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JJ would remember the moment that she realised she was in love with Emily until the day that she died. It felt like dominoes falling into place, like pieces of a puzzle fitting together perfectly.
This realisation made so much sense to her. Her sudden awareness of her feelings explained so much about all of the things she had experienced over the past year of knowing Emily. Like how when Emily held her hand to comfort her she got butterflies in her stomach. Or when the brunette said her name which caused her heart to skip a beat. Or when she saw the older woman enter the room and she felt a sense of safety knowing that Emily was there. Or when they held eye contact for a little bit longer than necessary and she felt a blush raise on her cheeks.
JJ couldn’t believe she hadn’t realised it sooner. How had she not been aware of herself falling more and more in love with this magnificent woman every day?
Everything Emily did had fascinated her since she had met her. Initially she was stunned by the beauty that this woman possessed, and then she was impressed with the woman’s ability to speak foreign languages which she had showcased on their first case together. She had felt herself become captivated with the way the woman’s presence filled a room, and she had been enchanted by her silky smooth voice that made her ears sing with happiness. The way Emily could always tell when something was bothering her, and she made it her mission to make sure that she knew she wasn’t alone.
The moment that had brought her feelings to the surface was so mundane that JJ wondered how it had managed to bring such intense feelings to the forefront of her mind. It was a moment that Emily probably forgot about within 30 seconds, but JJ would never be able to forget it.
The two women were sat across from each other on the jet. It had been a long case, but it had ended well with the unsub in custody and no further victims had been hurt. Everyone was in good spirits, despite being exhausted and after Reid coerced them into playing poker for a while, they had all decided to try and get a little sleep.
Emily and JJ were facing each other and JJ was curled up in her seat with her blanket wrapped around her shoulders, trying to fall asleep. She couldn’t bear to take her eyes off Emily, who was reading a book, clearly deciding that sleep wasn’t going to happen for her. JJ didn’t even realise that she was staring at her, but she was entranced with the perfect features of Emily’s face. JJ was sure that there wasn’t a human being that could even hold a candle to Emily’s beauty, and she felt blessed that she got to look at her every day.
JJ was brought out of her trance when Emily glanced up from her book and met her eyes. Emily looked slightly surprised for a moment before her lips curved up into a gentle smile, acknowledging JJ’s gaze before turning her eyes back to her book.
It was such a simple moment that barely lasted for a few seconds and JJ wondered if it had even happened at all once it was over. Real or not, the butterflies in JJ’s stomach were going haywire and her heartbeat significantly increased. When JJ found herself continuing to stare at Emily, even after she had gotten caught, she felt a rush of affection for the brunette. JJ felt the understanding washing over her that her feelings for Emily were far from platonic when she decided that she wanted Emily to smile at her and only her like that all the time. She couldn’t imagine her life without the older woman, despite only knowing her for just one year.
For the rest of the flight, JJ sat with the new awareness of her feelings with a dopey smile spread across her face. If anyone had looked at her they would have been confused as to what was making her smile so widely. A feeling of contentment sat within JJ’s bones almost as deep as her feelings for Emily were. Loving Emily made more sense to her than anything else in her life ever had.
When JJ got home that night and eventually fell asleep alone in her bed, she dreamed about Emily. She dreamed of a future with Emily, a lifetime with her. Getting to hold her hand on morning walks on the weekends, Emily walking into her office with coffee for her as an excuse to check on her. Waking up with Emily’s head lay on her chest and her hair tickling her face, watching a sunset with her head laying on Emily’s shoulder. Walking down an aisle with Emily waiting at the end for her, Emily with a child sat on her hip attempting to make breakfast for her. JJ couldn’t remember a night with such joyful dreams or a morning where she woke up full of happiness.
Until JJ stood in the shower that morning before work, she hadn’t thought about the practicalities of her feelings. How was she supposed to tell Emily about her feelings? What if Emily didn’t feel the same? What if she scared Emily off? She hadn’t realized that just because she was now aware of her feelings that she would have to do something about them. She couldn’t just ignore them, they were far too strong for her to brush them aside. But how was she supposed to tell Emily? Should she just tell her, should she ask her on a date? JJ began to feel anxiety at the bottom of her stomach about what she was supposed to do now.
When JJ saw Emily at work that day, she felt as if she was seeing her in a different light. JJ had been discussing a potential case with Hotch in his office, and when she left Emily was sat at her desk, starting her paperwork. JJ could feel the air being stolen from her lungs at the sight of her. She was wearing her usual dark pants that flared out at the ankle, making her legs stretch on forever and making her ass look amazing. She was also wearing a matching blazer over the top of a low cut red top that immediately made JJ blush when she let her eyes dip below Emily’s collarbones. Emily always looked so good in red, and JJ wanted nothing more than to run up to her and kiss Emily until she was breathless. But instead, JJ walked past while flashing Emily a bright smile and offering her a polite good morning, almost as if nothing had changed within the last 24 hours.
This continued for months. JJ was constantly hyper aware of her feelings for Emily, yet she still had no idea what to do about them. She kept up her friendly smiles and their usual conversations, but JJ was finding it harder and harder to keep her feelings to herself. She wanted to confess to Emily so badly that at times it felt like the words were going to escape from her lips without permission. She watched Emily every day, her fantasies about the older woman only getting more intense and real. Sometimes when JJ was talking to her she felt a glimmer of hope when the look in Emily’s eyes mirrored the way JJ felt, but it seemed as though the look of longing and admiration disappeared before JJ could even register that it was there.
JJ had almost resigned herself to the fact that she might never have the courage to tell Emily about her feelings, but before she had even accepted that a future with the brunette wasn’t possible for her, the words escaped her just as she feared they would.
The two women were at Emily’s apartment eating popcorn and watching a silly movie to unwind after their case. JJ was supposed to have her eyes on the screen but they were fixated on Emily and how beautiful she looked in her own home. Her hair was in a loose messy bun at the base of her skull with stray pieces that had escaped to frame her face. She was snuggled up in an old hoodie that had clearly seen better days, and a soft blanket was draped across both of their legs to fight off the slight chill of the apartment. Emily looked more comfortable in her own space than JJ had ever seen her and JJ wanted to see her like this every day. She wanted cosy movie nights with Emily for the rest of her life. She loved Emily more than she had ever imagined she would be able to love someone.
“I love you,” escaped her lips without her even noticing. Emily looked over to her with only a look of confusion across her face.
“Sorry what did you say, I didn’t hear you.”
She now had Emily’s full attention on her. JJ could make up a lie and let this moment just pass them by, but the thought of losing her chance had her raising her voice and saying the words again.
“I love you Emily.”
All she got from Emily was a look of confusion across her pale features and JJ began to panic that she had completely ruined their friendship, so she started rambling.
“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to just say it like that, but Emily I have loved you for so long now, and it felt as like if I didn’t say anything I was just going to explode. I understand if you don’t feel the same way but I just had to say-“
JJ felt her words be cut off with a pair of soft lips meeting her own in a gentle kiss that immediately took her breath away. Emily’s lips. Against hers. JJ’s brain took a few seconds to catch up with herself before she realise what was happening and eagerly returned the kiss.
She felt Emily’s hand slip up to carefully cradle her jaw, and the other became entangled in her hair at the back of her head. Momentarily, JJ panicked about where she should put her own hands, before deciding to settle them on the small of Emily’s back underneath her hoodie. Her skin was soft and warm, but it wasn’t as intoxicating as the feeling of Emily’s lips moving against her own in a slow rhythm that had JJ seeing stars. Nothing else crossed her mind except the feeling of Emily lips. She couldn’t get enough of the feeling of her. She was the perfect balance of gentle and firm. The dizzying feeling of her tongue tracing the seam of her lips making her feel as if this was another part of one her dreams. She wanted to keep on kissing Emily for the rest of her life, even if it was the last thing that she ever did.
Eventually the need for air arose and they both pulled apart slightly, breathing the air in between them with only a few inches in between their faces. When JJ’s eyes flicked open, Emily’s deep brown eyes were shining back at her, full of desire, disbelief but most importantly it matched the look of love that JJ knew was beaming from her own eyes.
“I love you too JJ.”
And when those words left Emily’s perfect lips that had just been pressed up against her own, JJ felt as if she could never be happier than she was in this moment right now.