Work Text:
My mother died when I was in my twenties and by the time that happened I hadn't spoken to her in years. I ran away from home at 18 and in all that time my mother never even tried to contact me, her only child.
My mother was a bitter person. One of those people that just by looking at them you know they cannot possibly be happy. The thin set of their mouth, the deep wrinkles set between the eyebrows, there due to an almost permanent scowl, the rigid set of their spine and their shoulders, even the dull conservative clothes they wear. All little, or huge, telltales of their self impose dull and self righteous existence.
I was the exact opposite, still am, and when I came out to my mother there was no rage just simple disgust. I think she thought it was just a phase because she never said anything until the day she saw me talking to my girlfriend. She went into a rage, calling me names I’d rather not repeat, citing scriptures, saying things I didn't even understand at the time.
I left and I heard nothing from her until I received a letter from a lawyer. My mother had died leaving no will, and therefore, as the next of kin, I inherited all her earthly belongings.
Me and my partner went into my childhood home. The big house built in the 30's by my grandfather looked immaculate. There was only some dust that had collected since my mother had been sent to the hospital where she died. We went through her clothes and the rest of her things, deciding what to give away to charity and what to keep. I hadn't even decided what to do with the house. I wasn't sure I could move in, yet I wasn't ready to sell it either.
Among her papers, mostly accounting books, old shopping lists and receipts, I found an old diary bound together with letters. I didn't want to read it at first. The last thing I wanted was to know my mother's innermost thoughts, even if they obviously were from her youth. It wasn't until a couple of weeks later when I took a deep breath and sat on the balcony of the main bedroom, the one that overlooked the beach and the old dock, now unused, merely a few blocks away.
What I will tell you now is the story I compiled from my mother's journal, together with what I heard from the old people in town who had known my mother and her family and, later from my aunt. The rest are educated guesses for the sake of style and the story.
Mel was always the serious child of the family, the reliable one, while my aunt, Amelie was the dreamer, the romantic as she was often called. They were twins but they were as different as they could be, both in character and in appearance. While Mel took after their father, being more active and with more boyish interests, Amelie was more quiet and pensive. In spite of their differences, the two sisters were as close as any pair of twins.
Their parents insisted that the family was distant relatives to the crown back in England and swore up and down they were the descendants of Earls and the small town believed them since as far as anyone knew, it could have been true; they certainly had the money to back the statement.
The family expected from their daughters propriety, obedience and the behavior expected of any young lady of their station... from England in the 1800's. Their parents were cold and detached but ruled the house with an iron fist. Mel had no problem with that type of life. She welcomed the order she needed to live her life. She was wild at heart but she knew it was a bad thing, rules reminded her of that and obligations kept her grounded and her rational side always won over her adventurous side.
Amelie on the other hand, didn't know what she wanted, she was just happy to follow her sister around and do as she was told so that she had the liberty to go to the beach whenever she wanted.
Now, I should tell you that the city where they lived was in a big island which had a popular harbor, much more than it is today. Not as big and rich as other port cities, but ships did come and go often, bringing with them merchandise to sell in and outside the city. Bringing with them sailors, some of whom were young and admired from afar, and in many occasions from very up close, by the young and not so young local women.
Amelie loved the sea. Loved the sounds of it. Sometimes she would sit on the sand, close her eyes and just let the sound wash over her, transport her. Mel didn't really understand. Yes, the sea was pretty, yes, the sound was somewhat calming but she didn't understand how her sister could spend hours just sitting there. She would have understood had Amelie wanted to sail the seas in one of the ships. But just sitting and gazing?
One of those days in which Amelie was enjoying the sun warming her while her sister was blessedly silent for once next to her, they saw a young man walking down the beach. It was rare to see someone on that part of the secluded beach. Amelie had chosen that place precisely because of that. There was the old dock, which hadn't been used in almost 80 years, since it had been left in favor of a more modern harbor. No one went there anymore except for the two sisters and now apparently this man.
Not far from them, the man stopped and sat, looking out to the horizon, much like she had been. Even from the distance, Amelie could see the man couldn’t be much older than herself and that he couldn’t possibly be from those parts.
Amelie wanted to go and talk to him but Mel opposed to it. They didn’t know who the man was and he could be dangerous. Amelie let herself be persuaded. Her sister was, after all, right.
That night they found out there was a new foreign ship in the dock. It hadn’t come from the usual places of commerce, this one had come from Japan. Their father said that it was good business, of course, but they came from a country that was at war, in a world that was on the path to war as well.
“Filthy little creatures,” their father said. “They come from uncivilized places, really, no matter what people say nowadays,” he asserted as he continued to ramble on about how only people in the ‘continent’ were truly civilized and trustworthy people.
“Do not worry, your mother and I will find you girls good men from good families for you, my dears,” he said at the end of his ramble. By that time, Amelie had stopped listening so she had no idea how her father had gone from the ship to the matter of their long overdue marriages but she knew her sister was still listening. She always listened.
Later that night she walked out into the balcony. If she stretched her neck to the left, she could see the harbor up ahead. She could see the ships and beyond them the sea. She did not really want to leave her home, like her sister. She did not crave adventure in the far seas either. She just liked it, that was all.
In her own room, Mel did crave something else. As her father talked about commerce and travel and war, she soaked up the words and wondered what it would be like to do all those things, to be a part of them, to be in the middle of a war, not watching from the sidelines but fighting in it. She didn't kid herself, she knew it would be terrifying, but she couldn’t help but think it might also be exhilarating
The very next day, Amelie sat in the same spot. Her sister was not silent this time.
“You want to see him again.”
Amelie didn’t look at her sister but frown. “Who?”
“That man we saw yesterday. He obviously came from that ship father was talking about.”
Amelie laughed. “No. I always come here and you know it.”
Her sister didn’t reply because she did actually know that. She was in one of her moods, that's all.
No, Amelie was not waiting for the man they had seen, but she saw him anyway. Just as the previous day he walked down the shore and, without acknowledging them, sat just out of reach from the tide.
He wasn't a big man. More lean than the usually bulky sailors.
Her sister looked at the man and started repeating the things her father had said the night before as if Amelie hadn’t been there. In spite of her words there was curiosity in her sister’s eyes. Amelie stood up and walked right up to the man, with her sister behind her expressing, a bit too mildly, her discomfort.
Amelie stood next to the stranger until he looked up.
“Hello,” Amelie simple greeted.
“Hello,” he answered and even in that one word she could hear the heavy accent.
“I’m Amelie, this is my sister Mel. We live here.”
The man’s eyebrows shot up in surprise.
“Umh… Tegoshi Yuya. I don’t live here… I… I came in a ship.”
Amelie nodded. “Can we sit here with you?” She asked ignoring the outraged look in her sister’s face.
The man looked around, still surprised and then finally said before he regain his composure to say: “Yes, of course.”
Amelie sat next to him careful to respect his personal space and after a few seconds her sister sat next to her.
“Have you been in many places? Sailors usually have.”
The man smiled. He had such a bright beautiful smile, Amelie thought. “I have. Although I have only been working on the ship for a year.”
“Our father said that your country is at war, that you started it,” Mel blurted out. Amelie glared at her sister. She was about to apologize but the man smiled sadly and said:
"The only war I ever started was a snow war and I was reprimanded for it. But yes, my country is at war."
"Why aren't you fighting in it?" Again Amelie wanted to kick her sister. Why was she acting so rude?
"Would you want to be fighting in a war?" He asked.
"Yes," her sister answered.
The man shook his head. "Then by all means, go fight in it. I prefer not to kill other people and certainly not to get killed. I should get back." He stood up and started to walk away.
Without thinking about it, lest she changed her mind, Amelie got up and hurried after him. When she called his name he stopped and turned around.
"I'm sorry about my sister," she said. "But... I come here almost everyday. Maybe I can see you."
He opened his mouth to say something and closed it again. Finally, he said: "Maybe." He bowed and walked away.
At first Amelie thought her sister would tell on her but she didn't. However, the next day, Mel didn't walk to the shore with her. She was a little scared about being alone, she rarely was. But she was excited too. He may not be there, she kept telling herself. And he wasn't there when she arrived. She sat and looked out to the sea and waited. She lost track of time as usual and was startled when someone sat next to her.
"You came!"
Tegoshi smiled.
That became their spot. They met there everyday for the two weeks Yuya stayed in the city. The day before his ship was due to sail back he kissed her and said that he would be back in 3 or 4 months.
She waited, reminding herself that sailors often offer such promises and rarely kept them.
He did come back.
This time her sister was set against them. And after Amelie had snuck away to see him before he left for the third time, Mel told on her.
There were shouts, even a couple slaps in the face and the demand that she promise not to see the man if he ever did come back again. She made no such promise. More shouting and at the end of it she was virtually disowned.
Amelie took a few of her things and went to an abandoned cottage down by the old dock. Her sister thought that once she lived away from the comforts of their house she would come to her senses. However, Amelie cleaned the cottage, which was in a surprisingly good shape. It had been built to last.
She woke up to the sound of the sea instead of the sound of a busy street, she stepped out into the sand instead of cement. It was quiet; there were no restrictions. She didn't need much to live, she found out, and the jewelry she had taken from her house and the sum her grandfather had left her, and which her father couldn't touch, was enough, at least for now.
She waited and Yuya did come back to find her in her cottage. He had been outraged at first, then he told her to go back to her family and forget about him. He would have to go back home for good sooner or later.
She wouldn't be deterred. She had chosen this, she had chosen him. They argued but in the end he couldn't argue anymore. She kissed him. It wasn't the first time they kissed but this time it was different. She was really free and on her own. She lead him inside her cottage and closed the door.
The moonlight seeped into the room, spilling on the narrow bed.
"Marry me," he said into her ear. She smiled and turned in his arms so she was facing him. She kissed him, there was no need to answer.
Amelie went back to the house only to talk to her sister. When Mel heard she was marrying Yuya a flash of jealousy ran through her. "So you are leaving with him?"
"Leaving? No. He has to go one more time, but he will come back like he has done before."
"Idiot," Mel spat. "How you can trust one of those men, is beyond me."
The conversation didn't go any better after that.
The captain on Yuya's ship married them but they decided not to tell anyone. Other than her sister, Amelie had no one else she wanted to tell anyway and Yuya was worried that people from the city wouldn't respond too well to what they had done. The few people from the ship who knew were certainly less than happy.
They didn't care. They went back to the cottage, home, now. They spend the next few days alone there. Even though he wasn't happy about it, the captain gave Yuya leave for a couple of days.
On a Wednesday, she stood in the small cottage looking out to the sea and the old unused dock. Two arms came around her. She turned around and looked at Yuya. He kissed her, like he had done so many times before and so differently than ever before. She sighed and let her hand fall on his chest feeling the heartbeat under the skin.
"I'll take longer this time."
She nodded. They had discussed it before. He had to go back to his country to get a full payment and get the few belongings he still had to sell. Once he had the money he would come back and get her. She couldn't go with him because of the war that had already started overseas. It was too dangerous and a mixed race couple would be in even more danger.
"I'll come back and we can stay here, or go somewhere else."
She nodded again. She didn't care if they stayed there or moved on to another more forgiving place. She'll live wherever he was. He'll live wherever she was, as simple as that.
He moved away to dress up as she waited outside, the weak sunlight from the early morning slowly warming her face, the sand under her bare feet. He came out of the cottage and stared at her in her bright yellow dress. The one that reached right below her knees and was loose but still hugged her curves.
"I love that dress on you."
She smiled. "I know." That was why she had worn it.
"I love you."
She smiled brighter. "I know."
He kissed her again but too soon he had to end the kiss. "I love you too."
"I'll be back," he vowed.
"I'll be waiting for as long as it takes," she promised and then he left her with her hair and her bright yellow dress flowing in the chill morning sea breeze.
He never came back.
After a year without news, Mel went to the cottage to find her sister cooking in her yellow dress.
"Come back to the house," she half demanded, half begged.
Her sister's face was serene. "No." She simply answered.
Mel growled. "He isn't coming back." At that her sister's face fell.
"You don't know that," she whispered.
"Oh, but I do! He probably got what he wanted from you and now he is back where he came from, probably with another woman, maybe even married and starting a family." Mel knew she was being unnecessarily hard but she wanted her sister to see reality, she wanted her sister back.
"He is married. To me."
"Like that would matter in the place where he is from.
"It doesn't matter, anyway, I'm staying here."
Mel set her lips in a thin line. "He is probably dead."
Her sister sighed. She left what she had been cooking and walked outside. She took a deep breath and looked up to the sky.
"Maybe he is. I don't know." She looked back at Mel, the serene look was back. "I'm still staying here in case he comes back."
"You think you are some romantic heroine..."
Amelie laughed. "I think nothing of the sort. I just... I have to stay here."
"You are insane! Come back. Father has been beside himself but he will forgive you..."
"There is nothing to forgive! This is what I chose."
"A..."
She turned around and grabbed Mel's hands. "Just leave, Mel."
"Come back with me..."
"That's not what I meant. I mean, just leave. Take one of the ships and go somewhere. That's what you've always wanted, isn't it? I know you wanted to leave..."
"I would never do that to our parents. They've had enough disappointment with you," Mel spat, venom dripping from every word.
That was the last time they talked to each other.
My mother came back to a house she didn't want but would keep anyway even after my grandparents died. She married the man my grandfather chose and lead the life she had always expected and had never really wanted. I read every word in her journals, which stopped not long after she married, but my mother never really explained why she'd done it, why she had stayed and become the bitter creature she had become. Maybe fear, maybe a deeply sense of responsibility and obligation pounded into her head from a young age.
Amelie stayed in the cottage on the beach since no one ever reclaimed it. After a few years people started to gossip about the woman from the cottage by the old dock. They said that she always wore a yellow dress that had started to fade and when she wasn't wearing that she just walked naked.
After ten or fifteen years, my mother tried to get her sister committed. Everybody said Amelie was crazy and by then my mother was more worried about appearances than anything else. However, she couldn't. Amelie went back to her cottage and her yellow dress.
When I finished telling the story, my partner huffed.
"So that's why she hated me? Because my family is Japanese?"
"It would seemed that way... You Japanese people keep making her family fall for you. And the fact that you are also female didn't help."
"Probably not. What are you going to do now?"
That was the question. I decided to go see my aunt wondering why I had never done it before. Probably because everybody insisted she was crazy, and probably she really was, and because of the prejudice my mother had instilled in me, even if I had always fought any of her teachings.
When I got to the cottage, I don't know what I had been expecting. My aunt was a small woman her hair was a silvery white, tangled by the wind and her face had only a few lines only made more visible because she had obviously been exposed to the sun.
She recognized me right away and she was kind, even if she had a tendency to wander in her speech. She looked sad when I told her my mother had died, but she looked even sadder when I told her my mother had never left the island in her life.
After the first time I met her, I made some calls. It wasn't easy to find what I was looking for after all the time that had passed. But I did find Yuya's ship and then I found his name on a list. The ship made it to Japan and then sailed out again only to be sunk in the Pacific ocean. His name was in the list of the deceased, his body, however, was never recovered. Of course the news never made it back to the island.
I went back to the cottage. My aunt was sitting by the shore. This time I took Ayase with me. When I told her that me and Ayase were together she laughed and ran a wrinkled hand on Ayase's cheek.
"Such a pretty girl. You have my good taste," she told me with a sparkle in her eyes. "I would have loved to see the expression on your mother's face when she found out."
"She all but kicked me out of the house."
"That sounds like her. Although she was not always like that."
After some time time, I gathered the courage to ask. "Aunt... are you still waiting for him?"
"Why do you ask?"
I didn't answer. "If you could know what happened to him, would you want to know?"
Her aunt looked back to the horizon. "It doesn't matter what happened to him. But, he is dead, isn't he? He's been dead all this time."
I didn't say anything, I just squeezed Ayase's hand in mine.
My aunt smiled. "It doesn't matter, you see, he did come back to me," she said as she caressed the water that had made its way to our feet.
I'm not sure what she meant. Maybe she meant that he was still with her in spirit or she was actually crazy like everybody said she was, although I don't think so.
She died not long after that and again I was left to sort out someone else's belongings. This time, there wasn't much to sort out. I did find the yellow dress in her closet, the color faded and the fabric frail with years of use. I asked the funeral home to dress my aunt in it and had her cremated as I had done with my mother.
Two months later Ayase and I took a trip. I took my mother's ashes and spread them outside the island. She hadn't been able to leave while alive, maybe in death she could see the world, even if it was only symbolically. Then, we took a cruise. I wasn't sure exactly where Yuya's ship had sank but I knew the cruise would take a similar route. When we reached a space of green water where the passengers could see some dolphins swimming I took my aunt's ashes and let the wind take them.
"You are becoming a romantic," Ayase whispered behind me, her chin on my shoulder.
I chuckled. "Maybe it's old age."
"Shut up," she chuckled back.
As we sailed on, I leaned back into Ayase's arms and I saw two dolphins jumping in and out of the water. Ayase would have laughed at me for my overactive imagination, but I imagined that they were my aunt and her long lost husband. She had waited for him and he had waited for her and now they were together again, dancing in the sea she had loved with her bright yellow dress.
