Work Text:
Right away, I know what I have to do.
After slaying the Archdemon, the calling stopped being a distant chant, and began ringing in my ears.
After the battle, I knew I didn't have much time to live anymore. Now, there is a huge banquet in the main hall. People laughing and dancing, for the Blight is gone.
I try to eat. To enjoy my last decent meal, but it all feels like sand in my mouth. I thought I would have more time, I really did. Seems like yesterday that my father promised my hand in marriage to an elf I didn’t know. I also thought I could have a happy ending. Oh, how foolish I was.
There he is, at the opposite head of the table, the object of my deepest love and desire. He avoids my gaze and I understand why. But I have to look at him, to take in every inch, every shade of him, for soon my memories will be the only thing keeping me company in the Deep Roads. I only wish I could hear his voice, sweetest honey to my ears. I wish I could take one last joke with me, to carry my heart lightly under the ground. He told me that he would be gone tomorrow for business and back in a week, to oversee reparations at Ostagar. And to say goodbye. But he didn’t say that, of course.
I didn’t tell him that I won’t be here in a week; or in a day, for that matter. An hour after his departure, I will be leaving for Orzammar.
I guess I did it out of cowardice. Funny, how being a Warden is supposed to be the bravest career choice. Yet here I am, sitting across from the love of my life, and I can’t summon the balls to tell him that he will never see me again.
Maybe I don’t want it to be real. If I don’t tell him, if I don’t have to look at his face when he realizes, maybe it won’t feel real.
After a handful of hours that feel entirely too short, the party dies down. As I stand to leave, he meets my eyes. I’m glad I will be able to remember his own in my final moments.
I drag myself onto the bed, Biscuit curling up to me, and sleep gets to me sooner than I thought would be possible, for a woman on death row.
I watch him as he leaves. He’s busy talking to an advisor. I know he hates it, and yet he’s such a natural at it. He is so kingly now, but I know it shouldn’t surprise me, I’ve always thought he was.
The preparations for my departure are over before I would want them to be. A servant knocks on the door, breaking my trance.
“A message for you, Commander. It was left by the King.”
“Thank you. Dismissed.”
I take the piece of scroll into my hands, holding it as gently as I can, afraid that something might happen to it.
“I love you, and I always will, more than anything, more than life itself.
No, Leliana didn’t help me craft this message. Could you tell, my love?
Always yours, and nobody else’s,
Alistair.”
Maker, I should have told him. Maker forgive my mistake, please let me go back in time and tell him. I just want to tell him, to see him, to feel him as he holds me. Maker, oh cruel Maker, I just wish I had more time, just a little more time, Maker, please.
I don’t even notice when the tears start falling. And suddenly I’m on the floor, gasping for air.
Forgive me, my love, forgive me.
After some time, my body starts to move on its own. Through the tears, I manage to write a message for him to find when he returns. Then I storm off, out of the Fort, saying goodbye forever to my life and happiness.
As I ride for Orzammar, a smile crosses my lips. It seems that he read my mind, for he left me with one last witty one-liner to take with me into the darkness.
At Ostagar, a letter sits patiently next to a rose, waiting to be opened.
“My love,
I’m sorry for the way it had to be. I’m sorry for the paths the Maker gave us. I have left word not to tell you of my departure until you come back, but by the time you read this letter, someone will surely have told you.
I started hearing the Calling right after slaying the Archdemon. I know I should have told you, but I couldn’t, and I hope you will forgive me.
I leave for the Deep Roads with only two certainties: that I love you, and that I’m going to die soon.
I love you with all my being, and want you to know that the light you gave me every time we were together, every time you touched me, will guide me through the darkness. I leave the rose, that rose, with you. You once spared her from a terrible fate and I want to do the same, perhaps because I can’t do it with myself. I hold one of her petals next to my heart, to remind me that you’re still with me.
I’m sorry that it had to be this way. I’m sorry that our fates were cruel, that it ends like this. I hope that in another world, a less cruel one, we can be together.
I have to go, my love. They’re calling me. My time is up. My last moments will be spent thinking of you.”