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There are a few things that Jimin knows he would be a lot happier without; one of them being memories of his past friends’ still being vivid in his mind, even if they haven't spoken to each other for the past few months (it’s actually been years, it feels like much less though). And it’s not like it burns on a daily basis either, but every time he manages to forget, something happens that makes them miss them even harder.
And memories don’t usually torment him, on a daily basis he actually tends not to think about the past at all, but there are nights when he just lays in the darkness of his room and wonders about all the “what ifs” that could have been if he were just a bit more courageous during his high school days.
(What if all but one sincere talk with them was the dealbreaker for keeping them in his life for longer than until the end of the school year? runs through his head on those nights like a broken record.)
✁✁✁
Talking with other girls at school was never Jimin’s strength, to be honest, especially when it came to discussing the stereotypically “girly” topics, like make-up or boys and feelings. The first one… he just wasn’t knowledgeable enough about it to feel comfortable joining the others in their conversations, whereas the second topic… for some reason, while he knew he indeed liked the boys just like the girls in his class like them, he also had this weird itch under his skin telling him that his and theirs attraction weren't equal, that they were actually very much not the same thing at all. That, while on the surface both meant they wanted to hold the boy's hand, at their cores, it was something inherently different. He just wasn't able to pinpoint what it actually was, what bugged him like that.
(If only he knew back then.)
✁✁✁
It’s a chilly day when one of the older boys from their dancing club approaches Jimin, and she feels so overjoyed yet confused and lost at the same time. It’s because they did spend some time together, though it was always for their practices, and she didn’t consider herself memorable enough to get approached like that by a senior. That’s why when he asks Jimin to take her out for a walk and maybe some food, Jimin’s first instinct is to decline, but, against the voices in her head, she agrees. She tells herself that he asked for a walk, not for a date, and she vows to herself that if she ever gets a hunch of there being any expectations from his side, she will be straightforward with him. She promises herself to tell him how she feels and that she's got some things to figure out, yet to emphasize that if he wants to hang out until she gets her shit together, she'd be overjoyed.
(It’s because even if they have spent only as much time as they could together, given the first semester of school for her just ended, and the summer vacations are approaching, she already knows he’s someone she would like to keep in her life (heart).)
And to be honest, Jimin thought that Hoseok, as most high school boys usually do, would be offended and decline the friendship. She genuinely expected that he’s looking for someone who's easier to be with, but the older one just smiled with his heart-shaped smile, and said he’d be happy to be there for her. That he doesn’t want to lose someone like her if all it takes to keep her in his company was to be her friend.
(She hadn't known that then, but that smile quickly became her strength and her light when the days got dark and living just for herself was harder than it would be for the usual person.)
✁✁✁
The first time she realizes how important Hoseok is to her is during one of the many PE lessons. She and her female classmates always played low effort volleyball during them, and it took only a few weeks of the semester for the lessons to turn into gossip hours, when they would gush about all the handsome boys in their school and everyone's relationship statuses.
That’s how she finds out that Hoseok is actually pretty popular amongst the girls, and that they all noticed him approaching her a few weeks back. They all together drown her in questions after she admits that she indeed went out with him. For some reason, as much as most of them are innocent ones – ones that she happily answers, just happy for once her classmates want to talk to her – some other questions make her feel quite uneasy.
When she’s asked whether they were dating, she says they are just talking now, unaware of the fact that despite his sunny and open persona, Hoseok is considered so unapproachable on the dating grounds that “only talking” is still deemed a win. The fact shocks her to her core, considering it’s the last thing she would take Hoseok for. (Inside she feels like that squiggly, squeezy mess that countless teens do, when they realize they are special in some way.)
When she’s asked what they did together, the words almost spill from her mouth like water from an overflowing sink – she’s that eager to gush about their hangout now, that someone wants to listen.
Jimin earns herself quite a few of ohhhh’s and ahhhh’s, them along with the memories of that afternoon turning her even more into a giggly mess, to the point she almost misses the ball that’s passed to her. She gathers herself together after that, trying to pay attention again, but then she hears another question, and that’s the one that makes her surprisingly anxious at the expectation of even having to answer that.
“Did you do it together?”
It comes from one of the girls that she always deemed as more mature as the rest of the classmates. Maybe it’s the fact that she started using make-up at the very young (according to Jimin’s mother at least) age of fourteen, or maybe it’s the fact that she’s got the most developed breasts out of all the girls in their class at the age of almost sixteen, or maybe it’s the fact that she already had two boyfriends, the current one being almost three years older than them all.
Maybe it’s the fact that she’s the only one to ask openly about something like this.
No matter what makes it for her to be seen as such, all Jimin can think about is how nauseous she suddenly feels, how all the previous happiness leaves her in seconds, draining from her body like blood would do from an open aorta.
“What?” Jimin asks quietly, full of disbelief, hoping she just heard the older girl wrong, but no, she repeats her questions, adding even more force to it, almost as if she were demanding an answer. It makes Jimin lose balance, both internally and outwardly, sudden shame filling her body.
“No?” she half answers, half asks, unsure why the other is so focused on earning that information. “We just talked,” she repeats, feeling a need to make it clear.
It earns a gleeful sigh out of the older girl, followed by a satisfied smirk.
“It means he’s still not off the table,” she states loudly, making Jimin’s head spin even harder as she tries to guess the other’s intentions.
(Jimin doesn’t do well with that, earning no solid conclusion neither by the end of the period, nor by the end of the day, as she lies in her bed in silence.)
((It doesn’t help that Hoseok is away for some tournament, so she isn’t able to talk to him either because who would be able to help her make sense out of the situation she found herself in if not him?))
✁✁✁
There are some things that over the years didn’t change, even if Jimin and Hoseok together did. Hoseok outwardly is still his bubbly, easy-going self, that trait never taken away even by the time spent in the military, even if he did mature some more, even if his posture is now more steady than back in high school. And Jimin… Jimin is still mostly his radiant persona, even if life tried to dull his light so harshly in the past, but there are days, moments when the past catches up to him, leaving him wondering.
“What are you thinking about, love?” resonates through their quiet bedroom, announcing Hoseok’s arrival.
His appearance startles Jimin, bringing him back to earth rapidly, even if the older whispered his name ever so softly even before he entered the room, knowing far too well how the younger is when he gets lost in his thoughts. Jimin sighs and just groans, extending his arms towards the older, his hands gesturing for him to come into the bed where he’s splayed out already.
He starts speaking only after he’s able to feel Hoseok’s body covering his own, the older’s weight grounding him, his head on his chest bringing him the familiar feeling of safety and familiarity.
“I saw my old classmate while running errands today and started wondering if they even remembered me,” he starts to ramble, “then realized he probably remembers me as the old high school me, and now I’ve been reminiscing, wondering what would have been different if I had figured myself out sooner, you know? Like, what if I had the courage to approach him like you always do, would I be able to have a talk with him about the past, present, and future without feeling weird, you know?” Jimin knows he’s rambling, but there’s no coherent way he would be able to get those thoughts out otherwise. There's a hint of longing in his words too and even more in his voice, but it's not as heavy as it once was, back when everything was far newer and neither Hoseok nor Jimin were sure if what they’ve felt for each other was enough for them to be able to push forward and make it in the cruel world they were sentenced to live in without parting their ways.
Luckily, they managed to prove themselves against the test of time, but it took just as many talks like this for them to come where they are now. Hoseok remembers that and just whispers sweet words in response, as he shuffles around to prop himself up on his elbows and look at the younger.
He takes him in for a second, his beautiful eyes, plump lips, soft cheeks, his disheveled hair. His hand absent-mindedly finds its way to the younger’s face and caresses it slowly, making Jimin’s eyes flutter, closing against his wishes as he nuzzles his boyfriend's palm. Hoseok lets it rest there, brushing Jimin’s hair out of his eyes before he finally speaks.
“If they were anything of a person worth taking the time of your day from you, then they wouldn't make it awkward or at least it wouldn't be long enough to be important, you know? Our high school wasn't the best, but we’ve got a bunch of cool people there too, so if you meet them again, I’d try to approach them if I were in your place. And if you see them when we’re out together, I can always join you, you know? I’m always there for you, whatever you might need me for.” He finishes with a soft kiss on the younger’s forehead that has Jimin giggling and as Hoseok’s kisses follow the curves of his face and then body, the wrinkles of worry finally leave the younger’s face, as if they were never there in the first place.
✁✁✁
The first summer of Jimin’s life as a high-school student came sooner than expected. It made the remaining few days of the semester quite unbearable in the hot interior of the school building, causing the last day of classes to bring even more relief to everyone than usually anticipated. It got to the point where even most of the teachers gave up trying to teach anyone anything, letting their students chatter away on the last day before the break.
And Jimin was never one to love school, which is surprising given her grades, but it still feels bittersweet to her as she walks out of the school building, other students happily striding away as she feels the world get surprisingly small and quiet, the fatigue of the year suddenly catching up to her. It feels like those time lapses in the movies, where the main character stands in the middle of the road, the world still turning, the time still moving, but the character is frozen in place, unable to move or think, forced to just observe.
She takes an unsteady breath in, her ears suddenly ringing, and then there’s a weight on her shoulder, a familiar voice in her ears and, suddenly, everything is back to normal again, even if a bit too loud and overwhelming.
“What were you saying?” she asks quietly and slowly turns her face towards Hoseok, like a sunflower towards the sun, his smile helping her shoulders lose some tension.
“I asked if you’ve got something going on later like usual or if you were free today.” He’s got something in his hand and that eager look in his eyes that tells her he’s really counting on her saying,
“Yes,” she says, and corrects herself almost immediately, “I meant, I’m free today,” she clears up, and Hoseok smiles so bright, any guilt about skipping her training session disappears from her mind. (It’s not like she has been enjoying her time there the past few weeks anyway.)
“Free enough to go and have a picnic with me?” Hoseok asks again and Jimin just stares, unsure if he’s kidding or not, but then he opens his backpack, and oh.
“It’s my gimbap, my mom’s mandus and some other snacks and I have a thermos full of your favourite tea,” he excitedly points to one box after the other, his energy somehow radiating towards Jimin and warming her up inside, making her smile softly.
“Do you mind if we stop by mine, so I can change?” Jimin asks, and there must be something in the way she said it, that makes Hoseok look up and scan her carefully, a worried crease on his face showing. He looks as if he wants to say something, but he stops himself, a smile returning to his face, asking her to guide the way then.
And it’s something so small, yet, for that one warm afternoon, it makes Jimin feel the safest in the whole wide and scary world.
✁✁✁
It became their thing, eventually, those small get-togethers in the community parks, where they would bring home-cooked meals and enjoy them together, enjoying the warmth of the sun and the distant smell of the river.
Their moms took not even a week to notice, their kids being away from school yet still making rations as if for an army in their respective kitchens, with a little nagging also finding out where they go out for whole days if they haven’t entered any new clubs nor study clubs.
(Jimin’s mom is probably the more surprised one since cooking was always one of the least favourite chores for her kid to help with, but at the same time she figures that it makes sense; cooking for yourself and your friend, cooking what you want to eat and not what you are supposed to eat, even to her after some consideration sounds like a fun thing.)
(When, a few days after their talk, Jimin finds a box with sweets prepared by her mom in the fridge, with a carefully calligraphed note “for Jimin” she doesn’t mention it but at the same time hugs her mom a bit closer and with less reluctance, when she comes by Jimin’s bedroom in the evening. It feels like enough.)
(It indeed is.)
✁✁✁
Somewhere near the end of August, they have to put a halt to their meetings, due to Hoseok’s duties as the dance club’s leader. His parents also use that as an opportunity to steal him away from the city and take him with them as they go visit their family in the countryside. It’s quite a lonely week for Jimin, one that she spends texting the older whenever he has service or lounging in bed, thinking too many thoughts per minute, trying to make sense of many of them; starting with Jimin’s weird feelings towards her body, that became even stronger as of late.
It takes Jimin on the venture through the internet, but it's not until she stumbles upon some speech for UNICEF, while doing some homework, that she stops in her tracks and listens. As per Jimin’s knowledge, UNICEF is not an institution dominated by Koreans, so seeing seven Asian men on the stage piques Jimin’s interest, and they're indeed Korean. And although only one of them is speaking and, on top of everything, he’s speaking English, so she has to pay more attention to the recording to understand him without subtitles, she’s enthralled with his words, drinking them up like a thirsty mortal abandoned on the desert would drink water.
He’s telling his story, to this whole room where the majority of people are either white, old or both, yet it brings her so much warmth, causing something weird to start happening in her insides.
And then… and then he’s finishing up, going to the merit of his speech and for some reason his wording is so odd to her that Jimin has to rewind the video a few times before getting it right. Then she goes to check that wording first in a dictionary, then on Google after she finds out Naver search is really unhelpful in this case.
Then they find their people.
(Both the band and, through them, the community that finally helped Jimin make sense of what he was.)
✁✁✁
The days that come after that are strange, filled with a lot of learning and even more asking, but for the first time in a while they feel like they’re going somewhere, in a direction that isn't totally unclear to them.
When Hoseok comes back to the city, the first thing he does is call – given his service is back to normal – and ask if Jimin has time to hang out in their usual spot. (Jimin has time for him always, though for a moment, they consider declining just because they're unsure how to go about what they learned, about what made them feel this icky these past months about themselves.)
(They go, in the end.)
(It turns out to be a lovely afternoon, even if much shorter than usual, since neither of them had time to prepare food, given Hoseok came almost straight from home after arriving and Jimin spent the last few days shut in their bedroom.)
✁✁✁
What Jimin realizes, after a few days and two more hangouts with Hoseok, is why they felt weird when someone suggested they liked Hoseok back then, during the school year.
It wasn't because they didn’t like him, no. I was more because they didn’t like Hoseok in the way girls liked boys, which was what they was looking for when asked. During those afternoons though, they realize that they indeed like Hoseok, very much so actually, it’s simply that they like him in the way boys liked boys. Theoretically, these are very similar but also inherently different, at least for their very confused self.
That realization didn’t stop Jimin’s further inner turmoil, though, because after realising that his distress wasn’t coming from them not liking Hoseok or not wanting the older to like them back, no; it was because they were convinced he wasn’t gay and thus would like them for their girl self, the moment they told him being the moment any of his already unlikely to be there feelings would also fade away.
It was both so freeing to finally realize that and utterly terrifying, the possibility of Hoseok finding out and realizing that Jimin wasn’t like other girls. Or the possibility of finding out that Hoseok does indeed only like girls, bringing utter mortification upon Jimin if he were to ever find out about the younger’s crush.
(Some might say that nothing bad would come from that, but Jimin already established that they weren't a girl, so there was that.)
(They haven't exactly established what they were either yet, but that one thing was very easy to exclude, and should be enough.)
Jimin dwells on how to go about their situation for many nights, simultaneously texting the other and again digging through firstly the Korean internet, then the English one. He learns so many new, but also informing words and phrases and histories of other people, sometimes older, sometimes younger. They learn about Lee Kyungeun, about the Wachowski sisters, about up-and-coming actress Laverne Cox. They learn about many lesser known people, and almost cry when they come across a blog of someone who also, like Jimin, was born a girl and confused.
(After they read each and every last post on the blog with their breath caught in their lungs, it’s the first night since their discovery that he goes to sleep, not without worry, but with a bit more hope of having an actual future in this world.)
✁✁✁
It’s a few days after that night, when Hoseok and Jimin are both lying in the grass of the nearby park, their things scattered across the blanket Jimin brought, that Hoseok has his realization too.
The day is going by as the sun shines brightly, its rays finding their way through the leaves of the tree they’re lying under, dancing across their bodies, warming their bodies, putting them in a sleepy state, clearing their minds.
They’ve been talking for hours now, yet as the silence stretches it’s like a warm blanket covering them, so different from the silence Jimin usually experiences when talking to other people. They turn to lay on their side, their arm under their head as they face the older.
Hoseok is laying on his back, his hands joined on his belly. His eyes are closed, probably due to the singular ray of sun that moved over the hours, and now is resting just over under his brows. From that perspective, Jimin can easily observe Hoseok’s profile, the straight line of his nose and the curve of his lips, how his chest is moving slowly as he breathes, almost as if he were asleep.
Jimin is falling asleep too, the background noises of nature and few people around them lulling them to sleep, as he admires the sights from between his lashes. He moves his hand towards the other and lays it on the grass, just millimetres from the older’s hip.
(They could go further, but the courage leave them at the last moment.)
Then Jimin blinks, a one heavy blink.
(He falls asleep, with Hoseok’s shirt under his fingers.)
The next time he opens his eyes, it’s to Hoseok’s almost silent laugh, as the older blows air softly at his nose, trying to wake him up.
“Slept well?” He asks quietly, when he observes the fluttering of the younger’s eyelashes and their eyes searching for something, until they land on Hoseok’s face again.
“I fell asleep?” Jimin asks groggily, his voice an octave deeper than usually, the sound pulling some sting inside Hoseok that he wasn’t even aware existed. As he is experiencing an unexpected inner turmoil, Jimin rubs his eyes and blinks a few times, trying to bring his more awake self back to earth, unaware of the older’s thoughts.
There’s a moment, when his eyes are covered by his hand, when Hoseok takes a second to actually look at the younger, and the surge of fondness and adoration that he feels is another thing that catches him off guard. He was aware, ever since they met, that Jimin would be someone special to him, but he never actually expected for his feelings to get this big and serious.
It scares him a little, he doesn’t even try to lie to himself that it doesn’t, yet… as he looks at the younger in front of him, just like he looks whenever they are together, whenever Jimin smiles at him with either of his smiles, he realizes that there is something more important to him that the various simulations of how this all could go to the sewers. His mind supplying him with those visions from time to time wouldn’t be able to destroy his peace, he decides. Jimin’s eyes peek out from behind his hands, and Hoseok smiles. He realizes that no matter what happens, he’s ready to die (live) for this kid, and just hopes Jimin feels at least a fraction of what he does and that it's enough to keep them going.
✁✁✁
There is something in sunbaths that makes a person want to live, they both learn as the summer comes to an end, and the school year’s resuming comes closer. Jimin and Hoseok both talk about wishing for those hangouts to keep happening, but even if their words hold so much hope, they both know there’s no way they’ll manage to find more than one afternoon during the school week for that with both their schedules packed to the brim.
(So when the last afternoon before they have to come back to the school grounds comes, they both decide to take as much as they can and experience it to the fullest.)
✁✁✁
The sun is warm on their skin as they lay on the grass in the post lunch daze, stomachs full and happy. Jimin has their eyes closed, warm all over, mind drifting somewhere far where they don’t even notice the sounds surrounding them, so when Hoseok shifts closer they don't even notice at first – only when he accidentally nudges his arm. Suddenly, she’s reminded of all the things she’s been agonizing over during his absence, and then even more after he came back.
Jimin keeps his eyes closed, not wanting for the moment to stop, but then they feel Hoseok’s hand taking their hand into his, and an involuntary shudder runs through her body. It reminds him about the few things about their relationship he ever dared to wonder about, making Jimin feel as if the world were laughing into her face, determined to show her what they could’ve had if she were normal.
Jimin squeezes his eyes shut, so hard he sees white spots in the darkness behind his eyelids. He must have shuddered again because the next thing he hears is Hoseok’s worried voice above him.
“Jimin? Is it not okay? What is wrong, talk to me,” he says, his voice breaking with concern.
When he lets his eyes open, they see his worried expression as he hovers over them, their hand still carefully in his.
“Nah, it’s just…” Jimin starts, voice suddenly gone and unwilling to cooperate just when they need it the most. “I was just thinking about some things and didn't expect that,” they finally settle on saying, worrying their lip for a moment, before they finally blurt out;
“You do know, I’m not a girl, do you?”
They expect Hoseok to jump away, to leave and push their hand away, but he’s still there, his presence ever so solid next to him, as their thoughts get so tangled again, as their eyes close once more under the weight of their worries. He expects Hoseok to ask, to demand answers, but he just sits there, gently caressing his hand before finally speaking.
“I didn’t, but does that change anything in between us or…?” he asks, as if it were the most important part of the problem for him. (It wasn't an issue in the first place, it turns out, and that part is, indeed, the most significant aspect of the situation. For some people, it’s just easy, like that.)
“No, it doesn’t change anything, not for me at least,” Jimin finally says, ever so softly, almost breathlessly.
(The first thing that Jimin does before realizing how okay that was for Hoseok though is bursting out crying and hugging the hell out of the older, almost taking the breath out of him with the way how strongly they hold him – as if their life depended on it.)
(Maybe his life did depend on him.)
(Later, the memories of the afternoon become ever so blurry in their head, overcome with the hurricane of emotions that went through Jimin that day, but at the same time, they are definitely associated with the warmth that both the older and the sun hovering above them provided.)
✁✁✁
Ever since their talk with Hoseok, Jimin tried to let his guard back down, but to his surprise, it took far more time than he expected for him to cross paths with his past friend again. And it’s not even him who starts the conversation either, it’s more like…
“Jimin?”
…he hears a startled question right behind himself, making him realize only then that the other was near him in the first place. Which isn’t ideal at all, but he reminds himself that he promised Hoseok he’ll be brave and get it sorted out so it doesn’t bother him anymore, so he could finally either move on or reintroduce himself to his past friends and maybe even introduce some of them to his current friend circle too.
Following his resolution, Jimin counts to ten, trying to get himself together as his thoughts start buzzing in his head, his anxiety spiking. He takes a deep breath, collecting himself, and slowly turns around, an awkward smile on his lips present, as he tries not to flee. “Hi?” he says with hesitation, his voice almost breaking as he looks up at the person behind him. The man is easily taller than him, wider too and, what's most important, not the person he expected when he heard his name being called, not the person he saw just a moment ago an aisle or two away.
“Seokjin-ssi?” he asks hesitantly, easily recognizing his face. He was one of the teacher’s assistants that worked at his and Hoseok’s school for his last two semesters after the older’s graduation, and taught Jimin’s class through his whole stay there. He must have remembered the name right because the older’s face lightens up momentarily.
“Yeah, that’s me, I'm glad you remember, or it would have been awkward,” he responds instantly, chuckling to himself. “You changed a lot too, I almost didn’t recognize you,” he adds and suddenly halts his words as if mid-sentence, the train of thoughts that’s riding through his brain visible even to Jimin, even if he’s just a bystander. As the silence stretches Jimin he starts to worry his lip, the nerves coming back, and just as he’s opening his mouth to excuse himself and run away, Seokjin finally bursts.
“It’s still Jimin, right?” he asks, a set of questions and explanations immediately following. “I’m sorry if it’s the wrong way to ask, but I can’t think of any other way to word it, but I realized you might have started using a different name or something and didn’t want to start catching up before clearing that up.” Seokjin looks physically distressed at the thought of offending Jimin with his question, and suddenly Jimin remembers his boyfriend’s words, about people who are worth giving them your time, that they will care, and he feels a surge of warmth flooding his body, a genuine smile replacing the nervous one.
“Yeah, it’s still Jimin, it’s been actually a blessing that it works both ways because both me and hyung really liked it,” he explains, and Seokjin visibly deflates, the look of concern leaving his face, bringing back his youthful appearance.
“I’ll remember that. And it’s good to hear you’ve got someone by your side during that time.” Seokjin’s remark is just an observation, yet it proves that he knows a thing or two about the struggles of queer people and adding to that the earlier somewhat courteous way of asking for Jimin’s name, Jimin’s conviction that the older is at least an ally makes him fully at ease, the only nerves remaining caused by the rather human feeling of anxiety that spikes when meeting someone one once looked up to.
“Yeah, that surely helped a lot,” Jimin says, his voice trailing off, but before the silence manages to stretch out too much, Seokjin butts in with another cheeky remark, a joke about a recent event in the pop-culture world. Jimin doesn’t even know if it was intentional on the older’s side, but is relieved to leave the deep conversation behind them and turn towards something safe and familiar. They talk a bit about the weather, the incoming summer break that, much to their amusement, still affects both their schedules, surprisingly given they met last time over five years ago when both of them were about to graduate from their respective schools.
They finally start moving again, after mutually deciding to venture deeper into the store together, but only manage to go around the corner though when Seokjin’s phone rings. He picks it up hastily, his face’s expression shifting from confusion towards something Jimin would interpret as worry. He finishes the call soon and looks apologetically at the younger, his body almost vibrating as he looks for words, his mouth opening and closing several times but no words leaving it.
“Go, I can guess it's something urgent,” Jimin says softly instead of waiting, only a bit sad that their meeting was cut short, even if he didn't expect it even to happen in the first place when he started his day.
“Can I at least get your KakaoTalk? So we could arrange a proper hang out over coffee or something,” Seokjin proposes with relief, taking Jimin by surprise. He opens his mouth to express that, but the older one beats him to it once again. “If it works for you, of course, but I would love to talk to you more if it were up to me.”
Jimin isn't able to even say anything to that, so he just takes out his phone and opens the app. He gives the older his info and the second after Seokjin types it into his phone, the older hurries off towards the check-out line with the little things he managed to put into his basket during all the time he spent in the shop still in his hold.
It's silent without him around, Jimin notices absent-mindedly after pulling himself out of the stupor and returning to his cart. Slowly, he starts cross-checking his grocery list with the things he put in there, his phone abandoned in his bag.
The next minute he hears a notification from his phone and when he opens it, it’s an emoji of a running man, sent from a new contact, that he saves as Seokjin. He continues his shopping then, a little content smile plastered to his face, covering the feeling of surprise that he ever got a message at all.
He maybe even replies later, even if the message wasn't one that had much substance to it, their conversation flowing easily throughout the day after that.
It’s easy, delightfully easy even, and so different from what Jimin usually feels when he’s having conversations with people who aren’t his closest friends. (He’s having an actual conversation!)
It’s probably simply because Kim Seokjin is just easy to connect with like that. Possibly, some people wouldn’t like that realization, but Jimin finds that he doesn’t mind, for once, the conversation being initiated by the other party and not him.
✁✁✁
When asked, Jimin would answer that the last year at high school was the hardest thing Jimin had to ever do. He wishes it were caused by the oncoming SAT’s, but it was more connected with all the juggling of friendships and truths and half-truths that he had to take care of all the time. All of it was piling up throughout the year, constantly not letting him feel as relaxed during the school days as he used to when his boyfriend was still around and not a city away in his university’s dormitories.
Joining him and leaving that place was the only thing that sometimes made Jimin remember why he was even still trying to go on in the first place. It’s actually why he now put even more stress onto doing well in school and earning excellent grades, to the point he almost dropped taekwondo. It was only Hoseok’s and his parents’ nagging about him needing at least one thing to do that wasn’t studying during the week that made him agree to just cut down on the trainings and go to the club only twice a week. Compared to the four times he did for the past few years, it was a big change not only for him, but his friends from the club too, but they all had to manage. It was a change he chose, though, and swore to himself nothing will stop him from achieving his goals.
And on top of that, for the first time in his eleven years-long education career, he finally realized why the school uniforms bothered them, making it even harder for him to attend school.
He wasn’t the brave one to actually do something about that, it’s some freshman that got it in herself and made her friends back her up and go ask the school board to let the students choose which version of uniform they wear, along with mandating lengthening the basic version of the skirt.
(He never really checked who started that small revolution, but the day he heard the director’s announcement he told his parents he’s donating his part of the uniform and asked them to buy him the trousers the boys wore, not even willing to wait for them to accidentally come up with women’s cutting, he’s not letting himself pass the opportunity to have a proper pair of them with a proper pockets and such.
For the first time in a while, his parents didn't fight him about the way he dressed himself up, and he was eternally grateful for that, still not sure how to come out to them, but that's the problem he realized he’ll deal with when he has to. (The time before any exams that held such weight over his future wasn't a time for that.)
✁✁✁
After that, the school year started going smoothly for him, until, of course, something happened because change… change has always been an issue for Jimin, be that something as big as moving homes or as small as a routine’s adjustment because his bus changed its route, forcing him to wake up just a bit earlier to make sure he still arrives at school on time.
So when their physics teacher announces that she will be having a practitioner join her to fulfil his mandated by university internship and that she will be making him take over her classes so he can get a hang of teaching better during his internship, Jimin’s not joyous, like the rest of his class, no, he’s actually internally fuming.
(The issue’s more with the fact that their teacher is the only decent one in their school, and he already struggles with physics enough, to now have to make more time in his schedule for it given the new guy will be a newbie and will probably stutter through the lessons, either reading from their coursebook or… Jimin wasn't even sure what else one could do wrong, but at the same time couldn't stop himself from feeling sceptical about the future of his education. That's just how he was, though, unwilling to join any more hagwons and quite content that for once whatever he was taught at school was enough to suffice him through both the tests and year-end exams.)
(No sane student would pass a teacher like that lightly.)
✁✁✁
The week following Seokjin and Jimin’s accidental re-meeting is filled with strings of messages exchanged between each other, nothing too deep, until they find themselves in one of Jimin’s favourite restaurants for the promised hangout. It’s a one where Jimin already knows what he wants to order before they even enter, leaving him one less thing to worry about.
They both order some kimchi jjigae and seasonal fruit tea, Seokjin choosing to trust the younger after he hears that Jimin is a regular there. They manage to go through half of their respective teapots and almost as much of their dishes, before they wrap up the small talk and Seokjin finds it in himself to start asking any deeper questions’ though still keeping the conversation light.
It’s exactly what prompts Jimin to shyly admit that he did indeed like the older’s lessons, and he actually manages to say a word or two about that without blushing furiously from embarrassment.
“What made you think this highly of me, I was literally bullshitting through your classes and making everything up on the spot from nerves the first few times I taught you all on my own,” Seokjin almost instantly butts in and deflects, having never heard a good word about his early years of teaching aside from his first internship supervisor.
(Seokjin is seriously convinced the younger’s just being nice to him.)
“That's… literally also the lessons that made me stop being so harsh on you and actually give you a chance, Seokjin-ssi,” Jimin says sheepishly, remembering how much he hated the older even before he came to their class for the first time, all of his assumptions getting the best of him.
“Oh,” Seokjin breathes, suddenly his words all caught up in his throat. And it’s not like the younger’s opinion mattered because of who he was – they were never close up until now, but also that’s precisely why it matters now the most – Jimin is the outsider, the one that knew Seokjin for just his teaching skills and given how good of a student he were back in high school, he had the authority in Seokjin’s mind to judge him accordingly. And his first days as a teacher were the ones that moulded him the most, to be honest, so to hear someone speak about their experience with him is… a lot.
“But yeah, you’ve got that charisma in you, one that wouldn’t be expected from some physics enthusiast, but maybe I should have given up my biases even earlier, considering you also didn’t have the looks of a stereotypical loser either,” Jimin explains and joins Seokjin as he laughs heartily, before his mind manages to catch up with his words and realize how many times throughout his small tirade he might have offended the older if he weren’t any less relaxed and self-confident. (He still apologizes at least twice before he believes Seokjin’s reassurances that it's alright, and pretty spot on description of a big chunk of his uni friends.)
“It's good to know that I had that in me from the start, though if you want to know, I remembered just fragments of that day, I was that stressed. I think it all worked out because my previous year at uni just taught me well enough to fake it ‘till I make it.” There's nostalgia in his voice and Jimin feels the urge to ask him to go more into depth and explain what exactly he means by that, but he decides that maybe he should leave that for some future meet up, when their relationship is not that fresh and fragile.
The realization that he already expects their relationship to reach that level brings him an odd sort of comfort, that he didn’t really expect, especially not all those years ago, when their paths crossed for the first, glorious time.
(It wasn’t glorious at all, actually.)
✁✁✁
Jimin remembers the day he saw Seokjin for the first time, for whom he really was as if it were yesterday – it’s one of those things he probably will never forget, and he made his peace with that. It was a chilly September afternoon, and he was resting at his desk from the loudness of the school’s cafeteria, the rest of his classmates either still eating lunch or outside catching these last rays of late summer sun.
At some point, he took out his hoodie from his backpack and placed it neatly bundled up on his desk, before propping it on his arms and laying down with it acting as a cushion on his desk. It was a new development that his boyfriend showed him when he visited a few weekends earlier, a trick he learned at uni to catch up on sleep in between lectures without straining his neck as much as normally a nap in a position like that would. (Maybe by doing so, Jimin tried to pretend they're just napping together in the library, like they used to before Hoseok had to move away to the dormitory at the start of the academic semester.)
He almost managed to doze off too, his mind pleasantly empty and his body light as if he were swimming, when he heard the door open and someone walked in, closing the door behind them. It brought him just a bit closer to earth, but yet not close enough to be willing for his curiosity to take over him and make him look up and check who entered the room. (It’s not like it matters, he reasoned with himself in the back of his mind, if the person wanted anything with him, they would approach him either way and until then, sleep should be his priority.)
It's only when he heard rustling and even louder rumbling, that he started paying attention to what was happening. It’s one person, he figured, probably unaware of his presence, he added, someone, whose voice is fairly familiar…
“Where is it…?”
Oh yeah, who, if not him?, Jimin thought to himself, when he recognized the voice of their physics teacher’s assistant. The well-mannered part of his brain reminded him that he should have more respect for his elders, even if their existence is like a thorn in his side. The teen part of his brain reminded him that those are literally just his thoughts that he ain't even voicing out, so there’s no real harm in being snarky like that, at least there, though. He zoned out for a moment, arguing with his thoughts, so it took him a second to realize the room wasn’t silent any more, that someone was talking again. Those weren’t his classmates’ voices though either, it’s still only one voice, he pondered, when it struck him – it’s still his TA, that’s talking and… oh.
When he thinks about it now, he isn’t sure what made him think that the older thought of himself as so much better than them, he couldn’t recollect it. Yet when he heard the older quietly talk to himself, first frantically as he read some messages on his phone, before taking a few deep breaths and trying to talk himself through that state, gently reassuring himself that he can do “it” whatever that really was. (Jimin figured early on that he’ll either learn things like these during the lesson or it’s not his business, so he shouldn’t bother wondering.)
It went on for a while, Seokjin preparing the things for the lesson while Jimin observed him quietly from his seat, second after second the sympathy for the older growing, along with the sudden realization that he, too, is just human, on top of also still being in school like them. Maybe it’s the fact that he finally wasn’t hiding at the back of the class but at the front, where Jimin could see his puzzled look on his even younger face, or maybe that’s the Mario sticker on his bag that Jimin didn’t notice earlier. Or maybe it’s Jimin just finally not letting assumptions choose the way he thinks about someone. Whatever it was, it made him take his time observing the older as he prepared the lesson.
Seokjin took his time arranging papers on the teachers' desk and when Jimin noticed the older walk away from his desk, he fell onto his arms again, feigning being sweetly and innocently asleep. He opened back his eyes only when he heard Seokjin rummage through the shelves in the back of the classroom, ones that contained most of the teaching aids their teacher used. Somewhere between him finding what he was looking for and him going back to the front of the classroom, Jimin’s classmates flooded the room, signalling the break was nearing its end, prompting Jimin to start getting ready for the class too.
It took a moment for them all to get seated and quiet after the lunch break, especially because they didn’t see their teacher in the room yet, so Seokjin had to make his presence known, gaining their attention as he finally approached the desk closest to him.
“Hi, as you know, my name is Kim Seokjin, and I’m Miss’s Im teaching assistant,” he started over the sounds of their unending conversations. “She was supposed to have a lecture with you, but she messaged me just a few minutes ago that she won’t be able to make it, so I’m here to take over the lesson as a substitute, since no other teacher was available either.”
A few groans followed his words, and Seokjin had the nerve to smile sheepishly.
“Yeah, I’m aware it’s not the most perfect situation, but I also can’t just say no, so you have to endure this for today. What were we supposed to cover today again…?” Seokjin started, and visibly blanked, (the expression vivid in Jimin’s memory to this day), making a few of the students giggle. He scurried towards the desk again and looked hastily through his papers, before coming back to the blackboard, a page crumpled in his fist, his face beetroot-red, yet he’s standing straight, bravely facing the class full of judgemental teenagers. He stuttered through the topic of the lesson (which’s what Jimin guessed was written on the older’s emotional support paper sheet) and had to correct himself a few times as he mixed up his words, yet, at the same time, with every sentence that fell off his lips his words got more sure, his stance sturdier yet more relaxed at the same time and the blush slowly left his face.
The class went quite smoothly from then on, aside from Seokjin still losing his words once or twice, but it’s never something as disruptive and noticeable as his first mistake, making it really hard for Jimin to really remember why he hated having him in the classroom so much. He even messaged his boyfriend under his desk with the same realization, unable to wait until the end of the period. The antics of their respective teachers were quite often the object of their discussions after all and before he realized, the lesson ended, and Kim Seokjin was back near the teacher’s desk packing his things up, readying himself for the next lesson he must have had in some other part of the building.
“You know what, Yunho-ya?” Jimin asked his friend then, as he watched the teacher’s assistant leave the room. “He ain’t that bad of a teacher as I thought, what do you think?” he added, looking expectantly at the boy’s empty stare, before remembering that Yunho was able to do almost anything but pay attention during physics class, so he never had to care for Jimin’s inner turmoil that concerned the qualifications of their teachers either way. Jimin wasn’t sure, if it was better for Yunho or not. He just hoped his friend would be lucky enough and score enough exam points to be able to do whatever he chooses in his life. (He stopped worrying about his own soon after they met their current teacher, and now he found faith to trust even into the TA’s teachings. Maybe the future wasn’t that bad?)
(The future looked good, in far more ways than Jimin even expected it to, he just had to wait and do his thing patiently, so his efforts could come into fruition. He knows that now and is happy he waited.)
✁✁✁
“How was the meeting?” Hoseok asks the moment Jimin enters their flat from where he’s sitting on the couch, so loose-limbed that Jimin would give his savings to gamble on the fact that the older was asleep just seconds earlier, his hair still cutely disheveled. Jimin takes his time to dress down from his outside garments, stripping down to just his t-shirt. He snatches some indoor shorts and puts them on, before almost sprinting into the room to take his place beside the older and cuddles up into his side, his body perfectly warm and arms inviting.
“I worried more than I should have, you were right in the end,” he answers, hiding his face in the elder's neck, Hoseok’s endeared laugh following.
“It's still okay that you felt scared, love, it’s about not letting the fear go your way after all,” Hoseok rasps, his hand finding its way into Jimin’s hair. It's just a small gesture, but it makes the younger one relax even further, Hoseok’s embrace making him feel as safe as one could.
“You say?” he asks quietly, even though he already knows – he still wants to hear it again.
“I know so, sweetie,” Hoseok says just like the younger one expected him to, his words working miracles and finally helping Jimin relax fully, the nerves of the day finally leaving him. His mind finally goes silent, so silent he doesn’t even hear his phone’s notifications, until the older nudges him to get his attention. “Seokjin-ssi wants to know if you like Mario Kart. And if you do so, he asks whether you prefer at home game night or would feel more comfortable going out,” Hoseok paraphrases, and when Jimin’s head shoots up he realizes the older has his phone in his hand and is reading the pouring in messages from the eldest.
“What?” Jimin half-shouts out, as he takes his phone into his hands and scrolls through the chat, reading through the messages hastily. Just as he finishes, another one comes, this time apologizing, for practically spamming their chat room so soon since their last hangout and possibly overwhelming the younger. Jimin turns around and shows the messages to his boyfriend, his face frozen in shock. “I ain’t dreaming, am I?” he asks, bewildered, and Hoseok chuckles fondly.
“You’re so worthy of each other,” he says. “No you aren’t, this is very much real.”
The smile that breaks into Jimin’s face as he takes Hoseok’s words in, before he scurries to reply to his old-new friend, almost breaks his boyfriend’s heart.
They've known each other for almost ten years, yet sometimes Jimin still is that shy and insecure kid that he met all those years ago in their school’s sports hall. The same one as back all those years ago, despite all the learning and unlearning they went through together. And whenever Hoseok notices that, his body aches with the urge to protect the younger from the world (from his past).
But at the same time…
They’ve known each other for almost ten years, and in all those years it’s the first time Hoseok is able to see Jimin being so at peace with the past, despite his inner demons still residing in his chest, and he realizes, that maybe, finally, they both grew up and started healing.
It's a thought that brings so much peace to him, makes him realize the serenity they were looking so hard for, was finally there – they just had to notice it.
(He likes Mario Kart, especially if paired with good company, and says as such to Jimin so he could forward his words to his friend and set up a date. He figures out, it’s time he met the legendary Kim Seokjin himself, too.)
(Life is as good as it could be, and that's enough.)