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"I love you Onee-chan"
Sayo has heard those words many times before under many different circumstances. Yet, none have come close to the intensity of the one she’s currently in. Hina's face hovered inches away from hers. Her lips were pursed, green eyes capturing Sayo's soul with a tentativeness Sayo felt magnify in herself ten-fold.
This wasn't how things were meant to be. She wasn't ready.
The first thing anyone learns about Hina is her name. Secondly, how much she loves her Onee-chan. Sometimes, not even in that order. Though mortifying half the time and overwhelming in the rest, Sayo knew this truth better than anyone.
Hina loved her more than anything. A tireless, pure, unconditional love. A love entirely undeserved. But most crucially, Sayo knew it would never be the same type of love.
For years, she'd suffered the torment of those words.
"I love you."
Spoken as easily as breathing itself. Sometimes coupled with that shining smile, warm enough to melt even the hardest walls of her heart. A small touch here, an unguarded hug there. Each affection was given freely with no thought to the real consequences surging beneath.
Sayo knew she had to be strong, to hold out a little longer. After all, feelings fade out eventually. But the sweetest voices are always the deadliest. Hina's had always been the sweetest of all. Now, it drove that final nail into her coffin.
"Hina, what do I mean to you?"
How many years has it been? How many moments of held silences, and clenched chests till she finally pushed those words out? If Hina wanted Sayo to rip her own beating heart from her chest, she'd do it. In the end, there's no use avoiding the inevitable truth of life.
Everyone knows monsters don’t deserve love.
...
All her life, Sayo had been told she’s the older sister. Minutes are generally insignificant in the grand scheme of time, yet those few precious ticks of the hospital clock had laid her life out for her.
“Take care of your little sister.”
“It’s your job to set a good example.”
“You’re older than her, we expected more from you…”
“Hina!”
Sayo rushed over to the small figure curled up on the ground. Hina let out a whimper as she clutched her knee. Sayo could already see a smear of blood spreading through her fingers. Her sister had always been fearless, often to the point of her own downfall as she was now, helpless and on the verge of tears. Sayo immediately pulled her close, pressing a frantic kiss to her sweaty bangs.
“Hina-chan, please. Please don’t cry, you’re a big girl now,” she pleaded, knowing they’ll be worse off if her sister started bawling.
There were no adults in sight. Of course there wouldn’t be, they had both wandered too far into the forest despite the warnings, and Sayo’s streams of protests.
“Onee-chan I-I’m sorry,” Hina sniveled into the collar of her shirt. “I wanted to pick that flower for you.”
“It’s okay, I’m here now.”
Despite the gentle strokes and soft whispers, Sayo’s skin curled at how pathetic such hollow comforts were. She’d always hated how small her voice was. It suited Hina well in all her cuteness, but not her. If only she was more grown up, then she could help Hina in a way that really mattered.
However, Hina was quick to calm down, her sniffles fading to steady breaths while the streaks of tears dried on her cheeks. Feeling a sense of relief, Sayo carefully pried her fingers away to inspect the wound beneath. Though wide, the cut wasn’t deep. Thankfully the fall hadn’t been tall enough to sustain any major damage.
Sayo gave her sister’s hair a gentle pat, “You were very brave.” This got a small giggle out of Hina. Her eyes glistened from the salt of earlier tears, yet not a trace of fear remained. Sayo glanced down at Hina's dirtied state. “Does it still hurt, Hina-chan?”
Seeing Hina’s small nod, Sayo bent down and placed a kiss on the wounded knee. “There, you should feel all better soon.”
Glancing up, panic struck Sayo as she saw Hina on the verge of crying again. “I’m sorry, did that hurt?!” she wrung her hands frantically, at loss for how to avoid making the situation any worse.
“No, it didn’t hurt,” Hina sniffed, “I love you, Onee-chan. You’re the best Onee-chan ever.”
With a sigh of relief, Sayo hugged her again. “You scared me. Come on, let’s go home…”
…
A sea of black and purple. Shuffling bodies, whispered words, eyes that followed them everywhere.
The Hikawa twins.
Everyone in school knew them. Or at least knew of them. But whether out of admiration or envy was a different matter.
Being identical, they naturally drew attention wherever they went with their matching hair, and more so when people discovered their inverse personalities. Yet, as time wore on, most of the attention would eventually shift towards Hina. Not that Sayo minded. Her sister had always been the bolder one, throwing herself into the middle of any situation, good or bad. It helped to take the pressure of Sayo, especially in such anxiety-inducing environments like middle school.
But for the first time, Sayo wished that wasn’t the case. That her sister wouldn’t stand out so much.
“There’s something seriously wrong with her.”
“Did you hear what that girl said?”
“She's so cruel, what a monster.”
Monster.
No other word came close to making Sayo this furious. She knew Hina was unlike anyone she’d ever meet. Sayo wouldn’t lie, her sister struggled to ‘get’ people, even coming off as callous at times, if not completely blunt to a fault. Not that Sayo was in any place to judge, well aware of her own social shortcomings. Unfortunately, Hina’s louder personality drew the blunt of people’s judgment.
Their mother always told them to pay it no mind, but how could Sayo ignore the hateful things being said about her sister? She wasn’t a monster nor a sociopath. Understanding other’s emotions may not come naturally to Hina, but that didn’t make her heartless. Quite the opposite, in fact. Hina always wore her heart on her sleeves, other simply won’t take the time to understand her. At least not in the way Sayo had.
Whenever she was confused, Hina used to always come to Sayo for help. Whether to figure out why a friend had run off in tears, or the reason teachers yelled at her for seemingly logical questions. Each time, she’d wear that look of admiration as Sayo explained what went wrong, as if Sayo was the only one who mattered in her world.
However, Sayo wasn’t without her own hardships. She knew what her classmates say about her, comparing her to Hina’s genius, and snickering to themselves whenever she fell short of this impossible standard. But when the harsh words finally grew too deafening, Hina shut down. For the first time, Sayo didn’t know her sister anymore. Only the empty husk of this ‘normal’ girl she’d confined herself to.
“Hina, you got an 97 on your last test? What happened?” Sayo demanded, shoving the test paper onto the kitchen table.
Hina recoiled at the sudden confrontation, sinking into her chair, “What do you mean, Onee-chan? Isn’t that what you got?”
Sayo wished it didn’t hurt. Knowing all those sweat and tears she’d poured during those late nights achieved but this measly grade. But this wasn’t about her, not right now.
“Why are you holding back? You’ve never missed a single question on your test. This is the third time you didn’t get the top score!”
“What if I don’t want to be smart anymore?” The sudden outburst made Sayo stagger backwards. Hina tightened her grip on the test paper, crumpling it. “What if I’m sick and tired of everyone treating me different? I just want to be like you, Onee-chan.”
Sayo was at loss for what to say. Her first instinct was to tell Hina how ridiculous she as being. All her life, Sayo would trade anything for her twin’s effortless talent. While Sayo had to pour hours of work into even the most basic skills, Hina mastered them overnight without lifting a finger.
“This is why I hate you so much!”
Only much later, did Sayo realise she never clarified the meaning behind those angered words. No matter how frustrating it was to live in Hina’s shadow, she was still her sister. She was proud of Hina, even if she stopped saying it aloud. Sayo didn’t know why she’d stopped. Perhaps it was because of how miserable it made Hina, knowing she’d unintentionally made her twin feel inferior through every success.
In the end, the only thing Sayo truly hated was seeing Hina put herself down the same way she did. Hina had no right to, not when she could shine so brightly. That was why she left.
The transfer came suddenly, before Hina could protest or worse, try to talk her out of it. If moving schools meant Sayo could protect her sister from others and more importantly, herself, it was a small price to pay. Once she’s gone, there’ll be nothing left to hold Hina back. No one for people to compare her to. She won’t have to be a Hikawa twin anymore; only herself. That was all Sayo could hope for…
Hina didn’t understand.
Sayo didn’t know how she would’ve begun to explain.
When Hina cut her hair as usual but Sayo wouldn't, Hina ended up crying all day. But Sayo refused to budge on this difference. The first of many. They were their own people now, free to live their own paths. It was the least she could do for her twin.
No matter how much it hurt, Sayo wanted to believe she’d made the right choice. What else could she tell herself when each step away felt like another knife shredding up her heart?
This was the only choice. No good would ever come from letting Hina get close to these wretched feelings.
She could almost visualise poor Hina, confused and devastated over why her only sister suddenly grew colder, more distant. Sayo never gave an explanation. She couldn’t. Just imagining what she’d even say teetered her at the edge of her resolve.
If anything, Sayo was the real monster. What other beast willingly hurts the second half of their soul? However, if this pain kept Hina safe from her, a villain is what she’d be. Till the day she can finally atone for her sins, Sayo resolved to fulfil this role. She’ll pretend to ignore how upset Hina got each time she kept her at arm’s length.
If anything, Hina’s persistence only made things harder. All she ever wanted was to spend time with her Onee-chan, she practically lived for it. Sayo wasn’t blind. She saw that smile her sister kept on her face, how she continued to fight for them both, no matter how desperately Sayo pushed her away.
At the same time, she also knew of Hina’s strength. In the dead of night, she sometimes heard her cry herself to sleep through the thin wall separating their two rooms. Those nights were the hardest for Sayo to hold back her own tears. She won’t allow them both to cry at the same time. That would only imply this was all a mistake.
…
"Hina, what do I mean to you?"
Returning to the present, Sayo’s eyes bore into the startled pair before her. Hina’s mouth had fallen slightly open, undoubtedly shocked by this sudden bluntness. Even if Hina didn’t yet know her answer, Sayo knew hers.
Hina… Hina… Hina.
Sayo both loved and hated that name. How two tiny syllables brought both unimaginable joy and crushing sorrow. The way their visual image seared her skin. The very sound made her heart soar. Only one word could describe such an overwhelming mess of sensations.
She was down bad for Hina. For as long as she could remember.
Yet, love had never been a bed of roses or other whimsical rainbows others talk about. The only thing Sayo associated with love was the thorn of roses, or the suffocating feeling whenever she looked at Hina a little too long. Falling in love felt like the end of the world. It may as well have been, when the object of her admiration was the one person she should never have fallen for.
But despite the guilt twisting up her stomach like barbed wire, something felt different. Sayo’s thoughts came to a halt as she realised something. Hina initiated this.
Coming home from school, Sayo had tried to avoid her as usual when her sister pushed her back against the sofa. Now pinning her down and oh so tantalisingly close, Sayo wanted nothing more than to give in and surrender herself to Hina’s arms.
“I love you.”
The words slipped out against her volition. For a timeless moment, green eyes stared into each other. Then as if the world sprang back into motion, Hina flailed backwards, accidentally knocking a glass off the coffee table. It smashed against the floor, pulling Sayo from her own stupor.
The distraction stole any chance to dwell over her horrific mistake as Sayo scrambled to pick up the broken pieces. A gasp escaped when she accidentally cut herself in the rush. Cursing beneath her breath, Sayo pushed forward to clean up the growing mess when she felt a hand grip her wrist.
“Onee-chan, stop, you’re hurt,” Hina pulled her hand away from the broken shards. Before Sayo could protest, break down, or escape- whichever came first, Hina lifted the hand and pressed a kiss to the cut.
“Hi-Hina??!”
“Shh, it’s what you always did for me when I got hurt, remember?”
Of course she did. Sayo would never forget those happy, early days for as long as she’s alive. Before she could reply, she felt a warmth against her cheek. Hina’s thumb traced her skin and once again, Sayo’s chest clenched at the sight of tears brimming in her twin’s eyes.
“Onee-chan… do you really mean it? That you love me?”
All at once, Sayo’s last ounce of strength collapsed. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d sobbed this hard, heaved her chest out till every choke burnt her throat.
She was in love with Hina.
A shameful, despicable love that should never exist. Hina was her little sister- someone she’d hoped to protect all her life. It was her only job, but to think that all along, Sayo had been her only true danger.
Hina appeared equally startled by the outburst, freezing like a deer caught in the headlights as the dependable older sister she knew broke down in front of her. But after a moment, her arms found their way around Sayo, pulling her in. Despite all the tears and snot, Sayo noticed how nice she smelt. Like the earth and fresh cotton, instantly enveloping her in comforting memories. No matter how much she must’ve itched to, Hina didn’t push. She simply held Sayo, rubbing her back gently as she waited for her sister to calm down.
Finally, a murmured whisper escaped. “I love you too, Onee-chan. I always have.”
Those words again. The ones Sayo longed for the most whilst cutting her the deepest. “Hina, please don’t- you don’t understand,” Sayo sobbed.
“What don’t I understand?” Hina’s troubled gaze held a softness she could never deserve.
“I don’t love you, Hina-,” ignored how Hina’s face dropped for a second, “I’m in love with you.”
It was too late to turn back now. All those years of trying to save Hina from herself, Sayo was now pulling her sweet, innocent sister into the depths of her perversion. “Please, all those times you said you loved me… tell me it’s in the same way.”
Another torrent of emotions crashed over Sayo as the confession finally left her lips. Several excruciating seconds pass as Hina processed these words. For the first time, Sayo couldn’t read her expression. All hints of joy, fear or even anger were gone, leaving only a blankness of that sister Sayo had once failed to recognise.
“Onee-chan… I… I’m sorry.”
She’d been wrong. Falling in love wasn’t the end of the world.
A broken heart was.
Sayo tried to pull away only to find she couldn’t. “Hina, please,” she begged, half-heartedly struggling against the arms still clasped around her waist. Hina only tightened her grip.
"I don't care if you hate me now. Just please... never shut me out again."
Life was unjustly cruel. With all that’s happened, Hina had no right staring at her as if she’s the one who makes everything right in the world. Yet, Sayo couldn’t find the energy to fight back anymore. As her body gave way, she slumped forward against Hina’s shoulder, lacking the energy to even cry.
Hina’s hand returned to her back, soothing. “Onee-chan, even if I don’t love you the same way, that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.”
Sayo wanted nothing more than to escape that emerald gaze, and drown in them at the same time. “Then what does your love mean to you?”
Sayo waited in breathless silence while her sister to contemplate this dilemma. Hina was the first thing in her existence as much as the reverse was true. Every moment of their lives had been intertwined with each other in one way or another. Loving each other was a given, but the extent of what that truly meant was something even Sayo’s been too scared to face till today.
Finally, Hina spoke. “I may not love you the way you love me, but if you’re willing… I would like to learn how.”
Her nervousness was met with an equally weak smile. Nonetheless, Sayo’s gaze held the same resolve.
"That's more than I could ever ask for."