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It took them one look, one minute, and silence to walk into each other, say congratulations, and hug. It is not their thing to show affection in public. But for some reason, even with the sea of people, they feel like they are alone. The students who are in the same field as them seem to disappear as if they are the only ones there. The hug. The hug lasted for a minute or so as if it would be the last time. Renjun knows that it will be the last time, and so does Jaemin.
How long has it been since they last properly talked? As best friends, that is. Renjun couldn’t seem to recall when. “It's been so long” Jaemin whispered like he had heard Renjun's thoughts.
Renjun wanted to cry, but he couldn’t, not in public. And just as he thought of crying, he was reminded of where they are. Right, we’re in the middle of the field.
Renjun lets go of the hug first. How long did it last? He checked his wristwatch, 8:34, it says. It only lasted for 3 minutes, but why does it feel like 10?
And just like magnets, as soon as they let go of the hug, they locked their eyes again with Jaemin flashing his most loved smile that shows all his teeth. Both shared a good laugh afterwards. It feels close and distant at the same time, Jaemin thought, along the lines of what went wrong and what happened.
Jaemin fidgets before speaking, ”Where will you be after this?” he asks, nervously. Renjun, slightly surprised by the question, answered. “I will be with my family celebrating, how about you?”
“Shall we go to our favorite café after dinner? I-it’s totally okay if you can’t though I—” Renjun cuts him off by letting out a chuckle and said “I’d love to, Jaemin.” The former then scratched his head and looked down, getting all shy and blushy. “I'll text you, yeah?” was his last response to Renjun because Jeno called him to take a picture with their friends.
“Congratulations to us!!” Donghyuck screamed while jumping up and down going to Renjun. Renjun did the same till both of their bodies crashed together for a hug, they both laughed at their silliness. “Oh my god, Injun-ah! This is like our third graduation together. we’ve been together for so long!” Donghyuck said while shaking his friend “Hey, hey, stop shaking me. It’s not like I wanted to be with you for those years!” Renjun let out jokingly while calming his best friend down. Donghyuck chuckled while making a face and said “You won't and can’t let me go Junnie, I’ll be with you forever!”
You’re my only constant in this world, Hyuck. Of course I have no plans of letting you go, Renjun thought while staring at his friend in front of him with full admiration. He then embraced him in a hug while patting on his head and Hyuck did the same to him. This feels so good.
Renjun and Donghyuck went to their friend group to take a photo together. They try so hard not to ask about their plans for college to not change the atmosphere in the room. Renjun saw Yangyang, his classmate-turned-close friend for three years, running to him and he welcomed him with a hug. “Renjun! we finally did it!” the latter exclaimed, exchanging their congratulations to each other. Renjun scanned the room to find him but he was nowhere to be found. He found Jeno, though, and he was with Donghyuck taking a picture together. He went to them, “Hmm, should I take it for the both of you?” he offered while showing off a grin and giving a look to his friend. “Oh that would be nice, Renj,” Jeno replied while nudging Donghyuck.
“Thank you and goodbye Jeno. Now, let’s go Junnie!” Donghyuck exhales and snatches Renjun out of the area.
Renjun did not see him after the ceremony.
Silence.
In his bedroom, Renjun waited in silence for Jaemin's text. It has been an hour since they finished the family dinner dedicated to celebrating his high school graduation. It's okay, Renjun. At this point, you’re used to it, he calmed himself. This will probably be the last time, we should take our time, he continued. As he scrolled on his camera roll to check the photos he had taken with his friends and classmates earlier, a message notification popped.
Aa Jaem
hi
sorry it took so long hehe
u still up?
im outside your house btw :)
In that four set of ping, Renjun felt himself tearing up a little
hey!
yes, im still awake hahaha
‘kayy! will come down in a min :)
Engulfed in silence, they both walked the streets to their favorite place.
Jaemin opened the glass door and the bell chimes signaling the baristas of a new customer. Instead of reciting their same script, they greeted both Renjun and Jaemin with congratulations for their high school graduation. With a shy smile, they thanked the baristas and went to their spot; where they always sit when cramming or hanging out.
“Woah I never expected that, how did they know that we graduated today?” Renjun laughs as he sits. It’s not like he’s unaware of the many times he’d hang out here, if anything, he should probably own a loyalty card for the number of times he visits this cafe.
“We’ve been hanging out here, of course they'd know what our school is,” Jaemin laughs as well, “So, your usual drink?” he asks the older. “Uhh no? I’ll get an iced matcha latte instead” Renjun answers, unsure yet determined - after all, this is the first step of going against the usual.
Silence.
The comfortable silence sits between them just like the way it was before.
Both have been exchanging glances ever since Jaemin came back from ordering a drink. “Uhh-” both said in unison, “Oh you go first–” again, in unison, making them laugh. “No, seriously, Jun-ah, you go first,” Jaemin insisted, still laughing from the incident.
On the contrary, Renjun’s mind is filled with a myriad of questions. The silence is killing him, it’s becoming unbearable. “Where do you think you will be 7 years from now?” He asked, his voice barely audible. In an attempt to avoid Jaemin’s gaze, he stared out the window.
Jaemin chuckled softly, his lips forming a wistful smile, “That’s a lot of years, Junnie. A lot can change,” he replied, his voice tinged with sadness. He turned to Renjun, searching for his eyes, “Why do you ask?”
Do you think we’ll be strangers by then?
Renjun shrugged off the thought, “Just curious, I guess,” stirring his drink, “We’ve known each other for so long, it’s hard to imagine.” He mumbled, stealing a glance over Jaemin, who seemed to be lost in thoughts.
Unbeknownst to him, Jaemin knew. He knew where this conversation was headed, and he was dreading it. But he, too, was waiting for this to come.
Silence enveloped them once again.
After a moment, Renjun cleared his throat, breaking the uncomfortable silence between them. “Jaem, what we had- what we had, what did we have?” Renjun asks with a shaking voice and an already half-empty drink. “Did-did I misinterpret what we had? Or you felt it too?” he continued, now looking up to stop his tears. “I don’t know, Jaem, please let me know,” He sighs, mustering the courage to look Jaemin in the eye.
Jaemin met his gaze with a mixture of sadness and regret. He didn’t know where to start. He already had an answer but he didn’t know where to start.
Jaemin took a deep breath, his voice and hands trembling, “Jun,” he starts, “I felt it too, whatever we had. I was with you.” He confessed. However, Renjun anticipates. “However, I didn’t want to lose you, to lose us. I was a coward and it went on for years, that’s why we’re here now, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry about everything. Really.” Jaemin continued with his voice barely whispering and a hint of a pained expression.
“But you won’t lose me, Jaem. You said you were there too, so how will you lose me?” Renjun asks with a plea and a now-finished drink. “You were aware but you didn’t do anything about it. You let me feel things without a certainty we’ll become something. What difference does it make?” he continued.
“I didn’t wanna lose you. Renjun, I love you, I love us, I love what we had but what if we fail? I will lose you still. I don’t want that—” “So you’ll settle for friends? Friends who have a thing?” Renjun cuts him off. “We were never really friends for me, Jun. I wanted to have something with you,” with Jaemin’s statement, Renjun’s frustration grew higher but he let Jaemin speak, “I wanted to have something with you but I don’t want to possibly lose you, and I know I already did.” Jaemin said as if he had given up.
He did not like that. How can someone look hopeful and discouraged at the same time? In all the years they’ve been together, did he not trust him? Did he not see his sincerity? He feels awful, as he looks at the person in front of him. “If I tell you that you won’t and that we can try, will you do it with me?”
Renjun said as he let out an exasperated sigh. He set an ultimatum, the last time, he wanted to do this for the last time – He was tired, waiting for someone to be his, waiting for him and begging for him.
How can someone be so kind? Jaemin believes that after everything, he didn’t deserve him. A heart as pure and kind as Renjun’s didn’t deserve a heart as cowardly and broken as Jaemin. Choosing – all that’s left to do is to choose between two things – one where there’s certainty but might still lose him and one where he’ll lose him at all. But he’s already chosen, it’s himself.
He let out a deep sigh before speaking and stared at his untouched drink, “In seven years… where do you think you’ll be in seven years, Jun?” he returned the question to the person who asked him the same question.
Renjun shuts his eyes tightly after hearing the same question, “In seven years, I want to see myself with you,” he answers as he opens his eyes, finding Jaemin’s eyes. “I would want to see myself with you.” He said with finality while looking at his eyes.
“I want it too. Oh baby, I would want it too,” the latter says as he looks down, breaking the eye contact, but, “But I want to be someone who’s deserving for you when that happens. I want to be the best version of me when that happens. Will you let me?” he asks, another question, he knew this would happen, the older nodded tiredly, the younger then snakes his hand to Renjun’s hand and squeezes it tightly, “I hope you don’t waste those seven years waiting for me. I, too, wouldn’t waste my time. I promise you that, Junnie,” He said with finality.
“When our paths cross again, after seven years, three, or five, I promise you that I will never waste my time. Our time. We’ll leave it to the universe, that’s what we always say, right? If we’re for each other, then we’re for each other.” He continued as he rubbed his thumb over the elder’s hands.
“I will not wait for you, I will not waste my years again for you,” Renjun repeated, “I loved you, Jaem. Had I known this would happen I would’ve asked you the question. Had I known this would happen I wouldn’t befriend you. But I don’t regret everything with you. We’ll leave it to the universe, Jaem. I will not be a stranger to you.” He added, not letting Jaemin have the last talk.
Leaving the untouched drink, Jaemin stands up offering his hands to Renjun, “Let’s go? It’s getting late. We wouldn’t want your mom to get angry at you, no?” he asks, “Coward! She knows I’m with you, she wouldn’t get angry.” The latter answers, ignoring his hand.
Silence.
The walk onto the older’s house is filled with a deafening silence and brushing hands. However, more than everything, both hearts were heavy. The weight of their conversation hung between them, unspoken words and unresolved feelings lingering in the air.
As they reached the last corner before Renjun’s house, Jaemin briefly paused, “What college will you go to?” he asked, his voice gentle and sorrowful. Renjun, on the other hand, didn’t stop and continued his walk, saying, “I still don’t know, but I hope it’s not the same as you.”
As they reached Renjun’s house, he stopped and turned to face Jaemin. “Can we hug?” his voice cracks and his eyes shine with unshed tears. “I will miss you, Jaem, so much. More than you’ll ever know.”
Jaemin didn’t hesitate. He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Renjun, pulling him into a tight embrace. They stood there for a few minutes, holding onto each other as if trying to imprint the moment into their memories forever.
“We look so silly hugging in the middle of the street, but I don’t care,” Jaemin said softly as they finally let go. “I will miss you more than you’ll ever know too, Junnie. This may be hard but this is what we needed. I love you too, more than you’ll ever know.”
As they let go of each other, Renjun turned and walked towards their house, Jaemin watched him go with an eyes filled with visible sadness and acceptance. That night, Renjun cried to his mother, something he did whenever he felt overwhelmed with his emotions. And Jaemin spent a sleepless night with thoughts of Renjun and what could have been.