s thoughts short.
“Can you help?”
Erik’s vision refocused, tethering himself back to the conversation.
“I feel like there’s something about your history,” Erik began, mustering strength to keep his voice from wavering, “Something about your history that has me in there somewhere. I don’t know what? Where? When? But, I’m in there somewhere. And… I feel like, if you can’t trust anybody else, I feel like… Well, I’ve got your back.”
“Yeah?”
“It’s not going to be easy,” Erik added with a chuckle, “Hell, it’s never easy, but I feel like you’re better off with someone else, instead of wandering around on your own, right?”
“I mean, I made it this far, apparently.”
“Yeah, and what from it?”
“Hey, now don’t stomp on my progress,” Goro retorted, “Given the circumstances, I think I did pretty good.”
“Hey, okay, you lived! Through this whole time! You’re alive!” Erik interjected, realizing that his last reply might have come off a little dismissive, “Apparently, you crossed the ocean somehow!”
“Exactly! Thank you!” Goro exclaimed earnestly, “And also, that explains a lot.”
“Wait, what do you mean?” Erik’s voice fluttered into another bit of laughter.
“Uh, some of my pages are, like, super waterlogged.”
Erik glanced over at Goro’s book and could see a good portion of the pages were warped and wrinkled. It was a circumstance he was pretty familiar with as he recalled the pages in his own notebook that’d caught the worst of some moisture, though not to the same degree.
“Oh, yeesh… Maybe time for a new one?...Or not.” Erik’s brow furrowed apologetically; his voice cracking as he spoke, “I don’t know how old your book is.”
“I don’t know either, man.” Goro replied, matching Erik’s exaggeration.
Amused, Erik let out a breathy chuckle. “I mean, here’s the thing, right?” He turned to address Goro more directly, “Having remembered things, I went into the big library in the city with my big brain friend, the one with the teal on her face, and, uhm… And we looked up some things. And, honestly, it’s a lot.” Erik found himself nervously fidgeting at the leather of his belt as he spoke, “It’s a lot and I don’t really understand it myself. I mean, I could try to explain it, but I don’t know if it’d be any-”
“Help?” Goro finished as the focus seemed to slowly drift and the disappointment faded back onto his face.
A deep frustration began to well up in Erik’s chest, but he was determined to anchor his feelings the best he could before continuing.
“I- I want to tell you everything you missed! It’s just… I don’t know if you’ll remember it the same. And to relearn it all in five days’ time.” Erik’s voice faltered and he found himself having to almost physically shake off the looming worry, as he picked up again. “Here’s the thing, if it helps you, any time this happens, I’ll tell you about everything you missed as well as I can, because… That fucking sucks, right? Forgetting?”
Goro wordlessly shrunk into himself for a moment, bowing his head so low that Erik could barely decipher the look on his face. Erik sat patiently as they sat in the quiet, heavy lull for a while.
“Yeah. Yeah it does.” Goro responded with a subtle catch in his throat.
“Alright. So, we got you.” Erik reassured as he gently clapped a hand on Goro’s shoulder, “Just, don’t go anywhere, okay? We’ve got places to be. Things to figure out, okay?”
“Yeah, it's just uhm…” Goro lifted his head, but kept his gaze averted for a second then looked back to Erik with what seemed like welling eyes. He chuckled under his breath before talking again, “Can I hug you?”
Erik raised his eyebrows in surprise.
“Just real quick,” Goro added awkwardly, “For, like, three seconds?”
Without much time for a reply, Erik felt Goro’s arms wrap around him for a really tight hug. A little startled, but in no way opposed to it, he held Goro and let himself get pulled into the embrace.
“It’s gonna be good, my guy. It’s only up from here,” Erik muttered quietly, gently patting his back; an attempt at a comforting motion. “ I don’t know where to start, but for now, at least we know we have somewhere to be.”
“Heh.” Goro expressed wearily before slowly pulling back from the hug.
Erik rested his hands on his lap with a sated smile sprawled across his face. He caught himself glancing around the space before his eyes resting on the notebook Goro left sitting within his reach.
“You know, I have a book too?” Erik asked, pointing at the book. At that point, he was feeling curious and a little impulsive.
“Are your notes better than mine?” Goro replied before palming his book, leafing through its pages and pulling it open to show Erik a spread.
Erik’s brow furrowed as he scanned over the open journal to find just a mishmash of scrawlings and doodles, words that were underlined and circled for emphasis that filled the page and the margins and sunk into the small of the book’s spine.
“Uhhh, I mean... '' Erik squinted as he tried to make any sense of Goro’s miniscule shorthand, though quickly feeling compelled to pull away as his vision went blurry from focusing too hard, “Your handwriting is a lot better. I mean, I also have doodles in mine.”
Erik nudged his hand under his chestplate and pulled out his worn, blue dye stained leather journal 'prayer’ book. Hastily thumbing through it, he opened it up to a spread from when he first boarded the ship with the Golden Raven Crew and spent some time sprawling down his thoughts about the other members.
“You see, I tried to draw Saana, like, once? But, uh, it didn’t turn out so good?” Erik said with a nervous squeak in his voice, “And I think I even misspelled her name-- I mean, this was from a couple months ago. I-I don’t remember if you remember Saana?”
Goro focused his eyes on a poorly rendered Saana drawing, eyes off kilter and stringy chicken scratch hair, “Uh, I mean, looking at the drawing, she’s the tiny… tiefling girl, right?”
Erik responded with a disappointed bow to his brow, “Tiny?” He glanced back at his poor excuse for a Saana drawing, “I think we’re just tall.”
Goro threw his head back in a burst of laughter. Contagious, it prompted another snicker out of Erik.
“Anyways, if you ever need a quick pick-me-up, or you’re in the mood to fight or spar, even,” Erik flipped his book shut, “She’s not a bad person to go to. Always manages to raise my spirits, somehow… I don’t know. It’s something about her.”
“Okay.” Goro muttered, still apprehensive.
“You know I’ll keep trying on my own part, but, you know…” Erik’s voice trailed off, “I’m curious about something, actually.”
“Yeah?”
“Your magic…” Erik cocked his head inquisitively then carried on, “You don’t have to remember anything? To cast spells, or stuff like that?”
“I mean, I hope not…” Goro’s voice trailed off before returning,” It just seems to be, thank goodness, something I’m just able to do. I probably would not be alive and here without it.”
“Okay, well, that’s reassuring in some ways.”
Goro let out another weary sigh, “Yeah, I don’t have to remember anything about it. Thank goodness, it’s just a part of me, I guess…”
Erik felt his ears instinctively droop a bit as his mood dipped, but he consciously made an effort to mask the emotions on his face the best he could.
“I, uhm, woke up not remembering much myself, honestly,” Erik kept his voice soft and low, “And it took a lot to remember who I was, and maybe it wasn’t who I used to be before… Uhm, but it doesn’t make you anything less than who you are.”
Goro took a few seconds before replying.
To think? To linger on words? Erik couldn’t really tell.
“I like to think so…” Goro mumbled before his tone turned intrigued, “You also… have memory problems? But you say that you also know me? So are we both affected?”
Erik shrugged, “Maybe? I think so? But I don’t know by what.” Confused, he folded his arms and wrinkled his nose, “There’s a lot that I learned about you… About me? In the last month, even! I don’t know... Even if I told you all of it now, would you remember it after?” Goro chuckled dispiritedly as Erik continued, “I wish I had a way to project what I know to you, so you could see it with your own eyes. But… I don’t have any kind of magic like that…”
“Nah. Me neither.”
“But I have a weird… reservoir of what looks like memories. From a time that I don’t remember,” Erik’s voice wavered slightly. He paused to gauge any physical response from Goro, “So I’ll try to figure it out.”
“Okay, okay… Yeah,” Goro replied, with a mix of both hope and resignation in his voice, “I wanna help, so if you need me for anything… Please let me know.”
“Of course.” Erik nodded before pulling himself up from the side of the bed. “Well, I’ll leave you to what you were doing.”
“Studying?” Goro responded with a laugh on his lips, “It’s just studying…”
“Yeah,” Erik couldn’t help but chuckle under his breath as he shuffled slowly towards the door, “And, uh, if there are any sort of gaps in your notes, let anybody know and will fill you back in.”
“Alright… Well, I do have, like, one question--”
Before Erik could do anything, Goro had picked his journal back up flipped to a spread crammed with writing from tight corner to deep in the margins. Almost illegibly squeezed onto the header was marked ‘Cuersaar 10, 789’, the day the party had rescued Goro from the clutches of the Abyssal siege on Vasselheim.
Amused, Erik sat back down beside him, pulling out his own journal and thumbing through pages. He opened it to an almost equally crammed page, albeit with much larger, messier writing and many many more spelling errors.
“Okay, so you wanna compare notes? Let’s start here...”