Chapter Text
On the first day that I saw it on the news, it was worse than a puncture through my heart, rather a hole in my soul.
I felt a shiver draw through my whole existence, my fingers, my eyes, my lips, they quivered in fear and with a lack of hope, because the one who opened that door to that thing you called hope, had dropped dead before me on live news, fifty seconds ago. I couldn’t bear to face the news and yet my body, there, I froze. The suffocating thoughts of loosing you suddenly clustered my mind; I couldn’t even inhale without feeling as if I would burst. All I wondered was if I could I breathe the once scented snowdrops that we played in the fields we played in when we were younger?
Could I please be brought back to our youth so I could avoid this terror, this catastrophe, this disaster? It paralysed my body, yet I chose to stand up. I chose to saunter to you and find you and lie to myself that your current state was just a faint figment of my insanity. And that you were still here, glimmering on stage like the morning dew descending on the crispy grasses.
Like I said, they were the ones we played in with Snowdrops.
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“I have something I have to tell you Furina,” I could remember that day out of all of the ones we’d spent together, the most. It dried my lips, made my heart burst, I could recall the anxiety I had even just asking you to listen to me.
Your crystals pierced my skin as you looked my way, your eyes were gems, yet when you harboured curiosity, they looked gold. Shining beauty that only derived from your interest. And then it dropped, your excitement, it folded, your cheeks crumpled, lips were licked, and a hair strand was pulled back behind your ear.
“Look…Neuvi, I have something to tell you too.” I should have been able to decipher it, the look on your face, the one of anxiety rather anticipation. You were going through something, yet I was blind to it in my immature boy state, and I just couldn’t grasp what it was at the time.
I was so desperate to believe that you were going to confess to me, amongst the snowdrops, the pond and the bright azure of a sky, that I lost sight of the actual story you would’ve told me long ago.
“Shall we tell each other tomorrow? It’s the last day of the school year, I think that would be a beautiful way to commence in your new endeavours, maybe even our new endeavours,” I coughed and whispered, purposely hiding my voice between embarrassment and the cringey catch lines Wriothesely had taught me.
“What?” You lifted your head from my broad shoulders in confusion.
And then you clicked your fingers, as if something had almost fell into place.
“Right, right. We should tell each other tomorrow, I will. We’ll meet here, and say it at the same time.” Then your fingers intertwined with mine who were three times bigger, a smile began to creep up on my face, to hide it– it was impossible. The anticipation consumed my being because I was convinced you would communicate the same words to me that winter afternoon. I was convinced the weather wouldn’t bother me one bit because our mutual confessions would keep me warm.
Could I have been even more wrong?
On that very day, my sight had not found you.
“Wriothesely? Pardon my intrusion but have you seen Furina?” I’d been at our sanctuary for more than ten minutes after school, assuming you had just been running late. However, our concluding class of the day together was one where we didn’t cross each other’s paths.
“Nope man, check with her friends,” I scratched my hair, checked my surroundings and your friends yet there was not a sight of you in the previous class.
I couldn’t help but saunter back to where our tree stood and grew amongst the snowdrops that cried droplets of dew. I felt comforted by their presences, but it didn’t bring me solace, rather my worry for you engulfed me whole.
Where did you wander off to that day?
The day, the snowdrops died, and my heart along with them at the young sweet age of seventeen.
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“Autopsy reports of Furina de Fontaine’s young body have now been released to the Gardes and all those who are checking into her case. Renown actress, Furina of twenty-nine years passed away shortly after being subject to her violent attack about five days ago…”
The nostalgic memories with Furina had drowned me once again as I watched the ongoing investigation of her corpse on the news, stunned with disillusionment. Initially when I watched this news, I pledged to locate Furina and see the truth– whether she was dead or not, but upon reaching the door I froze. I heard that she’d been supposedly killed by abuse and that poisoned my brain, that single thought. It brought me to my paralysation again.
“Neuvillette are you still watching the news?” Wriothesely imposed into my place with my key, I regretted giving him that. If he didn’t come in, the only person who would have seen me in my groggy state was myself. I couldn’t even handle seeing anyone other than her in this moment.
“Are you alright man?” He took a seat next to me, and his hands patted my shoulder.
“Look, Clorinde and I have already headed to the scene. We just wanted to let you know what we found personally, but we don’t want you getting involved. I mean, it’s been what, five days since you actually found out she died and then you didn’t move or speak. You haven’t eaten in ages, you’re just in constant thought, this isn’t how someone should deal with grief.” His nagging bit at my ears, I chose not to move once again. I was still on the couch, replaying the same video from the one I’d watched before my dreams of confessing to Furina. I was still waiting for someone to reveal what a dull witted prank this was, yet all who came was Wriothesely and Clorinde, saying the same thing over and over.
It turned my tongue bitter, this whole situation…I was completely helpless to it.
And in some type of view, I was responsible for it. I had fault, I couldn’t tell why, but the guilt of not being there for someone who was facing abuse– especially when I identify as a Lawyer…I just couldn’t fathom, how someone could possibly hurt her and get away with it when I existed.
When I was supposed to be there for her.
Comfort her like the snowdrops we used to sit in and hold her like the tree branches that we played on before.
“You’re right, I should–um, I should get up…” even rising felt abnormal. She was never mine, yet I felt like I couldn’t do anything without her.
“I mean, you can take it easy, no one is going to force you to work or anything, just take care of yourself. This loss was hard for everyone, especially you, Navia and Clorinde. But when we get to the bottom of this, I’ll make sure I’ll punish the bastard who put her in this position.” Wriothesely vowed, his eyes sharpened at the thought of the person.
My feelings were parallel to his, it was clear to the media and the whole world who her murder was, yet everyone appeared to have turned a blind eye.
“It’s nowhere near Rocket Science. Why won’t you all just arrest the man who killed her at once?” I staggered in front of him, rubbing my temples in exhaustion.
“You already know it’s not that simple. I mean we arrested her husband sure, but he put up a pretty believable story and she doesn’t have installed cameras nor anything to aid the case, so it’s kind of guess work for other suspects.”
“Pretty believable? That’s ridiculous– I can’t bear to see the world not doing her justice anymore–” as I began to erupt I felt a hand at my wrist.
“Man don’t get all worked up by this, we’ll bring her justice, you don’t have to worry about it. You’ll get yourself overwhelmed,” Wriothesely then stood up, turned around my palm and brought me my feather hair clip that had been on the ground for a bit. I hadn’t taken care of my hair in ages,
“Don’t let this event ruin who you are in the process.”
But he didn’t understand, she was apart of who I was. She built half of my character, I wouldn’t have reached these lengths in life without her efforts in school.
When I tried to communicate that to Wriothesely, he wouldn’t listen, and the suffrage I’d went through had reached it’s peak. I’d realised no one was going to listen, the best thing was to do something about it.
“I’ve got to go,” I pushed past Wriothesely and the obnoxious reports playing on the television.
“Neuvillette, bro wait, don’t do anything stupid! It’s snowing too!” I didn’t listen, it was only natural to reciprocate the ignorance the world had brought me.
Shutting the front door brought me to a blizzard, yet there stood Clorinde sat on the porch. Observing her expression, I assumed she was going to say the same thing as her boyfriend, “don’t do anything stupid. Let us handle it, we know the killer is her husband, but you can’t easily take him down. Listen to us,” storming out of my front yard was the easiest escape to those predictable words of the two.
I knew they both had a point, but the problem was that they weren’t considering the perspective I held. For five days I wallowed in wailing and dejection, lamenting my huge loss. Yet society belittled Furina by not even investigating into her situation to the best of their abilities. They’re trying to cover up and conceal Furina’s deserving justice.
As a Lawyer, I will not stand for that, not ever, and it took me five days to wake up from my sorrowful slumber, but it will not take me more than a day to seek revenge.
As my feet pattered past the snow, I slipped and slithered across the ice, running at a steady pace, panting with every footstep. My heart thumped, yet the sound was overshadowed by the descending snow. It got caught in my hair, landed on my nose, bleached my boots and infiltrated to my toes.
I felt like a living snowman, freezing as I ran, to where, I’m not sure.
The original plan was to find Furina’s husband to confront him, but my realisation came sure and steady that I wasn’t aware of their address.
“Drat…” I scanned the area my feet had passed, the demand of my body was finally coming into play, as I began to pound in every area.
One sneeze led to another sneeze, and I’d concluded my nose was red. My eyes were bagged, layers upon layers, I couldn’t see past the dark night I was in, there were mirages of cars and their flashing lights crossing my face and all I could do was watch, walk, try to run. But the fatigue had captured me whole. Even though I was a principled man, there was no form in my being as I tried to pass the crossing point on the streets.
I thought that even if I didn’t know where Furina lived, I could go to our sanctuary and hope she’d be there laying for me, and that she’d tell me the thing she said she would many years back.
So that her supposed confession could warm me, and that I would at least wake up from this cold and cross the road with full awareness instead of being beeped at.
But without noticing, a car approached my position in the middle of the road and according to my knowledge of the law, they were no where near in the wrong, and it was my fault for jaywalking as I didn’t cross the road in time, but even at that, I couldn’t bring myself to move. Not a single bit.
Knowing that both Furina’s death and mine were both my fault made my heart feel a little less heavy.
At least now, I’d be able dance in those snowdrops, with her once again.
“Move out of the way!” I heard, but I could not.
My fingers clasped the hair clip Wriothesely gave me, and my eyes closed shut.
Preparing to disappear had never been so easy before.