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No moment is ever guaranteed for a trainee. No debut. No success. Each win must be accepted for what it is, never taken for granted and celebration never delayed.
When Zico told six of the KOZ trainees they were going to become a band, there were tears of joy and hoots and hollers of jubilation. Then before long they got to work moving out of the trainee dorms and into their own homes.
Two apartments, each with two bedrooms. Fate worked through the drawing of straws as their eager teen camaraderie transformed into real-deal friendships and roommateships.
“We’re lucky to all get along so well!” Jaehyun would say, and Leehan would look anywhere but Riwoo’s eyes. Because he did not feel lucky to get along so well with him.
—
“Do you think you’ll grow your hair out for debut?” Riwoo scratches Leehan’s scalp with just the right amount of pressure, lingering on the space above his ear where the sideburns connect. After three hours of continuous post-practice gaming they’d fallen lazy in Riwoo’s bed with Leehan resting his head against his Hyung’s thigh.
“That’s what the stylists were thinking.” Less than half of Leehan’s attention is on his Nintendo Switch, the rest is on the feeling of Riwoo’s finger softly passing over the top of his ear.
“That’ll look nice,” Riwoo mumbles and Leehan can all but see the cotton in his mouth as he pays Leehan a rare compliment.
Not that Leehan feels un… appreciated (?) by Riwoo. You don’t let a boy you unappreciate lay in your bed every night, wake him up for breakfast, watch dumb movies you don’t even want to watch with him, insist on taking the seat next to him in every van. Riwoo’s an Actions speak Louder than Words guy.
But the words are nice.
Riwoo traces the line all the way back to the nape of Leehan’s neck and Leehan spins around to let him play with the thicket of soft brown hair. From this angle he can see just a little up a tear in Riwoo’s distressed jeans. He shifts his console so he won’t be distracted.
In three weeks they will debut. Next weekend their crew is going to place cameras throughout the dorms to make some variety content. And then, who knows? Who knows if people will like them, if they’ll get to come back, if anyone will learn their names, if anybody cares.
When Leehan plays the worst-case-scenario game, one silver lining always stays with him. Riwoo. Maybe they could go to college together. Maybe they could stay roommates.
Maybe they could…
Leehan gets the distinct feeling that Riwoo is holding his breath so he looks up.
“You good Hyung?”
“Mm.”
God if only Riwoo would ask Leehan the same question. Then he could say it:
”I want you to hold me and it makes me feel really weird.”
“Every time we do this I worry you’ll find out how much I really like you and insist we stop.”
“When I picture us winning a music show I think about how hard it’s going to be to not kiss you.”
Or something like that. Not that he’d really thought much about it.
Riwoo’s hands feel heavenly on the back of his head, even better when he slides them just under his shirt collar.
“Feels good,” Leehan thinks and pauses when he realizes it might have come out of his mouth. After all, Riwoo seems to be holding his breath again.
“It’s gonna be weird when there are cameras in here.” This is how Riwoo talks, he jumps two steps ahead on the conversational stairs and looks at you like a dummy for being behind.
“Yeah, guess so. What made you think of that?”
“Just… not sure how myself to be.”
If Leehan gets up right now, it’s going to be a thing and he doesn’t want that. But it seems like Riwoo might be about to say something serious and Leehan can’t exactly relax wondering what it’s going to be.
“Leehan I… really like being your roommate.” A sentence this innocuous shouldn’t be delivered with the gravitas Riwoo is displaying and Leehan just barely lets himself get his hopes up. Not too high, like a three-day old helium balloon.
“I really like being your roommate too, Hyung.” Riwoo won’t look directly at Leehan. What this moment lacks in romance, it makes up for in mystique and maybe that’s even better to Leehan.
Without any real conclusion Riwoo stands up to plug his phone in over on his side of the room leaving Leehan alone to wonder what just happened. Whatever it was, it felt nice. Maybe that’s all he can hope for right now. Maybe it’s worth a small celebration.
—
Their first encore performance as music show winners was so chaotic Leehan could barely remember the lyrics or whose face he was supposed to draw on. It wasn’t until the car ride back to the agency that he remembered his daydream. His fantasy of grabbing Riwoo’s cheeks and pulling him up to his lips.
All six of them walked into Hybe feeling like rock stars and when they got to Zico’s office there was champagne (and orange juice) along with a hastily prepared Paris Baguette cake with a generic “Congratulations” message.
“Yo I’m so proud of you boys, really truly!” Zico took his time complimenting each member before bringing up his next phase plans for them. He talked about award show season, about the upcoming Season’s Greetings shoot, and to everyone’s surprise, their dorm arrangements.
“Is everything working out? It’s not a bad idea to change up roommates every so often, before anyone gets resentful. Thoughts?”
Leehan couldn’t possibly imagine resenting Riwoo. That was, until he opened his mouth and said-
“I’m cool with whatever.”
With whatever? How about he’s cool with his current roommate, Leehan, and they can keep living together.
“I’d hate to give up my bedroom but I’m down to go with the flow if that’s what you think, PD-nim.” Jaehyun was being a good leader, but Leehan still hated it.
So just like straws built their destiny, it also sealed their fate. The two who spoke up became the two to switch rooms.
The first night Leehan said “Night Hyung” and heard Jaehyun’s voice in return, he felt a searing pain in his belly he’d never felt before.
—
“Can you just spit it out?”
Leehan had been pacing around Riwoo’s new room for what could have been hours when Riwoo lost his patience.
“Are you mad at me?”
“No, hyung.”
“Okay?”
Sometimes it really seemed like Riwoo felt the exact same secret tug that Leehan did, but it seems like this isn’t one of those times.
“Why doesn’t Hyung wanna wiv wif me anymore?”
Leehan knows that Riwoo can see right through the aegyo but it’s all he has right now.
“I literally never said that.”
Riwoo, clearly frustrated by Leehan’s dance, picks up his phone to scroll around while he sits at the foot of the bed.
In Leehan’s fantasy Riwoo would stand up and wrap his arms around him, say “Oh baby I had no idea you felt the way I feel!” But no… just scrolling on his phone.
So Leehan sits next to him. And against his better judgment, kisses him on the cheek. Just a peck. But a peck months in the making.
“Why did you do that?” Riwoo asks, finally looking up from his phone.
“I don’t know.”
“Yes you do. That’s not the kind of thing people do without thinking about it first.”
In nearly slow motion, Riwoo sets down his phone and looks right at Leehan. His eyes pierce through Leehan, but they do that always. He’s not saying he’s upset… he’s not saying anything. So Leehan brings his palm to the spot where he just kissed, holds for a beat to wait for Riwoo to recoil, which he doesn’t.
When their lips meet, Leehan feels everything he hoped he’d feel. It’s like hot fudge on cold ice cream. For as much comfort and warmth it brings him, there’s also an electric wave that feels thrilling. And he does not want it to end.
So each time Riwoo takes his lips back, even if just a little, Leehan comes back in, more aggressive than before. He holds Riwoo’s bottom lip between his teeth and flicks his tongue against it. Riwoo doesn’t seem to complain, well he doesn’t really have the ability to but his hands on Leehan’s waist say it all. Actions speak louder than words.
Leehan works his tongue into Riwoo’s mouth and gets chills all over when Riwoo traces circles around it with his own. God he wants to look into Riwoo’s eyes, ask Riwoo what he thinks of all this, but that’s never been how Riwoo operates. He’s not effusive or cutesy. He answers questions with exactly as much information as is required. If they stop kissing now, there’s a chance they never kiss again and Leehan isn’t willing to take that chance.
Riwoo’s hands sweep back from Leehan’s waist to the small of his back and Leehan takes the opportunity to wrap his arms around Riwoo’s neck. He holds his own hands behind Riwoo, like he can lock them into place this way, and he feels Riwoo do the same behind him. Good. Perfect. Leehan literally can’t think of another thing he wants or needs. He feels a drop of saliva dripping down his chin but won’t dare break their chain to wipe it.
Finally Riwoo retracts his arms and pulls back and Leehan floods all over with panic. He isn’t prepared for a world where he can’t do this anymore.
“Leehan-ah should we–”
“I don’t want to talk about it Hyung, I just wanna–”
“Don’t interrupt me.”
Riwoo is firm but not mean. He’s direct. And he’s so handsome, jesus christ. Sparkling eyes, mischievous smirk. The flush in his cheeks only makes him cuter.
“I was going to say, should we lay back? Get comfy-er?”
“Oh.” Leehan grins from ear to ear and Riwoo shakes his head with a laugh. “Yeah… let’s get comfy.”
Leehan follows Riwoo’s lead as they lay down in bed, heads on the pillow facing one another. Leehan takes the spot away from the wall and Riwoo wraps a strong arm around his waist to keep him from falling off.
“Comfy?”
“Comfy.”
This time Riwoo takes the initial approach, leading tongue-first into him and pressing their faces so close that Leehan can feel his eyelashes against his cheek. Leehan thinks the worst possible thought at this moment, in this position; “Riwoo’s good with his body.”
The top button of Riwoo’s shirt has become unbuttoned in all the friction and Leehan wonders if he can touch the soft skin under his collarbones. Would Riwoo finally bristle? Was he brave enough to try anyways?
So Leehan follows the flow and with all the bravery he can muster, slips his fingers below the lapel. And Riwoo stays put, even moaning a little into their kiss as Leehan runs his fingernails over his clavicle.
The worst thing that could possibly happen for Leehan is that Riwoo stops them, tells him they can’t do this anymore. Or maybe that they shouldn’t have done it in the first place. But emboldened with confidence by Riwoo’s tiny pecks on his cheeks and chin he pulls back and finally addresses This.
“Okay but why don’t you want to live with more anymore?”
Riwoo laughs and wipes his chin with the pillowcase.
“Because, Leehan-ah, I knew you weren’t going to do that with me while we were roommates.”
“Wait, what?”
None of the boys were qualified to perform brain surgery, but Leehan often felt like the one with the slowest mental processor. But that’s also how Riwoo speaks, with just enough condescension to be hot and leave you confused but not enough to hurt one’s feelings.
“There’s only so much staring longingly I can do from across the room. We needed… I needed… to make sure we weren’t just… good roommates.”
Riwoo’s normal level of discretion is gone as he stumbles through his version of a love confession.
“Probably also I… thought. I think I maybe…” Leehan has literally never seen Riwoo at a loss like this, even in all their highs and lows as trainees. “I don’t necessarily know if I thought I was like… good looking enough–”
“OH SHUT UP!” Leehan rolls his eyes.
“Don’t interrupt.”
“Nah I’m gonna interrupt if you say dumb stuff like that.”
Riwoo sighs and pouts and Leehan can’t help but deliver more sweet kisses to his lips, his cheeks, the backs of his hands, his neck, anywhere he can.
“Hyung?”
“Yes?”
“Will you play with my hair?”
Riwoo laughs so hard he nearly spits.
“What?”
“I thought you were going to, like… address what I said.”
“Oh… no. Is that okay?”
Riwoo gestures for Leehan to spin around and he does just that, letting Riwoo pull him tighter before scaling his fingers from his crown to his neck.
“This is more than okay.” Riwoo mumbles his words into Leehan’s temples and finally Leehan understands what Jaehyun means when he says they’re lucky to get along this well.
He’s never felt luckier.